Of Names And Pronouns

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

There comes a time as we transition where the use of the old name an pronouns be comes abhorrent to us. It is simply because we nolonger see ourselves as that person, or as that gender. For someone who knows us to come up to us and us the old name does severalthings:

• It outs us to the world (something that can be hazardous to our health)
  
• It shows a lack of respect, and acceptance on that person's part
  

To be outed by someone, who didn't have our permission to do so, is not only rude but dangerous. I sware there are those who refuse to accept our us just so they can watch us squirm when they out us. I know of one cisgenedered young woman who refused to accept the transition of her step father; they happened to both work at the same place. This young woman kept using the wrong name and pronouns to customers and confusing them because by that time her stepfather was presenting female 98% of the time. You can imagine the looks on the faces of customers when she pointed to him, they customer turned and saw a woman sitting there. I know that in public her stepfather ignored it but I am sure there were words said in private.

I realize that in the early days of transition there are going to be times that people get it wrong, and that is simply becuase of prior usage. However as the days, weeks, months and years tick by those kind of errors should become less and less. For someone to insist on using the wrong name and pronouns several months, or years into another person's transition then that person is being rude and inconsiderate. Many Cisgendered people dont know of the danger they put us in by accidentally, or intentionally outing us; there are still areas where a Transperson can be severely beaten if not killed just because they are trans.

There was a saying in the second war, "Loose lips sink ships" well in a way that still applies but in a vastly different way. People who out us risk having us severly injured, hate crimes and antidiscrimination laws not withstanding. Despite my states fairly strong antidiscrimination and hate crimes laws transpeople are still killed on the streets of our cities, this heinous act is then compounded by the media who refer to the person by her birth gender not her transgender; the report generally contains something about a transsexual man being killed rather than reporting a woman being killed.

I am far enough along my road right now that if someone were to use the wrong name in public I'd likely just ignore them, if it happened by accident then I might say something. Happening by accident is when someone who genderally gets it right slips and uses the wrong name or pronoun. When that happens I usuall have a gentle comeback like "who were you just thinking of" or just smile and let it slide. My girlfriend Lyne is a good example, 99% of the time she gets it right but once in a while she will slip up. With her I just let it slide because if we are in private (say the car or something)then she will apologize.

Name and pronoun usage in the work place can be awkward since for many of us the other staff have known us for sometime as our old self; they will take quite a while to get to the point of acceptance where they use the new name and pronouns on a regular basis. My advice,as someone who is transitioning on the job, is to just let things slide. Introduce yourself to any new employees as your new name and then let things work from there. It has taken many of my fellow employees several months to get to the point here they accept me enough as a woman to use the right names and pronouns; now they even occasionally include me in the girl talk.

Transition is not a foot race, it is a long process (one whose timeline is measured in years) and just as it takes us time to make all of the changes that are involved it will take others lots of time to get used to those changes and come to a place ofacceptance. There will be some who will never reach that place and abandon us long before hand. In the long run we make morefriends, ones who may not have known the old self and who accept us for who we show the world we are. What I am saying is that in the early days, weeks, months of transition be willing to cut people some slack unless they show that they have no interest in actually trying to accept and accomodate you.

If you are the spouse, significant other, or friend of a transitioning person it is going to be roungh for you but please, if you decide to build some form of relationship with them as they transition, try your dangedest to get the names and pronouns right. Seemingly little things like this mean so much to the transioning person, the help with self esteeem, self acceptance and in areas which may not have names.

[Guest angie]

Joanna,

My children have known me as Dad,Daddy,Poppy and Dada their whole lives.

To expect them to address me as anything else would be unreasonable for them.

And I get a kick out of being some place in public and they start calling me by the

male pronouns.I of course ingnore them for a time and they get louder and insistent.

I see others start looking around for their daddy and this little red head lady answers

them.By not over reacting and taking it in stride,they quit when I smile and say"Yes dear."

LOL

Ms.Angelique

I think we all tend to be gender sensitive at the begining.Time in role mellows that out.

[Sakura]

i have that problem with a few diffrent family members its mostly my aunts and uncles i think my aunt becky does it just to do it thought when im home visiting its never she or her its him or he or dude :/ this last time i was home visiting we all went to the beach for the day most of the day went off with out a hitch mostly cause i avoided my aunt

all day

till right when we was going home every one was leaving and parked right next to my car was a jeep full of boys well my niece wanted to ride home with me and for some reason my aunt starts yelling my old name across the parking lot and using the uncle term then my niece starts arguing with her about that not being my name then those boys started popping off stuff it got hairy real fast

me and my niece stopped off for ice ceam and made it home quiet a bit after every one else and i was most deffinatly ready to break off a piece of my mind on my aunt but my mom and my sister beat me to it i dont know what was said but after amonth they still are not talking to one another so i sorta feel bad that a name and a few pronouns caused so much problems

but glad that i do have some family that under stand the danger those pronouns and name can cause

Sakura

[Guest angie]

Both my sisters refuse to use the proper pronouns or using my real name.

