Lift Up This Mattress For Three Hours While I Yell At You Because You Are A Man.

[Guest Queen SweaterHead KS]

I was born on December 13 1992. I was not born vaginally. A brain tumor was discovered on the left side of my cerebellum in 1995. It's removal erased the memories of my first three years of life, which isn't really a big deal, nobody ever remembers that. My grandfather had died a few months ago. The removal of the tumor caused me to vomit frequently so a medical shunt had to be implanted. Also, my motorskills were, and still are, severely impaired. In 1997 They started buying me Legos. This is the most intelligent decision They've ever made. Telling me that boys weren't supposed to play with Barbie dolls was one of the least intelligent. After 2002 nothing They did was intelligent.

In 2002 I started 4th grade ans went to a school thirty miles away from my house so I had to wake up early. Grandmother drove me, so I had to wake up really really early. Up until then I acted vaguely effeminate and "gay" insults were thrown around for some reason. I guess I cared so I stopped expressing myself. At all. Everyday Mother asked me how school was and I always told her it was bad. For some reason she assumed this was hormones. Despite the fact that I displayed absolutely no emotion or individuality whatsoever, the "gay" insults persisted until 2007 when I accidentally punched a guy in the testes (trying to hit his stomache) and for some reason this shut Them all up about my sexuality.

In 2006 my family moved because the landlord's daughter had recently had a divorce and wanted to come home. The brain tumor had made me incredibly physically weak, but despite this They constantly told me that I had to do most of the work during the move. Practically all of it. They seemed to understand that it was killing me, but They just told me that I had to do it because "You're a man and We're not." After the move, They decided that I only existed to do Their hard labor for Them. Whenever They needed something lifted or carried They would either yell my name from across the house (and then scold me for "ignoring Them" when I don't hear Them) or wake me up because I'm sleeping. Now I have insomnia. Insomnia and deafness.

I told Them that I was a girl. I told Them that I was a lesbian so that They wouldn't simply think I was gay. Mother just said "And I'm a Gay Man trapped in a Woman's Body. Figure it out." I picked up a dismembered table leg and was about to kill her but she told me to drop it so I did. Apparently Mother actually had at some point been diagnosed as a ftm (though only because her lesbian therapist was in love with her and wanted to date her) and simply believed me to have Münchhausens. Grandmother... is mentally two-years-old but as senile as an eighty-year-old is supposed to be. Neither of Them treat me like a woman, or acknowledge that I am one in anyway. The years They spent reminding me that I was a man for no reason whatsoever led me to believe that I was more than spiritually supposed to be born a woman. I believe that somehow Mother had something done so that I would be born male. She tells me many times that she's always wanted a son.

I have a cold. I'm dizzy. After I stop having a cold and being dizzy, I'm going to start working on things. But I just spent Nine and a Half hours writing a very incomplete autobiography thing so... yeah.

[gennee]

Thank you form sharing your story.

Gennee

[MaryEllen]

You're among friends now who don't doubt for one second that you are anything but a woman.

Welcome and thank you for sharing with us.

Hope you feel better soon.

MaryEllen

[Guest Kayliegh]

Don’t worry about being second guessed here at Laura's -

We are all in some stage of self-affirmation, and it doesn’t matter where you feel you are - just know that you're loved by us!

BIG HUGS!!! - Kayleigh

[Guest skyy]

welcome. i'm terribly sorry to hear about what you went through, but you dont have to be treated like a man any more, at least while you are here. this site is a reprieve, and an eye-opener. i'm sure you will find you have a lot in common with many brothers and sisters on this site. i know for many of us, all of us to some degree, pain is part of reality, but together as a community, i think we can overcome anything. it may sound cheezy, but i swear to you it is the truth. good luck to you. i hope you get to feeling better soon.