Let's See If I Can Brave Up And Tell The Truth?

[Guest phxbrising]

Hey all!

Some of you know me from the SO forum...well I left some tasty bits out of our story over there....*blushes*

Yes I am a genetic female, yes I am the mate to a M2F fabulous person. My own story has some twists and turns in it too....

This is so hard for me because my mind says "it's ok for everyone but me." and I KNOW that's logically rediculous...but it is what it is.

All of my childhood I dressed like a boy, wore boys hair cuts and most adults would mistake me for a boy. THOUGH...I would correct them and be upset because "clearly" I am a girl. I have always been rather dissociative and "day dreamy" all through childhood. I didn't have friends really to speak of, I prefered to day dream in my bedroom. I'm sure my parents thought I was masterbating, but that was never the case. Never. I didn't explore my own body until I was an adult. (which now looking back...I find very odd.)

I was mostly girly and bubbly in high school...then in my young adult life i was in a commited relationship with a woman and all of my clothing and hair choices were just chalked up to "she's a a small levee"

I met my current mate and my whole world flipped. She was very honest with me about her transgender nature and I think it was probably the first I'd heard of it "close up and personal" I mean I was part of the GLBT community but that "T" was just a letter. Never met anyone who was (that I knew of, or talked about it with.) A few months into our relationship I hit distress. I started looking up many things related to gender online. Options, choices, ect for F2M. I grew increasingly frustrated because it just...didn't QUITE fit...(It was just a little to the left as I often say..) so...I purged. I stopped wearing any "masculine clothes" (which included any and all pants, weither they were boy or girl cut.) and was "happy" for many years. I wore skirts, long hair, very feminine feature and generally enjoyed myself.

Recently (a month ago..Sept 10th) my mate broke. The bell went off as they say and transition started. Like a bolt of lighting in fact!! I often get triggered and thrown into some dysphoria when it comes up for my mate, but I was doing a really good job of focusing on her, and not making it about me. Then she brought up "my stuff". And like a cork out of a wine bottle it's all out on the table!

But...I'm confused. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want anything! I feel mostly andro...F2M still doesn't fit, though the idea of wearing a packer is interesting to me, and I'm finding my breasts obnxious, frustrating and I'm not ok with them. (They're DDDs. There's no hiding these babies.) I don't know if I'm just going through a "phase" or if I'm really dysphoric.... I know I find the whole idea threatening and scary and if I didn't have gender issues...it wouldn't bother me would it? It would just be a non issue. *sigh*

I'm REALLY good at denial. Like...class act at dissaciating from problems so it wouldn't suprise me if this has just been lurking in the shadows of my conciousness. I know I know...I need a gender therapist. I quite agree. However...in the TINY town I live in, there aren't any. I'm in therapy currently (for non gender issues) and my therapist has been supportive of me as the mate to someone who's transgendered but I'm REALLY worried I'll get thrown off her case load if I come out as...gender questioning. (no. I can't say I'm transgendered. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't do it.)

Anyway...this is long enough and if you got through it...gold star for you!!

[Sally]

OK, I want my Gold Star!

Seriously, I know how difficult it is to come out of denial about being transgendered but if you are eventually you will have to but in your case there is the very real possibility that you are just a 'tomboy' having severe sympathy pains for your mate.

I am not a therapist but I have seen similar situations before and empathy can be very powerful.

Wait a bit and see how you feel once your mate's transition has gotten a little further along and it is not the absolute only subject discussed (we can be a bit obsessive).

If you are still feeling rather androgynous or even FTM then it will be time to discuss these feelings with your therapist, they might even ease your depression by bringing it into the open.

I admire your courage for opening up to us and I assume that your mate will be totally accepting and supportive of you as you are of her.

Take a little more time to work things out - this isn't a race to see who can transition the fastest and besides she's got a pretty good head start already.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi honey

Kinda funny how these things happen, you can be just fine one day and then something triggers that need and confusion sets in.

The best advice I can give is to take your time and be comfortable with the decisions you make. I don't think there is a single person that wishes that they couldn't transition earlier after they were certain about their decisions. But I'm sure I can speak for just about everyone that if they would have rushed and made the wrong decision or went to fast that they did/would regret it.

I'm happy to see that you are considering a gender therapist, they are the only ones that can ask the correct questions so you can find the answers you seek. I truely hope that you are right and don't need hormone therapy and/or surgery to make you feel comfortable. Either way we are here for you.

LUV

Jean

[Guest phxbrising]

I was mostly girly and bubbly in high school...then in my young adult life i was in a commited relationship with a woman and all of my clothing and hair choices were just chalked up to "she's a a small levee"

Um...that's not what I typed at all. I don't have any messages telling me I'd said the wrong thing but I'm unsure if I should correct it if what I actually said was offensive or "not PG13" so I'll try it another way. "She's a a small levve" should have read "she's just a lesbian" (though..hem. I used another term.)

