Sadness

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hello Jennifer,

I would love to know what stage /how long you are transitioning.

Hi Viv. I haven't really done/begun anything - well, other than seeing a therapist. But in my heart, I began a long time ago. Just kept it to myself for so long.

I have told my wife.

Sorry if I sound silly in all this.

You know, I feel like my childhood was stolen from me. I should have been a little girl. And I should have grown into a woman.

[Guest Jennifer T]

When you say a piece of musica touches your heart? 'Is not true! Your heart, your brain, all of you is a biological body which houses the Soul of life and to this is the Real You! So when a piece of musica touches you and you feel like to cry? It has reached within you and touched 'Your Soul!' Musica comes from the Soul! Not the heart! I am from Brasil, I know!

Tchau Bela.

Isabella.

Hi again Isabella. I was reading back through this. There is much you've said inyour post that I wanted to think on.

I'll start here. I think when I say "heart", here in my culture I am referring to my soul - that deep place that is 'me'. So when I say a piece of music touches my heart, it touches me - the person I am in the eternal. So I understand what you are saying. And you said it very beautifully!! Thank you.

You also asked me what gender I am inside. I am female in my soul. But my body has lived a long time as a male. I've had to be one. I've had to live as a man because my world demanded it of me. Because my world, that one I grew up in, would not accept me and would not let me continue to express who I truly am. I was only a child in that world. But the messages given to me were strong and taught me that I was not safe to be who I am. My young life was volatile. I had to be a man to survive it. And I had to push 'me' deep inside.

I grew up and married a beautiful woman and together we've rasied two beautiful children. We're given them a peaceful and loving home and they have grown to believe that they are free to express their hearts as they are. Noone can take that from them and I would never reject their hearts. They are truly beautiful.

But noone has ever known the woman I am inside. My wife knows me well, but it was a very carefully guarded part of me. I did not let her into this part of my heart; my soul, until very recently. And I am affraid that she will not be able to accept me.

Anyway, back to music. Music is the one thing that transports me to whereever my soul truly is. I get lost in the beauty of music. And I love the female voice. When I was young, before puberty, I had a feminine voice. I wanted to sing. People woudl comment then how pretty my voice was. And those comments were some of the very few things that were positive when spoken about my femininity. I was ecstatic when someone said anything about me was pretty; even if they meant it to be negative.

Puberty stole even that from me. It gave me a deep voice and took from me my ability to express my heart through song. I can sing, technically. But I hate my voice.

If I could be any person, I would be Sarah Brightman!! She is sooo beautiful! And her voice is incredible!! That is what I wanted to do when I was a little by (girl). I wanted to sing like that. And I wanted to be beautiful.

It is hard to be stuck in this body. It is hard to find any beauty in it. I cannot. And when I see it in the mirror or hear my own voice on a voice mail recording, my heart sinks.

As you said, I know my body is only a portal for my soul in this world. But I so wish that portal had been something more in line with the heart within my soul.

Again, thank you for you kind words to me. The resonate with the beauty in you.

Jennifer.