How Does Everyone Do It?

[Guest Exiledrain]

First off, I am very, very new at this. Yesterday was the first time I wrote down that I feel I am a woman inside, and I posted it here. It felt very, very good to finally release the feelings I've had for years.

I am 22 years old now, in my last year of college, and I've felt this as far back as I can remember. However, my parents raised me so that these wants and desires were 'wrong'. I have a constant fear that I'll be discovered; it's more of a phobia. I only cross-dressed maybe twice alone because of such fear, but it felt amazing wearing my inner femininity on the outside.

Every year here at college, there's a drag dance fund raiser for our gay/lesbian/bisexual club on campus where people go dressed up as their opposite gender and my friends bring me every year because of how much I protest (which is all an act). But when I was walking around wearing the female clothing and make up, it felt so right. I could never tell anyone, however, and would continually protest and jest just so they'd make me go.

But I still have that fear. I've worked so hard to strengthen my outer male shell that the real me can hardly get out anymore, and just screams in torment inside of me.

I have a very loving family and extremely loyal friends who would no doubt be there to support me and help. However, they need me. Whenever they have a problem, they come to me. Whenever they feel like crying on someone's shoulder at three am, they call me. I feel that my outer male shell is what they depend on. I never burden them with my troubles; I can usually work them out on my own.

I've made sure no one could fins out, and I've hardened this 'outer' me for so long, I don't think I can become who I feel I really am. How do you do it? When I come here, I'm amazed at the strength here that people have to actually live as they really are inside. It takes a lot of courage to be able to do that. Where do you find the strength? How do you break that shell? I feel I'm trapped in a prison I created, and I'm afraid of breaking out because others will see me. It's weak, I know, but for some reason I cannot overcome it. Maybe I'm just not ready.

Once again, I applaud everyone for having the strength to tell friends and family, and any advice would be most helpful

[Iria]

So for me, It was steady but built on steps.

I am 24 and it has taken about a year, if maybe a little more.

step one was coming out to someone I really trust. we have to start with sombody.

Next was a few other people I really trusted.

Then, was some of my closer roomates, followed by th whole roomate situation and coming out in the house.

Simultaniously, I had a couple of Gay/lesbian/glbt friends, whom I could be in my gender arround when I was over at their place. this helped take some of the pressure off.

Next, while continuing to be more and more out with roomates, I went out in public at night. Nothing fancy, just a park in our university town, where I let myself feel the fear.

Next I did it again, and then a third the same way, but this time I would skate past a group of people, deliberately letting them see me. This was a BIG step as these were strangers. Nothing Happened! they didn't even really take a second look.

Next, a few nights later, I took a BIG step:I rode the bus home. Getting home safely left me feeling somewhat euphoric and a little dizzy.

After this, I started working on day time:

We have a walking trail next to our downtown creek with some wooded areas, and I began going jogging in the afternoons as well as tennetavely going swimming in the creek (a local summer pasttime) durring the day. I would pick quiet areas, AND, IF someone happend to come by I would work on not hidding myself.

This took a while.but slowly,I got less and less afraid as I did it more.

This whole time I continued to have close friend and the support of a few roomates.

Eventually I took the bus during the day.

Also, a key thing that I was doing, was to contantly push my boundaries.

Wearing a sports bra in public is very different than wearing a string top. and wearinga string top is very different than wearing just a girly T. I would also be sure to bring a sweatshirt or other covering top, If I felt like I had had enough exposure for one day.

I would intentionally wear stuff that was climately appropreate yet more revealing, (such as a sports bra while jogging) Also,nI began wearing skirts in public slowly.

By the time school started, I just showed up wearing whatever I liked.

The acceptance at school helped my normalize it.

Durring the last days of summer I went down to the grocery store wearing a super short miniskirt and a string top like any other girl would on a nice day in a college town.

Arround this time I began to have serious conversaions with my parents some had taken place before, but these were the "money" talks as in the real big ones.

After this I began coming out to older friends who had known me a long time as well as old work friends and former employers, and this process is usually a matter of convenience, as some friends are not heard from for months if they live far away.

That's sort of where it is now.

I am out to My friends, family, school, work and housemates.

Cousins, Aunts and uncles, grandparrents; not yet, this is mainly because I never see them or hear from them except the holidays.

