Born Female, Still Confused

[Guest rlc217]

(okay, this is kinda long... it's pretty much just persona history and can be easily skimmed over though. oh, and i've changed my first/middle/last name wherever it might come up for privacy's sake)

I often have the feeling that I don't quite “fit into” this world. My friends have heard me express this feeling a few times, and it's with me quite often. After thinking about the issue for a while, I finally realized that this not fitting into the world is probably because I don't feel like I fit into my “femaleness” in a society that sees gender-identity as the “core” or “base” of a person's identity. I think I would probably feel like I “fit in” to this world better if I were to take on a male identity, however I am still trying to figure out what exactly to do.

Throughout my life there have been things that I look back on and see that there have been “clues.” I'm just not sure which are “typical” behavior and which are sincerely “clues.”

Sometimes my sister and I would play a game that involved Rebecca, me, leaving the room and Michael, also me, coming into the room soon after. Michael wore boys clothes and wore a hat (Rebecca's hair under the hat). My sister and Michael would play for a while and maybe dance once in a while, but then Michael had to go and Rebecca came back.

In late elementary school I was an avid reader of Boys' Life magazine. I wanted to go to military school because it seemed intense and the ultimate “boy's thing.” At this time I would only shop in the boys' department at the store when my grandma or mom took us school shopping, except for underwear. While staying with my grandpa in West Virginia for part of the summer when I was that age I felt more at ease with the boys who lived nearby. We rode bikes a lot and played in the junk that was around my grandpa's garage. I built a shelf out of scrap wood, helped unload hay, and got calluses on my hands from being so active.

Throughout elementary school I had felt more at ease with the boys on the street I lived on, but in about fourth grade we started drifting apart as they became closer and less interested in having a girl playing games with them. When the neighbor kids would ride bikes and the boys would take their shirts off, I remember an envy, wanting to be able to do the same, but for some reason I wasn't allowed to.

Whenever we'd play a pretend game, like pretending to be Power Rangers for example, I don't ever remember being a girl character. I don't think I ever identified with any female characters on TV, in books, in movies, or in a video game. When I was older an watched The X-Files I felt like I identified more like Mulder than Scully. In Star Wars I idolized Obi-Wan Kenobi and would be him if we were pretending to play Star Wars. My favorite Halloween costume when I was a kid was when I dressed up as a mechanic in fourth grade with my dad's old work shirts and smeared makeup on to look like grease. In third grade we had to pick a famous person to dress up as on a day and have people try to guess who we were. I picked Harry Houdini because I thought he was an awesome person and didn't really think about the fact that I wasn't technically the right sex for that (and I remember that the majority of the girls were dressed as some female character, and all of the boys were males).

I didn't particularly like playing with Barbies or dolls. I have memories of playing with them once in a while, but I don't remember them being fun and I don't remember playing with them after I was about six or so. When I was ten or eleven for Christmas I got a toy that had basil wood, a small saw, and a tool set that let you cut up the mini basil wood and build things. It was one of my favorite toys. I got action figures as well. Some Christmases I got Polly Pocket toys or Pound Puppies, but I really could never get into playing with them because they seemed useless and not much fun. In fifth grade the teacher brought us gifts, wooden airplanes for the boys and a bead jewelry set for the girls. I traded my beads for a plane.

In sixth grade I got my hair cut really short. I got made fun of in school. In public places I would get called “young man” or “sir” and it didn't bother me except when I was around people who knew me and knew me as a girl. When I was in line for a roller coaster alone and a man pointed at me and said, “Look at him, look how nervous he is,” in a friendly way, and then, “Have you ridden this before?” I liked the male pronoun usage. However, it was embarrassing when I was in math class the same year and the substitute teacher wouldn't believe that my name was Rebecca (Him: “I'm not joking around, tell me your real name or we're going to the principal.” Me: “That is my real name! We can go to the office, they know my name there, or we can go next door and the teacher there knows me well.”). He had me halfway to the principal's office, me insisting the whole time, “Rebecca Lynn Smith, that's my name,” before he finally relented and took me back to the classroom. The next day he was a substitute in another class of mine and he apologized.

In first and second grade I wore dresses and skirts once in a while and didn't think much of it. I think it was about third grade that I decided that I was going to wear boys' clothes. I've only worn a dress or skirt a handful of times since then, and every time has been awkward. I don't feel right wearing a skirt or dress. I went to two dances in my time at high school, and each time while I put on a dress, and the one time my mom tried to do some basic makeup, I felt like I didn't belong in a dress, that I was pretending to be something I wasn't by being in a dress (drag?), and that it wasn't quite right. The same for typical girls' shirts, and to some extent pants (I can handle wearing some girl's pants that aren't extremely tight). I thought the feeling I got when wearing typically feminine clothes once in a while was just what it felt like to be a female, something that I was going to have to get used to and accept, but now I see that that's not the case.

I don't feel like I relate to most females in the same way that they relate to each other. At sleepovers I never wanted to participate in the makeovers and stuff like that which I thought was a waste of time and not fun at all. I didn't really want to talk about boys, even if I did have a crush on a boy. I didn't want to look at fashion magazines. I felt like I was on the outskirts of the conversations, I didn't have any interest in the things they were talking about. I still don't feel like I relate to females very well.

I don't have a regular menstrual cycle and I have small breasts. I've only had two periods so far this year, for example, and I've gone as long as nine or ten months without a period (and I started menstruating when I was 12, so I've been irregular for six years). I feel that if I did have a regular period and I had breasts that were actually noticeable or got in the way then I'd feel extremely uncomfortable with my body. But my breasts don't present much of a problem, and I don't have to worry about a period very often. My biggest problem with my physical body is my hips, I don't like the way my hips are shaped. But, as I've said, my breasts and menstruation aren't much of a problem to me . . . I think the lack of both has given me this chance to not have to deal with “being a female” in some senses and so I haven't had as much urgency towards gender issues, if that makes sense.

