Social Phobia/anxiety/depression

[TassieTiff]

Hi Folks,

Over the course of my transition (M2F) I have progressively become more social phobic and anxious when away from home. I am reasonably intelligent and realise nearly all phobias are irrational and over time and with support can be overcome and mastered. I have good days and bad days, as we all do, but the good days are now few and far between. I would love to have a support network of friends I could 'lean' on from time to time , but nearly everyone I know has the same or worse psychological problems. Spending so much time on my own I often dwell on whether ditching what was a fairly successful life as a 'pretend male' to be the real me was such a good idea. And yet I would rather be dead than go backwards now I have come this far. Have burnt all the bridges to my past now and painted myself into a corner. Well meaning friends give advice designed to get me out of the rut, but they can't see the world through my eyes.

Social and financial pressures, not to mention chronological age and health issues, are getting to the point that full GRS is starting to look like nothing more than a Dream, rapidly becoming a nightmare. It is 5 years since I was in a relationship of any kind and over three years since any real intimacy. Having just discovered this place maybe now I can find someone I can actually talk to about it as people the least bit conversant in GID issues are virtually non existent in this area. I went and seen a psychiatrist about it and it was no real help.

When I do go out I dress androgynous (Stealth) so as not to draw attention to myself, spend as little time as possible in places that are crowded and do grocery shopping Etc: at times when I know the shopping centres will be dead quiet and I slip in and out as quickly as possible. I thought as time went by it would become easier...I was wrong.

Any advice would be appreciated

Hobart is the capital city of Tasmania but is a small town really about 200K within a 50 kilometer radius (30 miles for the US readers). there is no Gender support groups. There is no GLBTI 'Scene'.Feedback and comments from the negative people I have interacted with has robbed me of any self confidence I did have at the start of this journey. Crazy part is... as a MALE I had more front than a MACK truck. That is all history, water under the bridge.

I get scared, lonely and emotional all the time and wonder is this as good as it gets? If so, Do I really want to continue living like this... IF at ALL...

Sorry this post is a Downer

I have no alternative venue to 'vent' and let off steam

Not sure this thread is in the right section of the forum but no doubt some MOD will move it if it isn't.

Regards, Tiff.

[Sally]

Well it is not an uncommon side effect of transitioning to become even more socially reclusive.

I tend to keep to myself a great deal more now than before but it is not a phobia just a choice, once I have gotten into my Real Life Experience and am out to everyone I will get back out there.

Most people allow themselves to become paranoid about being around people.

We have been able to help a few through this but mostly it requires a good deal of just telling yourself that you can do this and must do this - like when you first decided to transition, you just have to.

Social anxiety is just another phobia and must be dealt with like any other - head on and making yourself aware that it is only fear and not fact.

Nothing will happen to you if you go out among people you might catch a cold but other than that nothing much.

Try thinking of it like that.

Love ya,

Sally

[TassieTiff]

Sally,

Sad part is, everything you are saying makes sense and I realise it, but the anxiety is debilitating and feels real. I have to be OUT OF everything before I venture out shopping or paying bills. The shrink I saw about it labeled it Borderline personality disorder...When I have company I am extraverted in public often to the point of being embarrassing. When I am out and about SOLO I hide in the shadows and avoid scrutiny. NO.. it doesn't make sense.... I know it.

[Sally]

Oh yes it does!

I am the same way - alone very shy and in a group I am outspoken and borderline obnoxious - no comments from Dee Jay or Lizzy on that one.

I have been dealing with those same issues for a long time I wish that I could say that they go away but they never do - you just have to make yourself do what you need to do.

It is a struggle every day but it is worth it because when you get home you can be proud of yourself as well as having gotten what you needed.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Oh Tiff,

Ooooo, I want to HUG you so close. Sweetie, yes, vent and say what is on your mind. Honey, when you feel that no one is around you that you can talk to, remember that you can always talk to us

Just know that we all care about you Tiff!!!

