Hey! Nice to meet you, I'm Jill.

[JillPilled]

How's it going y'all? Hope everyone is doing well. I'm Jillian, a transwoman, 26, and mainly looking to discuss experiences here, and find a better way to network and get a wider breadth to really hear and talk about experiences in all the dimensions socially you can think of to participate in a community--particularly amidst the pandemic! COVID-19 displaced me from my ability to attend my in-person counseling for mental-health associated with feminizing, before I transferred into a separate online tele-health component that's been working efficiently with me for Planned Parenthood-- so this forum complimentary to that really seems from what I've been browsing just very early on to be essential :D!

 

Just to preface, I've known my identity for about 10 years now, and only recently without the past year began actualizing my transition (besides coming out to my dad/step mom about being trans-fem) with HRT/frequent blood tests and visits/later tele-health visits to my doctor. I live with my dad, step-mom, at the moment, and my father and mother are separated--there's a long-history there that is quite depressing that is way too much for an introduction, but long and short is it was a really strained and short-term (6 year-marriage) relationship. Unfortunately, and nothing looking back that I feel hatred for now but then it was largely unknown to me--but my mom has some issues with bipolar-depressive disorder which have been left unmedicated/treated for some time--likely over 20 years, close to my age. Additionally she holds some sharp views about gender, sexual orientation, and unfortunately even relationships concerning interracial couples (she's... quite bigoted honestly, and not one I would pick to be a representative of an actual good-person to my mind/Christian which she reinforced but held these practices which seemed contradictory and harsh views). Though, I'm agnostic so I'm not the best judge on that matter. Anyhow, currently, it bears noting I am also very much estranged from my mom, for those reasons since December 2014--and hence why I had to repress so much regarding my transition and depression while with her and facing abuse for not being sufficiently in the gender-category she wanted me to be--and saw me as lacking or 'a failure' in that part.  It was enough emotional-trauma/stress to not want to speak or see her ever again--alongside of trying to place me in Catholic related schools, institutions which personally I never felt content/happy with that decision made for me.

 

I was stuck in isolation in the middle of nowhere in central-Virginia for some time--I want to say 4-5 years, without a high-school curriculum (I was not enrolled, nor attended high-school... or was enrolled in any accredited outside course that could be considered academic--virtually stuck within our home with the resources I could find off the internet via an ancient laptop my dad was kind enough to buy me), and did not actually thrive in any capacity until managing to leave. And I'll just say I haven't found a way to fill a lot of the vacant parts of my brain wanting for explanation of that time in all the spheres, or let go of those really lonely times/experiences--stuck with being the only one to know who I actually was identity wise. Mainly, along the lines of 'why do I perceive myself as not right or unnatural when presenting myself in public' or putting on a personality that I KNOW is drastically more feminine and lovely in my view than this forced and fake male one that makes me feel as if I'm lying to everyone and me too. I see no meaning in it. Every time with relatives it was absolute pain--as with people I didn't know, and after quite some time I gave up on all that just within this past year.

 

Takes you a while to realize sometimes there's not a greater meaning to abuse or trauma in some contexts, and that just constantly me dwelling on it was ratcheting it into something way deeper and worsening my mental-state as I couldn't leave those times (PTSD). It's slow but realized change to reject there being a meaning to some cases, and to try to overcome with new ones/forget as best you can. Actually, funny enough, when I escaped that situation for the past 6-ish years it's been a massive hurdle to even tell someone trusted such as my dad/stepmom, as well as my boyfriend (while we were still just bestfriends) and a couple other good friends of mine that I'm trans--and while I had the answer it was something I held back for so long because of these prior experiences, and I did not too much besides academically 'catch up' during these times until I came out fully. Sure this is far more common than, once, my perception held towards thinking how entrapped, lonely that feeling was--rather, a kinda selfish thought of that surely no one else could know but that was DEFINITELY a case of 16-year old to 18 year old me thinking in a much younger and isolated lens, haha.

 

Are there any experiences recently that you feel like, personally, you've done well in creating for yourself or were positive in outlook--in the same capacity, perhaps, good ways to seek to move on from those that were negative to you--because I feel as if that's equally of valid or concerning in transitioning? Sorry, if that's a bit personal for just an intro., but! I do love talking with others about mental-health as well as identity, it can be nice to vent some about it to somebody--I've done more than my share to my boyfriend when he visits out of Toronto over here in Virginia, and over Discord calls we have together as of COVID. Love to meet and talk with y'all about yours, it's good to share or listen really in equal measure--I enjoy it a lot with all sorts of matters! Thank you so much for reading, and have a good day (I drafted this quite late, so not sure I will be up for a little while--night owl that I am but hope to catch up on other forum posts soon as well :>)

[Susan R]

Hello @JillPilled and welcome to our forum. What a well written introduction. Thank you for taking the time tonight to share this with us.

 

1 hour ago, JillPilled said:

Are there any experiences recently that you feel like, personally, you've done well in creating for yourself or were positive in outlook--in the same capacity, perhaps, good ways to seek to move on from those that were negative to you[?]

