I'm Tired Of Being Confused, And Silent...

[Guest UniquelyDefined]

This is hard to put all in one thread, but I'll do my best. For a very long time I've had fantasies of being a woman. They have always revolved mostly around sex, and the uniqueness of the female role, psychology, ability, body, and feeling with regard to sex. I've been fascinated by women for years, and tried very hard to understand their psychology, and nature. I believe that most of this interest is something of a personal interest... I feel like sexually a large part of me is female, in the sense that I have a hard time not imagining myself as a woman, or thinking about it, at least, when having sex, or thinking about sex...

It gets more complex, however... I feel perfectly fine being a man... I never really had an issue with being a man, not have I felt like a woman trapped in a man's body except perhaps in the sense of sexuality. To make things worse, I am actually very into the kinkier sides of dominance, and submission, in the bedroom, and I have a wonderful time being the traditional dominant role, but at the same time I constantly have this wish that I were able to be the submissive female... It's extremely depressing, and confusing, because on the one hand I have this whole male sexual world that I am part of, and interested, and even happy with, but on the other hand I have a need to be part of the female one, too. Most of the time I would compartmentalize it, and leave it to it's own world of fantasy, but as I grow older now (I am twenty two) I find that more, and more, I want to experience this as a real thing, and not just a fantasy. I just need some kind of outlet for exploration. I do not know what to do!

I guess that what I really want to know is what I should call myself, as names are important to me for purposes of self categorization, and I want to know if I'm alone... I want to know what I can do to try to explore this part of me... I don't think that I am transsexual, and do not see myself ever wanting surgery, because I'm just far too comfortable in my male life, but I'm tired of having the odd sexual experience where I wish I were on the other end, too I'm tired of feeling like I want to tell someone, and being completely unable... What do I do?

I apologize for the hasty writing style. I'll appreciate any, and all, thoughts.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

This is hard to put all in one thread, but I'll do my best. For a very long time I've had fantasies of being a woman. They have always revolved mostly around sex, and the uniqueness of the female role, psychology, ability, body, and feeling with regard to sex. I've been fascinated by women for years, and tried very hard to understand their psychology, and nature. I believe that most of this interest is something of a personal interest... I feel like sexually a large part of me is female, in the sense that I have a hard time not imagining myself as a woman, or thinking about it, at least, when having sex, or thinking about sex...

It gets more complex, however... I feel perfectly fine being a man... I never really had an issue with being a man, not have I felt like a woman trapped in a man's body except perhaps in the sense of sexuality. To make things worse, I am actually very into the kinkier sides of dominance, and submission, in the bedroom, and I have a wonderful time being the traditional dominant role, but at the same time I constantly have this wish that I were able to be the submissive female... It's extremely depressing, and confusing, because on the one hand I have this whole male sexual world that I am part of, and interested, and even happy with, but on the other hand I have a need to be part of the female one, too. Most of the time I would compartmentalize it, and leave it to it's own world of fantasy, but as I grow older now (I am twenty two) I find that more, and more, I want to experience this as a real thing, and not just a fantasy. I just need some kind of outlet for exploration. I do not know what to do!

I guess that what I really want to know is what I should call myself, as names are important to me for purposes of self categorization, and I want to know if I'm alone... I want to know what I can do to try to explore this part of me... I don't think that I am transsexual, and do not see myself ever wanting surgery, because I'm just far too comfortable in my male life, but I'm tired of having the odd sexual experience where I wish I were on the other end, too I'm tired of feeling like I want to tell someone, and being completely unable... What do I do?

I apologize for the hasty writing style. I'll appreciate any, and all, thoughts.

I will try to keep this PG-13, you may be what is called a switch one that can play both sides of the equations. I see that because I am one, if you wish to discuss this more (I dont feel comfortable talking bout it in open chat) pm me and we can discuss how to take that part private.

Secondly, don't get hung up on labels some of us know what we are and can fit the label but if you dont know then dont label, it will trap you and after all you may not fit any of the labels.

