Not Questioning, Not Confused, Except For Where To Post

[Guest Luna M]

So, I don't have any gender issues or problems to discuss; I'm finding the people here to be really interesting and open, and it's nice to see. I'm traditionally a lurker on forums, and when I do speak, it's in fits and spurts; I'm quiet for a long time, then I talk a lot. That's just me. I come and go.

I've known for a long time that I have certain Issues, though. I know most people do; but I'm bad about not talking to people about mine, or putting everything on a scattered few people, or just blasting in my livejournal under a private post that no one ever sees. Alternatively, I snap unnecessarily at people who don't deserve it, or get worked up and angry in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have a truly horrible temper; I punch things, mostly. I've hit people. I've hit people I love, hoping they'll hit back, even when I know they won't, and I just made a huge jerk of myself by striking someone who won't defend themselves. I'm not proud of that. It's only happened once or twice, but that's way too much. I have an anger problem, and I know it.

I've been neck deep in it lately. I've been good about not letting it bleed over onto other people; I've been speaking with my SO about it regularly, and even if he doesn't know what to say, just that he listens helps me to diffuse myself.

It's just that so much has been boiling to the surface, recently...and I'm at such a loss for what to do with it all. I feel like I need a therapist, but I am _extremely_ distrustful of therapists and psychology as a whole. More and more and more, I am a very, very science-driven person; I don't "believe in" things. I either know things or I don't know them. Statements are either knowledge, facts, opinions, beliefs, or falsehoods. When doctors say things to me like "I think you're suffering from X because of Y doctor who came up with this idea that seems to fit and therefore it must make sense, here's a pill/exercise/support group for that," I just want to smack them. I _hate it_ when people pretend to have _any_ idea what's going on in my head after just meeting me. I hate it when some Ph.D with a stick up her butt tells me I have this or that disorder. Of course I do! I'm sure I fall squarely into a number of different "disorders." If I were tested today, I'd probably qualify for Aspergers. But so what? I don't want to be a collection of -isms. I'm a person, not a diagnosis. I wish therapists would treat me accordingly. Talk to me like I'm a friend, not a patient. At least ACT like they care. I'm never convinced. Part of that is my fault; I'm hard to convince, because of my reflexive distrust.

For some reason, this is easier. Talking to strangers on the Internet offers a certain degree of comfort; after all, if I don't like the answers, at least I can tell myself, "it's just the Internet. " I don't mean that to sound dismissive of any of you. But understand, part of the reason I feel comfortable talking here is that I don't _have_ to care what responses I get. I'm more comfortable talking to a group of random people who actually want to listen to me than I am to a single "authority" that wants me to pay them for their 50-minute hour and expects me to look up to them because they went to school for a long time (I'm not the least bit impressed with our school systems or what they teach; anyone can memorize facts and parrot them on command. Very, very few people ever learn to _think_. You can be a genius and still be an idiot).

I'm not a talker. When I talk, I rant. I'm too blunt, and as much as I try not to step on toes, I fail easily. I apologize in advance if ever I get on anyone's nerves, here.

Anyway.

Nothing truly horrible has ever really happened to me. I've never been raped or molested, my parents are still happily married after 35 years, I come from a reasonably well-off household and I've never once even thought of suicide. Though I have my days, I'm pretty stubbornly convinced of my own self-worth. I can take anything. I can be as sad as sad comes, but not suicidally depressed. I'm more likely to want to kill someone ELSE than myself, and only because I think certain people are simply, truly, actually bad cruel rotten scumbags. Sometimes, I think about it. I think about violence against other human beings a lot.

I had the worst experience with bullies, ever, all the way from middle school to high school. Not schoolyard bullied; if they were just kids, it really wouldn't have been a big deal. I knew kids were just kids. I expected them to grow up eventually. If another kid was rude to me, yeah, maybe my feelings would get hurt; maybe I'd cry a little, maybe I'd get into a fight. But it didn't torment me. I've always been very, very aware of my age. I've always expected to change as I grow, and the fact other people have done the same never surprised me. In fact, I expected it; I didn't get too terribly attached to my childhood friends. I knew not all of them would stick around. I didn't date seriously in high school. I took my college aspirations to a career with a grain of salt. Change is part of the world around us. I don't like it any more than the next person, but as a matter of survival, I've made it a point to keep change in my personal life in-perspective. People come and they go; that's all right with me. I'm okay. I'm not alone, even when people leave. There are new friends to be made.

