Transition Tips: Friendship

[Guest Austen]

I've been known to say that trans culture is sort of like fight club: it’s a huge secret club, and people don't talk about it nearly enough. Even the basics of transition – HRT, tips for passing, legal issues with changing gender – seem scattered to the four winds of the internet, leaving the new woman spinning in the wind. It’s hard to find simple, straightforward advice on the topic. With that in mind, I wanted to share one of my biggest tips for the new woman. It boils down to three little words:

Make female friends.

This isn't to be confused with "woman who helps you transition," or "woman who wants to say she knows a transgirl." The former is a favor by a sympathetic person, and the latter denigrates you to a status symbol. No, real girlfriends are the ones you stand by through thick and thin, provide emotional support to, vent about your problems, the whole nine. The key is to make friends with a woman who sees you as a woman – women speak to other women differently than they do to men. It’s this kind of relationship that largely defines female culture, and without it transition will be _much_ harder.

I’ve remarked on previous Bilerico posts that “crossing the gap” between male and female relies on mostly unspoken and possibly subconscious “tells” people use to differentiate males from females. If you need evidence of this: look to progressive friends when their compatriots transition. Despite the fact that they consciously understand the change, and the fact that they honestly want to pay respect by referring to you with properly-gendered pronouns, they still screw up on occasion. (Heck, I’m a trans-woman myself and I still sometimes screw up friend’s markers!) Therefore it’s extremely important to make and maintain female friends: having those connections will give you hands-on experience in female socialization, which will help you understand what it means to be a woman, and what “feminine” traits are merely garish stereotypes.

I’ve listed a few benefits here:

-Being a woman isn’t just about makeup, fashion, and voice. Having a close female friend will help you become comfortable with things that cisgendered women have done their entire lives: being open, comfortable with being emotional, understanding the purpose of womens’ “vent sessions.” You’ll slip up sometimes, sure. But having these slip-ups with a friend will make a _huge_ difference when you’re out in the bigger world. (I know that having a good friend before I went full time made the transition more like a shuffle-step than a big leap – by the time I was living full-time I was pretty much interacting, talking, and acting like a lady anyway.)

-A good friend will set you straight on many misconceptions you may have about transition woes. Things you think may be related to your transition process often turn out to be commonplace female issues. It’s refreshing and comforting to have this kind of conversation in your life. (“I’m feeling ugly and male today, and I’m doing my best to smile and act like nobody notices.” “Dear, that’s not because of your transition. Welcome to womanhood.”) Again, having this kind of influence helps you feel less alienated in the world: your trans problems may be unique, but everyone has similar issues of self-confidence, feeling pretty, et cetera.

-If you have a friend who is good with fashion, bonus points! Believe me when I tell you that women are brutally honest when it comes to what looks good and what looks horrible. The real boon with this whole fashion thing is that your friends can tell you what is and isn’t attractive about you. (For example, I learned that I have great arms and a cute back, two things I had previously tried to hide.)

-Most importantly, having female friends helps to split you from your male upbringing. Let’s face it: men and women are really from Mars and Venus, and the trans person has to travel through a lot of vacuum before they come out on the other side. Understanding things like "The look,” or accepting that it’s okay to express your feelings, or checking guys out in a big group (if you’re of that persuasion)… all these things become easier when you have a friend showing you the way.

I am convinced that having a good female friend early in the transition process is one of the _best_ precursors of successful transition. Before I ran into some good friends I had trouble passing in public – something about me still rang “sir” in people’s heads. Once I started talking with my friend I really started letting myself get comfortable with being female. Since then I’ve been able to pass almost all the time, even being called a “cute girl” on occasion. (Still not used to that one…)

What are everyone else's thoughts on this? Any other tips we want to mention?

[Guest Robin Winter]

Great tips

I've always felt more comfortable with female friends anyway, but never really got all that close to anyone. Something I need to work on.

My current employment situation makes it difficult though, I have few days off and when I'm working I'm on call 24 hours a day, so I can't really get out.

Not that I don't have a great female friend, my wife But we're still working on the whole comfort with the situation thing.

