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My demons have come back ....


QuestioningAmber

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QuestioningAmber

So I want to start of by saying I think I am safe right now, I don't have any solid plans to SH or have any active plans related to SI. I will say though, those demons are back, just not in active planning mode.

 

With that that being said, I am frustrated that for the 3rd or 4th day in a row this week I have felt like the demons are back either fairly early or just as I am waking up. I don't know what to do about it because it is something that I thought I beat back. I was honestly feeling happy last week, and was able to be there for others, just this week, my cup is empty and the demons have come back and keep clawing at me, telling me to do something. I have therapy tomorrow afternoon, just trying to get there without taking time off of work as I have only so much PTO left in the year, and used some of it already. I thought I would post here finally, because unfortunately the other attempts haven't worked.

 

What do others do when they have the SH/SI demons clawing at them?

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I am not good with acrolyms and can't figure out SI and SH 

 

BUT... you are special and you are loved and you are in my thoughts and in my hugs.....

 

Hang in there fair Amber - all will be well..... I promise.....

 

image.png.bc5b748e8e5da7d71ffa80825b286f08.png

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QuestioningAmber

SH is Self-harm

SI is Suicidal Ideation (at least it is only ideation for now)

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If you need to reach out PLEASE do so - you are much much much too important to feel alone - 

 

If I can help in ANY way please let me know.

 

Seek the comfort of your therapist and help line or forums - I and we are here for you.

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Jackie C.

Self Improvement. I take a deep breath and work on learning a new skill or improving my body.

 

Usually starting my day in the gym keeps the little devils from chewing my toes.

 

Hugs!

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QuestioningAmber

@Jackie C. Unfortunately they are beyond chewing on my toes.

 

I kind of feeling like it is hopeless too. I kind of already tried to journal, but it didn't do much to help to log down what I was feeling and the thoughts. This is frustrating because I thought I was past the depression. I am doing things to better myself, to be more authentic, taking my meds (mental health and HRT), going to support groups, it is just so exhausting. I am not rushing through anything, at least I don't feel like I am.

 

Maybe just taking the afternoon off and taking care of myself, whether it is going for a drive or trying to do some art will help. I just know I am tired of feeling this way and feel stuck. It also is scary because I have been worse before and it always seems to coincide with this time of year.

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Jackie C.

Self-care is good. I think the important part of the process is doing something that says, "You matter. You're making progress. You are worthy of love." Especially self-love. That's a very hard lesson for us to learn, but also one that is very, very important.

 

This time of year is kind of dreary. Supposedly it's going back into the 70s this week (my sinuses have been telling me about THAT since the weekend) so it's a good time for a walk. Art is good too. I'm working on my figure drawing right now. Well, that and my NaNoWriMo project. I have no free time until December. 😛

 

Hugs!

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TommieAnne
3 hours ago, QuestioningAmber said:

@Jackie C. Unfortunately they are beyond chewing on my toes.

 

I kind of feeling like it is hopeless too. I kind of already tried to journal, but it didn't do much to help to log down what I was feeling and the thoughts. This is frustrating because I thought I was past the depression. I am doing things to better myself, to be more authentic, taking my meds (mental health and HRT), going to support groups, it is just so exhausting. I am not rushing through anything, at least I don't feel like I am.

 

Maybe just taking the afternoon off and taking care of myself, whether it is going for a drive or trying to do some art will help. I just know I am tired of feeling this way and feel stuck. It also is scary because I have been worse before and it always seems to coincide with this time of year.

Doing something just for yourself, taking a walk in the woods, soaking in the tub, shaving your legs... shoot, just looking in the mirror and smiling at yourself even. Find a path forward, be patient and hang in there.

After being "on hold" for over a year, I can testify that things can get pretty dark in these times. But it's worth it to keep on plugging away.

My own demons have never left. But I have gotten so they just sit in the corner and watch, instead of breathing down my neck.

Hugs!

TA

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QuestioningAmber

@TommieAnne Yeah, I have been trying to find things I can do for myself and really haven't found anything that seems to fit into things. I am okay to some degree if I can get a strong distraction, but I can't keep up with going out to dinner every night so to speak. I am kind of tired of the depression already, and it has been back only for a week. I will still continue to plug away and find things to do for myself though, in hopes it helps.

 

I did talk to my therapist about this and she isn't concerned yet because it hasn't come close to critical peak yet for me. We are going to continue to keep an eye on it, meanwhile my psych is increasing one of my meds again to see if that was the issue when she decreased a dose of a mental health med. Hopefully I can get some form of relief soon, because this gets exhausting.

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Phew... Thank you for reaching out... You are LOVED DEARLY.

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TommieAnne
16 hours ago, QuestioningAmber said:

@TommieAnne Yeah, I have been trying to find things I can do for myself and really haven't found anything that seems to fit into things. I am okay to some degree if I can get a strong distraction, but I can't keep up with going out to dinner every night so to speak. I am kind of tired of the depression already, and it has been back only for a week. I will still continue to plug away and find things to do for myself though, in hopes it helps.

 

I did talk to my therapist about this and she isn't concerned yet because it hasn't come close to critical peak yet for me. We are going to continue to keep an eye on it, meanwhile my psych is increasing one of my meds again to see if that was the issue when she decreased a dose of a mental health med. Hopefully I can get some form of relief soon, because this gets exhausting.

