Please Help, I'm Scared I'm Going To Relapse

[Guest Cricket]

Hey everyone.

I've been sober for a year and a half and I'm scared I'm going to relapse.

I don't know many people in the city I live now, so right now I wouldn't even begin to know where to find drugs, but I know if I get desperate enough I will find some way to get myself high, even if it's just dexxing out on Robitussin or taking my anxiety meds when I'm not supposed to (I have a bad anxiety disorder and have been prescribed Klonipin for it).

My last relapse was a year and a half ago and it was a bad one. I was high almost constantly and at one point couldn't even go outside to face the world without having something in my system. I was really depressed at the time and had a lot of drug users around me who were close friends (one was even a dealer) so finding drugs was never a problem. Now it's not so easy but like I said, if I get desperate enough I will find a way and I don't want that to happen. Things are finally going good for me, I'm living in a good house with my amazing fiancee and I'm almost finished with a book I've been writing for a while, and all of my destructive friends and bad influences are out of my life, and I'm scared I'll mess that up or even worse, lose it. I don't relapse often but each one is always worse than the last, I always use harder and harder drugs and more and more often.

I tried going to NA but the whole higher power thing didn't work for me. It was just so invalidating, I felt like they were saying "You aren't good enough, you aren't strong enough, there's no way you can do this you weak pathetic druggie, unless you do what WE say and listen to OUR ways." And I am very very headstrong and stubborn and I hate it when people tell me that I HAVE to do things in specific ways or I can't do it at all. I always rebel and fight. I know that's not the way it's meant to be but that's how it makes me feel, like I'm not good enough or strong enough to take care of myself. And I HATE it when people blame devils for bad things and thank gods for things that go right when it was their own bad decisions or hard work that brought the event about. I've tried looking for non-religious support groups with no luck.

I'm just always so stressed out and depressed and I have really bad insomnia, and I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin and it's just a need, I'd go so far as to say I'm fiending. I know it's not true, I know in the long run it will just make things worse, but all I can think of right now in the short term--if I could just get this I'd not be so stressed all the time, if only I could get that I'd not be so depressed, if only I could get the other I'd finally be able to sleep.

Just ...please help. I know nobody can truly talk me out of this except myself, but I can't do this on my own. Puddle Jumper is of course supporting me but I'm afraid to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist about this because none of my drug use is on record and I'm scared it will affect how my meds are prescribed and my anxiety is so bad that if they take my pills away I might do something really stupid and dangerous during an attack.

[Carolyn Marie]

Cricket, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a state.

You MUST find a way to fight this, Hon.

I urge you to be honest with your therapist. They can and will help you - they are your

very best resource. Don't worry about how this might effect your other meds. If you

relapse you won't be in any position to take the other meds anyway, as that will

make things even worse.

There must be some non-judgmental non-religious support group in your area. I can't

believe there wouldn't be. You've checked the web, the Yellow Pages?

Another alternative is our chat moderators. They are wonderful when people are in

crisis and can help you get through this if you have no other resources. Log into chat,

honey, and ask Mod to go into a crisis room with you and talk through it.

I'm not as experienced in such matters, but you can PM me if you wish. I'll be here for a

while and I want to help.

I care about you Cricket. We all do. Help yourself, Hon. Talk to your therapist as soon

as possible. Do it for me, please!!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hey Cricket

Do you know what is making you feel stressed out and depressed. I always found that it is easier to fix whatever is making you feel poorly if you know what it is. Perhaps you and Puddle Jumper could talk and figure out what it is that is bothering you. Once you know , you can work at making the situation better.

If it is something that you just have to wait out, perhaps a new hobbie would take your mind off of it. Think of something that would be interesting to you but really challenging. Perhaps a really challenging model kit or a couple of days at the gym, you know something you can bury yourself in that will make you feel good when it's completed.

I know you have the strength and knowledge to get past this. And if you find yourself at a weak point feel free to yell at me , I'm more than happy to help you through this.

Stand tall Cricket, your stronger than you know.

LUV

Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest,

I am sorry to hear of your pain. I am sorry too to hear that a group like NA made you feel marginalized. Typically drug and alcohol support groups do not make one feel low nor inferior. A sponsor to talk to and be there with you right now would have been very helpful in your time of need. In lieu of someone physically there to hold you... try to hear me.