As most of us here, I’ve had some negative experiences after sharing my true identity honestly and openly. To be perfectly honest, I am still feeling the repercussions of a few negative experiences...some directly and some indirectly and in very subtle ways. In a general sense, I try not to focus too much on the negative because in reality, it has been an overwhelming positive experience and I refuse to let a few individuals or experiences change my direction or affect my overall happiness.

 

Some of those involved in this negativity are unfortunately family members which makes it much harder to ignore. I have accepted their frame of mind about my transition and try to be the best person I can be. I also try to surround myself with those who do accept me as I am.  I don’t try to find ways to change their mind...that is fruitless. The experiences are a different matter and I chalk those up to a learned lesson and avoid those potholes whenever possible.

 

It’s been 18 months since I’ve been out full time to the world at large. I have seen some positive changes over the last year in the attitudes and acceptance levels of these particularly negative individuals. As for these . They have likely noticed how much happier my wife and I are together and individually. They also see that their opinion of me has had no effect in my transition or direction of my path. They realize that my new persona isn’t as bad as they once thought or believed it would be. I think the main key is to focus on what you can control and focus on what is positive. That will usually be enough to carry you through any isolated negative experience along the way. Luckily, in time they seem to be fewer negatives on the journey.

 

Good luck with your transition. Hope to see you around.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[JillPilled]

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

 

 Hello @JillPilled and welcome to our forum. What a well written introduction. Thank you for taking the time tonight to share this with us.

 

As most of us here, I’ve had some negative experiences after sharing my true identity honestly and openly. To be perfectly honest, I am still feeling the repercussions of a few negative experiences...some directly and some indirectly and in very subtle ways. In a general sense, I try not to focus too much on the negative because in reality, it has been an overwhelming positive experience and I refuse to let a few individuals or experiences change my direction or affect my overall happiness.

 

Some of those involved in this negativity are unfortunately family members which makes it much harder to ignore. I have accepted their frame of mind about my transition and try to be the best person I can be. I also try to surround myself with those who do accept me as I am.  I don’t try to find ways to change their mind...that is fruitless. The experiences are a different matter and I chalk those up to a learned lesson and avoid those potholes whenever possible.

 

It’s been 18 months since I’ve been out full time to the world at large. I have seen some positive changes over the last year in the attitudes and acceptance levels of these particularly negative individuals. As for these . They have likely noticed how much happier my wife and I are together and individually. They also see that their opinion of me has had no effect in my transition or direction of my path. They realize that my new persona isn’t as bad as they once thought or believed it would be. I think the main key is to focus on what you can control and focus on what is positive. That will usually be enough to carry you through any isolated negative experience along the way. Luckily, in time they seem to be fewer negatives on the journey.

 

Good luck with your transition. Hope to see you around.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

Hi there Susan! Thank you, it means quite a bit to hear that about your shared experienced and insight as well that is quite substantial. Also for the incredibly warm welcome as well, I very much appreciate that too!

 

I completely feel you on at some point, having to bar out the individuals in your life that are contributing to negative-reception of your transition--in many ways, I feel the extent in which you tolerate their conflict with you at your core--the harder it can be to feel happiest about yourself. Through still trying to suit their goals or views about you rather than your own that are best for your well-being. It can be really tiring and in many instances not a rewarding commitment yes!

 

I've encountered that potential with many family members, so it's very relatable and I'm sorry for that happening to you. The difficulty sometimes that's posed in those decisions from those we think care for us/vice-versa, and see a complete and utter change around in this dynamic following transitioning, is way too immense I feel. Many individuals, be they within family or other circles who reject someone based on them revealing they can't handle what falls outside their own narrow perception rather than recognition/empathy for another person's true-identity/brain chemistry which makes up our inner selves and we were meant to be truly content in (others should accept this if they claim to be empathetic/'empaths' in this sense).

 

Also, there's something really hopeful about being joyful/unaffected by the cases you mentioned with the negative elements part of your family brought--to seek those more positive outlooks or developments as your focus, with 'lessons' guiding you along the path. Certainly too, 18 months is a massive milestone as well! I don't necessarily present in public as I should yet just a year in, I mostly keep to my room but that is certainly where I see an inspiring goal. Really meaningful post, that made my morning thanks! ?

 

Same to you as well! And have a great start to the morning!

-Jill

 

 

[Mmindy]

Good afternoon @JillPilled, welcome to TransPulseForums. 

 

I'm a late in life MtF Transgender who just came out to my wife this past Spring. The Forums are filled with great people who care about each other. 

 

Hugs,

 

Mmindy???

[JillPilled]

Hey, @Mmindy !

 

That's super sweet, congratulations on coming out to her! Hope you two are very happy together being your best selves--I always find comfort in knowing that the important people in my life as well know, so I can relate! Whenever it is in life, coming out to share your own true self is ever important. Absolutely too,  I've absolutely seen what you're talked about! Everyone here has such a wide array of personalities but there's such commonality in how warm and expressive this forum community here is with one another, it's very easy to not want to leave/pop-by to talk with others lol! I'm absolutely here for it! Thank you for your warm greetin' too btw.

 

Hugs,

Jill