Great Indecision

[Guest Amanda joan]

Hi there,

I have to be honest I feel like I need to rant. I have had a roller coaster ride of emotions for the last few days and I can't keep up with all the voices spinning around my head. I have felt that I need to transition for a long time. I have been working with a GT for a short time. I have pain in my boys down below for months and I am very frustrated with my Doctor. I just had my pre-HRt physical and blood work done with a different Doctor. I thought I was ready to go and now I can't say that I know what I want. I am very concerned about my two kids. My Daughter is having a hard time with the separation and I not doing as well this year as last year. My son is do well in school but, I am concerned about his drive to have a serious girlfriend. My ex-Wife is convinced that telling the kids now is going to change them is a not good way. I had a dumb moment last week were I refferenced my being TG in a E-mail that went out to serveral people that I had not come out to yet and one of them has a teenage daughter that is a friend of my Son. I also was published in the Washington Window this month under Amanda, in the letter that I wrote in a response at an Episcopal Transgender web site that I was on a few weeks ago. I did not know that they had forewarded my letter to the magazine to be printed until friends started calling me to say how much they liked my letter. It is hard to say weather this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. My friend Cindy who gets my Daughter on and off the bus for us everyday is a phsycologist. She and I talked today and she is upset with me moving so fast and also feels that my trasition will hurt my Daughter. I know many of you have counciled me about my pace. I am worried that I will never find peace in my heart. I feel pain no matter which way I turn. I chest feels as if it could explode. I want to cry but, I don't seem to be able to. I want to do what is best for my children but, I fear that if I don't do something I will become very depressed again. It sucks knowing that you are the cause of pain in the lives of people you love. I don't know if my children will ever be ready to hear that their Dad wants to become a woman. I feel pretty sure that they are not ready now. I will be paying for theraphy for them and myself for the rest of my life they way things seem to be going now. This is all just swirling together and I am sorry if it does not make any sense to you all. I keep getting these great highs and then I crash down the next day. I know that although a few of you think I look good ala Femme, I have a very masculine face that will not change allot just from hormones alone. I also do not have thousands of dollars to spend on plastic surgery. I have been trying to figure the money out and I just don't know how I am going to make this work and if I did would that be all it took for me to be happy. Does a 40 something Tg women have a good chance of finding someone to love? I sometimes think that I don't care about that. Who am I kidding, we all need someone to love and to be loved. That being said if I do nothing where am I then. I don't seem to be able to love a woman the way a man should and I don't really feel like a gay person other than that I would like to have a man love me but, only when I am a woman. To make things even more confussing today I recieved my blood test results in the mail. I have no idea how to read this report and the Doctor did not indicate why he had sent it to me. Does this mean he found something that would prevent me from starting HRT ? I have no idea.

Well like I said I needed to rant. I hope that this will make me feel better eventually.

If you have any advice I think I could use some tonight.

Love Amanda

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi honey

I read your post and I see you only seem to be focusing on the negative aspects. Perhaps you could take some time and think of the positive things that you are experiencing, maybe write them down and refeer to them when your not feeling well. And those negative events that have/are happening, please try to find the positive side to them. Like if your childern find out about you, that would be an excellent time to have a talk with them if you haven't done so by then. Just explain that you were still trying to find out just who you were at that time and didn't want to worry them. Kids are usually much more accepting that we could ever imagine, things will work out Ok. But you have to look for the positive so you can find solutions and prepare, dwelling on the negative usually gives you negative results.

Hope this helps

LUV

Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yeah, Honey.....

Jean has got it there....

And one thing to remember is that kids are like saplings...they will bend a very long way before breaking...there are much more adaptable than many think...more accepting, too!

You are dwelling on everything that can possibly go wrong...and 90% of what we worry about don't even happen!

Money for transition?

Heck, Girlfriend...I had saved up over $2000.00 in just pocket change for my electrolysis...I used that all up and now I'm scrapping more together...it's all doable, Honey...

Do like Jean says and make a list...put down the positive things and keep it with you!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Amanda joan]

Do like Jean says and make a list...put down the positive things and keep it with you!

