The Making Of Charlie/chaz

[Guest Thorndrop]

Like everyone else here, I have my own story to tell. Here it is.

Birth:

One September day in 1992, I was born. Apparently, my mum decided on a whim to name me 'Charlie' instead of 'Daisy' like she had previously planned. I can't express how thankful I am for those few seconds in which she changed her mind. Going through life with the name 'Daisy' is an unimaginable horror to me. Thankfully, I got lucky and got an androgynous name which I've always been proud to have.

Strangely enough, I don't have any clear memories until the age of around 8, so I'll begin with that.

Ages 8 - 10:

As a child, I was refered to as a 'tomboy' - a 'stage' which most people thought I would grow out of. I played with dolls occasionally, but I always wanted my younger brother's toy cars more. I'd love to do 'outdoorsy' things too, like ride my bike or climb trees.

By this age, I'd already been refusing for years to wear skirts, dresses, or anything pink or distinctly 'femenine'. Even at school, I refused to wear the girls' uniform of a dress, and instead wore a polo shirt and shorts or trousers like the boys did. The teachers thought I was strange but for the most part accepted it.

I wanted nothing more than to fit in with the boys in my classes. However, none of them wanted anything to do with me since 'girls are gross' and all that. So I was a loner. I became reclusive and shy and was never able to keep a friend for long.

Another major event that happened around this age was when my nan got breast cancer. I wasn't particularly close to her, but when I heard about the operation she had to remove her breasts, I couldn't think of much else but 'When I'm older, I want to have that operation too'.

Ages 11 - 12:

It was time for the first real change in my life. Living in England, I began my first year of high school aged almost 12. I felt more comfortable wearing my new school uniform of a suit (including trousers and a tie) than I ever did in a dress.

Within the first hour of arriving at the school, I met the boy who I would soon consider my first real friend. My best friend. In my first class (some sort of computer class) I was told by the teacher to go and sit by Joe, since she thought it would be a good idea for everyone to sit with someone of the opposite sex (because apparently, kids get distracted when sitting with friends, and friends can only be of the same sex at that age). Instead of being dissapointed that I couldn't go and sit by the makeup-wearing, femenine girls, Joe and I started talking and didn't stop. I sat by him in every class we were in together (most of them) and became good friends with some of the other guys he hung out with. For the first time I can remember, I felt like I belonged somewhere. Unfortunately, I also developed my first 'crush' on somebody. Even more unfortunately, that 'somebody' was Joe's older sister.

Good things don't last for long, do they? Just before I started high school, my mum bought me my first bra. I refused to wear it, until I realised that without it, people could see my chest through my school shirt. It was... depressing, to say the least. If I thought that was bad, I only had to wait another year for it to get worse. Aged 12, I started my period. Terrified, I ran downstairs to my mum, shouting that there was blood in my underwear and I thought I was going to die (it sounds funny now, when I look back). She explained what was happening, and I could do nothing but sob uncontrollably for about an hour. I felt disgusting.

Ages 13 - 14:

This was the age when I started realising that I was 'different'. I mean, I've always known I wasn't the same as the other girls, but until this sort of age, it had never bothered me and I never questioned why I was different. But as teenagers do, I began to question myself. I questioned my sexuality (did I really just see these girls as people I admired, or was there something more?) and my gender (why did I not like having breasts like the other girls did? Why did I hate having my period so much more than other girls did?). It was due to this that I sunk into a depression. I self-harmed for years and comfort ate to try to block out my thoughts. Needless to say, it didn't work. It only made me more depressed that by overeating I became 'curvy'.

The school noticed that I was upset a lot and sent me to the school nurse for something resembling therapy. I was excused from a lesson once a week to go and see her. At first, it felt good that I could just have a bit of time away from everyone else, but the novelty of it soon wore off after it became clear that her and I saw things differently. She thought my depression was because I felt unattractive and not 'hot' enough in the typically femenine sense. In reality, that was exactly what I wanted. I didn't want to be 'hot' and did everything in my power to avoid being seen as such by boys. I never shaved and I wore masculine clothes. After a while of no progress, I simply walked out of the room, never to see her again. I still don't know if it was the right decision, but at the time it felt right.