No, the bullies at school weren't kids at all. I was bullied by teachers. I was bullied by administrators, people in charge who saw me as some kind of project.

I had a hard time concentrating in grammar school. I HATED homework. I didn't socialize with other children. These behaviors were problematic, in the eyes of the school, and it was strongly suggested to my parents--although I wasn't unhappy and had no idea why anyone thought there was anything wrong with me--that I see a shrink. My parents, worrisome creatures that they are, acquiesced, and in short order, I was diagnosed with ADD and a healthy side-dish of OCD.

This was in 1987. Anyone who lived in that era, especially in the south, understands the alarmist attitude about such "disorders" that was circulating during that time frame. The psychiatrist desperately insisted that if something wasn't done about me NOW, I would grow up to be a failure and a loser. Terrified, my parents allowed them to put me on their miracle drug--Ritalin.

The effect on my brain was...thinking back on it, bothersome, even from the start. I felt SO GOOD...because I was HIGH. The stuff acted on my emotions like the Oxy my dentist gave me for my wisdom teeth did last year. I wasn't old enough to understand it at the time; I thought, wow, this is great! I was much happier in school, even when the teachers were fussing at me.

But...I still didn't do my homework! I still didn't pay attention in class! I was still bored!

And, of course, after a while, the "high" the drug caused started to wear off as my body got used to it. I went through several long months where the psychiatrist upped my dose, from 5mg to 10, 15, 20, 25...by the time I was in 5th grade, I was on 40mg of Ritalin twice a day. And I wasn't getting high or happy from it anymore. And I still hated homework and didn't understand why people kept insisting I do it (I now know why I hated it, but it had nothing to do with ADD or anything like it) and acting like I was going to be a Juvie just because I wasn't doing it.

The public school system gave up. They told my parents, "take her to private school, or she's going to fail." Terrified, again, my parents did as suggested. They signed me up for a $13K-per-year private school "designed" for children with "special emotional needs."

Right. Well, my parents spent all the money they had saved to send me to college, as well as half their life savings on this stupid school. And it was a complete, total waste, as far as I'm concerned.

Reflex for most people is to say, "well why didn't you just behave yourself? You wouldn't have put them through all this!" But fact is, I was actually a pretty obedient child. I followed my parents' rules. They never made STUPID rules. Their rules kept me safe, kept me out of danger and taught me to think for myself and respect other people. Never did they tell me, "if you don't do exactly as I want to you do, you'll be punished." They told me, "here's why this is a good rule to follow." If it made sense, I'd follow it. Not running in the street made sense. Saying "please" and "thank you" made sense.

Doing three hours of busywork about things I already knew the answers to every night in fourth grade DID NOT MAKE SENSE. Studying when I already knew the answers didn't make sense. I went to school for six hours each day to learn. That was it, that was my "work day," that was THEIR opportunity to teach me something. As far as I was concerned, once I got home, I got to do what I wanted (within reason). And as it happened, most of the stuff I wanted to do at home included learning, anyway. I loved math and science games. I loved computers. I loved media. I loved reading. I was not a stupid child.

At this new school, I was required to go through monthly psych evaluations and "temperment management." In the seven years I spent there, I took Ritalin, Adarol, Xanax, something else starting with S, Prozac, Paxil, and Welbutrin. Nothing worked. Nothing made me better at homework. As I got older, I did socialize more, but that's just because I was growing up and becoming more interested in other people. But the fact is, the ONLY reason I was there was because of...homework. That's it. I wasn't rude, I didn't start fights (although occasionally I finished them), I never smoked, did drugs, drank underage, partied, had sex...I was close with my parents. I was picture perfect Model Child. Except..._homework_. Seriously, WHY?

I went through more stress and emotional spikes and valleys because of all the medication I was on than I ever would have if they'd just left me the heck alone. And any time my parents expressed trepidation with what was being done with me, they were reminded that unless I was kept in check, I'd spiral out of control and never make anything of myself. And I, in my drug-induced haze, coupled with the confusion of going through puberty, was too much of a tired, alternately numb and oversensitive disaster to think clearly, to imagine that I had any choice in the matter.