Love

Brenda

[Guest krisspykriss]

I get social anxiety at times. I will be looking pretty and fairly passable and yet I will have difficulty going into stores and such while dressed female. the other day, I was all over Indianapolis in girl mode and was addressed as a female at all times. Not one mean look or giggle that I noticed. I was walking on air I felt so good. So good, I went into a lingerie store and asked to be fitted for my first bra. They were very nice and sweet. I got all the help I needed and more. It was a great day.

So the next day I needed to go shopping for a few winter clothing items and I couldn't force myself to go inside a store. I looked the same. I was just as passable, and yet I couldn't go in. There was no reason for it.

Just the day before I was so excited to go to the next store and see how well I passed. Did people make me? Yes, but to the best of my knowledge it was only ones I interacted with (my voice needs a lot of work still) and they were so nice regardless. I was feeling so good I was planning on going full time in my small rural home town as soon as I got home.

The next day, it was all different. I had no confidence. I was so scared something might happen even though not much of anything negative has happened in a long while in girl mode. I dont think most people make me anymore until we talk. I just sometimes get so paranoid for no reason.

I don't know how common this is, but this has been my life lately. It doesnt make sense and I need to get over it somehow. I just don't know how yet.

[TassieTiff]

Krissy,

That's my Problem too.... Confidence comes and goes... Some days you feel so damned good you wanna get Tarted up and go out and take on the world.... Others you just feel like hiding in a corner some place. and it Hurts....AND it isn't like I started transition yesterday.... I have been doing it in public 7 1/2 years....I'm often left wondering 'is this as good as it gets'? Some times..... Frustration and Attitude just takes over..... AND you say to yourself STUFF-IT.... If they can't accept me as I am... it's there problem not mine.... But the stares and whispers and the giggles in the distance all seem to be pointed your way....

I Have a Full wardrobe full of clothes.... I WANT for nothing... BUT every time I dress to go out... I think to myself.... CAN I get away with 'THAT' where I am going.... AND more often than not, I dress down so as not to attract attention to myself...

My love and best wishes to ALL

Tiff

[Sakura]

the way i take it, it is one of the most common phobias to have as a trans person your changing from one social structure to another so social anxiety is bound to happen but interaction is how you fine tune your self so there is no friction between you and the rest of the world

i had it a bit when i first came out i just forced my self to go and do it if i came to a place were i was nervouse or felt like i might get skittish i would sit in my car for a moment smoke and extra cigaret take a deep breath and do it i have found the best way to beat a phobia is to do it first and get the courage after, that way when it confronts you again you can say "hey i already did this once i can do it again !!!" do it and say it,do it and say it til you need no pep talks any more

i have lived so far beyond my comfort zone that i dont even have one any more

Sakura

[Guest nymphblossom]

Sakura wrote:

i have found the best way to beat a phobia is to do it first and get the courage after...i have lived so far beyond my comfort zone that i dont even have one any more

Sakura, you took the words out of my mouth- I do the exact same thing!

Blossom

[Guest viv]

Hi Folks,

Over the course of my transition (M2F) I have progressively become more social phobic and anxious when away from home. I am reasonably intelligent and realise nearly all phobias are irrational and over time and with support can be overcome and mastered. I have good days and bad days, as we all do, but the good days are now few and far between. I would love to have a support network of friends I could 'lean' on from time to time , but nearly everyone I know has the same or worse psychological problems. Spending so much time on my own I often dwell on whether ditching what was a fairly successful life as a 'pretend male' to be the real me was such a good idea. And yet I would rather be dead than go backwards now I have come this far. Have burnt all the bridges to my past now and painted myself into a corner. Well meaning friends give advice designed to get me out of the rut, but they can't see the world through my eyes.

Social and financial pressures, not to mention chronological age and health issues, are getting to the point that full GRS is starting to look like nothing more than a Dream, rapidly becoming a nightmare. It is 5 years since I was in a relationship of any kind and over three years since any real intimacy. Having just discovered this place maybe now I can find someone I can actually talk to about it as people the least bit conversant in GID issues are virtually non existent in this area. I went and seen a psychiatrist about it and it was no real help.

