Autoandrogynophila? / What Do I Do?

[Guest Wanderer]

I'm 18 now and having trouble understanding who I am; where I need to be, and despite the fact that the legitimization of autogynephilia makes me courageous enough to admit this, it doesn't feel any less wrong, though I try to keep an open mind. Sexually, I find the idea of keeping my penis (Don't laugh or boo people, it's a perfectly legitimate medical term.), even trying to enhance it, but possessing an otherwise female body, really arousing. At the same time though, I often feel like I want to live as a girl, and MIGHT not even mind losing my penis if that were necessary to do so. Still, I find myself uncomfortable with the notion of not having it. Maybe I'm just used to it, and afraid of the change? Maybe there's nothing wrong with wanting to be this way at all, even though it seems pretty obviously sexually based to me. Still, I can't help feeling this way.

The physical problem isn't all of it though. I have to admit though, I don't always FEEL like a girl. I never really feel like a GUY though. You might say sometimes I don't want a gender, and sometimes I want to be female. It's more complicated than that though. That's just the simplest way I can think of to explain this.

When I was growing up, I hung out with girls and boys alike, and didn't tend to differentiate, so long as they were smart enough to talk to, and weren't mean to me, but boys did tend to get along with me better, because, I am mildly autistic. I'm a high-functioning autistic, note, which is essentially the same as Asperger's syndrome (which I've also been diagnosed with, amusingly) from what I've read and seen, and people who think autism is a simply a kind of complete mental retardation, or that I'm going to be like Raymond from the movie Rainman annoy me to no END. But, to get back on track here, girls, whom tended to be more socially adept, were bothered by my poor social skills and capacities, and would (not always, but often) shun me. So I never did fully learn firsthand what girls were like back in elementary, but I do remember wanting to wear girls' clothes when I was still quite young, though I didn't know why, because most girls I knew seemed to be either stupid or mean or both, and I certainly didn't want to be that way. The ones I knew usually were, though I wouldn't have known if they weren't, because I had to invest my fluid logic skills in place of social skills, and still have to focus really hard trying to understand subtle signals from people when we first meet, and to not act stupid when trying to hang out with too many people I don't know well enough.

In any case, eventually I hit puberty, and slowly came upon all this grief over wanting to be a "crossdresser", as the porn industry has coined it *grimaces at the thought*, and experimenting with my older sister's clothes, which I'd already done when I was younger without knowing why. In longer time, I went on to high school, and started meeting more mature people of both sexes. Before that I pretty much didn't open up to or REALLY like anyone. I had a couple friends I hung out with, sure, but they didn't know me, maybe because I was ashamed, or maybe because I didn't know myself either. Hell, I know I STILL don't, but in high school, I started at least getting some ideas, and started meeting people I felt I could trust, and usually I could. It helps that I open up easily. That's how I used to evaluate people. I didn't care if people knew my slightly less personal secrets and didn't like me for them, so telling them to people made for a nice way to see if I could get along with them well when they got to know me better.

Sorry, I'm getting way too off the subject.

Point is, I met this nice girl, whom eventually became my best friend. She was simultaneously very odd, and very social, and very sexually open and aware, in a more conversational than physical way, though she did lose herself sometimes with a cute girl (her fiancee is only okay with that for her if it's with another girl, heh) and she liked me quite a bit, probably just as a friend, though given my previous parenthetical, I may never know for sure. She helped me find myself, in many ways, and accept my deviance from the norms.

Even LATER I met my (now ex-)gf, and the very first day we met (or rather, I should say "hung out," because we had had the same computer science period for almost two years, but she was two years behind me [mixed-level classes], and didn't really talk to me much beyond the occasional 'hello') I opened up to her about how I am, and she said she felt the same way. At the time I used the term "quasitranssexual." It was really something. We also kind of had reverse-traditional gender roles, when we decided we wanted to date, which happened amazingly fast after that. She held doors for me, she comforted me when I was stressed or emotional. I did the same for her, but usually she stayed strong, and didn't want to show her weak side to me as easily as I showed mine to her. It was really weird, but felt great. I wanted to die for a long time after she dumped me, because she was too busy with her education to give me the attention she, for some reason, felt she had to give me, and honestly wasn't into me as much as I her. v__v

Now I'm really confused though, because I'm so busy with being a college freshman and everything, I'm not sure I have the time to worry about something like this at all, nevermind the morality of what I think I want.... How can I be sure, after all? I'm only 18. At the same time though, I can't help being impatient. It's hard to get things done, with all my friends seeing me as a guy, which I really dislike (if not quite hate), and the problem of whether I want to start a transition that will ruin any chance of keeping a fully functional penis, or try to find another way to feminize my body that won't do that to me, even though I don't have the time for the research for a stunt like that.

Should I just try to forget about it for now, and wait until I have more time to deal with it and have had more time to figure it out? If I wanted, I could probably take more classes now, and few enough later on to be able to tackle this while I still have the benefits of the social interaction of university (You know, just so I can know whom my friends really are without having to go through such awkwardness as "Hey James, you remember me? Yeeeaaahh.... it's Jason, but uh... call me 'Alex,' if you would" for every friend I thought I had in college that I wanted to try to keep.)... but it would be more than a little hard, and I DO also have ADD, which I prefer to try to overcome independently of medication, since although it is kind of bad, it's not severe enough to require prescriptions.

