I Am A Woman!

[Carolyn Marie]

This day has been coming for five months. It is a day I've both anticipated and dreaded, hoped for

and feared, and lately, felt inevitable. With the help of my G.T., my sisters here at LP, and through

sometimes agonizing introspection, I have come to the realization that who I am is not the male

cross dresser I thought I was, but the girl/woman I wanted to be when I was 7 years old. It's taken me a

lifetime, but I can say without any doubt that I AM Carolyn Marie, a woman who was born into the wrong body.

I have changed my personal profile to reflect that, and it gives me both chills and joy to see it there.

How did I arrive at this long-delayed conclusion?

There are many answers. Most importantly, it is discovering the person behind the persona of Carolyn.

Finding that I liked - no loved, being Carolyn, who she represented, the kind of person she was, and

becoming comfortable with the idea of being Carolyn not just here, but anywhere, all the time, and

for the rest of my life. Carolyn is the person I should always have been and never was. Yes, there

are aspects of Carolyn that permeate my male self, but that isn't nearly enough any more.

After arriving at LP, I read posts from cross dressers and transsexuals, and found things in common

with both. I knew very little about the TG Community before coming here, and a lot of what I knew was

wrong. The more I read, the more confused I became about who I really was.

I posted a topic on my spousal relations (or lack thereof) and found, to my shock, that many

transwomen had EXACTLY the same story to tell! What a revelation. I knew right then I had to

find a G.T. and find out for certain who I was.

I have been in therapy for 9 weeks now. Without pushing me towards one conclusion or another,

my G.T. has helped me discover that Carolyn is not someone I put on when I wear feminine attire.

She is with me, part of me, IS me all the time. I have become comfortable with that fact, embrace

it, relish it. I know now that I NEED to be Carolyn, as much as I need to breath air.

I took delivery of female clothes recently, the first time in over 20 years. Wearing them

was a treat, and I felt entirely comfortable in them, but that wasn't the important thing. What was

important, what was a revelation, was the fact that I didn't need them to feel feminine, to feel like

a woman. I realized that I feel feminine, I feel like a woman, ALL the time. The clothing only

validated the way I already felt. That to me is what differentiates me from being a cross dresser

(cross-gender - thanks Mia!).

So what now? Now comes the hard part. First, coming out to my wife, something my G.T. and I

discussed at length, and will discuss at least once more. But sometime in the next 10 days, it is

what I have to do. It wil be a relief, but I am scared to death of it just the same. I have a 16

year old son, and what might happen if/when he fnds out I don't know and am scared to think

about. Hopefully, I'll have another year before he has to know.

And for me? The future holds transition. My life wil change forever, as will the lives of those

I love. I know I will feel guilt - I already do. But I am who I am, and I need to be who I was

meant to be. It will be by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I could not do it without

the love and support of those of you here. I'll need you more than ever.

I know you will be there by my side, and for that you have my thanks and my love.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ChloëC]

Carolyn,

I am really happy for you! I'm sure it took a lot of consideration and thought but I think it's a wonderful decision. There is no reason we all can't discover our dreams and then do what we can to follow them. Others may not always understand, but I think one has to be true to oneself to be really happy, and then that happiness can radiate out to others, hopefully touching more lives in a positive way, than before.

I would guess there are still difficult times ahead, and I wish you all the best, but I'm sure you're up to it, as we will be to give what help we can! And even though your 'tag' has changed, I still expect to be able to chat with you, as I have enjoyed your missives immeasureably.

Huggs and love

Chloë

[Guest Kayliegh]

Carolyn, my sister, I couldn't have said it better!

I’ll be there with you!!!

Love and hugs! - Kayleigh

[Guest Jean Davis]

Dear Carolyn

I am so happy that you have found the road that will give you the happiness you so richly desirve. I also know you have the wisdom and strength to overcome any obstacle or decision that you may encounter along the way. But on the rare occasion that obstacle or decision may be a little much to handle alone, please don't hesitate to ask us (your family) for any advise or strength that you may need. We are there for you nomatter what road you decide to travel and wish you only the very best in life.

LUV

Jean

[Guest again]

Hi Carolyn! I wish you all the best in your latest decision and I know that you have friends who will support you---all will be well---not always easy, but well!

[Guest mia 1]

Good luck dear friend..think the worst is "hurdled'' and you are on your way.....My best Mia

[Guest Heather H]

Oh Carolyn - (BIG HUGS!)

