Need some feedback

[Bobbie Scott]

Hi ladies,I'm coming up on 90 days hrt. I've only outed myself to a couple people so far.1 of them a relative. I went on a date Saturday night with a girl I really liked. I told myself if I liked her,I would come clean to her. Right away my old instincts kicked in. I'll go back in the closet, and just tell her I'm a crossdresser.(Just for  me only) A lie I believed to justify being transgendered. I thought I was perverted or sick. Was gonna go to hell because It was a sin. Through  counseling, I found out I still believe in good values and people. In Aa I found a loving and caring God. I believe there is one God for every one. If I mess up ,I have consequences. If I'm really sorry, and don't repeat the same thing. I'll be forgiven. My last girlfriend I really hurt her ,by not being honest from the beginning. The woman I've had relationships with really love my idea of what I think woman want. I've always been faithful, made sure we had a nice home. Remembered birthday, anniversaries, helped provide for my kids. I always tried to be the kind of guy I would be as a woman. And even though I know I'd be miserable going back to being me. I'm thinking about it. Be hard to do though with breasts,Not big, but you can see them with no shirt on.

I'm afraid to tell her,she's different from the other girls I've dated. I can't tell how open minded she is. Or should I just move on. I know I can't continue to hurt people.  If I don't share this, I'll continue to live in fear.  

[Heather Shay]

First - thank you for sharing and seeking advice. Hope you are still with therapist and share. That is very important. You need to be true to yourself and the thoughts you are having are normal - believe it or not. I was raised Catholic and Polish to boot so the sin aspect is double for me - BUT - I believe God makes us who we are and being trans is not - repeat - IS NOT a sin. Honesty is also important - maybe spend time with the lady and see how things go for a while and if it feels right then share your concerns about yourself and see how she reacts. I've only been on HRT 5 months but come from a small breasted family so I don't have much nor expect much and I'm 68 - suffering 68 years of denial. Don't be afraid and know others here have similar stories and we are not sinners. We will hold you in our thoughts and prayers and anytime you need to ask and share and seek - we are here.

[Jackie C.]

Lying to people hurts them. Lying to yourself hurts you. I hurt myself for forty-eight years before I realized that maybe I should do something about that. After I stopped lying to myself, it was killing me to lie to my wife. My therapist told me to wait. That lasted about a week.

 

The point I'm getting at is you should tell this girl up front what's going on. You can't build a relationship on a foundation of lies. She might be more receptive than you expect.

 

Hugs!

[Gabriel]

11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

The point I'm getting at is you should tell this girl up front what's going on. You can't build a relationship on a foundation of lies. She might be more receptive than you expect.

I believe that too. And if she isn't receptive and you have waited and are more invested in her, then that would hurt you and make you doubt yourself even more. I think the point is to be with someone who embraces and likes who you are, with whom you can be your whole self.

[tracy_j]

I see that it's very much about confidence. If you feel guilty about something you will try to hide it and, as such, show bad signs to anyone (or everyone). It's a good first step to openly seek advice, admitting things. I feel that, although the right approach is needed which takes learning, anyone who is repectful will appreciate confidence and honesty (that can bring the respect). Although I have not approached deep relatonships (apart from  my partner) I have been surprised just how much being confident and hiding little has put people at their ease.

 

Tracy

[Charlize]

Bobbie i know only too well that horrible feeling of rejection if i am honest.  While i wasn't raised Catholic i did understand that allowing any feminine tendencies into my life was terribly wrong.  Hiding was self a kind of dishonesty.  I learned to lie to protect myself.   Once i took the step to accepting myself rather than hiding,  i had to force myself to be honest.  Time after time i faced the terror of rejection, mocking laughter and self loathing.  Slowly those fears melted away.  As an addict in recovery i remember quick fearlessness coming through substance abuse.  My transition has been a slow but much more powerful journey.  Carrying guilt for weakness never helped me.  After all i was "wrong" for being me and "wrong" for not moving forward.  Instead therapy helped me see that i could learn from my  past.  Each struggle becomes a blessing as  i become more self aware and accepting.

Enjoy this journey.  It is't easy!  It can be beautiful.  Openness and honesty can help to make that come.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kestrel McLoughlin]

While this is partially hypocritical of me, because I'm struggling with truth to loved ones myself, there are few things more low-grade harrowing from day to day then the persistent feeling that you're being fed a fictitious reality. I can guarantee that when something this central is hidden from the people close to you, they feel it, and they begin to feel some mix of crazy or betrayed. That doesn't mean you're wronging them - it's so very understandable that you struggle with this decision - but ultimately, at least with chosen family or chosen loved ones, I recommend letting them in, for both your sanity.

 

I won't be as severe as "Anything that can be destroyed by the truth should be", but I will say its euphorically intimate to show up in love without a shield or camouflage, and equally so with the feeling that your partner has no such device. You both deserve that chance.

 

But there isn't a wrong choice here. Trust your heart.

[Bobbie Scott]

Thank you Charlize and Kestrel. I so want to be honest. The girl I like is new in sobriety and is working hard on her sobriety. I think she really likes me, have a feeling that if I tell her she'll be gone. I've had some bad luck with relationships. I know I have to be honest.