You do not actually want to go down that path that you have gone down so many tmies before. You know where it ends. You have been there before. The fact that you are calling out to us means that you don't need to travel that road again. They say that one should take it day by day. Sometimes one needs to take it hour by hour to stay sober. You feel the urge, but you know that to give into that urge gets you nowhere. The urge will pass. I promise.

You do not have to resort to your old ways, old days. You have been there, done that.

You are in a new place now. There is no reason to go back. Life moves forward.

Look at yourself and tell yourself that you honestly want to start taking drugs again. What do you think your answer will be?

Angel (bronx) has a wonderful signature.... "Keep your eye on the prize"

Heed those words because they are the truest words I have ever read.

Love you

Brenda

[Guest Cricket]

Hey again. So I finally decided to work up the courage to talk to my therapist about it and ask for help but I got a call a few hours before my apartment to tell me she would be out indefinitely and that I'll get a call to set up an appointment when she's back in. It could be two days or two months for all I know. They didn't give me specifics. I called my psychiatrist's office and rescheduled my appiontment from October 26 to the 12. But that's still a while away. The thing is, aside from my girlfriend and the friends I used to use drugs with (who I no longer talk to), nobody knows that I ever did, and I'm scared to ask them for support now because I'm scared of what they'll think of me. I did some really stupid stuff and I'm really ashamed that I want to do it again even though I know it's a really really bad idea.

A lot of the problem is stemming from me being so bored and feeling so useless and worthless. I've been unemployed since last December and I've looked and tried everywhere but can't find work. And that's a big part of the problem. And when I get bored I get really angry and really depressed, and when I get bored enough I'm willing to do ANYTHING to make it stop, no matter how stupid or dangerous it is.

We got a DDR game a few days ago so I'm going to try that. Hopefully like Jean suggested finding a new engrossing hobby will help. So I'm going to play through all the songs on every level, from beginner to expert until I can get a certain score on each level. I hope that will keep my busy mentally and physically so I stop thinking about this so much.

But the urges have gotten worse since I posted last. I'm still holding out but it's getting so much harder every day.

It's just so hard to even get out of bed in the morning. Every day when I wake up I just think "I can't believe I have to do this all over again."

Thank you so much for your support, I'm probably going to be around here a lot the next few weeks.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sweetie,

I know that the job market is tough out there right now, but all indications are saying that the economy is rebounding. The company that I work for had massive layoffs last year and this year they are rehiring!! Good sign.

You may want to consider to find another therapist. Sounds like the one you have right now is dealing with their own issues and that is why they are not going to be available anytime soon. Just a thought.

Yes, Please do hang out here!!! Post all you want to vent and talk.

PM me hon, if you want. You can talk to me

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Jean Davis]

I'm probably going to be around here a lot the next few weeks.

This last statement is great news, I just love to read your posts. Perhaps there will be a couple of those days where we could just chat up a storm.

Let me know if this sounds good to you.

LUV

Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Cricket, I know its going to be a struggle day to day, but we will be here for you.

You can count on it. We will get you through it, whatever it takes.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

Hi Cricket.

I'm so sorry you are going through this emotional pain. For myself I have an anxiety disorder that kind of makes living a bit more challenging yet I still "push through" as my therapist keeps reminding me to do. Since you are unemployed have you considered volunteering in the meantime until something comes through? That is one way of keeping busy and taking your mind off things that trouble you. Just a suggestion.

Hugs,

Suzie

[Guest A.S.]

I am sorry to hear about that even I don't have drug problems. Try your best try to some help you can get. I am sure you get a lot of support here.

I'll pray for you.

Peace.

A.S

[Guest Natalie92]

There was a reason you decided to quit drugs. I don't know what it was and it's not important to me. But that reason IS important to you. Every time you think of starting back up you need to remind yourself of WHY you quit.

Love,

Natalie

[Guest Cricket]

Hello again everyone.

Things have been slowly getting a little better. I'm still depressed a lot of the time and my anxiety is still really bad, but it's not AS bad, which is making dealing with it a little easier. I have all the pieces of my halloween costume and am going to spend the next few weeks putting it together so hopefully that will keep me occupied and distracted, and it would be impossible to sew correctly if I'm not sober, so I'm hoping it will be a good deterrent.

