Hello, I'm Confused

[Guest Molko]

Hello everyone, I have just come across this site in my usual search for gender identity information. Looks like a wonderful place. Thought I'd just tell you a few things about myself, and why I am so confused.

I'm 20 years old now and born a male. For as long as I can remember, every single day, I have felt I am meant to be a girl. My earliest memory's involve playing with my sister (not my brothers) and getting into the dress-up box my mother had for us, containing super-hero costumes, army stuff, dresses, and generally 50/50 boys and girls stuff, I always used to go for the dresses. Until I started getting told off, and avoided it all together, I used to ditch my dad's fishing trips and instead play with my sisters Barby and Ken dream-house (I loved that, it was so cool) until... I got told off.

I've never had an interest in sport, I find myself attracted to boys just as much as girls... and at times more so. I have had thoughts of killing myself several times a week, but I will never do it, in the hope that one day I will sort out whats wrong with me. I'm small and petite, often times been told my mannerisms are feminine without even realizing I'm doing it.

I just don't know, because I have a girlfriend who knows I'm a little feminine, but loves me none the less. At times I feel If I was not with her I would be living full-time as a girl as much as I could. Then, at times, to fit into my gender role, and because it's comfortable not to be teased or ridiculed, I'll slip back into acting like a man... but it feels like... surreal... like I'm an actor sort of. I envy girls, for there natural biological gifts, that they can fall asleep with a man protecting them, uh. It makes me so sad, I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.

I hate the hair on my face. I used to shave every morning, put on makeup, eyeliner, foundation ect, and I've been told by other girls that they wish they could do makeup as good as me, even asking me for tips... but then, the long hair, nails, makeup... after a few months I could no longer take the constant bickering from male 'friends' so I slipped back into my gender role.

I sound horribly depressed I'm sure, so I'll leave it there, I just wanted to reach out because I don't know where I am at the moment, and I know I need some sort of help, but I'm so scared.

In love and peace.

Molko.

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's. I hope we can support you as you find your answers.

[Sally]

Welcome to the forums,

I have a plate of fresh cookies and some hot cocoa for you so have a seat and wait here for the others to drop by and say hello.

There is no hurry to figure everything out life is not a race.

Welcome to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Molko]

Thank's I love hot chocolate! I feel better now I have found this place, your all so kind and understanding, I wish people outside of this site were the same.

*takes a sip of her hot chocolate*

[Sally]

Just wait a while until you have met more of the family - you will be amazed.

We are global so people come in and out all night long and all day long, it is a wonderful community of caring and loveing people who find a hard time sharing their love with so many of the people they see day to day so they come here and get the chance to be who they really are and express themselves freely.

No need to be shy, you are among friends.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest angie]

Well Welcome Molko,

Welcome to the Playground where you will get lots of support from your sisters.

I do know where you are coming from,and so do many many here.Ask most any

question,and you will get to meet lots of the men,women and teens who will be glad

to give you an answer.So you have come to the right place my dear.

Once again,Welcome to Laura's Playground,a place that becomes like a home.

Warm Soft Hugs,

Angie

[Guest Molko]

Thanks Agie, your all great I have today booked to see my GP about getting a refferal to a good shrink. It's going to be scary, I'm gonna break down when they ask questions, but I know I'm going to feel so good to just get it all out.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Thanks Agie, your all great I have today booked to see my GP about getting a refferal to a good shrink. It's going to be scary, I'm gonna break down when they ask questions, but I know I'm going to feel so good to just get it all out.

Good morning, Honey!

Welcome to our community...you'll find lots of love and support here as you already see....

Now......you are doing the VERY best thing possible by getting to a gender therapist!

Then you can work out your feelings and figure out exactly what direction you need to go in....I think that you'll find it very enlightning!

Let us know all about it ....OK?

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Robin Winter]

Thanks Agie, your all great I have today booked to see my GP about getting a refferal to a good shrink. It's going to be scary, I'm gonna break down when they ask questions, but I know I'm going to feel so good to just get it all out.

Yep, you gotta be honest and open, it's the only way to progress. I tried to get around telling my GP the reason I wanted my referral, but I wasn't getting one until I did. I could have made something up, BUT (and this is important) I've done that SEVERAL times growing up, and you know what happens? You don't get referred to the right person. Not one of those times did I get in to see someone I felt I could actually talk to. But, finally being honest about it, my GP went out of her way to find the best possible person for me, and you know what? She really did. My gender therapist is not only a specialist in this field, but he's also the foremost active advocate for trans rights in our province, and gives a lot of his time organizing events and such, and has innumerable resources within reach. He also happens to be a great guy

So good luck with your appointment. I hope it's not too late for you to read this before you go. I'll shout just in case...*BE HONEST!!!!!!!!* You'll thank yourself for it, I promise. I can't promise THIS appointment will go well, but when you come out and say it, in person, out loud, you're not only asserting yourself to someone else, you're also creating that affirmation in your own mind, and it starts to get easier, so you have the courage to forge ahead and be who you really are!

And always, *ALWAYS*, be good to yourself.

*Big Hugs*

Shi

[Guest Shane_82]

I don't have any awesome words of wisdom... But I can give ya a warm welcome... So

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest erikka2046]

Hi Molko,

Welcome You will certainly find lots of support and answer here.

Luv

Erikka

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hey Molko

Welcome to the family.

LUV

Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Molko, and welcome to Laura's!

I believe you have already seen just how friendly a place this is, and there is lots more where that came from.

You are on the right path in seeking professional guidance. A therapist won't give you the answers, but will help guide you

so you can find them for yourself.

I wish you all the luck in the world on this amazing journey to find your true self.

Ask questions, post your opinions, and ask for help whenever you need it. We'll be right here.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Amanda joan]

Hello Molko,

I am glad you are here. You have found a wonderful place to sort things out

Enjoy everything there is here to experience.

Peace & Love Amanda