I lost my Ability to be Human, I lived as a Woman for several decades since the early 70's and 80's and now I extremely hate myself everyday

[Rosalina101011]

I’m happy for all the trans people who are living their lives the way they are meant to be. I struggle for many decades (6 decades) to love myself and to be kind to others but I have failed. I started cross dressing at age 4 and at age 15 started hormones illegally. 
I have been to countless therapy with no solution to why I hate myself so much. I lived as a female since age 15 and at 63 I totally lost myself of being a woman and a human. I have been trying to find another HRT doctor but living in wonderful souther California (Pasadena) these days is very difficult. I’m going to have a talk with my doctor that has been in the community for a long time to see whats going on with me. This doctor for some reason don’t believe in blood test to monitor hormone levels. I have taken two hormones shots a month and now I notice they don’t do anything for my mental state. I have tried pellets, pills , injection and nothing is working anymore. My body is not accepting the HRT anymore after all of these years. Now I notice after all of those years I am being clocked heavily more just by people looking at me. I look extremely mad and disgusted with myself these days. I was just talking to my CIS partner tonight and she suffers with extreme arthritics all over her body and I just now told her I wish I could have all of her pain transfer to me where she can live a happier live. 
 Its to a point now that I am totally isolated from society. I don’t like people and I try to stay distance. This is no life and I know I will carry this to my grave of not experiencing of being happy.  I'm post-op SRS since the 1980's. I believe I am a rare cause of a transgender woman experiencing negative effects of long HRT in-take. I have found that when I inject HRT the opposite happens that I get more anger and hating myself and others around me. I know if I keep going in this state of mind I am going to end up in extreme serious legal problems. I don't feel like a human and more. I don't feel feminine anymore. I'm just an disgusting object just exist. I have in the passed been shut down from our own community and disrespected to the fullest. Totally mis-gendered by my own community. I don't have any family or friends. I have done everything on my own since the early 80' way before internet.  Here a photo what I use to be and now I look like worst then dog poooo. 

[Maddee]

Hi Rosalina.

You look so unhappy now.  As you said.

 

I don't want to be a part of any community that disrespects tthir own this wway. I notice this happens with groups, including trans "communities" towards individuals who don't fit in, even in cases when they know more than the most of the group does.

 

What you said to your partner about taking their pain for them is awful, but kind of beautiful also.  If there is any worldly omfort at all, please fall on you bbot!!

 

Does anyone know a good way to get blood labs done independently?  Rosalina, with your DIY experience, would you be able to interpret the levels at all?   Ive recently reduced my injection dose to try to help my bad thoughts and make them less intense.  Been told that the injections can be too spiky for me to handle, but I don't take pills because of specific concern for my system.  

 

But I know my issues are not just from the HRT!!!!  It's been hard to get along with others online because I must say the wrong things.  I think I lack the skills to share life with others and be a friend or partner, whatever gender I am to them .  I'm a downer, and it's like charity work to spend time with me.  Which is 99% not in person these days of course.    I live alone, mostly unemployed since last year, and haven't been in a relationship in over five years.  I wouldn't want to bring my negativity into a relationship anyway.   And time keeps moving by while we're all stuck on hold......

 

I know a cis (and straight) woman who has major unhappy masculinization due to health issues, and we were discussing the weirdness of high E levels somehow turning into T.  Wondering if something like this is affecting you? 

 

Again I think what you said to your partner about taking their pain shows me you are as beautiful inside as your enviable first photo.

 

 

[Heather Shay]

@Rosalina101011 first off I think you have shown how brave and strong you are and you do have friends.... US. We want to help as much as we can and know we understand your pain. You live in an area that is more accepting than most and I think @VickySGV might be able to suggest groups in your area you might reach out to to find companionship and that you are truly human and loved. In regard to anger and frustration I hope you have a therapist you can go to and discuss and a more open doctor to take blood tests and meds to help with the anger.

Please hang in there you are a beautiful looking woman and I can't imagine how anyone could clock you otherwise.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Jackie C.
Rule #3 violation

[Maddee]

I don't understand where Rosalina is at because she already transitioned so long back.  Way before I got my diagnosis in 1990s.  Which is still an eternity when I make the mistake of comparing myself to others who got to transition in a different area, time, and situation.   Its frustrating extreme, and still haven't gotten through living and surgeries, so I feel like crap. 

 

Looking that good at some point in the past probably makes this worse for her.  

 

I think support groups suck, and from my experience, they feel the same about me.

 

I just passionately told myself to commit suicide 100 times in the mirror.  Again.

 

[Robin]

When I first started exploring my gender issues, I attended one meeting of a support group.  Sadly, it was an extremely negative experience, and it took me a long while to regain my confidence in my identity.

 

I am not suggesting that all support groups are bad, but not all groups are necessarily welcoming and beneficial to everyone.

 

Robin.

[Jani]

Looking at the photo you've posted I don't understand why you would be clocked.  As to your body not accepting the hormone you take, please find a doctor that will run some blood tests.  As we age our bodies do change and you might have another issue that needs to be addressed.  All my best to you.

 

Jani

[VickySGV]

6 hours ago, Shay said:

and I think @VickySGV might be able to suggest groups in your area you might reach out to

 

In Pasadena,CA. the Planned Parenthood organization has a clinic for Trans patients on HRT.  They also have referrals to Mental Health providers in the area as well.  Contact them and they will do their best to help you.

[Heather Shay]

I want to apologise to @Rosalina101011 and EVERYONE on this site for not reading her posting and misgendered her. I am absolutely ashamed and embarrassed. She is a very beautiful woman and I will never be anywhere near as beautiful. How she can be misgendered is totally beyond me (unless like me you misread the post which I did as I was being interrupted at the time I read the post. 

Believe me Rosalina that I meant to?assure you not make fun and I pray I haven't done any more damage. I have suffered with GD my entire life of 68 years and I never want to make it worse. I know how it feels. I am not even to a point where I might even not get clocked and I can't imagine your suffering. Please please please accept my apology.