Donna & Jean,

Thank you.

I knew I would get some good advice from you ladies. I am starting to bounce back. I just got off the phone with Lollipop my X and she and I are agreeing more now and she is happy that I have recognized my daughters situation. I have decided that I need to slow down and get my relationship with my kids right. I need to be more present and supportive. I need to put their needs ahead of mine. I can find ways to keep myself happy that won't hurt or confuse them. HRT can wait a few months and I am okay with that. My time line is flexable and I need to recognize that as long as I am making a little progress the train is moving in the right direction. I have found joys in the last few weeks that I did not ever think I would expirence and I will savor those moments.

I love lists:

I have found this place. That's a good thing.

I have been able to go out as Amanda and have fun. That's a good thing!

I have more womens shoes then mens shoes now. That's a good thing!!

I plan to attend the Gala next month in the gown my friend gave me. That's a goood thing!!!

I have two wonderful children that I love very much. That's a great thing!!!!!

I feel better already!

I have always said that this place is like free theraphy. Here it is in black and white. I need to get some sleep now. Sweet dreams to all.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest Donna Jean]

Do like Jean says and make a list...put down the positive things and keep it with you!

Donna & Jean,

Thank you.

I feel better already!

I have always said that this place is like free therapy. Here it is in black and white. I need to get some sleep now. Sweet dreams to all.

Peace & Love Amanda

You go to bed and get some sleep.....OK?

Sweet dreams, Sweetheart!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

My dearest Amanda,

Shhhhh dear Let me just give you a warm hug and know that I am holding you with love. I know that you feel guilty and responsible for your separation/divorce. I completely understand your concern for the welfare of your children. I was where you are at right now back in the early 2000's.

OK, sweetheart take a deep breath and let's take this all one step at a time. Right now you are just in complete overdrive with worry.

Let's start with the divorce and your kids.

Kids have a great capacity to understand the dynamics of relationships. When my ex and I told our kids that we were getting divorced, my eldest was 17, my middle one was 13, my youngest was 9. My middle one said... "yea, I am not surprised", then they all chimed in saying that they knew that this was coming. There was a sense of relief from everyone that this issue was now out in the open.

From what I have noticed since my divorce is that children really do want their parents to be happy, and will accept divorce if they understand that it is for the best. Kids still need to feel secure and that both parents love them and will continue to support them. Both my ex and I worked very hard to ensure that our kids were still loved and supported, and that no one was going to abandon them.

I am sure that you are an awesome dad, and that your kids love you. Having your kids know that you love them will provide them with the assurance that life is going to be OK. Kids just need that reassurance.

Transitioning and coming out

Sweetie, I know your sense of urgency and impatience to transition when it all hits you so clearly. Gosh, when I was where you are at now, I would have done anything to poof be a woman now!! Unfortunately, for many of us (especially us older folks whose lives are extremely complex) we cannot be impatient, nor impulsive. If it is any consolation, the incredible sense of urgency does subside and you will become clearer in your thinking about your transitioning.

I do not know what you have told your children at this point, but I would suggest that let them absorb one thing at a time. Let them get through the divorce and stabilize in their new life style. After they are settled, then talk to them about being transgendered and what that means.

Also, be careful about coming out to those you are not ready to come out to. I know, I have made some blunders in my life, but timing is very important in ones coming out. Basically, be yourself and let the ground swell grow. Don't be flamboyant, but be yourself. In time, you will see the appropriate situation to come out.

Take your time!!!

Blood work

I am not exactly sure what is happening in your specific situation, but typically one gets a copy of the blood test, with your numbers compared to the ranges specified for various enzyme levels etc.

When I got a physical for life insurance, I got the blood report too. It probably does not mean anything, just a courtesy.

You feel that you are on the fast train to transitioning. I am sure that you wish you could transition today. Well as you are discovering, it is not anywhere that simple. Get through the divorce, make sure your kids stabilize, take the advice of your therapist..... Above all, take your time!!!

Transitioning can be harmonious, but you have to allow it to be harmonious.

Love

Brenda