:( The Weirdest Day Of My Life.

[Guest Adrian]

My housemate made an attempted suicide. I held her while she cried and rambled in Bulgarian asking for her Dad and ex boyfriend. She was soaked through in alchohol, vomit, sweat and urine... She overdosed on antidepresents, cut her arm with a gigantic kitchen knife and boaund her arm so tightly that the paramedics had to cut her free because her fingers were going blue. All through the asmbulance ride, as soon as she can talk coherent English, she's telling me things like; "Ady, you're smart, you understand the world."

I don't understand the world.

I just hear and see things other people think and feel, then parrot them back to other people in different situations.

After she was in the hospital I went back home and cleaned her room; bloodstains off the door and walls, tore about fifteen partially written suicide notes out of her diary, washed and dried the sheets, sterilised the knife, pre-soaked the sheets with blood on, scrubbed the mattress, cleaned the floor and sprayed air freshener. It was only later where I smelled the detergents on my clothes where it finally got to me.

I feel to young to handle this. Or is it two old? This would be the firast time I ever had to do anything that intense. The knifes are still soaking in a bucket in my room. I don't want to go near it. I have a draw full of pills I confiscated.

Suffice to say I couldn't sleep... I was awake for 28 hours. I started smoking again and sat up watching trash TV with a guy I didn't know. Can't believe this was the same day i went to the doctor and got a referal, then came out to a friend.

The guy I was with put his hand on my knee. First I ignored it, then it got a bit to obvious, but it felt ok. He was hugging me too. I asked him if he was coming on to me. He asked me if I minded. I said I wasn't sure; I usually only like girls. But it sort of felt nice being near him. Then he kissed me and it didn't feel nice anymore. I could feel the hair on his upper lip and arms, and he tasted like nothing. It was like that with the last bloke I kissed, but not with the last girl I kissed. I felt in a bit of a panic and I didn't know what to say toi him. Eventually I said I wasn't sure and I didn't want to lead him on, and he said that was ok.

I feel guilty I let him get that impression, and I also feel sorta violated. I shouldn't, that's stupid because after all it's not like I was forced. I just don't understand why there was a moment there where I didn't mind. I know I don't like men. I just figured there wasn't any harm in checking. But there is harm - I feel a bit sick. Sometimes I think I'm not ready for adult contact. My one girlfriend was underage so nothing ever came of it. Sometimes I think I did that on purpose so I was safe from any kind of expectation (in my mind).

I don't know. I'm sort of generally confused, and generally lonely. Even if he were female I don't think I can do relationships right now. How can you appreciate someone touching you if you feel like your own body doesn't belong to you? I'm just glad he didn't go for my chest. I would have completely freaked out.

I'm sorry this is all so depressing and emo. I just feel safe talking about all this here... Everywhere else I feel like i'm required to just pretend like I never mess up and mothing ever messes up around me that I can't control. Feel sort of like I have to hide it all to feel like a male. But I can't do it all on my own.

[Guest angie]

I am sorry that you had to witness your friends attempt to end the pain and

suffering she is experiencing.But am so glad you were and are there for her

as a friend.Know that you saved her life,and I hope you can find peace within

your mind for the things you have seen.That you didn't mind the man coming

on to you,after knowing you prefer the ladies,is all right.It is healthy to have

self doubt and find out once and for all who you are and who you want to be with.

Hard Hugs for being there for a friend in real need.

Angelique

[Carolyn Marie]

Adrian, you shouldn't have had to see what you saw, and do what you did, but...

you're being there, and taking care of business, and knowing what to do, saved a

human life. For that you deserve the world's biggest HUG! Feel good about yourself.

So many people would not have cared and might have turned away. But not you.

That makes you someone special!

This is probably the wrong time for you to be sorting out your emotions and feelings

about gender and attraction. Take your time, get over the trauma of what happened,

and your feelings will sort themselves out.

You seem to have a good head, and I know you have a great heart. That combination

will lead you only to good things. I wish you well.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

Ady, Honey.......

The whole experience was just awful, but, you're my hero......

What an incredible person you are...keeping your head about you while everything around you was going crazy....

I do admire you....

I know that after the fact, the enorminity of the situation overcame you.....

That's to be expected from anyone, yet you went about cleaning everything up ....

And like Carolyn says...the gender issues are for later.....

You deserve a BIGG HUGGGGG!

LOVE!

Donna Jean

[Guest Mr.Yoav]

It's alright, Adrian. You're safe here and we care.

You should not have to see that.

I don't think there is an age where people can really understand this.

But either way, you must be really brave, and dude, don't give in. Keep your head up high. You're a really brave young man.

[Sally]

Ady,

You will be alright, you are a very strong young man who has been tested to near his limits and that is why you didn't stop the man sooner.

Do not be hard on yourself you did a great job of saving your friend and cleaning up all of the signs before she comes back.

Anything after that ordeal is just beyond your control, thinking clearly after a trauma of that proportion and so little sleep is not easy at all.

Nothing worse happened so give yourself a break, you deserve it.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Zabrak]

You shouldn't have to deal with something so dark but you did and you helped someone. I think you should be proud of yourself. Not everyone can do something like you did. Give yourself a pat on the back for that. However, be careful not to let her end up using you for your kindness. There is helping someone then there is being used by some one. It is a fine line but you need to find out when to draw it.

[Guest Adrian]

hey guys,

Thanks alot for all your comfort and wisdom. I truly do feel better about it all. I still wish it didn't happen though; any of it.

What bothers me the most now is that I didn't save her life; I wasn't the one who found her. I didn't hear her call out. I had my headphones on in my room. If it were left up to me she could have died.

...

[Guest Zabrak]

It was not up to you to save her, but comforting and helping her after she got help was very nice of you.

[Guest DeniseNM]

Adrian don't put yourself down for not being the one who found your friend or heard her cry out or what not ... you were the one who was there for her and that is what matters. As far as how you were feeling afterwards and all, don't let it get you down either. What you were going through is known as shock. I am sorry you went through all of that but you will be stronger for it and you should be proud of how you have came through it, you are a very special person for helping your friend in all the ways you have.

Denise

[Guest Mr.Yoav]

Dude, it's okay. You weren't really expecting this (by the way it sounds), so don't blame yourself for not lookng for it.

[Guest Adrian]

No... I really wasn't expecting it...

Hate to repeat myself, but truly the weirdest day of my life. Not even the worst, because some good things happened as well.

But you know just... A mind job. I hope none of you ever have and never will have to see that.

And again, thanks for your support. I only hope it's true that it's made me stronger.

[Guest Natalie92]

What bothers me the most now is that I didn't save her life; I wasn't the one who found her. I didn't hear her call out. I had my headphones on in my room. If it were left up to me she could have died.

...

But Ady, you were the one who was there to pick up the pieces after the incident. Believe me, she will thank you for that.

As far as the incident with the boy goes, my guess is that you were shaken up and just wanted some comfort. It's all OK for now though. Your friend's in the hospital where they are going to make sure that she doesn't get hurt. If you still have trouble sleeping, maybe going to a hotel for a couple days to take a vacation (or 'holiday' as you say across the pond) to clear your head will help. It certainly can't hurt. Seeing your friend attempting suicide is a terrible thing to witness. Take some time and calm down.

Hugs

Natalie Alexis

[Guest Adrian]

But Ady, you were the one who was there to pick up the pieces after the incident. Believe me, she will thank you for that.

As far as the incident with the boy goes, my guess is that you were shaken up and just wanted some comfort. It's all OK for now though. Your friend's in the hospital where they are going to make sure that she doesn't get hurt. If you still have trouble sleeping, maybe going to a hotel for a couple days to take a vacation (or 'holiday' as you say across the pond) to clear your head will help. It certainly can't hurt. Seeing your friend attempting suicide is a terrible thing to witness. Take some time and calm down.

Hugs

Natalie Alexis

Ahh... I can't really afford a holiday but it's ok. LP is enough of a break for me. Having said that, I guess I am in a public computer room at two o clock in the morning... To be honest when she came back home yesterday afternoon there wasn't much talk about the whole ordeal. It was all so unpleasent I think we all wanna just forget it happened. She just sorta said sorry for the sixty billionth time, kinda sheepishly, but that's enough for me. I know the shame you can feel when you put other people through worry when all you wanted was to end your own pain.

Still, if I ever see that boyfriend of hers again, I think every one of us in the house is going to take turns trying to knock him out...