I am Lunitaria - a history in brief.

[lachallenger]

I am 47 years of age, as of this month. I was raised by a single mother, who tried her best to raise a conscientious child, including a very Biblical name and all of the hopes that a parent could put into a child; I still value kindness and compassion, because I was raised with them, quite simply. I did not meet the man who was introduced as my father until I was 14, and despite him periodically visiting my family's house, it wasn't until much later that I knew what kind of a person that he was. I spent a lot of my teen years with a tremendous amount of undirected anger at my environment and myself, disliking mirrors (which I did for a very long time), and generally feeling angry and depressed, without apparent cause.

 

I first really began asking myself questions about my gender when I was in my mid-20s, sadly during the last years of my mother's life, and she succumbed to cancer, during a time when I was working 15 hour days for 5 days of the week for two years before - to be perfectly blunt the combination of events that preceded and followed this left my mind feeling like so much guacamole, and I remember very little of the years immediately following. During which I and my remaining relative sold the large house I had grown up in and I wound up moving in with very strict Christian Fundamentalist cousins.

 

After spending a few years with them, I moved and got new work in a different, somewhat larger town - but since my new employer never paid me and I could find no further work, I wound up losing my residence and everything I owned that would not fit into a car. I wound up moving in with a friend that owned a house, though their family showed me the door after 2 weeks - and spent the next decade and change with an emotionally disturbed roommate in a 300 square foot studio apartment.

 

My present circumstances are much better, with a significant other that accepts who I am, and a house with the two of us and a roommate that are accepting of such differences. The total isolation or near-total isolation since March has allowed me much time for introspection and the shedding of armor I had been wearing around my identity since... my twenties? At minimum since living with the relatives that would as likely as not left me standing in the street if they'd known. This is where I am, discovering who I am, not feeling connected with pronouns, but most definitely understanding that I was not born my correct gender by a long shot.

[Vanessa Michelle]

@lachallenger Thanks for joining the forums and sharing your story! Welcome! We are all in different places of our stories and I know you'll find the love and acceptance you deserve here as well as people eager to talk and help any way they can in the process. Thanks for trusting us with your story. I am also late 40's and have only recently accepted who I have always been. That's all the further I have taken it other than telling 2 friends. I also come from the Christian faith and that was the last hurdle I had to overcome to believe I was ok and that God not only still loved me, but accepted me exactly as I am. Bless you and again, welcome!! ❤️

[DeeDee]

o/ Early 40's, does that mean I can play too? Pleased to meet you!  It alwasy makes me so sad to see just how many people equate Christianity with the word "conservative" like they go together, when Jesus spent his life subverting the cultural norms of his day.

I just always thought I was crap at being a man until my 40th birthday, then I just sort of got hit in the face with dysphoria  and it has been an emotional ride, but a very rewarding one the last couple of years. I am glad you are finding yourself @lachallenger there are plenty of different threads to read through, or just start your own if there is a topic you want to talk about.  

[lachallenger]

Typed words alone cannot convey how happy I am to find that there are others in the world not so unlike myself - a circumstance that is relatively new to me.

[Vanessa Michelle]

I agree @lachallenger ⬆️ I was so confused and felt afraid to come out on here even because I thought my so-called orientation and my story were so jacked up that I was positive someone here would tell me so and that I wasn't trans or anything, I'm just messed up and confused, that's all. Then I read a few others who felt the same as me and I was amazed and I didn't feel so abnormal anymore. 

As for the Christian faith, I understand. I am far from "out" in my journey, but part of my "problem" is I and my wife are pastors who pastor a church we planted. My first priority in accepting who I am was verifying for myself that I really am a woman who was assigned male at birth, then it was seeking to understand that from a biblical perspective and synthesize that with a more accurate understanding of Scripture where it doesn't condemn us in our community, but rather supports us. Matthew Vines and Kathy Baldock were invaluable in my research and changing my understanding of "what the Bible says" about us. I am confident in my understanding now and while I know the Church does not as of yet align with the truth I have found, I know that God himself does and he loves us just as we are and as the Word says, there is no condemnation for us. I am rather out of the box in my theology as it is and so I am glad to have finally crossed over this barrier as well. In time, I may come out fully and transition as well. Baby steps. I don't wish to offend or step out of the confines of the religion section with my above comments, but I want you all to know, as a charismatic ordained pastor I say this: The Church as a whole may not agree with us and yet align with what God himself feels about us in the LGBTQ+ community, but his heart for us is pure love and you are not wrong for being non-heterosexual. It is not a choice, you are not a mistake, you belong to the Church like anyone else professing faith in Christ. I can understand one leaving the Church due to their experiences above, but be comforted that you needn't leave God. He loves you, he always has and nothing can change that. You are so beautiful to him. Blessings my friends. Love you all. ❤️