I wish this site hand an adult board for topics like this but it doesn't so we will have to figure out how to keep it in the rating

[Guest Robin Winter]

If you really feel the need for a label though, the "clinical" term is autogynephilia.

It might be good for you to explore this side of yourself, though, you may find it's something more, or at the very least, you might find a way to adequately "scratch the itch" as it were

I'm sure you'll hear this countless times, but we're all here for you, and maybe over time we might even help

[Guest AllisonD]

Kate Bornstein writes a bit about this, and how she has many similar feelings to what I think you are saying. Look her up as an author, her books are on Amazon, and her views on sadomasochism and dominance. She is into it, and you may find what you are looking for there. They play games with roles and scripts and well defined boundaries that might be just the thing for you.

Allison

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Kate Bornstein writes a bit about this, and how she has many similar feelings to what I think you are saying. Look her up as an author, her books are on Amazon, and her views on sadomasochism and dominance. She is into it, and you may find what you are looking for there. They play games with roles and scripts and well defined boundaries that might be just the thing for you.

Allison

There are many good books on the lifestyle and having been in it for more than a decade there is more to it than just role play although for some couples that is certainly a big part of it. To describe it as I see it would be beyond the scope of this post and maybe beyond the scope of this forum. There is a limit to how far I will discuss this in open chat because of the distinct possibility of under age eyes seeing what I write. In an age restricted board I would be much more open but since there isn't one I would only discuss it in IM or email

[Guest UniquelyDefined]

I'm replying right here, as I'm not immediately going to address anything of a sexual nature. My first thought at reading your response is that you are using the term switch in a traditional BDSM sense, but I just want to clarify to see if this is true. As I understand it, a switch is someone that takes both dominant, and submissive roles in D/s. That does not particularly have to do with their gender, however. I'd be completely demystified if I were interested in being a submissive "male", but what gets me about this is that I actually am not attracted to that idea at all... I want to be a submissive female... It sounds odd, but that's how I seem to be feeling, and have for a very long time. My own psychological conjecture, which I will keep to a minimum, is that I think that I find it to be a beautiful expression of femininity. I hate to self analyze when asking for other's opinions, however.

My bottom line feeling is that it's not about being submissive. It's about being a girl that's submissive.

Thank you for your response! You really got me thinking about it further. If you feel like this is still on a personal kind of path for you, then I encourage you to write a response via private message, and see if you can help me work this out.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

We cannot talk about the lifestyle in open chat on this service, however once you get to 5 posts i will pm you and we can talk there.

[Guest UniquelyDefined]

I really appreciate the kind reply...

I actually have read a lot of material on autogynephilia, and I would have brought that up, but I hate to put diagnoses in people's mouths when what I real want is a raw opinion. Your mentioning this theory makes me feel pretty good about it, as I've already been considering myself an autogynephile. From everything I have read it all rings true to me, and strikes me as psychologically sound, too. When I first read about autogynephilia I felt like someone had written my name down a thousand times, because I felt like I was truly reading about myself. The thing is, however, it seems that there isn't much "support" for autogynephilia, and after reading the psychological theories I feel like I am still just as alone, and just as confused. I still don't know what to do with myself, and I don't know who to talk to. For the longest time I just let it go, but of course the subject returned...

You suggest that I explore this side of me, and I agree that I feel that this is one hundred percent the best way to get to understand what I am dealing with. It is for the reason of exploration that I am here, actually. The only thing that I could come up with to explore this was to talk, and so I am talking here, and talking to a select few friends. Is there anything else that I should think about doing? Obviously there is a very sexual side to this, but I'm sort of holding off on really bringing this into my sex life until I figure what I've been putting off addressing for so many years. I honestly always externalized my feelings when I was younger. As a teen I used to draw beautiful women, and learn about the female form, and aesthetic. Later I became very involved in sexual psychology, and philosophy. I used to explore my fantasies with women, but never directly. They would obviously always be the women, and I was always the man, but I often felt like it was reflectively satisfying. I guess that you can only ignore something for so long, though.