The school itself was like living in rehab (caveat; never been to rehab, never had an addiction problem, but from what I know). Unless we earned the privilege through good behavior, we weren't allowed to leave the building (not the campus--the BUILDING) without a teacher escort. Every week, our class would sit in a circle and give "feedback" to each other. There were very strict rules. You had a "point sheet"--you took it with you everywhere, and gave it to your teacher at the beginning of each class. At the end, the teacher would mark your point sheet--checks for "passed" and Xes for "failed"--on matters such as "cooperates" or "has materials" or "positive attitude." Missing enough points resulted in "consequences"--read, punishments--the worst of which would be a drop to level "D."

There were four levels, A, B, C and D. You started off at C. You couldn't do much at this level. You still had to ask to go to the bathroom and you needed a hall pass (keep in mind, this applied to high school as well as gradeschool--the rules were completely unchanged throughout K-12; high school seniors treated no more like reasonable adults than kindergarteners. Yup, we had "time outs," in the corner, just like the little kids). Level B, you could leave the building to go to another building if you were asked to do something for a teacher, like make a few copies of something at the office. Only level As could drive to school (if old enough), or skip out on home room, or go to McDonalds for lunch, or take walks around the campus. It was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to stay on level A for more than a week or two. Three points lost, and you were back on B.

Level D was sensory deprivation. You could not talk to your peers. You could not speak unless asked to by a teacher. You spent all your lunches inside, away from everyone. You were not allowed to go out for breaks/recess. You spent mandatory detention every day after school. You were not allowed to take the bus; your parents had to drive you (REALLY. EMBARRASSING.)

This "levels" system was the worst idea in the whole world. You didn't just get promoted or demoted as was seen fit. You were "brought up" for a "raise" or "drop," depending, and after getting around of feedback, they went around the room and your peers and teachers would _vote_ on whether to keep you on your level or raise or drop you. Teacher's votes meant more, and the principle had veto authority. It was a horrible jury of peers, and although I wasn't "burned" by it that often, I knew and saw a lot of kids judged completely unfairly just because they weren't well-liked. It was impossibly hard for certain people to get anywhere in the system, and to make matters worse, the administration delighted in tormenting perpetual level-D-ers, talking to them and telling them how disappointing they were while the kid wasn't allowed to say ANYTHING in return, lest he/she get in trouble.

Absolutely no dating was allowed at the school. Any "PDA" was punished severely, and kids weren't allowed to talk about their relationships at school. Heaven forbid you might be gay or trans or anything other than straight. That 'sort of behavior' simply was NOT 'tolerated.' Any expression of sexuality at all, in fact, even a peck on the cheek, gay straight or whatever, was strictly taboo. No touching, not even in a friendly way. And girls dressed like girls, boys dressed like boys. No arguments, no exceptions.

The nurse came around at lunch every day to give each child his or her medication and watch them take it, then peeked in their mouth to be sure they swallowed it. Humiliating, to say the least.

My worst memories are about the so-called "discipline" at the school. Unruly children, if they wouldn't stop yelling or crying, instead of calling their parents and having them take the child home like any reasonable school might have done, instead would stuff the kind into the "Pink Room;" a tiny, windowless room with pepto-bismol pink walls, locking them in until they shut up and agreed to behave. The room, while it was cleaned if there was a mess, always smelled like puke and urine form the kids who freaked out that much. I remember one kid with REALLY bad OCD who tried to chew the door hinges off. He left in an ambulance because he tore out two of his own teeth trying to get out before anyone realized what was happening.

That lawsuits weren't brought against the school absolutely astounds me. I hope they are, someday. I'd testify.

The administration was ridiculously cruel and many of them were hyper-religious. They invoked God's name to excuse their harshness, and to say evangelism wasn't a part of their game would be an outright lie. Although the school claimed to be faith-neutral, I can't count the number of times I was asked, "have you prayed about this?" by a teacher or the headmaster. The fact I wasn't, despite my mom's strong faith, a religious person, myself, made matters worse for me. They tried to 'save' me a lot. Ugh.

They called us names a lot. I was called the b-word, the w-word, a disappointment, a failure, a liar. When I was angry, they always asked me, "did you take your medicine today?" and insist that if I wasn't in a chemical trance, I wasn't thinking straight. Any and all of my complaints were dismissed on account of my being "unreasonable," either because I hadn't recently had pills or because the pills I was taking weren't working.

Even my mom got into it; she found me "easier" to deal with when I was not on medication. I have an explanation for this! When the medication wore off, I could feel again, and I couldn't BELIEVE how angry I was at the way I'd been treated, and heaven forbid, I was actually OFFENDED by the fact I wasn't being taken seriously.