[Guest angie]

Making girlfriends(real girlfriends) with natal women,unless you work

with,grew up with them,or are young,is not that easy.Especially if you

are a middle age woman and they knew you as your old self.It takes

a while for them to associate female with you.I am refered to in the

feminine now,but that took over two years.And they(the gg's I know)

still can't get past my birth gender enough to include me in women

only activities.To women,these are sacred spaces that(males) are

not inclusive in.And they in their minds still associate my birth gender

with me.I only have two natal women who totally accept me as one

of their own.But both are married to transmen.So knowing the truth,

after watching their (girl)become a guy,opened up their hearts and minds

that I am in fact a woman.And that is so very rewarding,when the men go

do man things,and I am expected to hang with the girls.Gee how hard is that?lol

Angie

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

I know at first not having a girlfriend to talk about girl things made things very hard for myself. But in the last year and a half my sister in law and I have gotten real close which has been of great benefit to myself. Whenever we spend time together we are talking about girl things, kids, makeup you name it. I know that it has helped my development into the woman that I always knew I was.

This is defiantly true for all of us, we need to have girl friends that can help guide us through those steps and teach us those girly things that we need to know so we can pass.

[Guest angie]

The one woman who has helped me the most in attitude,makeup and

hair,is another transwoman.No other woman has been so open as to

take the time to teach me how to do my eyes so they look great.

Showed me how to roll my hair with hot rollers and curling iron.

Tease it,style it,wear it with confidence.Do my lips so that I accent

them and make them fuller and more defined.

I didn't get that from natal women and I asked.Had been searching for

how to do Something with my hair and learn the art of making up my face.

She has been so encouraging and complimentary and I admire her moxy.

Ms L may have her issues,but being friendly and supportive and willing

to share her knowlege isn't one of them.And that is the truth.

Angelique

[Guest nymphblossom]

Absolutely. My wife is my best friend and fills this void for me!

Blossom

[Guest AshleyRF]

Absolutely. My wife is my best friend and fills this void for me!

Blossom

Same for me. I don't know what I would do without her. She is my angel.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Mine too, she is the first to tell me if, in the rare event, I have somethings on that don't go together or if my makeup sucks. In many ways we are better friends now than we ever were in my old life, remember when a woman vents she isn't necessarily looking for someone to fix the problem, most of the time she is blowing off steam and wanting to straighten things out in her mind. Fixing problems is a male thing, women listen, nod, add comments and advice but unless the clue is there that she wants help correcting this issue, DON'T.

[Guest Tara7]

I would so much like to have a GG to confide in, but, i dont know if i could ever even try to confide in a female friend.

I do on the other hand agree with your comment about this being like a fight club. Not very many people including me wants to say anything about dressing like a girl. I wish we could all form a union of girls like us and stand up for our rights. Standing up for what we believe in would be a step in right direction. Can we ever do it?

[Guest LouisaB]

So many of the posts here hit on the exact things I am thinking.

Being physically one of your archetypal tongue tied males I never really developed the knack of talking to women (although when i did I felt more comfortable than talking to men), and it was my hope that my wife would be supportive - being the only GG who I was really close to. She has made it plain that whilst being 'understanding' she is backing off from acceptance, and she actually said that she could not 'assist' me in any way and that the idea of me en femme makes her cringe. She is also sleeping in a separate room now as she has this 'lesbian' thing in her head which she is obviously uncomfortable with. Still it is early days ( 2 weeks) so she may be more comfortable as time goes on.

So anyway for me, I know it is going to be hard anyway, but I really need to get myself out there, and join up with some similar girls..

So glad to be here where I can see I am not alone

Hugs

Louisa

[Guest Austen]

I guess I should clarify my statements with a little backstory; I feel like I may have offended/put people off with my original statements.

Related to making friends with GGs, its certainly a case of YMMV. I'm a younger transitioner -- started hormones at 23 -- and all of my friends were quite all right with the change. (Some of my friends even repsonded with "We kind of expected that out of you.") Since that time I've moved in with a GG and her fiancee, and we've hit it off over the past few months. This result is, admittedly, rare.

Sorry if I put a high importance on it; I understand that it's a difficult thing to achieve. It's just been an indispensable part of my transition, and I wanted to get the idea out there.

[Guest Oasis]

This thread really reminded me one of the reasons why I want to come out to my one best friend that is female (all the others are male as they were my friend set of people I could really call friends and I've been with them since the start of middle school). Even more since she's been dying to get me into female clothing since she met me.

[Guest Syamantaka]

Hey, I have not read anything yet on Dancing, whats up?