Lost

[Guest Exiledrain]

This is the first time I‘ve ever spoken about this to anyone.

Every since I was a boy, I knew I was a woman. (ignore the irony of that statement) However, my family raised me Christian, and taught me such things were very, very wrong. I put on a dress once, when I was very little, and when they found me, they were very, very angry. To this day I don’t know why.

So, I hid it. For many, many years I ignored the deep desire to express my inner femininity. I tried to act macho for a while, but it never worked. I tried for a happy medium, and the end result was a sort of “Swiss cheese” effect, with parts of my inner girl showing. I was called feminine or girl-like many times, but while secretly I loved it, I’d pretend to get upset and throw in some comical or sarcastic remake to hide it.

For a while, it wasn’t that bad. Sometimes, I’d go outside and scream at the unfairness of it all, or yell at the tops of my lungs “YOU ARE NOT A WOMAN.“ to my reflection in the mirror. Other times, I would sink into a deep depression for weeks at a time. I became very good at hiding my true emotions.

I probably could have lived like that for a while longer, if I had chosen a less diverse college to attend to. When I arrived there, I was amazed at meeting people just like me, just as frustrated as I was. I met a very good transgender friend trapped in a woman’s body. He would cry at times, cursing his female body as well as the tears while me and my friends tried to help.

This is what started it. Slowly, the constant dull emotional pain became a sharper, more prominent one. Time after time I thought about telling someone, but I couldn’t. I had made my ‘male’ shell too strong. I had built a fence strong enough that it not only kept others away from my inner female, but it kept my true self from escaping.

My usual ignore tactics have been failing. I had always known I was a woman, but I had never truly accepted it. I still do not understand or fully accept it. I am a 22 year old senior with a criminal justice major now. I have a very trustworthy girlfriend, loyal friends and a loving family. However, I feel I cannot tell them anything because they depend on me as they see me, and I do not want to change that. I was scared that if I researched or learnt more about it, I might actually be persuaded to do something about it. I’m not fully sure why I live in such fear. I have never talk of this to anyone, nor written it down. It’s been my deepest and most well guarded secret I’ve ever had. I am very, very lost right now, and I had to talk to someone about this. It’s been tearing me apart inside for far too long, and I need help bringing my inner self out.

And please correct me for misusing terms or words. I’m very new to all of this, and I have a lot to learn, including what I‘m considered to be (transgendered, transsexual, etc). Please forgive me if I placed this in the wrong forum.

Wow, I cannot believe how much better I feel for just writing it.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Exiledrain,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You must have many questions, so don't be afraid to ask. We'll give answers to the best of our ability. Talking about it will make you feel better.

MaryEllen

[Guest Madison_Always]

hi exile welcome and if it helps i too have become good at masking my feminism but ive began to let my true self out um well if u need to talk let me know

-melanie/haley

[Guest Exiledrain]

Thank you, MaryEllen. I have many. many questions. However, I feel much like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, and I need to get my bearings before I ask anything specific. I cannot believe how many others share the same feelings and pain that I have. I knew I wasn't alone, but I never thought there were so many. Thank you.

[Guest Exiledrain]

hi exile welcome and if it helps i too have become good at masking my feminism but ive began to let my true self out um well if u need to talk let me know

-melanie/haley

Thanks, mElaniE, I didn't see your post. I appreciate the offer.