I find it heartening that the ones that do,and correct themselves when they forget,

are both my brothers and my sister inlaw.My aunts and uncles,I haven't seen or

heard from since I came out six years ago.And that hurts,because one of my aunts

and I were so close growing up only being one year apart in age.I know about the

dangers of being outed since it has happened to me often by strangers and family .

Being of average female height and a small bodied woman,I am aware I could be beat

up or even killed.

It does my heart good to hear that your mother,sisters and niece support and defend

you Sakura.Some like your bigoted aunt,we can do nothing about but do as you do,

and avoid them.Wether she are aware or not she could get you in major trouble,she

has no right to out you so publicly.That just shows disrespect for your gender since

you transitioned and lived female since fourteen.I just love the religious right.Bigots

Angie

[Guest Donna Jean]

My professional contacts like my electrologist , therapist, gender doctor all use the correct name and pronouns....

But, My wife................

OMG that dear sweet girl.....

We've known each other for 45 years and she tries SO hard!

But, once in a while one slips out wrong...I don't hold her feet to the fire for that!

I was presenting male with her at a big store and she called me "Donna Jean" if front of some people...she became very embarrassed....

Then at home she'll call me by my old male name...then correct herself....

No problem....gotta give her some wiggle room!

Some of our closest supporters get mixed up sometimes!

Lets give an inch in these cases......OK?

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

My professional contacts like my electrologist , therapist, gender doctor all use the correct name and pronouns....

But, My wife................

OMG that dear sweet girl.....

We've known each other for 45 years and she tries SO hard!

But, once in a while one slips out wrong...I don't hold her feet to the fire for that!

I was presenting male with her at a big store and she called me "Donna Jean" if front of some people...she became very embarrassed....

Then at home she'll call me by my old male name...then correct herself....

No problem....gotta give her some wiggle room!

Some of our closest supporters get mixed up sometimes!

Lets give an inch in these cases......OK?

Love

Donna Jean

for those who are actively trying to get it right I do forgive the odd slip up, but I have little sympathy for those who wont even try. 

[Guest angie]

Hey Doll,

My ex tries very hard to use the right everything.When at her home,she will call me Angie

she and her.Then in the next sentence it is D.... he and him.It used to upset me to no end.

But I realise she had known me as D.... for twenty four years prior to coming out.So hold

nothing against her for her slip ups,she is trying.This November would have been our 30th anniversary. Even my daugters who are trying,with the oldest being the best at remembering,

slip up.Oh well schlitz happens.LOL

Angie

[Guest AllisonD]

I fussed about that when I was very young, but as a teen, and certainly as an adult, it is water off a duck's back. I made a point of not reacting. As a teen, when I was being tormented I would simply encourage it and not be offended or play into the game: "You sure do look like a boy to me, so why do you wear girls's clothes, lipstick, and carry a purse?" [said in a mean, antagonizing way] My response, "It works for me. Does it work for you?"

When it wasn't antagonistic, I simply ignored it. I still get it on the phone sometimes, and I still ignore it. Usually, it is like someone embarrasing themselves by passing gas, everyone just ignores it. I cannot recommend constantly harping on it. Mention it once, if it needs mentioning at all.

For those that seem determined to offend you, leave them behind. It took my parents ~ 5 years to accept me after I transitioned, and they knew how I felt about it from the time I was 6 or 7. I left them behind until they were ready to accept me. If they never had, I would never have spoken with them again. As it is, we now get along very very well. It took my brother 40 years to acknowledge he has a sister, and to call me by my correct name, and although he has now gotten used to it, we are by no means close by any measure. I have left him behind.

If you cannot leave someone offensive behind, because they follow you or are in your environment and you cannot change environments, then you must deal with them more directly. Women have ways of slicing each other up in verbal duals that are as viscious, and as decisive, as any swordfight, usually without even raising a voice. Learn to fight back. Women learn that as teens, so you are at a disadvantage unless you have been paying close attention. Start paying attention. Some canned responses to common attacks are your best ammunition, so learn some. Use every attack as a learning experience and then later take your time to come up with the perfect response. Once you can deal with women, men are easy unless they get physical. I never found a solution to physical violence except to have an escort that could defend me. I am a true coward in the face of physical violence. My total inability to defend myself actually saved me a couple of times when I was young, there simply was no fight in me for the guy to engage. NOT a good defense strategy; get an escort.

Allison

[Sally]

I tend to not be upset by pronoun misuse as much as a lot of people - I judge their intent and if they are only confused or have known me as another person for a long time, I don't mind so much.

