Tomboy, Or Something More?

[Guest Mikami]

Before you being reading this, I'd like to point out that this is really the first time I've ever opened up about this, so I'm really sorry if it seems like I'm holding back here. I'll try to be as open as I can be.

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a guy. Plain and simple. Ever since I learned the difference between boys and girls (At first, I honestly didn't know there WAS one until preschool.), I always knew that I somehow wasn't meant to be a girl. All the girls in my preschool class were very giggly and easily disgusted by things like dirt and worms, but I never understood why. I had always been the girl to play with the boys instead and, although I used to cry a lot, would have a lot more fun playing on the jungle gym with the boys than hanging out with the girls. As a matter of fact, looking at my old pictures, I've discovered that I've only ever seen myself once in a dress, and that was for a school photo back before I had a choice. Anytime after that (i.e: My uncles wedding, communion.), I had to be bribed into one an then change the minute I was allowed to.

Even in Grade School I was very picky about who I hung out with. I remember very clearly on one birthday I had in particular I was only supposed to invite girls and had an extremly difficult time doing so. When the time came for all the girls in my class to watch 'The Movie' for the very first time, I had to beg my parents to let me play gym with the boys instead, something in which I had a great time with. Back then, I thought it was only because I was scared to learn what was happening to my body, but as I sit here and reflect, I realize that deep inside, it's only because I wanted to be a boy and not have to become a woman.

I always had scoffed when I saw girls playing with Barbies. To me, paradise was a good video game or running around and helping my dad with yard work. I remember that I'd not only like to play pretend with the boys, but we would play army games and Starfox, if any of you know what that is. ((Oh man, I feel like I'm calling you all old! I'm sorry! xD)) When I was forced to play house or something like that with the girls, I'd always want to be the son or, as degrading as it sounds, the dog. I'd rather crawl around and get my pants dirty then be the mom. I just hate the idea of being a other, a wife, or a 'strong woman' (A woman with a 'male' profession, like a lawyer for example.)

Speaking of motherhood! (This is the most important paragraph, in my opinion.) I know that I'm way too young to be talking about having children right now, but to come down to it I think everything about it is simply disgusting. Even know I feel dizzy when talking about the female sex organs because, not only do I find them distusting, but the fact that I have one is truley naustiating to me. (Check paragraph two for more details). Needless to say, I simply don't want anything going in or out of there, including intercourse. To come right down to it, I'd much rather be the one...uhm...you know. (( I really don't know how to phrase that without it sounding too scientific but safe all at the same time.)) However, I feel that my love for guys would stay, but when it comes down to what's down ((Ho ho, I'm hilarious)), I just can't stand being a woman.

However, I don't know if I'd be willing to go through the operations. I think I'm really just identifying with the male gender itself, which is where I get confused. I don't know if I'm just a transgenderist or wanting to be a full-on FtM. You see, I've never liked any female identifications- Like She, for example. The word she to me just sounds weak. I also despise words like 'pretty' and 'beautiful.' The ultimate compliment to me would to be addressed as 'handsome'; a Nice, strong, and masculine word. I do have long hair, and I hate when people play with it- as a matter of fact, I've only recently started wearing it in a VERY, VERY low ponytail, and ninety percent of the time the reason is because I didn't have enough time to brush it in the morning. Like said before, I've never felt comfortable in a dress, skirt, or skort and I don't own make-up. To me, the whole idea of looking 'pretty' is just a huge waste of time for me, and I know that I'll never be able to fully identify with other girls. I've even considering legally changing my name to 'Colin'.

So, to finish this post off, does anybody know what I really am?

[Guest Rika-chama]

You sure sound transgendered to me. What made me realize that I was trans was the fact that I am disgusted with my female genitals (but I still like other females ) and cringe evertime I get called a she. Remember that transitioning doesn't always mean that you have to go through the operations. There are many trans people that do not get them and are happy. From what you are saying I do not think you are just a tomboy but a male You need to find what will make you happy and do it. You need to dig deep inside yourself and find out if you are truly a guy, I had a tough time figuring out what gender I was and for awhile was very confused. I am sure that you will figure it all out soon *hugs*

Ni-paa~

[Guest Mr. Fox]

"Only you can know who you are." (not actually a quote, but it sounds like something a counselor would say, doesn't it?)

I stand by the above, although this has a tinge of FTM. Some parts towards the end there remind me of my early questioning days. Reflect, and when analyzing the past focus less on gender stereotypes like clothing (some girls hate dresses and the like) and more on hate of female pronouns and the like.

Also, what is with the popularity of the name Colin among transsexuals? It's an okay name, but . . . why?

[Guest Ryan]

Hmm.... In a lot of ways you sound a lot like me. I actually did play with dolls as a kid, although in a different way than my friends, and mostly as a medium for making up stories. I hated actually playing "with" them; mostly I'd just set them on the ground and look at them while I made up a story. However, I preferred to play with my brother's toys, and used to sneak into his room to do so. I never had to deal with the sex ed situation because I went to a Catholic school that decided to ignore the whole issue altogether, but I hated puberty once it started happening, and I wanted it to stop and give me back the androgynous kid look that I'd had before. I have refused to wear girls clothes since puberty hit and I have my long hair in a low ponytail (though I hope to cut it soon). I, too, am kind of questioning my identity. I can't really see myself ever having surgery, or at least not bottom surgery, but I definitely identify as more male than female. I also don't like the pronouns and adjectives that go along with being female. However, I don't think anyone can really tell either of us exactly what we are or how we should identify. That's something each of us has to figure out for ourselves. Sometimes it helps me to just step back and stop trying to label myself. Sorry I wasn't of more help. I guess I started this post thinking I would have something more helpful to say, but apparently not.

[Guest Rika-chama]

Fox is right in saying that you are the only person that truly knows who you are. Sometimes that's hard especially when you have no idea what the heck you are. He's also right in saying that don't think so much into stereotypes but hatred of pronouns, your genitals, and being viewed as a woman. I know I used to have a friend who hates dresses, kept short hair, hung out with the guys, and did motocross and she was happy as a girl. If you truly hate your female self then maybe you really are a guy.

Oh, and Ryan I used to play with Barbies but in a different way too. I would make them have sex And you wouldn't want bottom surgery? I would love so much to have a fully functional man boy thing. To each their own they always say.

Ni-paa~

[Guest Mikami]

Thanks for your replays, everybody! It's very helpful to me.

Thanks for the huggies, Rika. -Hugs back- I'm actually not too crazy about the 'bottom surgery' myself, as disgusted as I am- I have this thing where I'm scared of going under the knife for any reason, so I know I'd probably freak out in the end. But yyyeesss, I would *love* to be a fully-functioning man.

Actually Ryan, I used to do the same thing, except with my stuffed animals, which was something I prefered over dolls. When if came to making up stories with them, their house normally got crushed by a dinosaur or something of the like. xD And, you were actually VERY helpful, I'm happy to se ethat we identify with eachother!

And is Colin really that popular? o.O

[Guest Mr. Fox]

I swear I've heard FTMs who want to be named Colin a million other times. Or maybe two. Just ignore me, even though I give awesome advice apparently.

[Flint]

I was gonna post a few days ago...i mean replly. But....i have nothing more to add because it seems others have stold my words already. Oh dear. Oh well. It means i can go back to sleep now.

MB.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

Yeah, you sound transgendered to me. But you decide what you want to do.

I don't want the bottom surgeries because the current ones are made of fail. If they were good I would get them as soon as possible.

Some traits I have are still feminine. But that's okay, I'm just a man with some feminine traits, and all men have SOME feminine traits. Don't feel bad at all if you have any; it's just you, no matter what.