Just told my wife I'm questioning

[sparky]

So... Yeah. I'm 32 amab and I'm talking to a gender therapist on Monday for the first time, but I've know something wasn't right for so long if I'm being honest with myself. I just told my wife that I'm questioning and that I'm going to talk to a therapist and she's been really supportive if I'm being honest. Obviously this is huge and she's being really great so far but I'm so scared that I've hurt her and ruined everything.

[Elizabeth Star]

It can be hard but your being honest with yourself and your wife. If she's being supportive that's a good start, keep talking with her. Don't be like me. I went the other way and hid almost everything until I couldn't. I almost lost my best friend and destroyed my marriage.

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, sparky said:

she's being really great so far but I'm so scared that I've hurt her and ruined everything.

@sparky Try to stay positive. That is a great initial reaction from your wife. Very few if any spouse is going to react much better than that after hearing this kind of news. It’s life altering in many cases. I would look at it as a very good first step toward becoming even closer to her than you are now.

 

My wife and I have a MUCH better relationship now than ever (and it was good prior to transition..her words) and I have to say it’s because now we can talk about anything under the sun without worry of judgement. I’ve learned more about my wife and vice versa in the last 2 years of our marriage than I did the first twenty. Think of it more as an opportunity for renewal with the whole person and not what you want her and the rest of the world to think so that you conform to their expectations. As @ElizabethStar mentioned...be honest with her and make sure the line of communication is always open between you two. That can be difficult when a spouse feels they have lost something important. Reassure her that they haven’t lost the important part of their relationship—the intellectual, compassionate and loving part of yourself.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Gabriel]

9 hours ago, sparky said:

So... Yeah. I'm 32 amab and I'm talking to a gender therapist on Monday for the first time, but I've know something wasn't right for so long if I'm being honest with myself. I just told my wife that I'm questioning and that I'm going to talk to a therapist and she's been really supportive if I'm being honest. Obviously this is huge and she's being really great so far but I'm so scared that I've hurt her and ruined everything.

 

Hi @sparky

I can't talk from experience about coming out to a significant other, because I don't have it. What I can say is that, from my point of view, you've given yourself and your wive the gift of an open and honest relationship, the possibility of being your true selves with one another. I have no clue how it can turn out, but now it has the chance of being real and profound.

 

[sparky]

Thanks everyone for the support. It was pretty emotional and there were tears on both sides, but I think we're going to be okay at least for the time being. I have to keep telling myself that for all that this is hard for me, it's really hard for her. I know it was unexpected and I'm really trying hard not to overwhelm her. I just want to walk the fine line between being with her and giving her the space to process. It's just so hard to deal with any of the myriad other things going on in our lives. Like, a day ago before I said anything feels like a different life.

[Ellen_d_r]

This couple is trying to make it work.

 

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Ellen_d_r said:

This couple is trying to make it work.

This is a great compilation of her transition progress. Makes me regret not doing something like this too with my wife and I. Quite the commitment though. This would be very doable for anyone starting transition during this pandemic...with lots of time on your hands to take short video clips like this every single day.

 

Thank you @Ellen_d_r for sharing this! 

 

Susan R?

[Heather Nicole]

That video is so beautiful! Oh, how I envy her!

[KayC]

Hi @sparky.  Going through this process is a rollercoaster and for a spouse it can be even more so because they don't know what's coming next.  I have been on that same rollercoaster with my wife, and while its been a wild ride for both of us, over time it can start to smooth out.

 

Its really great you started therapy and that was a big help for me.  I hope in the future your wife might be a part of that also.  There are no schedules or deadlines for this ... so I found giving my wife time and space as the most helpful for her.

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Confused1]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi @sparky.  Going through this process is a rollercoaster and for a spouse it can be even more so because they don't know what's coming next.  I have been on that same rollercoaster with my wife, and while its been a wild ride for both of us, over time it can start to smooth out.

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

 

This was very much my experience also.

 

Hugs,

Mike