I was never over-the-top angry. I never threw stuff, or banged my head on things, or hurt myself. I just got mad and tried to argue. This is perfectly normal anger, especially for, ahem, a teenager. "Out of control" is when you spaz completely and start causing damage. I did not. I just wanted to be listened to and not told I didn't know what I was saying, here's some pills.

Like a well-adjusted, normal person, I persevered, even after being called a very *friendly* person (curious, as I was a virgin until well into my twenties), stupid, incapable of taking care of myself, disappointing, a pest, uncontrollable, unbalanced, erratic. I graduated, just to get OUT of there.

And the moment I got out, I cold-turkeyed my meds. Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did. I got out of my emotional and creative slump. I _made decisions for myself_. I now have a job, and a good place to live, and two (good) cars, some cats, and a meaningful relationship with a man I love. I get along. HARDLY the holy terror they insisted, for YEARS, that I would turn into if I ever went off medication.

But, even though I'm out, even though I'm a successful human being...I'm not healed. The medicine gave me tics that I still have trouble controlling. They didn't make my "ADD" better with the drugs; they made it WORSE--my memory recall is _fried_ and it's not getting better, I can't remember ANYTHING in order, anymore, and I have to write lists for myself just to keep up with normal everyday things that are habitual to most people (brush your teeth) that I used to have no trouble remembering to do as a child. I still have horrible nightmares about that school, and I have panic attacks in the middle of the night thinking that somehow, some way, I'm in BIG TROUBLE, and someone is MAD AT ME, because there's some RULE that I broke by accident somewhere or some little inconsistency that I let slip that will make someone think I'm lying to them and I'm going to be taken to task and punished for it in a humiliating way in front of everyone. I'm going to be made an example of. I'm going to be taught a lesson.

I have nothing but hatred for authoritative figures. I can't tolerate being treated like I'm an idiot, and I can't let other people teach me anything because I think that if I let slip even once that I'm not ALREADY an expert, I will be treated like a dummy, like I'm weak and slow for not knowing something I've never been taught, and that I'll be made to kiss the feet of the expert who's teaching me. I take every criticism about the job I'm doing as if it's meant to poke fun at me for being stupid. Because stupid is the only alternative to being perfect.

I have HUGE problems with people not seeing me the way I want to be seen. I hate it when I see women put in one corner and men in another. My experience has taught me the difference in the sexes is minimal, and subjective, and we are what we want to be, not what some psychologist thinks we are because he read it in another psychologist's book, who in turn just made something up and did a few tests with the purpose of validating the idea (I hate conventional psychology. I think it's a load of BS). I think people fit in the molds you put them in. I think the world would be a better, more caring, more diverse place if we could just stop drawing lines in the sand and start viewing interests and talents and looks and emotions as simple traits, rather than boy stuff girl stuff. Seriously. You are what you identify as. I am female. the fact I love cars, swear like a sailor and get angry instead of crying doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, or a tomboy, or trans or anything else. It's just the way I am, and I'm female, too, so deal with it. I hate people trying to define me by my gender stereotype. I want to be seen as strong and smart instead of just pretty or nice. I people to tell me I'm good AT things, not good FOR things.

I don't want to be a guy, I just want to be seen as myself. And, yes, female, kthx.

That's the extent of my gender issues--which is to say, _I_ have none. It's everyone _else_ who has the problem.

But the point, I guess, is my anger. I have so much. So many people got away with serious emotional abuse of children at that school, and I am _still_ hurting, _still_ messed up from it, I probably have permanent brain damage because of it, while they _got away with it._ They're still there, doing the same thing, right now, and I...don't have the money to stop it. Not that I haven't tried. I am one of two surviving graduates of my class (three of the five of us committed suicide). I have tried to reach out to the families of those people, to urge them to take action against the school, but no luck. Either they don't believe it's the school that was bad (so much effort went into convincing parents that their kids were the rotten ones), or they just don't want to deal with it, anymore. I understand, but I just can't bring anything against the school by myself. I wish I could. It's a horrible place, as rich and fat and fancy as it is.

Right now, I want to burn things down. I want to bash heads together, I want to smash people's jaws on the sidewalk. I won't do any of these things, but I want to. I've learned so much about respect, about what not to do, about how damage is done, and how bad it can be, when it's nothing but words and people exercising their authoritative power over people who have no ability to stop them. I want apologies. I want to spit in their faces and tell them, "too late."

