Hi - I'm New To The Forum!

[Guest janey]

Hi, everyone. I'm please to join this forum and talk with people who "get" me.

I'm a 46-year-old woman who's very androgynous, perhaps a FTM, and all my life I've had trouble fitting in. Most of the time I feel like I'm from another planet. I live in a southern state, in a university town, and when I look at all the college girls I definitely feel that I'm of a different species.

I've always felt masculine and would love to have a male body. However, I've thought about surgery and feel it isn't right for me. Apart from the prohibitive cost and the sheer physical trauma of major surgery, I feel I'd only be trading one set of problems for another. When I was younger I tried to twist my normal, healthy, functioning male mentality into something it wasn't. Now that I've accepted my brain, I don't want to take my normal, healthy, functioning female body and make it something it isn't. I guess that means, not only have I accepted my body, but I actually like it and feel protective about it. Thus, I'm now trying to figure how to reconcile my female body with my male brain.

I've always had warring dualities inside me; for instance, my English, stiff-upper-lip heritage is usually battling with my passionate Italian heritage - I want to sit back and listen but I also want to take center stage. A therapist once told me to think of these aspects as colors on a color wheel. These dualities lie on opposite side of the wheel and are thus complementary colors: mixing them would only produce gray (a color I find dull and lifeless), but allowing them to stand side by side can produce a brilliant, vibrant effect. I found the analogy positive and helpful, and now I think I should simply consider my male mind/female body the same way. I could certainly be happy this way living in a vacuum, or living in a world populated with just us, but I live in the South where people have very narrow ideas.

If any of you is going through/has gone through what I've just described, I'd love to hear from you. And of course, I welcome everyone's thoughts and comments

Thanks!

Janey

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Well Hello Janey and Welcome!!

Yes you are right!! We are of like mind and soul. We do get you!!

Just come right on in and know that you are with us!! Soon others will come by and say hello too.

In the meantime, just sit and relax. I have just made a batch of chicken wings. Hey want a cold one? Here catch!

Love

Brenda

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Janey....

Wonderful to meet you.....

How about a slice of pizza and a cold drink while we get you all settled in?

As I read your intro....I was struck by the "Color wheel" analogy....that's very interesting....

And I can totally see it that way....

Well, don't you worry, Honey....there are a lot of wonderful people here to talk to and share with and lots and lots to read and do...

So, just get comfy and some of the others will be right by to say "Hi!" too!

It's so very nice to have you here!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

I smell pizza!

Thatcan only mean that we have a new member, there you are!

I see the post says that your name is janey, oh don't get up - those chairs are far to comfortable, once I sit doen I'm sound asleep.

I enjoyed the color wheel analogy as well.

I am glad that you have decided to join us, welcome to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Hi, everyone. I'm please to join this forum and talk with people who "get" me.

I'm a 46-year-old woman who's very androgynous, perhaps a FTM, and all my life I've had trouble fitting in. Most of the time I feel like I'm from another planet. I live in a southern state, in a university town, and when I look at all the college girls I definitely feel that I'm of a different species.

I've always felt masculine and would love to have a male body. However, I've thought about surgery and feel it isn't right for me. Apart from the prohibitive cost and the sheer physical trauma of major surgery, I feel I'd only be trading one set of problems for another. When I was younger I tried to twist my normal, healthy, functioning male mentality into something it wasn't. Now that I've accepted my brain, I don't want to take my normal, healthy, functioning female body and make it something it isn't. I guess that means, not only have I accepted my body, but I actually like it and feel protective about it. Thus, I'm now trying to figure how to reconcile my female body with my male brain.

I've always had warring dualities inside me; for instance, my English, stiff-upper-lip heritage is usually battling with my passionate Italian heritage - I want to sit back and listen but I also want to take center stage. A therapist once told me to think of these aspects as colors on a color wheel. These dualities lie on opposite side of the wheel and are thus complementary colors: mixing them would only produce gray (a color I find dull and lifeless), but allowing them to stand side by side can produce a brilliant, vibrant effect. I found the analogy positive and helpful, and now I think I should simply consider my male mind/female body the same way. I could certainly be happy this way living in a vacuum, or living in a world populated with just us, but I live in the South where people have very narrow ideas.