Between having a high IQ* and being autistic, I think my sense of gender is pretty abstract in my mind. I often prefer the idea of throwing away the gender binary entirely, but I can't help what I want, and what I've been taught, and the more I try to throw it away, the more it keeps coming back, little by little. Even if I got away from the ideas in my mind, it wouldn't change how other people feel, about how I act, about what I want for myself and in a lover. Where I live in Texas definitely isn't the worst place, but it's still Texas (though I admit that Texas is getting slowly better in many places), and there are still ignorant people everywhere, some more hateful than others.

*Irrelevant note (but I felt like an donkey talking about having a high IQ): My IQ's not all-around great actually, there are different skill sets with their own scores in a proper IQ test, and I score miserably at physical/hand-eye coordination related ones and any tasks requiring quick writing (~75-90, as I recall), but I score quite high (~120-135) in realms like mathematics, fluid logic, and such, which gives me an overall average IQ score, or actually a little low. The reason there's not much focus on the different subscores is that most people don't vary anywhere near that much, but I've got all kinds of things wrong up there.

[Guest Wanderer]

Oh no, I'm sorry! =/ I have a little bit of a bad habit of cursing every now and again. I'm afraid I don't see any way to edit my posts though. Oh dear, I would've preferred 'jerk' or 'butthead' over 'donkey', and definitely over "an donkey".... Oh well.

[Guest Kara PK]

I'm 18 now and having trouble understanding who I am; where I need to be, and despite the fact that the legitimization of autogynephilia makes me courageous enough to admit this, it doesn't feel any less wrong, though I try to keep an open mind. Sexually, I find the idea of keeping my penis (Don't laugh or boo people, it's a perfectly legitimate medical term.), even trying to enhance it, but possessing an otherwise female body, really arousing. At the same time though, I often feel like I want to live as a girl, and MIGHT not even mind losing my penis if that were necessary to do so. Still, I find myself uncomfortable with the notion of not having it. Maybe I'm just used to it, and afraid of the change? Maybe there's nothing wrong with wanting to be this way at all, even though it seems pretty obviously sexually based to me. Still, I can't help feeling this way.

Mkay, this is like exactly how I feel except what I highlighted in red. Which is weird. Autogynephilia seems like the thing that I have, but I hate my penis, which adds so much more confusion into what I am. What I highlighted in green is true for me, but I hate getting aroused in general because of what I stated before. So yeah, I'm confused like you. :]

[Guest Wanderer]

Oh don't you worry. You're just fine. Both research I've read and asking many of my friends personally seems to indicate that autogynephilia is just about equally normal for ALL women. If you hate your penis, well, it probably isn't much of an issue at all, though I'd still get counseling to be sure. Thanks for the empathy though, and I hope I've made you feel a bit better / more confident too. =3

[Guest Wanderer]

Oh you're fine, trust me. From what research I've read and from many of my closer female friends I've asked personally, autogynephilia is normal for women, transsexual or otherwise('cisexual', is the word I think?), though I'd still seek counseling if you haven't. Thank you so much for the empathy though, and I hope I helped you feel a little more confident too. =3

[Guest Kara PK]

Aw thanks, I feel a bit betterrrrr. But I can't really tell you anything other than you should do what you feel is right. Cliche, huh? :]

[Guest phxbrising]

I think it's perfectly normal to worry about loss of sexual function. While it's not EVERYTHING it's certainly SOMETHING. Right? My mate is M2F and that was a huge concern for her...she didn't want to lose sexual function for fear it would strain our relationship. There are hormone combinations that the doctors can find to be able to keep your sexual function. I think seeing a gender therapist is ubber important to sort out your unique way of thinking (due to the ausperbers brain) and your thoughts on gender. Just so ya know...my dear mate is high functioning autistic as well. I see that quite abit around here actually...and high IQs seem to actually be a proven point within the trans community so your not alone there either

We've got a great area for people who are (as I say..) "in the grey" meaning they don't feel they fit either M2F, F2M or cisgendered. That's always a great place to test the waters I think. Androgynous, bi-gendered (such as myself) non-binary, nuetrois. We've got it all!!

[Guest Wanderer]

@ Kara: Yay! And that's alright; it's very good advice. Sometimes I need to keep that in mind. Xd

@ phxbrising: Yeah, it's weird. I guess I often feel like I'd be best described as bi-gendered, between androgynous and female, which is really weird I know, and it's a slight stretch off the original meaning of the term "bigender", that's the easiest way to describe how I often feel. That is, based on situation, I like to either throw away the notion of gender, and play an androgynous role (or in the physical sense remain unidentifiable as male/female), or play a femme role in the situation (and have people perceive me as female). ^^;;;;;; But maybe that's just an exaggeration of the normal behavior of anyone identifying as female. Still though, I feel it's more accurate to describe myself in that light. Not sure why.