When I do go out I dress androgynous (Stealth) so as not to draw attention to myself, spend as little time as possible in places that are crowded and do grocery shopping Etc: at times when I know the shopping centres will be dead quiet and I slip in and out as quickly as possible. I thought as time went by it would become easier...I was wrong.

Any advice would be appreciated

Hobart is the capital city of Tasmania but is a small town really about 200K within a 50 kilometer radius (30 miles for the US readers). there is no Gender support groups. There is no GLBTI 'Scene'.Feedback and comments from the negative people I have interacted with has robbed me of any self confidence I did have at the start of this journey. Crazy part is... as a MALE I had more front than a MACK truck. That is all history, water under the bridge.

I get scared, lonely and emotional all the time and wonder is this as good as it gets? If so, Do I really want to continue living like this... IF at ALL...

Sorry this post is a Downer

I have no alternative venue to 'vent' and let off steam

Not sure this thread is in the right section of the forum but no doubt some MOD will move it if it isn't.

Regards, Tiff.

Hi Tiff, Viv again .

We spoke earlier in a thread I started and I found your advice good. Gee, you are a little"on yer own" there , sorry for your troubles as they say.

Just an idea Tiff but have you ever thought of moving say to a more populated town or city where you can find friendship with women like us?. In the morning I am

going to visit a trans woman friend of mine who is living outside Dublin , I try to visit once a week as she likes the company, thing is she is going to move to our

capitol asap as the life outside the city is too lonely and that aint good for her. At 60 years she says she is not too old to "uproot" as she plans to be around till 90 at

least. Moving can be a big deal I know but if its worth it than I would go for it . Ya never know girl, could be something nice waiting for you in the city. Viv.

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Sally,

Sad part is, everything you are saying makes sense and I realise it, but the anxiety is debilitating and feels real. I have to be OUT OF everything before I venture out shopping or paying bills. The shrink I saw about it labeled it Borderline personality disorder...When I have company I am extraverted in public often to the point of being embarrassing. When I am out and about SOLO I hide in the shadows and avoid scrutiny. NO.. it doesn't make sense.... I know it.

Actually, this is me all the time when I go out in public in girl-mode. I'm so afraid that people will know I'm natally male. Having to talk to people is worse. Cashiers always want to be friendly ("Hi, Welcome to Whatever! How are you?"), but I fear that speaking will be awkward. I have no vocal training so I'm going to sound like the stereotypical transvestite you see in the movies. Plus my mannerisms aren't quite up to par. Years of being trained against my natural grain (I used to be really female as a child, though my parents deny it) have put me in a now awkward position. My ex used to tell me that I looked, to other people, like I was stealing something or preparing to rob a bank or something. This is because I'm looking all around me for people staring at me or making fun of me. Being trans is very difficult and takes a lot of work to get right. Honestly, I feel there should be "rehabilitation" centers everywhere that helps trans people become who they are on the inside. Kind of like going to a Yoga school or a personal trainer for fitness. But alas, I digress.

.Anna

[TassieTiff]

Hi Again Viv,

I sent you a message...... Take a look in your 'box'.... OK... points one at a time in reply to your post here.

I lived in Sydney for 45 years and don't miss it ( 5 Million people there)...I have had friends in Tasmania who have ripped me off financially or alternately weren't entirely honest with me and as a result of that have built an emotional wall around myself . I have PTSD... not everything has gone according to the script down here. As far as intimacy goes... I gave it a try, had a F*** Buddy... wanted more than what was on offer and kicked him to the kerb over 3 years ago, He was a Married guy and I didn't think it was fair of him to make me complicit in her deception and there has been nothing and no-one since... Don't miss that either. I want to finish this journey prior to even considering the acquisition of a S/O. It is all too complicated while the Ambiguity remains.

Read your mail when you get a chance.... AS the forums are not meant for letter writing

Regards, Tiff.