If any of you is going through/has gone through what I've just described, I'd love to hear from you. And of course, I welcome everyone's thoughts and comments

Thanks!

Janey

You sound like you are in an awesome place mentally ! Congratulations. Focusing on your statement about "people have very narrow ideas" I guess my question is what aspect of youself it is you think needs assistance? Figuring out a way that both is comfortable to you and not going to cause problems to dress/present? Or is it actually an orientation based issue you're struggling with and think its a gender one? Cuz you sound like you have a good deal of the gender stuff sorted. People live everyday having "a male brain" and a female body. I knowingly did it for over 15 years. Some people do it and have no need to even present male (appearance and mannerisms). If you need that though then yes (cuz I was in this group) it likely will "cause problems". And thats just a reality because of location. Where I live it was "problematic" . When people are young, a lot of things get written off as "youth and fad". Once we get to about age 30 though people start "looking". Judgements. Comments. Deciding you are no longer "right" for employment.

I'm 41 by the way. So if ever want to talk privately about somethin pm me, I have no "excluded" list of peeps on my pm box and have in past "lived male" (appearance, how I interact with people, how I see myself and asked my partner(s) to see me) prior to going into transition.

I do admit, the last year has been "a relief" for me because I needed to see the body changes. I needed the surgeries also But I know PLENTY of people who don't want to do that. They site the same stuff you did. Not wanting to go through the physical costs in pain and recovering and the cost. Some of them don't "feel they should have to" . Another valid reason.

In any case, its why I ask what it is exactly you're afraid of. And what you want to "know how to accomplish"

Hope to see you around

E

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Janey and welcome to Laura's. I see you've already met some of my favorite people here,

and they're doing their best to ply you with pizza and chicken wings. Its a good thing virtual

food only has virtual calories. lol (smells good though).

There are many here who share your thoughts and have similar experiences. Check out

the forums and see for yourself. You will be pleasantly surprised, I'm sure.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Janey

Ohh chicken wing, Thanks Brenda

Welcome to the playground. So nice to meet you.

I'm sure you'll make a lot of new friends, the people here are just fantastic.

Hope to here from you soon.

LUV

Jean

[Guest janey]

Thanks for the warm welcome, as well as the chicken wings and pizza! Anyone got any Diet coke?

I'm new to forums, so here's hoping I don't make any faux pas. I'm also a bit new to the terminology, too, so if I use a term wrong, please let me know.

You all have made me smile!

Janey

[Guest janey]

It's Janey again...

...and the major issue for me is that I'm attracted to guys, but guys just aren't attracted to me. I feel like one of the toys from the Island of Misfit Toys (from Rudoph the Red-Nosed Reindeer): nobody wants a train with square wheels, nobody wants a "Charlie-in-the-Box." This has caused me so much heartache and grief...I've never tried to commit suicide, and I certainly don't intend to do it, but there may come a day - way down the road - when I just can't take the pain and despair anymore.

I ran across the terms androphilia and gynophilia - as you all probably already know, being androphliiac (which is how I've come to describe myself) means you're attracted to men and/or masculinity, but the term says nothing about your own gender or sexual identity. I like using this term rather than describing myself as a gay man in a woman's body, because I find both men - whether straight or gay - both physically and mentally attractive. If I could really be a man - just magically be plopped down into a man's body with properly working parts - I'd do it, and go ahead and live as a gay man. But as I said, I don't think surgery would be right for me. Which means I'm in a limbo: I'm neither fish nor fowl (no puns intended), and can't seem to find my place anywhere. I'd like to find a guy who isn't put off or frightened by a masculine woman and who is equally unafraid of his own femininity. A couple of years ago I met a gay man who found me attractive, and I felt genuinely comfortable both mentally and physically around him. Unfortunately, because of circumstances, we couldn't be a couple. He was in my life and then gone, and I felt even worse then, because I'd gotten a taste of total acceptance both within my self and from someone else, and now I feel I'll never find it again.