If you think of this as a journey, some parts of this consist of putting one foot in front of the other for long periods of time with no dramatic changes in view... then suddenly you round a bend and a beautiful valley opens up in front of you.

The drudge parts of life can be enjoyed if you listen to your body, your heart and your head. As we all continue to plod along.

For myself, I'm over a year "behind schedule" on my journey, delayed due to a combination of personnel changes, bureaucratic sluggishness and Covid 19 pandemic. It's frustrating but all I can do is be patient and keep plugging away.

I wish for you the courage, patience and strength to get through to happier times. May that beautiful valley be just ahead for you!

Warm Hug,

TA

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DonkeySocks

Exercise and creative pursuits make a huge difference. Getting into creative work for a an hour or more is the best distraction and demons have a harder time competing with a sense of creativity and purpose. Your well-being is worth scheduling time at least once a week, preferably more, for at least an hour, preferably three hours, to get into your art. Please take care of yourself. Good luck with this tough time of year.

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QuestioningAmber

Still struggling today, but I think I came to an epiphany. I agree that being creative helps with depression, and where I am used to being most creative is at work. I am a software developer, and I get to be creative when I am able to write and develop solutions to problems. One thing that is not helping me right now is I am not able to really do much development as we are waiting for some major things to come down the pipeline, it just hasn't arrived yet. That leaves me with idle time that I am on the clock for though. So I can't just go offline and do nothing all day, I have more tedious work to do, like documentation, planning, and training. This isn't leveraging my creative mind that much, so it is certainly not helping, and on top of it I don't have a personal project that I am interested in working on the side either (I wrapped that up a couple of months ago). So now I am in a lull, and I am sure that isn't helping me.

 

Exercise is a tricky beast because I don't really have room in our apartment to really work out (it's a mess) and I can't really go to the gym or shouldn't because my wife is an at risk individual, she has a suppressed immune system. I am not trying to come up with excuses, more or less identifying the challenges. I am trying to chip away at making room in the apartment, it is just taking more time than I planned, which again, probably isn't helping either.

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Going to the zoo or a walk in the park or on some of those trails near Worthington. That would give you and her fresh air and not crowded.

Maybe go in your mind at work and think of some creative things you could get into when you reach home. I was an Industrial/Quality Engineer/SAP/ 6 Sigma at work and could not stand it but I would think through some of the musical ideas I could look forward to at home when I wasn't able to be busy at work.

In any case I am so glad you are working on your demons, recognise them and working through them.

 

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QuestioningAmber

This is how I feel today. Trying to be on the up side of things, just not working.

 

 

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Hang in there sister - my heart and love surround you.   Know you are loved, appreciated and NEEDED. 

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DonkeySocks

@QuestioningAmber

It's great that you can identify the problems, and that you are taking steps to figure out or create solutions. That is very powerful. I'm sorry you are struggling, but I admire your willingness and ability to look for the reasons behind your feelings and work on them. Good luck!

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@QuestioningAmber I'm sorry things are hard for you right now. But you are finding solutions and putting them in place. You'll find the way and you'll get through this.

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QuestioningAmber

Had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and she reiterated that she is not worried at this point still, which I am trying to not to be alarmed by it. Her theory is that it is just a depression cycle and that my depression cycles are just lower than other people's depression cycle. She is thinking things will up swing here in a week or two, and in the mean time wants me to do things to mitigate the suffering, which is hard. Today I woke up feeling more down, and the thoughts are flooding me,debating taking the day off, just unsure what I would do instead..

 

Music seems to be the easiest way to convey how I feel, so today is another Linkin Park classic:

 

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@QuestioningAmber Being you know what is the problem - that is a BIG help. If music helps do it - if you need to take day off and visit the zoo or breath some fresh air and take a walk - do it. I'm glad to are talking with your therapist but if you don't think you can wait through the pain - contact her or your medical pperson and tell them.

Most important - know you are not alone - I know what it feels like and I know the feeling of dread and nights of sleeplessness and wishing all the pain would go away. I bear down at those times and keep telling myself that I've made it through before - I know what it is - YES it hurts - but it seems recognizing what it is and working through it - each times the pain doesn't last as long.... progress. Reach out here ANY TIME you want to talk and hold on sister.....I'm with you.

Heather Shay

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Overalls Bear

Hello QuestioningAmber: Thank you for sharing your concerns. We don't know one another. But I also have a history of depression & self harm. And so I simply wanted to leave a brief reply to offer my support and best wishes. Please take care... 

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QuestioningAmber

@Overalls Bear  I appreciate you reaching out and just offering support. It has been a rough couple of weeks, and it is still shaping out to be that way. I decided to post something because honestly it is so isolating having these thoughts, feelings, and urges, hearing from someone else that they too are or have battled those demons does help with the feeling of being isolated.

 

I am not sure where this bout of depression has come from, but all I have to say is it sucks. I have been utilizing every coping skill that I can, and it has kept me safe thus far. I am hoping something breaks soon.

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Keep reaching out... You got a lot of love out here and believed I understand demons.... I've had one on my back nearly all my life and somehow ive managed to pull through with the kindness you and others have shown me here.

Hugs

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