I recently got my hair buzzed after having it long for a few years. I don't really own any feminine clothing, I don't shave my legs or underarms, and people who don't know me well could easily be confused as to whether I'm a male or female. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is . . . is this a phase I'm going through (I doubt it)? Should I pursue this further? I'm just confused and could use some advice/input...

Thanks guys!

[Guest brandt]

hey there.

well that was pretty long. but it was worth the reading. i can probably relate to you with many things. and i come out as a ftm. some things are just simply clues of what you think you are. some are just some typical things. i dont know , but i guess when your a tomboy you're not into all that girly stuff. and a lot of girls are tomboys and then become really girly. and i know many girls that have gone thru that. but if you really feel that you relate more as a guy than a girl then so be it. but from what i read. they are basically some clues of you being more masculine than feminine. but i could be wrong. only you know who you are. are you just confused and having different feelings of your gender? do you feel like youre neither gender or in between? i think maybe just look back over again. and see what you feel then , you'll find that right feeling. confusion is a hard thing to deal with. you just need to get things in order and straight. well laterz dude .

[Zufrieden]

Hi RLC:

I instinctively like anyone with a question mark at the end of their gender. Welcome to the forums.

About your amenorrhea: Do you know exactly what's causing it? You don't have to tell us.

But if it's a mystery, it would definitely be important to figure it out. It could be a zillion things, anorexia, AIS, Kallman, Turner.

Some of the possibilities might give you insight to some of this gender identity stuff.

And if you're thinking of going somewhere hormonally you need to know the starting point.

Is it a phase? I don't think so. It sounds like you have had long term experience with these feelings

That doesn't mean specifically you have to pursue them. You might weigh the pros and cons and just

decide that there's not enough motivation to follow them or you may decide to pursue this to the end.

Do what makes you comfortable. Do what make you happy.

Z.

[Guest matthew41]

Hi,

Its ok not to be sure at this point. Have you considered talking with a gender therapist? He or she could help you understand your feelings and allow you to decide what it all means to you. Here is the link on Laura's playground for on-line and state listings of therapists;

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Talking to a therapist is the first step you need to take if you are considering transition. Reading others posts and responses here may give you insights into yourself, and help you recognize the "clues" you have in common with many of us.

Welcome to the forums, you are among friends,

Matt

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

Hey, another (possible) guy who shares my old name! Awesome to meet ya.

It does sound like you have masculine traits and tendencies. Though these could just be part of your personality, they could also be signs of gender dysphoria of some kind.

Going to a gender therapist, like Matthew said, would probably help to clear the air on a lot of these issues.

[Guest rlc217]

thanks to everyone for the responses thus far.

and i have no idea what's the cause of the menstrual problems, i've told doctors about it before and none of them seem concerned, and i don't have insurance right now to see anyone about it.

thanks for the link to the therapists. i think i'm going to start out seeing a counselor at my college sometime soon.

again, thanks!

[Zufrieden]

Hi RLC:

I've often thought that we should put a selection on the personal profile for insured/not insured!

It seems to me that that would tell us a lot about a person's situation.

For the record, I'm uninsured.

Seeing a counselor at your college is always a good idea. When I was there they were always free. I presume they still are.

Good luck,

Z.

[Guest Darrel]

Hey RLC!

You are SO lucky! I'm sure a lot of transmen would love to have smaller breasts and rare period. Heehee. Hmm, as far as I have read of your post, I concur with what has been stated before. You've had several occurances with this gender problem, and have enjoyed male pronouns. Keep in mind, however, that you may remember things distortedly due to wanting an answer. (For example, say you think you may be FtM, and therefore recall instances where you liked being called 'he', when maybe in reality you hadn't.)

Think it over and brew about it. Nobody can decide for you; you have to decide for yourself what feels right. It's hard, but when you've decided what makes you the happiest, it's well worth the pursuit. :3 Whatever you wish to be, welcome aboard!

[Guest rlc217]

Hey guys, once again, thanks for the responses.

Yeah, I had considered the idea that perhaps my memory of things are skewed like that just for wanting an answer, so I was slightly concerned about that . . . I'm not thinking that it's the case, but I still wonder . . .

And I've been to a counselor twice since my first post and it's going well . . . and I've since switched to a male name (actually, it's probably a unisex name) and to male pronouns, and I think (at least so far) that this is the right decision. It feels right. And it feels good.

[Flint]

Sorry couldn't manage t oread all that. But read little bits. About like sleepovers at friends houses and that. I once sleeping over at a 'friends' house. she was putting on make up....All my life 'friends' have tried to get me in make up and i alwasy refused sometimes even caused an argument because I relaly didn't want to wear make up it felt wrong. One night in a sleep over she was putting make up and i was just feeling a little uncomftable cause i knew it was gonna happen she was gonna start trying to get the make up on me! she did exactly that. I could walk back then but not very well icouldn't run. so i tried to move away from her when she started threatening me with some make up.....lol....but she though tshe was just joking around but i wasn't laughing and she managed to pin me down and cover my face in make up......i went straigt to the bathroom to wash it off but she was saying i should keep it on! and iwas like "No" but she ended up pretty much dragging me into the living room. saying "Your a girl you should start dressing and acting like one" i could've cried.....never slept over at hers again. lol. I forgotten why i was posting this now there was a reason behind sayin what i was saying..but.....my memory has gone (I have not got good memory) lol.

MB.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

If it feels good for you, do it. Whatever makes you happy is the way to go. (: