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Gender Identity


Kelli

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I'm a 30 year old female and I've never questioned my gender until now. 

I don't know why I did it, but I packed for the first time yesterday and I

don't know how I feel about it. 

 

Does this mean that I'm FTM or Non-Binary? 

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome @Kelli, I think you are simply questioning your identity and trying something new right now. This is good and I think everyone should have the opportunity to do this without judgement or ridicule. However, society doesn’t work that way for the most part that is why places like this are critical. Without support and allies, we tend to keep our feelings to ourselves and go with the societal norms. Free expression is healthy and can tell you a lot about yourself. I’m sure in time you’ll narrow down what this all means to you.

 

It’s never too soon to seek out some professional guidance using a therapist. Some specialize in gender identity issues and I highly recommend locating one and try working with one for a few sessions to see if they’re helpful for you. Mine has done wonders for me. She has helped me overcome my fears, address some issues with relationships regarding my transition and helped me look at the world with new eyes.

 

I wish I could tell you exactly what this new acted upon desire means for you but honestly, only you can answer that question. I think you’re in the right place to get practical advice and meet people with similar experiences. Best of luck to you and may you get some answers soon.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

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Hi @Kelli, welcome.

 

Just what Susan said, it is always good to explore who you are and what makes you feel more you. 

Exploration often goes hand in hand with confusion. At least it did for me. And confusion is a definitive uncomfortable feeling. It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to label whatever we are experiencing, and it also natural, because our brains (or egos) need the certainty of something to hold on to. So it's not easy.

 

It is totally normal that you don't know how you feel about something new you're trying. Just give it a bit of time and when it stops feeling weird you'll know if it is a yes or a no for you.

 

That said, you cannot come to any conclusion from one single experiment. If you feel like it, you can also experiment with other easy things (clothes, even if it is at home, underwear, styling your hair, ...). Be open to yourself about what you feel, it could be a wide arrange of things, and just knowing them you will come to know yourself better. And that is great.

 

And, if you feel anxious or overwhelmed by your questioning, you can contact a gender therapist. They will make the journey way easier and help you makes sense of it all.

 

This place has lots of wonderful people who can give you a helping word of support of advice.

 

Wish you a beautiful journey of self discovery

Gabe 

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Hi @Kelli  nice to meet you and Welcome!

 

I think Questioning is natural, and for me (and mostly likely most of us here) it was really a first step of the process.  It might be the end point, or just the beginning of your journey.

I agree with @Susan R and @Gabriel on the importance of therapy to be able to truly explore your feelings and identity in an open and non-judgemental environment.  Therapy has been an amazing experience in self-acceptance for me.

Also, my experience from my time here in the Forum, is as I read more and more from other Members, it was easy to make a connection to some of our common shared experiences.  That was very helpful for me to start to connect the dots.

Wishing you all the best, and hope to hear more from you❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

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Thank you for the support.

 

I found a therapist online and I would love to go meet her.

The bad thing about this is I don't have my driver's license (I'm 30 years old and I don't have my license) to go talk to her. 

Also, I don't want my parents knowing I'm want to go see a therapist, especially when I'm living with them. I don't want to them to know my issues that I have especially when it comes to my sexuality and gender. 

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23 hours ago, Jandi said:

Welcome Kelli

Hi.

 

I'm thinking about experimenting more and getting packing underwear and a binder.

 

The only problem is for not experimenting more is I live with my parents and I don't want  them to know. 

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Hi Kelli

This is a good window, through this screen and out onto the world of people like us. And we're a kind-hearted, mutually supportive and friendly  bunch of gender-benders, all in this boat together. Grab an oar. Men get the hard jobs....

I'm at the front end of MtF HRT, so I'm a newbie too. Having said that ... I have an opinion. [No surprize to those who know me.]

I agree with:

On 12/3/2020 at 11:36 PM, Gabriel said:

And confusion is a definitive uncomfortable feeling. It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to label whatever we are experiencing, and it also natural, because our brains (or egos) need the certainty of something to hold on to. So it's not easy.

I think it's a trap, because if we apply someone else's label to ourselves, that label carries its own expectations. Eg, "I fit into the FtM definition, so I should act and feel more ____ than I do or want to." Fill in the blank. A big message I'm getting from my GT is my task is finding the gender expression that's most authentic for being the person I really want to be. In my case, I'm on Estradiol, but I don't know how long. So far, I'm liking the changes. Someday, I may say, "this is far enough." That day doesn't feel at all imminent. I think my GT would say, "If it feels right to you, then it is."

 

So I guess my object is not to get to some "trans enough" place so I can fit into a definitional category. It's to find the place where my self-definition and my gender expression are more aligned, then jump on for the ride as I progress on E.

 

"Ride it like you stole it." 

 

~~Hugs from Lee~~

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On 12/4/2020 at 10:08 PM, Kelli said:

I don't want my parents knowing I'm want to go see a therapist, especially when I'm living with them. I don't want to them to know my issues that I have especially when it comes to my sexuality and gender. 

hi Kelli!  I understand how difficult your living situation makes this for you.  I hope you can find a way/transportation options to eventually see this therapist.
I can't give advice, and I don't know what your relationship is with your parents, but people go to therapists for many, many reasons (and most are probably not gender related).  So, even if the "story/reason" is for general anxiety issues, then hopefully loving parents will want the best for one of their children.

 

Once you are with a therapist, not only can they help with your gender dysphoria, but also how to work through your family or other intimate relationships. 

 

I guess that's the conundrum ... the potential answers are at a place you can't get to.  Sending positive vibes that you find the way to make it happen ❣️?

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17 hours ago, KayC said:

hi Kelli!  I understand how difficult your living situation makes this for you.  I hope you can find a way/transportation options to eventually see this therapist.
I can't give advice, and I don't know what your relationship is with your parents, but people go to therapists for many, many reasons (and most are probably not gender related).  So, even if the "story/reason" is for general anxiety issues, then hopefully loving parents will want the best for one of their children.

 

Once you are with a therapist, not only can they help with your gender dysphoria, but also how to work through your family or other intimate relationships. 

 

I guess that's the conundrum ... the potential answers are at a place you can't get to.  Sending positive vibes that you find the way to make it happen ❣️?

 

When I go see a therapist and they diagnose me with gender dysphoria. I will be shocked because I never knew I had it until now. Maybe the sock packing clicked something in my brain (maybe???) 

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HI and welcome to the forum :DD 

 

I was a bit younger when I started questioning my gender, but for me my first time realizing was when I put on a beanie (when I had long hair and tucked my hair into the beanie) and I actually recognized myself and felt comfort. It was really weird so I talked to my friend who also happened to be an FtM dude, funny how LGBT+ tend to be drawn to each other. but there was a lot of questioning, but it also came with discomfort, but eventually peace. 

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  • Forum Moderator
7 hours ago, Kelli said:

When I go see a therapist and they diagnose me with gender dysphoria. I will be shocked because I never knew I had it until now. Maybe the sock packing clicked something in my brain (maybe???) 

 

That can be a funny thing. To a certain extent we're all locked in our own heads. We don't know any better, so we assume everybody else feels the same things we do. I was into my forties before I realized the mental static and depression I felt wasn't actually normal. It took dressing as my preferred gender and how RIGHT it felt. The dam just broke and everything made sense again.

 

Hugs!

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Your identity is your to realize!

 

People can suggest labels, even will dare to tell you what you are -  the answers are in you, the rest are suggestions, recommendations and labeling!

 

There is a 'Q' for questioning and there is nothing wrong to be 'Q'! Just don't rush into anything if you don't have your own answers, hidden inside you, based on your own self-understanding and the info you have! The most important part of being 'T' or 'NB' or whatever is to have no doubts about it. To rethink it - even a 1000 if it's necessary than regret it later and add more pain, damage and insult to our community! 

 

I dare to say that you are 'Q' and it's great and you need to find answers, you need to ask yourself after you have heard everyone, after you have read everything are you anything else!

 

Have a great day! :)   

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2 hours ago, shelly_koleva83 said:

 than regret it later and add more pain, damage and insult to our community! 

I do not agree with this. I believe we all have our own path and we have the right to make mistakes. It is just human. Every experience is valid and it doesn't hurt the community. 

 

We all need to question deeply, experiment and get to know ourselves better every day. There is no rush. But there must not be any added fear to the already confusing and hard process.

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3 hours ago, Gabriel said:

I do not agree with this. I believe we all have our own path and we have the right to make mistakes. It is just human. Every experience is valid and it doesn't hurt the community. 

