I Could Really Use Some Support

[Guest Martin]

Mods - I'm not sure if this belongs here, in the self-injury forum, in the depression forum, or in the surgery forum. If any of you can figure out where it really does belong, feel free to move it there.

Way too much is going on in my life. Way, way, way too much. I'm not sure how to handle it all.

Two weeks ago, I had a scrotoplasty with testicular expanders and a mons resection. It was by far the most painful operation I've had, and I'm still bleeding from it. I'm terrified of starting the expansion process because even the surgeon (Dr. Meltzer - a guy who knows his stuff) missed the port when he showed me and it HURT so badly to have the saline injected into the tissue. The swelling has gone down some, so it's at least not painful to prod and look for the ports (I wanted to cry when he did that) but I can't find them. I don't need to start right now, but what if I don't find them? He said he could talk my family doc through it and she could show me, but I have had bad experiences showing my surgery sites to non-trans specialists so I'm a bit leery of that. I'm worried about the wounds. What if I don't heal right? What will my final results even look like? Is this even the right decision? Is it better to just feel the pain/discomfort that I'm still feeling or better to take Ibuprofen for longer than the bottle recommends? I'm a worrier and my anxiety disorders don't make things any easier. I have to talk myself down several times a day. If my college would at least GIVE ME THE PHONE SERVICE I PAID FOR I could call the nurses more and they could talk me down. They're usually better at it anyway. However, minutes on my cell phone are far too expensive (it's 25 cents a minute) to call if I rationally know it's going to me okay. I just do feel safe without being able to call them easily - and I'm not sure they have my cell phone number, so they can't call me and check up on me. And I still have one more surgery to go.

So the reason I don't have phone service (besides the fact that my college apparently has MAJOR issues getting their act together) is that I just moved back to my college apartment from my parents' place. There was a lot of stuff to move. People helped me, which is good because I wasn't allowed to pick up anything heavier that 10 lbs, but it still stressed me out. Classes started Monday and I have an insane amount of reading to do this semester, more than I ever had before, because I have 3.5 English classes at the same time, 2.5 of which are literature classes. The other one is theory which also has a huge book but it's a more complicated book than literature ones. Plus a few other classes. It was really hard to register for my classes because there was a hold on my account because my mom didn't follow through on what she said she was going to do and the college didn't make things easier on her.

Since I moved, I won't be seeing the therapist I was seeing over the summer. I could go back to my old therapists, but I've been frustrated with them from pretty much the first time I saw them and I don't think they'd help me any. I'm also not going to support groups because of scheduling conflicts (for one of them) and because I don't have the time to do the work in-between sessions (for the other one). I really want to work on my various mental illnesses, but I don't know how. I'm still taking my meds, but they only help so much.

So I'm crashing. I'm more depressed and more anxious, which makes it really hard to get school work done so I'm already behind and so I'm terrified I won't graduate. And if I can't handle school, how can I handle a job? And who am I supposed to talk to about this? Off and on I've thought about suicide or cutting, but I don't want to do that, I want to live and be happy, I just have no idea how to do that and I feel like I can't handle life.

On top of that, my service dog is sick. He went to the vet today and he'll probably be fine in a few days, but I don't know and I was so worried about him and he kept waking me up in the middle of the night so I'm tired and sleep-deprivation always makes my depression worse.

My stomach has also been upset, though it's sorting it's self out now.

I had to drop one of my majors (I was two requirements shy of it) because of my wrists are acting up again and I simply can't play flute with a straight head joint without injuring myself. I've wanted to play flute since I was 5 (or maybe younger) and now I don't know if I can ever play again. My wrists are actually hurting today and that's just from keyboard use and anxiety/tension. I'd better pass those English classes, or it's no degree for me. Not that an English major with a music minor means much in terms of getting a job. Speaking of which, I have NO idea what I'm going to do in May. I don't know what country I'm going to live in, what kind of job I should be looking into, how to find/keep a support system through that, anything.

I need a new greencard and they say I still owe them money so they won't send me one but I sent them the money they asked for so I don't know how much more money I need or what to do.

Oh, and my college internet access isn't working right and I can't figure out why and I'm not physically capable of carrying my computer to computer services right now.

And now it's bedtime but I'm too anxious to sleep. I should be doing my homework for my 9:30 class but the anxiety and the depression are making it really hard to do that either. I don't want to deal with school right now. I really, really don't. I don't think I can. But I have to. Its just one more year. I was going to go to grad school, but there's no way I could handle it...

So yeah, that's what's going on. If anyone has wise words or magic wands or hugs, I'd sure appreciate them.

[Guest *Elizabeth Anne*]

HUG HUG HUG

HUG

{{{{{{{{{{{HUG MUSHY STUFF HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

HUG HUG HUG

Maybe that will help a little!

YIKES!

Lizzy

[Guest Martin]

Thank you

[Guest *Elizabeth Anne*]

Thank you

HEY - you are on!

HUG again!

hee hee

Lizzy

[Guest Evan_J]

Dude, with all the stuff you listed , you not only need one hug, you need a hug from every girl I've ever known to compile and work on how you're feeling. WOW.

You're fine having put this just where you put it Actually, since I'm of the worry-anxiety variety myself I can understand you on that. I know you're also going through a whole lot emotionally/physically/ and mentally right now having heard it from you directly. I definately think you did good to bring it here, but I also would like there to be someone there (ideally that doctor?) who you could at least address the medical worries with. I think if you could feel reassured about the physical components it would assauge a lot. I know that's how I was when I was freaking out about my grafts. It was that I wanted someone to tell me "yes, this, this, and this will be alright". A wise man once told me (it was Ainsley ) that its normal to get extra emotional following a surgery. ANY surgery, not just trans ones. And if you think about it that makes sense. Your body's been through a lot (dude, you been cut severely, twice in three months time) your mind (the worry and mental prep, and even stressing over whether or not you're wearin your caregiver down, I know I worried about mine)and your emotions (you named it, wondering if you've made the right choices, wondering if those choices are going to play out as you've prayed). Give yourself a break Martin. Exhale! Quit spinnin yourself into a mental and emotional hole. Its counterproductive. Both mentally and emotionally AND physically (you drain your recovery abilities doin that). Talk to that doc. Or if you just can't, find one who's familiar with trans health and call or email him. Maybe just asking the questions will ease your mind.

As for the other 9999 things.....bro, you CANNOT deal with all those things at one time in your mind. I know they're all HAPPENING at once, but you can't think that you can sit down and stand back up holding a solution. It isn't going to happen. In fact (and this is likely going to go directly against your anxiety-need to control things nature if you're anything like me) the way you actually make it through this much stuff is "keep your head down and keep moving" . That means you don't try to deal with any of these things "in advance" . You take em only as they come up and when you're done with what IMMEDIATELY needs to happen with a given thing ? let it go and move on to whatever is going on next. You have to be willing to not think about a thing when its not happening.

Scary eh?

Only cuz you're a control freak

It works. You just have to let go every so often

That's what I advise.

Oh, and quit beatin people up while you do it

[Guest Jackson]

The one piece of advice I can add to is: don't worry about what it says on the ibuprofen bottle. You can take it for long periods of time. They put those time warnings on the bottle because if you're needing it for longer, you really should be under the care of a doctor. Which you are. Just be sure that you take the ibuprofen with food. It can upset the stomach.