Don't Know Where To Start

[Guest maih2nite]

That's how I feel on a daily basis, everytime I look at myself in the mirror. I found myself here because I am tired of beating myself up every day, wondering why I can't be a woman and why I don't really act feminine.

[Guest Exiledrain]

That's how I feel on a daily basis, everytime I look at myself in the mirror. I found myself here because I am tired of beating myself up every day, wondering why I can't be a woman and why I don't really act feminine.

This is why I joined these forums. I was so tired of being so frustrated at the fact that I didn't match who I was inside versus what I was outside, and I was frustrated at myself for refusing to acknowledge it. I've just joined these forums yesterday, and just declaring my deepest secret outloud to people who understand what I've been going through makes me feel better, and hopefully it'll have the same effect on you. I hope all goes well, and though I'm pretty new at this, I'm here if you need to talk or just vent.

[Guest Nichole]

That's how I feel on a daily basis, everytime I look at myself in the mirror. I found myself here because I am tired of beating myself up every day, wondering why I can't be a woman and why I don't really act feminine.

I'm not sure I understand. How do you beat yourself up?

I would guess though that you don't really act feminine because you were conditioned by your upbringing to reject feminine actions. Boys, or those declared boys, generally are conditioned that way in the English-speaking world.

To break through conditioning of a lifetime is a very difficult thing to do. It demands you question and defy things you quite probably feel are "natural." For instance, I was taught to cut my food with my right hand and eat with my left. I believe that in America you are mostly taught the other wayround.

I imagine it would be difficult to learn to eat left and cut right for many Americans. Same is true for "feminine" in how one behaves. So much, maybe all, of feminine and masculine are cultured constructs enforced by parenting, teachers, and so forth. The longer one does things, the more difficult to change one's pattern. Brains tend to be that way for us all.

With observing closely, maintaining self=awareness and determination, perhaps discovering an early you that was repressed, you may find who you are searching for. Difficult job to do. But, it can be done.

All the best.

[Guest maih2nite]

This is why I joined these forums. I was so tired of being so frustrated at the fact that I didn't match who I was inside versus what I was outside, and I was frustrated at myself for refusing to acknowledge it. I've just joined these forums yesterday, and just declaring my deepest secret outloud to people who understand what I've been going through makes me feel better, and hopefully it'll have the same effect on you. I hope all goes well, and though I'm pretty new at this, I'm here if you need to talk or just vent.

Tonight I made my best case yet, to my wife, that having plastic surgery is the ONLY way I am going to start being happy with myself. That much I know for sure. My wife is struggling with the issue of being married to a man with a different face than that of the man she met. She said tonight that she knows I am not happy with myself. She also said that it's hard for her to encourage me to do this (for the obvious reason), but that it's what I need to do.

I told her that "I am androgynous. I am not really masculine or really feminine". My face (sometimes I think my body) does not nearly match my personality. When I am look at my brother I see someone that looks like he should have looked. People often tell me that he and I look a lot alike. We don't, really, but you can see that if my nose weren't so large, my lips so full and my ears so small (I feel like am a living birth defect at the moment), we really would look a lot alike. I am not an attractive person. I don't have any friends, and *mostly* it's because of my appearance. No one is going to fool me otherwise. Every day when I meet new people I see that they are turned off by me.

I want to "turn on" people. I want friends. I want the same job opportunities as everyone else. I want to look at myself in the mirror and go "Gosh darned, I look good". I want my face to blur the line so that on days when I feel feminine I can be that. On days when I feel a little more butch my face will match me for the day.

I hope this doesn't sound wierd, but at the moment I do not want to be a woman, but I have this eery feeling that should I get the face that matches the real me, there is a possibility I could go down the path of feminism and...well....I'll just stop there because I don't want my wife to accidentally read this and think "Oh my god, he wants to be a woman". At the moment I just want to be ME, and I really want her to go on that journey with me. I couldn't imagine it being anyone else.

[Guest maih2nite]

I'm not sure I understand. How do you beat yourself up?

I would guess though that you don't really act feminine because you were conditioned by your upbringing to reject feminine actions. Boys, or those declared boys, generally are conditioned that way in the English-speaking world.

To break through conditioning of a lifetime is a very difficult thing to do. It demands you question and defy things you quite probably feel are "natural." For instance, I was taught to cut my food with my right hand and eat with my left. I believe that in America you are mostly taught the other wayround.

I imagine it would be difficult to learn to eat left and cut right for many Americans. Same is true for "feminine" in how one behaves. So much, maybe all, of feminine and masculine are cultured constructs enforced by parenting, teachers, and so forth. The longer one does things, the more difficult to change one's pattern. Brains tend to be that way for us all.

With observing closely, maintaining self=awareness and determination, perhaps discovering an early you that was repressed, you may find who you are searching for. Difficult job to do. But, it can be done.

All the best.

Nichole, I beat myself up mentally all the time, over my sexuality and appearance.

[Guest Exiledrain]

I hope this doesn't sound wierd, but at the moment I do not want to be a woman, but I have this eery feeling that should I get the face that matches the real me, there is a possibility I could go down the path of feminism and...well....I'll just stop there because I don't want my wife to accidentally read this and think "Oh my god, he wants to be a woman". At the moment I just want to be ME, and I really want her to go on that journey with me. I couldn't imagine it being anyone else.

It doesn't sound weird at all. People should be who they truly are, and not how they feel they 'should' be. I've been raised as a boy who should play sports, be strong and active, and never do anything feminine. This has made it very hard when I cross dress (which is incredibly rare). I know that I'm a woman inside, and it's hard to get past the outer me I've created to pretend I'm not. I'm afraid of expressing my femininity because I'm terrified someone will find out, (which I know is rather stupid).

It's very hard, and while I don't have much room to speak, I can say with 100% certainty you are who you are, and pretending to act like you aren't who you really are inside just makes it worse. I have 22 years of outer male I pretended to be to get through, now that I've started accepting I'm a woman.

My advice, just be you. It's the best thing you can do.