I do so wish that the world didn't think in terms of binary but instead let everyone exist on the spectrum where they were the most comfortable, and then we could simply describe ourselves as andro- or gynophiliac - or both or neither as the case might be.

Janey

[Guest janey]

I made a stupid typo and signed my name "Jamey" instead of "Janey" which is correct.

[Guest janey]

Evan,

How do I pm you (I'm so new to all this)? I think your experience and insight could go a long way to helping me figure out my own stuff. My second post was about my "issue," and I wanted to post it to just you, but I also figured other people might be asking the same question and could benefit from a public posting.

Janey

[Guest *Elizabeth Anne*]

Hi, everyone. I'm please to join this forum and talk with people who "get" me.

I'm a 46-year-old woman who's very androgynous, perhaps a FTM, and all my life I've had trouble fitting in. Most of the time I feel like I'm from another planet. I live in a southern state, in a university town, and when I look at all the college girls I definitely feel that I'm of a different species.

I've always felt masculine and would love to have a male body. However, I've thought about surgery and feel it isn't right for me. Apart from the prohibitive cost and the sheer physical trauma of major surgery, I feel I'd only be trading one set of problems for another. When I was younger I tried to twist my normal, healthy, functioning male mentality into something it wasn't. Now that I've accepted my brain, I don't want to take my normal, healthy, functioning female body and make it something it isn't. I guess that means, not only have I accepted my body, but I actually like it and feel protective about it. Thus, I'm now trying to figure how to reconcile my female body with my male brain.

I've always had warring dualities inside me; for instance, my English, stiff-upper-lip heritage is usually battling with my passionate Italian heritage - I want to sit back and listen but I also want to take center stage. A therapist once told me to think of these aspects as colors on a color wheel. These dualities lie on opposite side of the wheel and are thus complementary colors: mixing them would only produce gray (a color I find dull and lifeless), but allowing them to stand side by side can produce a brilliant, vibrant effect. I found the analogy positive and helpful, and now I think I should simply consider my male mind/female body the same way. I could certainly be happy this way living in a vacuum, or living in a world populated with just us, but I live in the South where people have very narrow ideas.

If any of you is going through/has gone through what I've just described, I'd love to hear from you. And of course, I welcome everyone's thoughts and comments

Thanks!

Janey

I DOUBT you live any farther SOUTH than I do - New Orleans - unless you are in thMiami or lower Texas!

And a girl in a male body (me) and a guy in female body (you) how'd that happen? I have a first cousin - she is five years younger and FTM - darn it - I kept trying to get her to trade when I was a kid - never could figure it out! She's 57 now - yikes!

Oh well - you like the female body enough to keep her around - so perhaps you can make it work. I never hated my male body that much - but I am willing to modify it a bit. Surgery is just one of the options.

So glad you are posting - there is a huge diversity of people here. You are NOT ALONE! That's worth a lot, I think, knowing that. And side-by-side? That's not such a bad thing...

Lizzy

OH - you need five posts or more to be eligable to PM. It will add to your options automatically.

[Guest janey]

Yeah, I use to hate this body, and my privates use to disgust me. But that's starting to change, which is nice, because I think one's body should be an ally, not an enemy.

Living in the south is probably half of my problem - I might find life easier on the west coast - but moving is not an option.

I don't know what New Orleans is like, but Georgia is NOT a hotbed of tolerance and acceptance.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I don't know what New Orleans is like, but Georgia is NOT a hotbed of tolerance and acceptance.

I know how you feel, Hon......

I live in Ohio and it's the same way....

Just like Georgia with an "O" on each end!

HUGG!

Donna Jean