I quit drugs for a reason. My girlfriend, now fiancee, was worried about me so much, and it killed me to be a cause of pain for her. She was always understanding but I felt it was completely unfair to put that burden on her. So really I quit drugs for her instead of myself. (But any reason to quit is a good one, right?) And knowing each relapse is always worse than the one before, if I relapse this time I could do serious damage to myself, and while I don't really care all that much what happens to me (I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth, I have awful self esteem and don't like myself at all), but if something I did hurt her in any way, emotional, physical, anything, it would completely destroy me. It sounds dramatic but she is my world and I could never do anything that would hurt her.

So from now on when I'm tempted I'm going to remind myself of that. I have a picture of her in my phone and from now on any time I get the urge I'll open it to remind myself why I'm sober and need to stay that way.

Thank you again so so much everyone for being so supportive.It means so much to me and it's going to make it a lot easier, because in the past the only person I really had to rely on was myself.

[Guest Edu]

I wish I had seen this thread earlier. There is something I found some time ago that I'd like to share with you:

Even in the blackest night, when dark clouds seem to bloat up the skies, the stars are still there, shedding their light on us. If you can't see them with your eyes, you only need to close your eyes to feel them.

This thought have helped me to find hope whenever I have been on despair, and I hope it may help you as well because you have already found a star who shines brightly just for you.

Life is a quite simple (although not easy) game, on which the only way to really lose is giving up. No one ever gives up as long as there is strength and hope, and you have a great source of both. As long as you have it, and you remember that you have it, you can't lose, so you can only win

Hoping to help,

Ethain

[Guest Robin Winter]

Take up cooking? I dunno if that would interest you, but it's always exciting when something turns out just how you planned it. I made cherry cordials once and they were divine! I was so impressed with myself

I dunno, food is kinda sacred to me. It brings people together, good food is good for the soul. Plus, there's absolutely NO END to the possibilities. You could make something new 3 times a day and never run out of new things to try.

If that idea doesn't interest you, I sincerely hope you find something that does, something you can find comfort in.

*hugs*

[Guest Cricket]

I am actually a huge foodie! I'm also a vegan, and veganmofo (which stands for vegan month of food) is in October, so that's pretty exciting. Basically what it is is using the whole month to experiment with new foods and recipes and expand your cooking horizons, then blog about it. I don't have a blog but I always participate just for the challenge. =) So hopefully that combined with my Halloween costume will keep me occupied enough that I don't think about it.

The urges come and go. Sometimes they're just little scratches in the back of my head I hardly notice and sometimes they're huge snarling monsters that I can't get rid of. But the fact that sometimes they aren't as bad or I don't notice it is a good thing, because that's the first step to being that way all the time.

Thank you again everyone. I know I say that every time I post in this thread but it really means so much to me that you're all so supportive.

[Guest Robin Winter]

That's kinda neat, I used to be kitchen manager in Halifax's only true vegetarian restaurant, and most of our food was vegan

We even made a vegan chocolate cheesecake

If only I could remember the recipe....

[Guest Morgan]

That's kinda neat, I used to be kitchen manager in Halifax's only true vegetarian restaurant, and most of our food was vegan

We even made a vegan chocolate cheesecake

If only I could remember the recipe....

I hope you are doing better I just read your plea for help I wiil keep your needs in my thoughts just use your oun consept of a higher power it doesn,t need to be like anyone elses, concept it just needs to resonate with you. Get to a meeting talk with others in recovery ask for the right people to be put in your path. Hugs Morgan

[Guest Christine Beatty]

I tried going to NA but the whole higher power thing didn't work for me. It was just so invalidating, I felt like they were saying "You aren't good enough, you aren't strong enough, there's no way you can do this you weak pathetic druggie, unless you do what WE say and listen to OUR ways." And I am very very headstrong and stubborn and I hate it when people tell me that I HAVE to do things in specific ways or I can't do it at all. I always rebel and fight. I know that's not the way it's meant to be but that's how it makes me feel, like I'm not good enough or strong enough to take care of myself. And I HATE it when people blame devils for bad things and thank gods for things that go right when it was their own bad decisions or hard work that brought the event about. I've tried looking for non-religious support groups with no luck.

Cricket, I'm always saddened and frustrated when someone comes looking for help, says they don't know what to do, but then goes and tells help how to help them. If you could do it on your own then you wouldn't be asking for anyone's help; you'd just be walking away from drugs on your own. The message of Twelve Step programs is not "you're not good enough" or "you're pathetic" — that's your own low self-esteem putting those words in there — the message is that none of us are strong enough to conquer addiction by ourselves. That is the essence of the first step.