Wow, I didn't expect to write that much... I'm really just pouring it all out here, heh. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll be looking forward to hearing more from you. You seem to have a very bright attitude.

Oh, as a last thought, is there somewhere here where autogynephilia is particularly talked about? I saw that there are discussions under "transgenderist", but it looked like there was not a whole lot in the way of sharing. Maybe I have not looked deep enough. I'm a bit afraid, in a sense.

[Guest UniquelyDefined]

That is very good of you. I'll wait until then.

[Guest LaurenFrancesca]

"This is hard to put all in one thread, but I'll do my best. For a very long time I've had fantasies of being a woman. They have always revolved mostly around sex, and the uniqueness of the female role, psychology, ability, body, and feeling with regard to sex. I've been fascinated by women for years, and tried very hard to understand their psychology, and nature. I believe that most of this interest is something of a personal interest... I feel like sexually a large part of me is female, in the sense that I have a hard time not imagining myself as a woman, or thinking about it, at least, when having sex, or thinking about sex...

I constantly have this wish that I were able to be the submissive female... It's extremely depressing, and confusing, because on the one hand I have this whole male sexual world that I am part of, and interested, and even happy with, but on the other hand I have a need to be part of the female one, too. Most of the time I would compartmentalize it, and leave it to it's own world of fantasy, but as I grow older now I find that more, and more, I want to experience this as a real thing, and not just a fantasy. I just need some kind of outlet for exploration. I do not know what to do!

I guess that what I really want to know is what I should call myself, as names are important to me for purposes of self categorization, and I want to know if I'm alone...I'm tired of having the odd sexual experience where I wish I were on the other end, too I'm tired of feeling like I want to tell someone, and being completely unable... What do I do?"

These are my comments now:

I understand wanting to experience having sex and feeling as though I am the, or a woman in the experience, my experience having sex with a woman who was fairly traditional in expecting me to initiate sex, and my expectations of myself, that I should be feeling 'more like a man' having sex, but being disappointed with that, wishing I had the courage to say what I wanted, but being trapped by me preconceptions.

Am really hoping to resolve how I'm feeling,and what I'm thinking on the issue of sex with my next few partners, to find someone with the willingness and ability to treat me as the female during sex. Also hope that I am able to open up enough to enjoy sex being treated as a female, being the woman. I keep wanting to think my emotions and thoughts about this are false, just an invention. Time and experiences will tell, and being as open as possible to how I'm reacting, to just letting myself go and enjoy sex which was a problem before. I don't mean to be all depressive here, but just to say I get some of what you said about wanting to be taking on the female role during sex, some of your concerns.

[Guest Wanderer]

Ha, interesting. You sound an awful lot like me. My last serious relationship (which ended in her breaking up with me due to being too busy to make time for me, and spiraling depression on my part) was with a girl whom, in a variety of ways that I enjoyed, basically played the traditional gentleman, with me being her lady, even though I'm not out at all and people stared at us like we were insane from time to time. But I loved it. It almost made me not even care about how other people viewed me. I could be a guy, and whatever that meant to everyone else would be just fine.

I'm still uncertain, after having had that, of whether I really want to transition to any degree, although I must admit I have autogynephylic tendencies. It almost seems like the main motivator now is how people see me and treat me in my day to day life (setting aside the arousal component) but is that enough to warrant a transition, or should I just try to find a few people whom understand me and accept me for who I am? It seems impossible, even in the gay community, and I'm not really into men very much. It's altogether too confusing. @__@

@Allision: I may have to look at those books. They sound interesting.