The girls around me at school were maturing and becoming interested in boys. And they were very interested in the reasons behind me hanging out with a crowd of all boys. Everywhere I went, I got girls asking me 'So which one of them are you dating?', much to my frustration. Even though I explained that we were just friends a million times, they wouldn't take no for an answer. Neither would the boys outside my group of friends. They were the sporty guys mostly. They did everything in their power to make me feel uncomfortable - including calling me names like 'babe', making 'kissy faces' at me, asking me out on dates as a joke and (the worst) physically grabbing me on my butt whenever I walked past. Unfortunately for me, this resulted in girls asking me why I didn't enjoy being treated like that. They told me I was a 'freak' and that any 'normal' girl enjoys male attention like that. I don't know if they were being serious or joking for the most part.

Of course, my friends weren't oblivious to this either. Sick of being subjected to the same questions I got asked daily, Joe seemed to think it a good idea to stop talking to me. And he did. With no explaination. One of our mutual friends just came up to me one day and said 'Joe's not speaking to you again' and even he didn't know why not. It was the worst feeling in the world - the first 'best friend' I ever had had just 'dumped' me over something pathetic. I thought a friend was supposed to support you through the good times and the bad. Apparently he wasn't a true friend. Needless to say, these years were the worst of my life.

Age 15 - 16:

Things had started to pick up for me. After a ridiculous amount hours of sitting alone, questioning myself, I began to come to terms with my true self. I knew that I liked girls and only girls. People had been suspiscious of this for a while after my reactions to the boys at school and the fact that I never dated, so I was hardly surprised when a rumour about me being gay developed. Instead of being offended like I was apparently supposed to be, I embraced it, admitting to my classmates that it was true. While the people mentioned above had a field day coming up with new insults, others just accepted it as a fact of life, and I began to feel more comfortable with myself.

It was at this age that I first came across the term 'androgyne'. I identified with it quite strongly, and was glad that I finally had a name to put on myself. Not that I advocate labels, but just the feeling that I wasn't a freak and that there were others out there like me was amazingly reassuring.

Finishing high school without my friends was a struggle, but somehow I coped better now that I knew who I was and got over my depression and self-harming. Now aware of the idea of androgyny, I strived to change myself to become my idea of perfection - to appear gender neutral. Actually, I'd say I'm probably more towards the masculine side of androgynous. I decided that the best course of action would be to get rid of my breasts, and since surgery's a pretty severe thing to do, I went on a diet. In little over a year, I lost 70lbs and went from overweight to underweight. Maybe there was some anorexic tendancy in that, I don't know. All I know is that I came out of it feeling more comfortable with my body than I ever had done before. My breasts had shrunk from a 36B to a 30A, which doesn't sound like much, but it's obvious to me at least. I've become a lot less curvy and don't feel so alien.

Clothing-wise, I wear both male and female clothing. I'd like to move towards mostly male clothing though, but it's been awkward so far since the only male clothing I have is my brother's old tshirts. He's actually younger than me, but slightly 'large' if you get what I mean by that.

So that's me. It's what's happened to date with myself and my identity. Feel free to ask me whatever, since I'll happily talk about this here as I can't in real life.

[Guest Roux]

Apparently, my mum decided on a whim to name me 'Charlie' instead of 'Daisy' like she had previously planned. I can't express how thankful I am for those few seconds in which she changed her mind. Going through life with the name 'Daisy' is an unimaginable horror to me. Thankfully, I got lucky and got an androgynous name which I've always been proud to have.

I'd be proud of it, too. You're really lucky!

Finishing high school without my friends was a struggle, but somehow I coped better now that I knew who I was and got over my depression and self-harming.

Doing all that without the support of your friends must have been incredibly difficult. You're obviously a really strong person.

I've become a lot less curvy and don't feel so alien.

\o/

Sounds like you're doing really well for yourself! Awesome.

[Carolyn Marie]

What's really important is for you to feel comfortable in your own skin, whatever shape and

appearance that skin has. If you like you, then how the rest of the world feels about

you is a lot less important. There is a lot of pressure, particularly at your age, to conform

and do what's expected of you and feel a certain way, about relationships, lifestyles , school, etc.

If you're cool with that then great. If not, you need to establish your own identity, one that you're

comfortable with. You shouldn't be made to feel that not going along with everyone else somewhow

makes you wrong. Being different is not a crime, not here and not (that I know of) in England.

Strive to be healthy in your mind and your body. As long as you're healthy and reasonably

happy, you're in a good place.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Mr.Yoav]

Hey, this is a little late, I hope you don't mind.

I can indentify strongly with the "loner" type. I was never sure if I should hang with the girls like everyone told me to, or to hang with the guys like I wanted to.

That's the reason I still have pretty much no friends, and I am honestly okay with that. People are awfully cruel to one another. I don't like it.

I've never willingly shaved before either.

And you're soooo lucky to have a name like Charlie instead of my name. never forget that!