I don't want money. I don't want a big deal. I want someone to answer for what they've done. I want them to tell a judge why they felt it was necessary to call me a liar and a sleeper and explain exactly what good that did. I want them to be told by THEIR authorities that they were wrong, and they don't get a second chance, and it's time to pay up; time for them to face their consequences under the law. I want them to kick and scream and complain and whine and I want them to know what it's like to not have anyone listen to your pleas. I want them to know what being institutionalized is like.

And...I want back what I couldn't have, what every child needs. I want parents who believed in me. I want someone to _fight_ for me, to be my advocate. I want to feel like people think I'm _worth_ fighting for. I want to be recognized and I want what I say to be BELIEVED, and to MATTER. I want to make someone proud.

I can't have those things, anymore, not like a child can have them. And I don't know what to do about that. It's something that was denied me in the crucial stages of my life when I needed the most support and acceptance and understanding, but instead received criticism and ridicule and punishment. My parents loved me, but they didn't know what to DO with me, and while I can't blame them, they didn't give me what I needed, and I still fight with my mother these days because of the distrust and hurt and bitterness that's caused.

And I'm still angry. I'm still so angry, and so hurt, and I feel so betrayed, and like I missed out on so much, and I don't know how to heal that. I don't know how to stop being angry and bitter and hateful and no, just letting it go isn't going to work. Just _suggesting_ that I need to "let it go" makes me SO FLIPPING ANGRY. No, way, does this deserve to be let go of. Because if I don't remember, if I'm not OUTRAGED, then who will be? I'm the only person who ever even tried to do something about it.

No one else wants to. No one wants go back there, because it SUCKED. Everyone else has left it behind. Not me. The damage hasn't gone away, and I won't stop being angry until it has, or it's answered for. At least, that's the way I feel, right now.

[Guest Leigh]

wow...long.

ok, i'm gonna be honest. didn't read the whole thing (i will i swear, i'm just tired)

but i totally agree about Ph.Ds trying to diagnose, etc, etc..

i mean, it almost feels like 90% of the goals of psychiatry are to get rid of all the people who are "different"

*sigh*

yeah. i'll be back in this topic later.

peace&love

leigh

[Guest LightNebula]

That school you went to is awful. It amazes me how a school like this could still operate in the U.S.A. 40 years after the Holocaust. I feel bad you had to go through a life like that--one where the adults who are supposed to "be there for you" weren't in a sense; they were, but they were making things worse, much worse. It's disgusting how they used God and their religion to justify their actions. I assume the school is/was a Christian/Catholic institution. Things done under the name of God should be loving and caring actions--not the things you went through because of that school; they're just another corrupt organization.

Your previous school(s), don't seem too close to being as bad as the one you graduated from, but they did a very bad job of "helping you"; they took it too far because of your lack of desire for socializing with other children and doing homework.

Sorry, I don't want to seem like a psychologist/therapist or anything like that, but in my opinion, I think it will be hard for you to feel better without revenge against those whom've done you wrong. I think the vast majority of the people on this forum don't like that word and the meaning behind it, even though I love it, so I'll rephrase it: I think, without justice, you won't feel too much better. It could be a lawsuit against the school, or even finding out where the employees at the school you interacted with are now, and asking them questions about why they treated you so badly. Sure, their answer will probably have something to do with it being their job which provides them with money, and maybe their "duty to God", but you could possibly find out some other things, or ask them other things. Maybe even seeing justice done to other bad people would help, too. I totally agree that this is something that you shouldn't just let go.

Your parents didn't do the right thing, but their intentions were good and they did and hopefully still do love you.

That's the extent of my gender issues--which is to say, _I_ have none. It's everyone _else_ who has the problem.

I agree that you don't have any, but I think a lot of stupid/ignorant people would insist that you do, since you vs. everyone else is very overwhelming--how could everyone else possibly be wrong?

Fortunately, the world gradually is becoming a better place...