[Guest Wanderer]

Oh, but in the BDSM department, I feel quite certain I am not a switch. It requires continuous consciencious effort for me to play a dominant role, and even making the first move is very difficult for me in sexual contexts. I can do the latter, if I'm really, really comfortable and really want something to happen, but I enjoy being the chasee so much more. I don't usually tend to get to be the 'chasee' though, but I guess I don't really have a problem with that, when it comes down to it, because courtship of today is rarely one-sided for anyone, nevermind counter-traditionally. I just like being treated in that general nature. ~.~

And yes, it would be quite nice if there were an adult portion of the forums. I would definitely appreciate it. Although, if mods have to be 21+ as I've heard for mature-content reasons, on the same basis I might not be allowed to participate, to my dismay. Still, I would appreciate it being available for those to whom it would be available, and I would definitely appreciate it... uhh... *does simple arithmatic very slowly today*... three years from now.

[Guest Jean Davis]

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep, And now an important Public Service Announcement.

And yes, it would be quite nice if there were an adult portion of the forums. I would definitely appreciate it. Although, if mods have to be 21+ as I've heard for mature-content reasons, on the same basis I might not be allowed to participate, to my dismay. Still, I would appreciate it being available for those to whom it would be available, and I would definitely appreciate it... uhh... *does simple arithmatic very slowly today*... three years from now.

Honey

Your really not missing out on anything, the only differences between our forums and adult forums is the language and maybe 1 or 2 subjects. Take a close look at the topics, most of them are of adult nature and the other topics that are not posted would usually be offensive to some or most of our family. And lets face it who wants to be discussing those subjects anyways. That also includes the language, Laura's rules are there for a reason to help to reduce the amount of arguements and to hopefully not hurt anyone. Lets face it we all have our vulnerable moments and to have people not watch what they are saying could potentially be harmful. Becuase no matter how careful people are we do slip up from time to time and this would happen more if people would switch back and forth between regulated and unregulated forums.

Plus when you learn how to phrase your thoughts well here, you will carry that into the real world and you will sound more intellectual. That will help you in school, work or/and social events/relationships. Especially if you bury your nose in a dictionary to correct your spelling, like I do.

I found out that in life most people that need that freedom from rules to relay their thoughts usually don't prosper as much in life.

Some of the most important/wealthy people in life very seldom if ever slip from their social rules. Actually an adult forum would be an awlfully dull place if all the people there would act like adults, am I right or am I right. That's what I thought, I'm right!!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep This concludes our Public Service Announcement. Now back to your normal programming.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Wanderer]

Heh, I understand that, and I don't have much of a problem with it overall, but it's those one or two subjects you mentioned. Right around this point I'd kind of like to be able to receive advice of this nature, and while PMs are fine for that, I bet that I might be having the same conversation as someone else in many lights, and that is, of course, the reason to have a message board to begin with over simple chat rooms and private messages alone. >.<

It's not seeking a freedom from rules either. It's seeking an environment geared to a slightly more mature audience, with a loosening of rules to accept a couple more situations that may need handling in a more efficient way. I would still honestly be offended, and probably not use it, if this forum were to go the way you seem to be assuming it would, or if it decreased moderation to the extent you seem to be suggesting is supposed here. There is just a little bit more clarity that can be given.

But I do suppose I may be overreacting a touch, and in fact the capacity to suggest reading elsewhere on the subject is probably good enough. There certainly doesn't seem to be enough demand, at least that I've seen, to warrant the necessary upkeep of such an addition to the forums. Although I, personally, would not mind hosting such a forum myself. Although that would have to wait until after my finals. I know I'm never taking this kind of load again, but in the meanwhile, drop dates have already gone by and I need to bear with it, which means no extra responsibilities like that.... And it's a dumb idea to begin with, because it would neither be able to function independently of this forum (without more work than I can afford to invest), nor be able to be incorporated into this forum on any level, since there's no way to get around younger ones going onto it, even if I can legally cop out by making people say they're yay-many-years-old before registering and reading anything on it, and I don't want to cause any problems for Laura or this place. >_<

Eh, heck with it. PMs suffice most probably in that regard. It's only a small area anyways, so efficiency is probably not that problematic. ^^;