Now I will agree there are people in various fellowships, and I've seen quite a few of them in NA ("NA cup cakes"), whose enthusiasm for recovery borders on fanaticism. These folks often get the message all twisted and some of them even think with their nine months or handful of years that they've become higher powers in their own right and end up becoming rather obnoxious in how they carry the message (sounds like you've run into a few of them). This is why, even though my drug of choice is heroin, I mostly stick to AA because there's a lot more humility and maturity in those rooms.

I also disagree with the whole "God found me a parking place" mindset, which is just as ridiculous as "the Devil put that line of coke in my way." I don't even like to say "God" because of my whole parochial school upbringing and the Christian Taliban in this country; I say "Goddess" because my Higher Power has no connection to that ancient, bloody, childish religion. The point is that the 3rd Step of any 12th Step program says you get to pick your own Higher Power, as long as it makes sense to you, so start with that. My suggestion is to stay away from the book-thumpers and look to those who have real recovery (you'll know who they are because they won't be preaching or saying "do it my way"), they *are* out there.

Hang in there, because it does eventually work if you allow it to. And, FYI, I used to tell myself everything you've said here!

[Guest jennifer_mcg]

A big hug for cricket! I really wish you all the best;; it's a hard road, and a long one (as is transition anyway), but worthwhile and hang in there! You say you're writing a book. I do that crazy thing as well, but mostly short stories for now: maybe you can focus on that ... though writing is awful it's great to start and even more wonderful when finished. You have a fiancee, and that is a good thing and a fine place to live? Even better! And friends -- seems to me, here at Laura's certainly. Your therapist is on your side; there's really no need for you to go "on the record" i8f he or she is willing to help (if qualified they are sworn to a patient and doctor secrecy anyway).

You are a lovely person, and you deserve all the love and cherish that comes your way.

JJ

[Guest Cricket]

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for disappearing for a few months and I'm even more sorry if I worried anybody by doing so. I'm doing okay now (when it comes to dealing with drugs, not so well in other areas). Even when I wasn't here, when I was tempted I thought of you and your thoughts and suggestions and well-wishes, and it really helped. Thank you so much for helping me through it. I've found coping mechanisms that really help (like doing hobbies I love, like writing or drawing to keep me busy and happier), and things to avoid (for example, now I don't watch any movies or anything that involve drugs, because it makes me 'itch' if you understand what I mean). I was writing a novel about a drug addict while this was going on, and I realized that it was making things worse (even though it was about why drugs are bad!), so I ended up scrapping it even though I want to finish it, because my health is much more important than a fiction story.

Anyway, thank you so much for everything and for helping me get through this. Thank you. I don't have many friends or much of a support group outside of my finacee and my therapist so having you all really, really helped so much. Thank you. =)

[Guest uncertain_cd]

When it comes to drug abuse, I know it all too well.

At 13 I started using amphetamine, Dextroamphetamine and Methamphetamine on a daily basis, I abused this stuff beyond belief, I feel high as a kite just typing that.

Anyways without getting into too much detail, I quit a 4 year speed addiction cold turkey, been clean since June 9th 2009. It was HARD at first and I never thought Id be able to do it on my own but I did. You just gotta try babe,! Some people just can't do it on their own and this whole 'higher power' thing is all a bunch of lies. There is no God or Devil, no higher power. The only higher power out there is YOURSELF!

I really hope you can get yourself help for this, I really truly mean that and please don't start taking the K pins (Clonazepam) when yuor not supposed to, benzodiazepene addiction gets BAD and is very dangerous not to mention that quitting benzos cold turkey after abusing them can lead you to seizures and death..

Dexxing it out is awesome and it;'s a hell of a drug, never forget that, just because it's in couch syrup/robo gels etc don't think that it's not a powerful dissasocitive. It's very damaging as well to your body and brain.

Sorry if I'm of no help to you, I'm trying *hugs*

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Honey

I'm so happy we could help and you know that we'll always be here for you in the future.

You're one of those Good apples we just can't throw away.

But on a serious note, you mean a lot to many people here and we care about you. So don't be such a stranger, we just love to see you happy smiling face. Stop back often, we miss you.

LUV

Jean