However, there are some people who do it to irratate you and correcting them is exactlly what they want - they know that they are getting to you.

On the slip ups, I would ask them to try to be more careful because it is an area that can get you into some trouble.

On the vicious - just don't talk to them anymore.

Just an observation about human nature and the wrong pronouns (This is for an MTF, it would be just reversed for FTM):

When we are presenting as female and someone calls us he or sir we get angry and want to strangle that person, but if we are presenting as male and are called she or miss and it makes our entire day - it is the same thing - improper pronoun usage but like everything else in life when it goes against us it is an injustice and when it is in our favor it is a wonderful thing.

So if we are so willing to accept the wrong pronouns when presenting one way, let's try not to get violent when they are used incorreectly while presenting as the other.

Most incorrect pronouns are a result of not paying attention or just being in a hurry - cashiers tend to address the next person in line at busy times as being the same as the person ahead of them because they never looked up.

It is a big deal to us, but they don't get it so if you want to make them understand just reply to them with the wrong pronoun adn see how they react.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest angie]

That is why I don't talk to either ex brother inlaw.

Both try the guilt and shame game,both refuse to address me as female

or use my real name.So why should I suffer through discomfort for thier

benefit,when I can just avoid them and keep my piece of mind.I had an

incident at my local grocery store recently.When somebody,(I have no idea who,

I didn't look),was calling out my old name repeatedly.I just kept on doing what I

was doing,never batting an eye,not even acknowleging thier attempts.I haven't

used that name in years,have been in fulltime too long for it to really register with

me anymore.As I have said for years and mean it ...He Is Not Me.

Angie

[Paula ult]

Since i am out to everyone locally that needs to know and have gotten tremendous acceptance i do not want to jeopardize that by insisting i be called Paula, i told them when they feel comfortable to call me Paula, some already have and i realize those i have known a very long time it will be hard, they say i will always be K____ to them so it may take longer for them to get it right, but i will be patient, once i officially go full time i will want everyone to use the correct pronoun.

A couple months ago i went to lunch with my best friend and her husband, they tried so hard to get the pronoun correct but when they would use his name i would look around like i was looking for him too, they realized their mistake and corrected themselves.

Paula

[Guest AshleyRF]

I can't remember the last time I was called the wrong name or pronoun other than my parents calling me by my old name when we are talking about things from my past. That's the only time they use my old name and it's honestly more like they are talking about someone else.

[Guest Zabrak]

My grandma slips up, all the time and everyone else around only see's me as male. Its wrong because people think theres somthing strange going on or that my grandma's crazy.

Awhile back, when people asked who I was. Rather then her grandson she TOLD THEM I WAS HER GRANDDAUGHTER THATS NOW HER GRANDSON. Yes......she couldn't just say grandson. I found out she was going around doing this and telling anyone and everyone who asked. So yes, my life may be in danger if anyone whos voilent and againts tg people spots me. As far as I know she hasn't been doing that since but I had a huge break down for awhile over it.

[Guest AllisonD]

I can't remember the last time I was called the wrong name or pronoun other than my parents calling me by my old name when we are talking about things from my past. That's the only time they use my old name and it's honestly more like they are talking about someone else.

My parents are exactly like that, using my old name when talking about me when I was 4 years old, using my real name when talking about me from high school on, even tho it took them until I was about 25 to really accept me as me. It works for all 3 of us, I don't mind it a bit.

Allison

[Guest AllisonD]

My grandma slips up, all the time and everyone else around only see's me as male. Its wrong because people think theres somthing strange going on or that my grandma's crazy.

Awhile back, when people asked who I was. Rather then her grandson she TOLD THEM I WAS HER GRANDDAUGHTER THATS NOW HER GRANDSON. Yes......she couldn't just say grandson. I found out she was going around doing this and telling anyone and everyone who asked. So yes, my life may be in danger if anyone whos voilent and againts tg people spots me. As far as I know she hasn't been doing that since but I had a huge break down for awhile over it.

That is just plain mean. Even if she doesn't realize that it could threaten your life, deliberately putting someone down, which she is clearly trying to do, is just wrong. What benefit can a person realize by putting another down like that? She isn't trying to make herself feel better about herself - a motivation for some types of put downs. She isn't seeking revenge, is she? Hurting you for hurting her by your disappointing her? What 'rental unit would do that to her own (grand)children?

:: thinking :: Oh. :: remembering other threads ::

That's right. There are quite a few stories of 'rental units doing that to their own children here, aren't there. So, is that it? Revenge?

Allison

[Guest Zabrak]

She just doesn't understand shes doing any wrong and just can't remember. Thats what she says....I'm not mad at her, it just doesn't do me any good.