I'm Kind Of Back, I Guess

[Guest Leigh]

so.....

i know there are probably a lot of new people here since i've been on regularly... hi new people, sorry i didn't get to greet you.

uh.. but those of you who know me/read my topics... might remember that i left last month because there has been a lot of family stress, due to the death of my mom's sister.

so basically, everything is getting worse. another one of my mom's sisters has been diagnosed with cancer (we're pretty sure she's gonna be ok, but its still stressful...) AND my mom's mother has been diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancer...granted she is in her mid 80s, so declining health isn't unexpected...

but it just seems like 'it never rains but it pours' you know....

it makes me feel a bit guilty for saying that i couldn't transition while these people are living..since now they are all losing their health rapidly...

i still feel grateful that i have made it to the age of 20 without losing any close family even if it seems as though they are all slipping away now.

i'm just very concerned for my mum...

also. my little sister, who you may have seen me complain about before..is continually getting worse at communication no matter how i try to improve it... i can't blame her completely though. we've had a rocky relationship our whole lives, and i have to admit that i bullied her terribly when i was younger, not to mention other problems that she has had to endure that i can barely conceptualize having to live with...

i just need some positive energy coming my way....

i guess i'll try to finish this up quick.. so, other things:

job in california fell through, so i don't know how/when i can move & am seriously considering saving some money and living in a car with a friend and just traveling around the country...

i made some friends, but the are first my sisters friends, so...well, it means that even when we fight (we do it all too often for people our age) they always have to choose her side...even though at this age they shouldn't have to choose a side......and i had come out to those friends, and they were some of the few who were supportive of me.. now i'm feeling like i can't talk to them....*sigh*

i'm down to one job, and i could be getting as much as 30hrs a week..but my parents are still pushing me to get another job.. which i kind of want anyway..i just hate having to compete with the students (oh yeah, i live in a college town, did you know? they're all back now....)

oh, one last thing (sorry, this is ridiculously long..) my sisters best friend just moved back to ohio like 2 days ago, and last night he and i were talking about his life, and he told me that he feels like a woman, but he can't take any steps like i'm planning...and that he has 2 trans sisters (ftm) and an older brother who feels the same as him, but just identifies as gay... so it just makes me believe even more that this is genetic, and maybe influenced in how it externalizes by environment... i am just trying to give him resources at this point, because i know he is one of those people who is apt to let himself suffer needlessly, but i can't push him to make any choices... so.. yeah, resources. as many as i can give him, i'm trying.. though it isn't helping that my sister feels that i'm trying to steal her best friend and literally yells at me when i want to talk to him..............

thanks for reading if you made it this far (and even if you didn't..lol...)

that's all for now..

peace&love

leigh

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi my dear Leigh,

I am glad to hear from you again. I am sorry to hear about your aunts and your grandmother. It seems that we all have to go through periods like these. I too have had many family members pass way within months of each other. I had two uncles pass away on the same day.

Sweetheart, I know that times are really tough for you, but hon, this too shall pass.

The living in the car idea sounds romantic, but unrealistic hon. Out of love, I say this... don't live in a car, very dangerous!

Try to keep in mind that everything changes. There WILL be brighter days ahead! I promise you that!!

I think that it is wonderful that you are trying to help your friends by giving them resources to help them it their trans issues. Very thoughtful of you Leigh.

Please do post when you can.

We all love you.

I love you

Brenda

[Guest Javey]

Hey, Welcome back!

I had a similiar situation with my best friend. He introduced me to his (at the time) major crush and we started making friends. There wasn't any fighting or anything, but he said he felt like i was stealing her. I let him know I had no such intention and I wouldn't do that to him, and we worked it out. Became a circle. But then again we've pretty much always had the same friends so it wasn't all that big of a deal. Maybe your sister should learn to share? She seems to be expecting the worst out of you.

As for living in a car, that sucks. I've done that. Not fun. We weren't traveling everywhere and it was under different circumstances with other horrible things going on with my father, but yeah. It was lame.

Glad to see your back! I'll send positive energy your way.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome back, Leigh. I do wish your circumstances were better, but at least you still have a great

attitude, and that counts for a lot. Rather than living in a car, why don't you try local GLBT support

centers - they may have some facilities or places to refer you to. Anything has to be better

than a car. Maybe some of our members can take you in for a short time.

I wish you the best of luck, Honey. Post as often as you can. We do care.

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

Leigh,

I am so glad that you are back.

I am sorry that so much has been going on, it has to be rough but now you are back here among friends and a lot of new friends to be made.

Remember when ever you need to I am available in the PMs and when you just want to try to imagine Woodstock - there is always Dee Jay!

I love you and will do anything I can to help but you already know that.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Glad you dropped in and shared. My heart goes out to you and your fam while you go through the illness flooding.

It'll be ok. Just know we're here and listen and whenever you come in we know who you are

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hi, Honey......

I've missed you a lot, but I've understood what has been going on with you....I'm so sorry.

You know that every time your name would show up as being on here ...I would send you a HUGG on PM just to let you know that I was with you....

You know that you can PM me anytime that you want to just talk or get a hugg.....

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome back. I'm happy to see you're back, sad to hear about your problems. We are all here to support you as best as we can - even if all we can do is put our thoughts out to you.

[Guest LightNebula]

Welcome back. Sorry all those things happened. Life is hard... I hope things will get better for you.

[Guest *Elizabeth Anne*]

Leigh

You know you are one of the best posters here at Laura's so when you left - we had a huge hole here. I am so sorry about your life problems right now - keep us posted!

Love you

Lizzy

[Guest Leigh]

thanks everyone. i will keep you updated with what's going on and try not to be gone for so long...

much love to you all.

peace&love

leigh