 

We all need to question deeply, experiment and get to know ourselves better every day. There is no rush. But there must not be any added fear to the already confusing and hard process.

100% agree

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I don't want to disrespect this community at all. 

 

That is why in the near future I want to go see a therapist to help me with the issues that I have. 

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1 hour ago, Kelli said:

I don't want to disrespect this community at all. 

 

That is why in the near future I want to go see a therapist to help me with the issues that I have. 

 

We're surprisingly thick-skinned.  After all, if you don't ask questions, how will you learn? Sure we have our struggles and missteps happen, but it usually just takes a sincere apology for us to get over them. We hang together, right?

 

Definitely with you on the gender therapist though. All the ones I've met have been very pleasant and helpful. I wish you all the best with yours.

 

Hugs!

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7 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

It took dressing as my preferred gender and how RIGHT it felt. The dam just broke and everything made sense again.

This was my experience as well.

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Hi Kelli,

    You have some really good things going for you that you hopefully will not lose sight of. You are young. That is a benefit to you in every way. Take time to enjoy the exploration of you. What you will find is uncertain but, having an open mind will help you find comfort within yourself and acceptance. That is the base from which you'll likely work on all of the other aspects of your identity. If something feels right then you know it has merit and if not, you can stop right away. You will need as much support as possible, so hopefully you'll find a time when you can feel comfortable with bringing other people into your circle. That isn't always easy. I've had my fair share of disappointments too. That doesn't mean everyone will react the way you think they will. There is a lot to take in and think on. Whatever you do is up to you but, taking the time to enjoy it is the most important part in my opinion. Best of luck.

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The following stirred up quite a ruckus. I'll add my 2c, with a two-cent discount:

On 12/7/2020 at 2:27 AM, shelly_koleva83 said:

The most important part of being 'T' or 'NB' or whatever is to have no doubts about it. To rethink it - even a 1000 if it's necessary than regret it later and add more pain, damage and insult to our community! 

If anyone is thinking they can not start transitioning until they "have no doubts about it," none of us would start. My understanding is that it is not a binary condition, flip a switch, boy to girl, done, let's move on. Rather, I am experiencing it as a transition. A very gradual change from more masculine to more feminine.

 

I'm trying to savor each day as it's own new experience. Eg, how does polishing my fingernails feel? Good? Cool. I'm happy with the lighter color for now.

 

I don't understand which "community" is "our community" to which Shelly refers. Isn't this our community, and aren't all or most of us doubtful to some extent? Certainly, I am; but so far, I like the direction of change in my transition, so I'll keep going. For me, the journey is the point, not some preconceived destination when I will have become "trans-enough," or "female-enough."

 

I think the point is "self-acceptance," not "other-acceptance." Transitioning is a continuum from a polar "pure male" to a polar "pure female." "Cis-gender" means only that we're comfortable living somewhere along that continuum having a set of characteristics and an emotional make-up that society associates with our GAAB. Transgender means being more comfortable with a set of emotions and characteristics usually assigned to the other gender. We get to determine for ourselves where on that spectrum we want to live and present ourselves, and which characteristics we choose as being right for us.

 

There are no gatekeepers, and you sure do have our acceptance, Shelly, lingering doubts and all....

~~Here are my hugs, from ~~.

 

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3 hours ago, Lee H said:

If anyone is thinking they can not start transitioning until they "have no doubts about it," none of us would start. My understanding is that it is not a binary condition, flip a switch, boy to girl, done, let's move on. Rather, I am experiencing it as a transition. A very gradual change from more masculine to more feminine.

I... really needed to hear this today. Thank you.

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  • Forum Moderator

Yes this is true.  Sort of like the adage "don't let perfect be the enemy of good."  Doubts will fade and if not you retrace your steps.  

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21 hours ago, Lee H said:

…I am experiencing it as a transition. A very gradual change from more masculine to more feminine.

 

I'm trying to savor each day as it's own new experience. Eg, how does polishing my fingernails feel? Good? Cool. I'm happy with the lighter color for now.

I agree.   It's been take a step.  How does it feel?  Take the next step.  How does this feel…

And so on.

For me, I've wanted the next step.

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On 12/8/2020 at 3:00 PM, AnAnxiousMess said:

I... really needed to hear this today. Thank you.

Feels good to hear someone else say that.  100%agree 

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