*gold star* for Sally lol.

[Guest phxbrising]

Oh, and Sally...I quite agree...empathy can be a VERY powerful thing and can do some tricky stuff to our brains! I won't be jumping into transition, that's for sure. First off...I don't think we could handle it as a couple to have both of us on a totally new set of "brain food" (hormones). And I'm just not willing to take the risk that I'm wrong. Nope...as painful as this confusion is...rushing into the wrong choice is not going to fly. I'm not willing to go there.

I've had many episodes of dysphoria or dysphoria-esque feelings that were seperate from my mates depression or GID related duldrums. So it's not always been the case that she's triggered me. Often is the case, and is the case now...certainly, but not always.

[Guest Ryles_D]

There's a lot of other options gender-wise. I'm not really sure what your experiences are enough to guess, it does sound like you might not be FtM (you might be) but you could be an androgyne or something else. Here's some other options that you might want to check out since you might not have heard of them. And obviously this isn't all there is, gender is an extremely diverse thing. Sorry if it's way too long, I should really put this on a web page somewhere.

Non-Binary Gender- a gender identity that doesn't fit into the male/female binary. The binary is basically the idea that everyone is either male or female.

Bigender- 100% male, 100% female- fully male and female, typically switches between male and female. Sometimes there's grey area in between, sometimes they have a very distinct male and female side with no middle ground.

They're ideal body/presentation would be one in which they could switch from male to female according to their gender. Obviously that's impossible, but most find a more androgynous appearance helps calm the dysphoria they feel as the gender opposite their body without upsetting them as the gender that matches their body.

Androgyne- 50% male, 50% female- Androgynes are a mix of male and female. An androgyne is generally most comfortable mixing and matching. Some androgynes want a full beard and a nice set of breasts, for example, but that's not a common goal. It seems like what androgynes want physically is a lot more individual than the others, because they all have a different mix of male and female.

Neutrois- 0% male, 0% female- Neutrois could be described as a lack of a male or female identity- but it is a gender identity. Most neutrois want to nullify themselves- Flat chests that could either be a non-muscular male's or a flat-chested female's, neither set of genitals, etc.

Genderqueer- basically, any gender that could be qualified as queer, or not in the norm. I think Bigender, Androgyne, and Neutrois all qualify as genderqueer- but overall it's anyone who feels their gender identity doesn't fit any of the current options.

Genderless- Without a gender. Basically, genderless people don't feel strongly anything. From what I've seen, most don't understand gender and generally assume that everyone just goes by what they're taught, and get fairly confused by transpeople because "I don't feel particularly male or female, so how can you feel so strongly that you'll risk that much?". They'd probably be fine if they were plopped into the opposite sex's body, and the only reason I've seen why they wouldn't is because then they'd have to relearn how to act.

*numbers are vague. You don't have to match that exactly, it's just a general guideline of roughly whereabouts these fit.

[Guest phxbrising]

Thanks Ryles! I'd seen these terms used before (mostly on the andro section..lol.) I really identify with both the definitions of bi-gender and/or androgyn. (though more bi-gender) you should definitly put all this into a website or maybe a pinned thread in the andro section

[Guest Ryles_D]

I don't know if I'd be allowed to do it in a pinned thread, but I can post it. ^^;

On your therapist- maybe you could ask her if she treats trans people? It might help you figure out if she'd be willing to keep you on if you're gender questioning. Hopefully she wouldn't drop you for that, especially since she's fine to talk about your partner, but it is scary to come out for yourself.

I can also suggest a good site for questioning when you don't think you fit "male" or "female" if you want to check out that, too.

[Guest phxbrising]

Well I went to therapy and she practically clocked me. Normally I wear all skirts, I've recently cut my hair really short where it used to be long and pulled into a pony tail. (the new hair style is more andro and it's my avatar picture) I was also wearing my overalls and a mans shirt...so she all but called me out on it as I was catching her up on all that's been going on with my mate. My therapist responded to all I had to say with "and now your dressed like this" and started laughing. I fought back the tears...I've never dealt well with being laughed at (even in jest....) and so I came out with some of my thoughts that I've shared here. She bascially brushed it off as part of "normal" and didn't really seem to need to pursue it or ask me questions about it any further. We reverted back to talking about my mate for the rest of the hour. As I have no desire for transitioning on any level RIGHT NOW....we'll see if that kind of treatment is ok long term. She didn't kick me out...at least there's that.

[Guest Ryles_D]

That's not the greatest reaction to have from a therapist about anythng. :/ At least she's helping you with your mate's transitioning, so going isn't a total waste.