Hello, I Am New

[Guest Rain]

I accidentally found this site one way or another. I am 20 years old and I am confused out of my mind. I grew up in a religious home and I went to church ever since I was little. I was always taught that how I feel right now is wrong. I was born biologically male, but I am feminine in many ways physically and mentally. I almost feel like I was supposed to be female its just a few genes are out of place if that makes sense. I remember vaguely when I was a younger I used to wear a purple dress that was my sisters play dress. My parents would get so angry and the funny thing was I would also do it when they had company. I have always been very sensitive and in touch with my feelings, and I know my dad thinks I am a big cry baby. He always acts like men are not supposed to cry and have feelings. I even dress like a women from time to time and wish I really was. I have had plenty of girlfriends and I currently have one now. I really care about her, but I if told her how I feel, I do not know what would happen. As far as telling my parents, I know for a fact my dad would beat me. The way I have dealt with it the last 6 years of my life, because of all the pain I felt on the inside I started lifting weights. I thought maybe if I was strong on the outside, I would feel better inside(I was wrong). I think I did it to get my dad to think I was a real man even though I may or may not have been contradicting myself. Now when I look in the mirror and see my masculine muscular body, I feel sick to the stomach. I really do not know what my problem is, I feel like I am at war with myself constantly(a walking contradiction if you will). The only thing that has probably kept me alive and sane is playing my guitar, writing music, and listening to rock. Whenever I play my guitar, I feel unstoppable. It does not matter what I am when I play, the guitar talks for me. O well I just wanted to say hi and give you a little background, so here I am.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome Rain!!

Yea!!! A rocker!!! A guitar player!!!

We have so much in common!!!

I know exactlly what you mean when your are playing, you are unstoppable. Like you, I do what my guitar (Priscilla) tells me to do.

You are in the right place!!

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest gwenthlian]

welcome to the site hope you like it here and find some answers to your questions

[Sally]

Rain,

All I can say is hello to my long lost sister, I play trumpet instead of guitar but I know that feeling that the only time anythingis right in the world is when I am playing and then nothing else matters.

Take your time and look all around and see if things don't seem a little clearee - have some of these virtual cookies and enjoy your time here far away from anyone who will judge you or beat you and we will certainly never leave you.

Welcome to our family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest NeverSayNever]

Hello

Welcome to the family. I hope you find what you are looking for here.

- James

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Rain.....

Yep, another guitar player...45 years!

It has always taken me away...I found peace and solace...

But, I do understand as do so many here...

So, welcome to the Playground...It is very nice to have you here....

Maybe by reading and talking to others here you can find a better understanding of where you are in this whole thing!

Relax and be Happy.....OK?

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest rachael1]

Hello Rain,

Welcome to Laura's playground.

Rachael

[Guest Evan_J]

You definately are in the right place. You'll find "yourself" reflected a million times here (stories remarkably like what you describe) and hopefully a sense of being "okay" instead of "wrong" or something "that should not be". I hope you enjoy the forum. Feel free to browse the resources. And ask questions. See you around.

Evan

[Guest mynw]

Hi Rain you are welcome honey,,

your friends here,and this site are right place

will making you feel better,and leave all that contradiction inside you

from past.

hope for you sweet all best,,

Don't hesitate to ask help, you are in critical moment at your life,,

and our duty to give,,

Asking anything about that case,you will find help as any one can to give,,

love ya

Your sister

Bul...

[Guest Rain]

I am thankful there are people like out there, what I mean by that is, people who really care about others. Thanks for making me feel so welcome, I really appreciate it.

-Rain

[Guest gentleman1]

Hi and WELCOME!!!

I like the name. I happen to love rain. We don't get much of it here in the desert, lol. It wouldn't be the desert if we did! Ok, I'm done being the "funny man".

I really can relate to some of the things you have posted. It took me until the age of 37 to come out TO MYSELF because of religious convictions. I was truly afraid to admit to myself that I even liked women (for a partner) let alone FTM, that God would smite me down or at least make my life hell on earth before I officially burned, so great would be His anger toward me for "turning against Him". This has kept me living as a heterosexual female married 5 times!!!!........all those wasted years. I have sloooowwwllllly come to discover that God isn't angry with me at all!!! I am in transition and doing much better now. So, I want you to know that there is hope and better things ahead as long as you are kind to yourself (even when others are not), and KNOW that God loves you.....knew who you were before you were born........and patient of course. I wish you well and look foward to seeing you around these parts. God bless!! - S.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome, Rain. You've stumbled on a wonderful place full of friendly, helpful people who (you've already

seen) have a lot in common with you.

Make yourself at home, look around, and know you are among friends.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Rain

Welcome to the playground.

Jean Davis