Its a hugely courageous, difficult and certainly scary realisation that you have reached, but ultimately I hope it will allow you to finally be happy and true to yourself. As others have said, its not going to be easy, but I hope that knowing there are others out there who have gone, or are going, through exactly the same thing, will give you some comfort and strength.

And most importantly, we are all here if you need to talk, rant, cry, laugh or are just bursting to tell someone something, be it woeful or wonderful, and that we love you.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Way to go, it sure feels good when you finally figure it all out. Remember, when you do come out to your SO you will have all of us there with you in spirit; I am crossing my fingers that initially it goes much better for you than it did for me; given space and time my SO is really coming around and there are some wonderful changes happening (keeping those secret however).

[Guest Zabrak]

Its good you talked all the way though everything and I'm happy you made the choice you think is right for you. Laura's will be here to help support you through the rest...its a long road ahead of you but you wont have to go it alone.

[Guest rachael1]

I am so excited for you Carolyn I nearly had kittens.

It was inevitable really and I was expecting an announcement like this for a while.

I am crossing my fingers as well as my toes that it isn't too painful for you and your wife when you come out to her.

You are a wonderful person and friend.

Love Rachael

[Carolyn Marie]

To my sisters and brothers:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and kindness.

I predict storms ahead; hopefully they won't turn into hurricanes. I know you will

be there to keep me safe if they do.

Love,

Carolyn

[Sally]

Carolyn, Sweetheart,

I want you to remember one thing while you are feeling all of the guilt that we all share.

People will tell you that you are being selfish and that you have been deceitful but they will never share the blame for being selfish in wanting you to be someone you are not and for forcing you into the situation you are now in.

We are not blameless nor or they so no matter what is said and what happens keep forgiveness in your heart and always hope for the best.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sweetie,

That is so wonderful!! I am very happy for you!!!

Congratulations, and what a milestone!!

Love you

renda

[Guest Tammy Maher]

Good Luck!!!! We're all here whenever. *big huggles*

To my sisters and brothers:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and kindness.

I predict storms ahead; hopefully they won't turn into hurricanes. I know you will

be there to keep me safe if they do.

Love,

Carolyn

That is what I predicted when I told my girlfriend, but everything is great. I hope your's goes the same way.

^^/

[Paula ult]

Carolyn sweety i am really happy you have found your way, i noticed below your avatar on another post earlier it now says MtF instead of crossdresser and i said to myself that Carolyn has finally figured it out and a smile came to my face.

Take all the time you need to tell your wife, there is no rush, i am sure you have read enough topics as to what to do and not to do and as you said you will get the advise if your GT.

You will still have some sessions left before you will get the letter for hormones then it is up to you if and when you will start them.

Paula

[Guest Emily H]

I congratulate you Carolyn for finally finding the answer. You have always been a woman to me. And now to finally know and understand....

I am just so happy for you. The road ahead will be hard I am sure, though I have no experience in it. I wish you so much luck and will always be your friend.

I just hope one day I will find an answer, a clear answer, such as you have found.

We all love you Carolyn.

~Andrea

[Guest Donna Jean]

Carolyn.....................

OK........

Now you're at that point.....

I wanna hugg you.......

I wanna tell you..........

I wanna let you know that you are at a point in your life that is so important...

We'll be here for you....you know that, but, you've been around long enough to know that it's gonna be hard.

I love you, Girlfriend.....

Let us help......OK?

Love...............

Donna Jean

[Guest EricaG]

Carolyn,

I am so thrilled that you have come to the realization of knowing your true self and I am so proud to have you as a friend and even though I am still wet behind the ears here at LP along with everyone else I am there for you. I can certainly imagine how scared you are coming out to your wife but my thoughts when I finally did it were that true love will prevail and that along with the advice that I got from my friends here gave me the strength to do it. So let your love for each other and knowing that everyone here is behind you let that be your strength as well. You are a beautiful person and I just know that everything will be OK.

Love & Kisses and a great big

{{{{HUGGGGG}}}}

Erica

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Carolyn

We have been gone for a while and I have just opened up the forum - your post! My goodness!

What a journey you are now on! PLEASE be careful, it gets really crazy now... promise you will keep in CLOSE contact with us all - especially those of us like you, older, married, and also MTF.

HEY - that's ME!

Love you - and... the terror will be matched only by the thrill!

My oh My oh My

Lizzy