[Guest Leigh]

ok. i'm back.

i just read up through the homework thing...i have to say, i can completely relate.

people just want to force everyone to be the same.

they want you to do the homework because they want you to.

it bothers them that you need a reason. it bothers them that you won't be another mindless sheep.

i know what you mean about meds too. i was medicated for the same thing. i had "ADD" because i wouldn't do my homework.

i read everything i'm supposed to. i know the answers, i talk in class (in the good way). i get good grades on the tests. i just don't do homework. but the meds never did anything for me either, except make me feel mindless, and make me tense.

just remember, we don't need their system to learn. we have other means. we can create something better for ourselves.

i'll be back to read more again later.

peace&love

leigh

[Guest Luna M]

That school you went to is awful. It amazes me how a school like this could still operate in the U.S.A. 40 years after the Holocaust. I feel bad you had to go through a life like that--one where the adults who are supposed to "be there for you" weren't in a sense; they were, but they were making things worse, much worse. It's disgusting how they used God and their religion to justify their actions. I assume the school is/was a Christian/Catholic institution. Things done under the name of God should be loving and caring actions--not the things you went through because of that school; they're just another corrupt organization.

Your previous school(s), don't seem too close to being as bad as the one you graduated from, but they did a very bad job of "helping you"; they took it too far because of your lack of desire for socializing with other children and doing homework.

Sorry, I don't want to seem like a psychologist/therapist or anything like that, but in my opinion, I think it will be hard for you to feel better without revenge against those whom've done you wrong. I think the vast majority of the people on this forum don't like that word and the meaning behind it, even though I love it, so I'll rephrase it: I think, without justice, you won't feel too much better. It could be a lawsuit against the school, or even finding out where the employees at the school you interacted with are now, and asking them questions about why they treated you so badly. Sure, their answer will probably have something to do with it being their job which provides them with money, and maybe their "duty to God", but you could possibly find out some other things, or ask them other things. Maybe even seeing justice done to other bad people would help, too. I totally agree that this is something that you shouldn't just let go.

Your parents didn't do the right thing, but their intentions were good and they did and hopefully still do love you.

I agree that you don't have any, but I think a lot of stupid/ignorant people would insist that you do, since you vs. everyone else is very overwhelming--how could everyone else possibly be wrong?

Fortunately, the world gradually is becoming a better place...

Thank you for replying. Your words mean a lot. I think it actually helps that, really, you just repeated back to me in summary all that I said, in a way that assures me you understood it. It feels good to be comprehended.

My parents love me, although my mom isn't too fond of Owen (SO, who they don't know is my SO). But they're not the type to cut me loose, I don't think. Although I have my issues with them occasionally, I think, compared to a lot of people, my relationship with them is pretty good. They annoy me frequently; they make me angry occasionally; but I love them and they make me happy more, so that's important.

I think I have come to the same conclusion about the school and not being able to feel better until something is done about it. I just don't know how. A lawsuit, win or lose, would bankrupt me, and I have been unable to communicate with the other families that were affected by it, so far. The people I do know who still talk to me either disagree that the school was criminally culpable or don't want to revisit that part of their lives; quite frankly, it's embarrassing to admit that someone ever had that much control over you, even as a child.

I've never tried to bring charges on/sue anyone. I think there is such an epidemic of petty lawsuits nowadays, and I don't want to clog the system further. But what happened to me doesn't feel petty...it still affects my life, and if I went to court over it, I'd be faced with it all over again. They'd call me a liar, again. They'd say my problems are my fault and all they ever did was try to help, and the fact I'm still "hung up" on certain things shows that I DO need help, that I'm NOT competent.

What I need to be able to show is that a competent, well-respected human being, when placed in the same circumstances, put through the same treatments, will very likely come out the other end an emotional basketcase. Seriously; is it reasonable to punish "bad" behavior by telling them to shut up, isolating them, and encouraging their peers to participate in that process? Is it reasonable to call a child vile names because you don't like the way they're acting? Is it reasonable to medicate and overmedicate a kid into submission because they won't do _homework_?

I could site a million different things that happened there, but I have almost no way to prove any of them happened. It would be my say-so against theirs. You can't prove that someone called you a "whiny b---" ten years ago. They can deny it, and then it's just a credibility battle. I have a documented "history" of "lying" in school (something that _no one else has ever complained of or had any reason to_ once I got out of that school). They can claim I'm making it up and look, there's a psychologist here from last decade that says I'm a pathological liar.

I'd have to get evidence to counter that. I'd need another psychologist to counter and say that I'm not a liar, I have a steady job with no record of complaints by admins or customers, I've never even so much as missed an payment on my power bill. I AM forgetful and can't remember things in order, and sometimes my memory gets confused and mashes two unrelated memories together, and sometimes I have a complete absence of memory about something--_because I was over-medicated and as a result, my short-term memory is completely shot_.

