Aurora's Feeling log

[Aurora]

Watching what happens with this dam pandemic cause of my surgery date is March 11th. Been in contact with the scheduler for my surgery in San Francisco and she said that they are still doing surgeries and that since I have already been rescheduled once, I will be on the priority list for surgery. I am not rescheduling again. It was already hard enough on the reschedule from October and it really affected my mental health and caused me to really have suicidal thoughts and I am still having them and having horrible mental health issues. This birth defect is really causing me a lot of pain and I want this dam thing gone

[KathyLauren]

Aurora, I hope that you are able to get your surgery on March 11th, as planned.  March 11th is the date I had mine this year, so I think it is an auspicious date. I am sure that, having rescheduled you once, they will make sure you get in on time.

 

You will get there!

[Aurora]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

Aurora, I hope that you are able to get your surgery on March 11th, as planned.  March 11th is the date I had mine this year, so I think it is an auspicious date. I am sure that, having rescheduled you once, they will make sure you get in on time.

 

You will get there!

I was supposed to have mine on October 15th this year, but COVID is just crap.  I am going to Dr. Satterwhite in San Francisco CA.  According to the scheduler, that they will do everything to keep me on schedule since I was one that got rescheduled.  

[Lexi C]

Hey Aurora

I feel you. I have mine for Dec 10th and i am freaking out. Its a Orchiectomy but i need that before my Vaginoplasty which was suppose to be in April ,but now i have no idea. I to am facing major mental issues esp suicided  I just hope i can make it to then. cause i really done with this whole Covid crap and world

[Aurora]

Iy has been awhile and I thought that I have gotten past it, but I had a close call today with a knife and going to cut off my birth defect with how much pain it has been giving me.  This time I drew blood but then stopped as I know that I need it for my surgery in March

[VickySGV]

I am very relieved you did not do any worse damage.  I know you do have friends you can talk to, it is the only way to stiff out those times and come out in a way you can go forward to what you need. 

[Aurora]

Trying to find ways to cheer me up.  Been really depressed today that everything has lost interest to me.  Just feel like that I will never be the true woman that I am supposed to be.  Feel like that I will never be able to afford surgeries. My support circle is so small that I do not really have help but I have people that are too quick to judge and say negative things to me but they dont want to help me out and so I am left doing everything all alone.

 

Maybe I should look at find a psychiatrist to prescribe some anti-depresents for me.  wonder if that will help me out all.

 

I am just feeling like that I am nothing more than a failure and will not be the girl that I am supposed to be and yet I am seeing and hearing all these other Trans women being able to go get breast surgeries and FFS and GCS and everything and wonder how are they even affording all this or what insurance do they have cause these surgeries are not cheap and most insurances do not cover the cosmetic surgeries like breast and FFS.  So it's like how the hell can people afford these surgeries.  The best my insurance will cover is GCS and yet I am using part of my IRA to help cover the deductible and place to stay while in San Francisco.  Dont know, just feeling really depressed and down and ready to just kill myself

[Jackie C.]

Well, I only managed to afford GCS by cratering our savings. My insurance did nothing. I'm on the lookout for extra income to repair the damage and start a fund for any additional surgery I might need. Not ideal, but you do what you have to do.

 

Point the second, you might not need FFS or breast augmentation. You never know. Give the HRT a minute to work, yeah?

 

Thirdly, lockdown is hard on people with serious depression. You're cut off from your support system and it gets easier to convince yourself to do something drastic. Try to keep yourself busy with things you enjoy, talk whoever you can. Try not to fall down any rabbit holes. I've worked myself into some real knots that way. You might even try meditation and, if you can, exercise. It helps with depression. Honest. There are studies and everything.

 

In the meantime, strike up a chat with us here as much as you need to. We don't mind and we all want you to blossom into the woman you were meant to be as much as you do.

 

Hugs!

[VickySGV]

My GCS came out of my pocket because it was 8 years ago, a year before my HMO covered it after finding it was cheaper to provide it than to cover the care of failed suicides, and two years before my state mandated that insurance carriers in the state provide the surgery.  I am still paying it off since it took a home mortgage re-finance to get the cash, but it worked and while not the usual way I actually came out ahead for a number of years since the re-finance was less than the property value at the time and an affordable increase in the monthly payments.  As far as the tax people go, I darn well did use the money for my "home improvements".  I also got a new kitchen, roof and driveway out of the deal, so no loss really, but I did wait on the kitchen until after I was down to a single dilation per day since I had a construction gang in the house to do it.  The waiting is the worst, and if it needs medication to help the anxiety from making you want to hurt yourself, by all means get it.  The virus deal has played hell with my Depression tendencies but mine is the type that gets worse when people try to "cheer me up" and just needs for me to live it our, but I have a deal with myself on it.  The depression will not kill me if I do not try to kill me.  That is the deal and each day I seem to live through that poop.  One day at a time.

[Aurora]

Reading Trueselves and in the chapter about the childhood years.  Alot I can relate to and some I cannot.  It just remembering back now that in my childhood and teen years that there were signs already and of me being different and yet did not know what it was, but the fact that I was different was there growing up.

[Aurora]

Been rereading for my third time the old book TrueSelves.  It is such a good but.  This time I am using it to help me out to analyze me and highlight areas that I agree with to talk to my therapist on as well.