I also take supplements to help grow boobs.

I would not be held bacck by wearing a bikini or swimsuit to go swimming, and I certainly enjoi wearing both as well as minisirts!

YAY! miniskirts rock.

So that's my story.

I guess the main thing is to be gradual, gentle, find support with some ffriends where you can express yourself in full, and persistantly push your boundaries.

I was really suprised how much people really don't care.

Almost a non-issue.

I'd say about 99.5% of my fear was entirely in me and never manifested the ways I was terrified it would.

People really just didn't care.

Keep in mind though,you wouldn't want to go to a Hell's Angels bar in drag.

Use common sense.

But otherwise yeah, it was suprisingly fine.

I hope this helps

-Sarah.

[Iria]

Oh yeah, one more thing.

Something a friend of mine said to me really helped.

He is like this 50 year old gay guy who has been out for a long time and was involved with a lot of the early activism with gays and such.

He said:

"What other people think of me, is none of my business."

When this really sunk in, it was really powerful.

What other people think of me IS, non of my business,

People have the right, the ability, and are going to think whatever they want, about me or anything else.

I remind myslef of this when ever I catch myself being self-contious, and worrying about what others arround me are thinking of me:

It's none of my business. It really isn't, And I have been suprised how much this relaxes me. As though I am taking the weight off my sholders of having to worry about other people.

What they think is none of my business.

[Guest Exiledrain]

Thanks, Sarah, it does help.

I think before I tell anyone, I have to fully accept it myself. I tried for so long to convince myself that it was all in my head that it's hard to convince myself otherwise now that I know for sure.

[Iria]

Hey, I just noticed,

You're in colorado.

If you are anywhere near Wheatridge, that is where the Gender Identity Center of Colorado is located.

They have some really good resources incl. a library if you ever need.

They are good people to talk to too.

Also, most local PRIDE centers have a transgendered group.

I'm sure they do in Denver, and they do as well in Boulder.

-Sarah

[Guest Exiledrain]

Hey, I just noticed,

You're in colorado.

If you are anywhere near Wheatridge, that is where the Gender Identity Center of Colorado is located.

They have some really good resources incl. a library if you ever need.

They are good people to talk to too.

Also, most local PRIDE centers have a transgendered group.

I'm sure they do in Denver, and they do as well in Boulder.

-Sarah

I actually am going to college in western Massachusetts, but I live in Estes Park. I just noticed you're from Colorado too. Thanks, I didn't know that about Wheatridge. I might have to check that out.

[Iria]

Some colorado resources:

In Boulder:

Word is Out Women's Bookstore, 2015 10th st. 303.449.1415

This is actually the last LGBT bookstore in colorado. (this is actually due to the now wide avalibility of LGBT books in regular stores as well as LGBT community acceptance in general) This is owned by a very nice Lesbian couple , who are very friendly and helpful. They are sure to know some resources if you need somthing in particular.

Boulder PRIDE: 2132 14'th st. Boulder. 303.499.5777.

This is the boulder PRIDE center. I don't have the number for the Denver one or others but if you call them they most likely will.

In Denver Metro:

The Gender Identity Center Phone: 303.202.6466

3895 Upham st. Wheatridge suite. #040, 80033

There is also the Mountain Pride Connections, a free local business directory of LGBT friendly businesses.

www.moutainprideconnections.com you can probably get a copy at any Pride center.

Hope this helps!

Oh yeah, Also for schools, most campuses have a Gay Student Union or GLBT association or two!

these are great resources as well as school councilors.

-Sarah

[Guest Madison_Always]

well as far as coming out ive written a letter but have not given it to my mom

[Guest Exiledrain]

well as far as coming out ive written a letter but have not given it to my mom

Well, that's even more than I've done.

And Iria, thanks for all the info. It really helps.

[Guest angie]

Hello All...

My My Iria,you are and have been doing Exactly What A Girl Is Supposed To Do.

I find myself congratulating you clapping and smiling my face off.

You Go Girl!!!

Other than having supportive friends such as you.

I followed a very similar path...Constantly pushing my boundries,reaching a little bit futher.

And slowly,i came into my own.Now it's fun to go somewhere and relax and be just (me).

Rewarding,isn't it?

Big Hugs My Dear,

Angie.