I'd need to prove that, and...I just don't have the money. I also just don't trust the psychs I'd need to see, and even if I did, I don't know how to go about finding them, or getting them to help me air out a very wealthy private school's dirty laundry. Without other people, I can't do it, and I don't know where to start.

And like I said...I don't want money. I don't want it all over the evening news. I just want the law to say I was right and they were wrong and they should be shut down, their credibility ruined, and the families of those kids who took their own lives should be compensated as best as possible, not that any compensation would ever be enough.

I want validation. I want to be the good guy, I want to be right. There is nothing about what that school put me through that I found helpful or supportive in teaching me to be a stable human being. I've had to get OVER it to succeed. At the very, very, very least, they conned my parents out of their life's savings. At the worst, they're a contributing factor in the suicides of at least three people, and my continued struggle with my ravaged short-term memory recall.

[Guest LightNebula]

You're welcome.

That's great you and your parents still love each other.

I've never tried to bring charges on/sue anyone. I think there is such an epidemic of petty lawsuits nowadays, and I don't want to clog the system further.

That's true.

Seriously; is it reasonable to punish "bad" behavior by telling them to shut up, isolating them, and encouraging their peers to participate in that process? Is it reasonable to call a child vile names because you don't like the way they're acting? Is it reasonable to medicate and overmedicate a kid into submission because they won't do _homework_?

Even though I almost totally doubt these aren't rhetorical questions, my answer to both of them is: "no, because it's mean and wrong."

It's kind of an awkward idea, but you could try finding out where the former employees at the school live now, buy a video camera if you don't have one already, go to where they live, and trick them into showing identification and admitting what they had done. You'd have to conceal the video camera in a bag, and maybe put clothes around it so if they ask to see what's in the bag, and leave a crack open in it, then you could maybe get away with it depending on what ensues.

Of course, there'd be much more to that, but that's just a general idea.

I hope this post makes you feel a bit better--like the other one.

[Guest Eth]

Hi there.

Honestly, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I feel the exact same way about following "orders" and "rules". I have issues following "commands" that have no logic backing them up. When people say "do this because it causes this" it simply makes sense. To command me to do something "because you say so" is basically like saying "I don't have a reason but I want you to do it for my own benefit".

I was never drugged, but I was forced to supress emotion. Both my step-dad, and my dad, think/thought that showing any emotion was just wrong and meant you had no self-control. The irony is that they never followed their own rule and I ended up being the only person in the family to have any control over my thoughts and emotions. But, as LightNebula said, how can you be right when everyone else thinks you're wrong? They're too blind to see the logic therefore it doesn't exist. You lose. Yeah... I understand that feeling entirely.

People are not only hypocritical, but they blame you for things that they do and you don't do. How does that make any sense?

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this and I hope that the school does get shut down and that at least some of their staff has to pay for what they did. Those 3 kids didn't commit suicide- they were murdered by these nutcases. Nobody should be driven to the point where they take their own lives simply because they didn't conform to extremely strict standards.

愛 Eth

[Guest 1charlotte1]

I view myself as smart, after reading this I associate with you. I feel the connection, however my lack of concentration has a direct association to being transsexual. I stopped taking the Ritalin because I pride myself in my creativity. Those drugs just stemmed it!

Agh! Tore their own teeth out? *shudder* couldn't quite handle reading that! Lol.

[Guest Luna M]

Hi there.

Honestly, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I feel the exact same way about following "orders" and "rules". I have issues following "commands" that have no logic backing them up. When people say "do this because it causes this" it simply makes sense. To command me to do something "because you say so" is basically like saying "I don't have a reason but I want you to do it for my own benefit".

I was never drugged, but I was forced to supress emotion. Both my step-dad, and my dad, think/thought that showing any emotion was just wrong and meant you had no self-control. The irony is that they never followed their own rule and I ended up being the only person in the family to have any control over my thoughts and emotions. But, as LightNebula said, how can you be right when everyone else thinks you're wrong? They're too blind to see the logic therefore it doesn't exist. You lose. Yeah... I understand that feeling entirely.

People are not only hypocritical, but they blame you for things that they do and you don't do. How does that make any sense?

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this and I hope that the school does get shut down and that at least some of their staff has to pay for what they did. Those 3 kids didn't commit suicide- they were murdered by these nutcases. Nobody should be driven to the point where they take their own lives simply because they didn't conform to extremely strict standards.

愛 Eth

Thanks; I don't understand people's penchant for making problems out of nothing. You'd think there's enough drama already to go around!