 

I have learned that the signs of how different I was were always there and just did not realize it.  Want to go over with my therapist on what I have figured out on my self-loathing and hating myself so much with how it comes from my childhood days and my up bringing.  My parents got a divorced when I was little and my dad was out of my life.  So my mom tried as hard as she could to raise 2 kids on her own.  Being a single parent is no easy task.  I know my mom has tried when I was putting on a mask pretending to be that boy that I was supposed to, my mom tried having my grandpa and uncle be there for me, but of course, it was not the same as I knew I was different.  Then there was the fact that I was in and out of speech therapy since I was 4 years old till graduating high school that it did not help me.  What helped me was finally reviling my deep dark secret and now my stutter is all but gone.

 

I know that from when I was a young age and still up to now how I was always looking for praise and positiveness and approval which I got very little of but not what a normal child growing up gets.

 

Then I was reading one of the patients sections in the Teenage years and it is totally 100% hands down me.  It was talking about being shy and introverted to self hatred and just being out of touch with myself and not letting anyone in or near me to never going on a date or having few friends.  Still to this day, I have like 3 true friends and the rest is acquaints and also still I have never ever dated in my whole life and I am now the real life 40 year old virgin.

 

There is so much that I agree with in the book about me and some stuff that is not me.  I loved how reading about the cross dressing phase and that it is not really cross dressing as that it was more I belong wearing the clothes and not boy clothes and can even remember waiting till I was alone and going into my sisters room and stealing her clothes and then hiding them in my room or being careful to put back the clothes just as I have found them.  Looking back to my growing up days back in the 80's and 90's, the signs were all there and I cannot believe it

[Aurora]

I know I did this to myself.  Yesterday was wash day for my hair so I took out my extensions so I can wash my hair and then I never put my extensions back in after I washed my hair and before I left for work at night.  So all night at work since I work overnight hours I have been feeling down and not liking myself because I forgot to put my extensions in

[Charlize]

I hope you can take it easy on yourself.  Cis as well as trans women also face these issues.  I've left the house with an old beat farm working wig and only realized as i reach the store.  I think i was the only one to notice.  After all we always look better some days.  Perhaps no-one without a personal groomer achieves anything near perfection.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Aurora]

Why was I born like this.  Why couldn't I just have been born as a cis-girl.  I just wish that I was cis and not Trans.

[Aurora]

I thought I was able to be past this, but today I started having thoughts after 8 months with no thoughts on wanting to take a knife out and remove my birth defect on my bottom area.  Today it just hit me hard and giving me so much pain that I want it gone.  I am trying to get my mind away from these thoughts right now, but it is posing a lot of trouble.

[Mmindy]

@AuroraI wish, I knew what to say to comfort you as you work through this troubled time. 

 

Hugs,

 

Mndy???

[Heather Shay]

@Aurora I understand your pain - I have it to but coming here and talking about it helps. I know I have the same thoughts asnd I try my best to do something that makes me feel better - like my passsion of music - and lose myself in something that is not a birth defect and I'm thankful for. When I feel really at whit's end I discuss it here and with my therapist and being on HRT REALLY is helping as I walk slowly to the day when I can have the birth defect taken care of by professional caregivers and all the stuff that leads up to that time will only make our payoff all that much sweeter.

Hang in there girl - I'm with you and am holding you in my thoughts.

[Kellianne]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Do not be too hard on yourself for mistakes made, we all make them every day. Their nit picking speaks more about their poor behaviors vs yours. it sounds like a slightly toxic work environment. People like us have enough self doubt and criticism to overcome to allow others to add to that. Maybe it is time for a change? Have you looked elsewhere?

 

I know it is difficult when we start having the thoughts of self harming but at 52 and finally having the courage to face my true self, I can tell you, it will all fall into place with time. In the meantime you need help getting through this and we, as well as the counselors here, are willing to help. Please call the prevention hotline if you start feeling like this. They are here specifically to help us through the rough patches.

 

Love,

Kellianne

[Aurora]

I just did a helpful move and hope it helps me out that I have unfollowed alot of Trans YouTubers that I used to follow as their videos were part of the reason why I was always feeling so depressed and hating myself.  alot of the Trans YouTubers I was following do not really paint a true picture on what it is like to be trans and they were only showing the glitz and glam of being Transgender and it was not healthy for me.  Thanks to those Trans YouTubers I was following, I was so close to either comiting suside or going into a mental hospitable.  I removed all the YouTube videos and YouTubers that I used to follow in hopes to lessen my depression and try to keep me feeling good and happy

[Kellianne]

I am very glad to hear this! You need to be happy. Most of the YouTube trans women are young and gorgeous and it makes us fell a certain way about ourselves. I try to take the one or two positive things like makeup tips, wig tips, etc and filter out the rest of the things I find non helpful. Please reach out to any of us if you are feeling depressed, we have all been through it.

[Heather Shay]

@Aurora glad you survived and realized you needed to change your approach. This forum and the ladies here saved my life and I am so happy you are here and sharing your struggles. I want you to succeed in being who you are and being accepted for who you are as you come into your own. Congratulations and multiple hugs...

[Aurora]

I have cleared out all the young Trans YouTubers that I have been following and the only Trans YouTuber that I follow is JackieRabbit who has mentioned a few times on her YouTube videos about TransPulse.  I dont know what she goes by on TransPulse, but I know she resides in California and would love to look her up and continue to talk to her.  JackieRabbit is so awesome on her YouTube videos and she is older with telling the truth and the behind the scenes of transitioning and being Transgender.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

JackieRabbit is so awesome on her YouTube videos and she is older with telling the truth and the behind the scenes of transitioning and being Transgender.

 

She's a mod and her picture is on the staff page. Just sayin'.

 

Hugs!

[Rami]

COVID, lockdown, social distancing will too pass. Every cloud has a silver lining.

[Elizabeth Star]

Yep, JackieRabbit is the only one anyone needs to follow. All the other just me feel bad about myself.