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[Guest AlexanderG]

Some people have all the luck.

They have non-divorced, non-addicted, non-abusive, yet loving parents.

No illness or death touches them or those close to them.

They are smart, they get the schooling that enables them to expand their minds.

They have their friends, their hobbies, their health, their wealth.

The world is at their feet.

The kind of people you just might envy a little bit.

I am one of those people.

I have a friend who's been molested, who'se parents are divorcing, and who's dealing with personal chronic illness.

I have a friend who's been abused by her alcoholic (and now, thank goodness, absent) father.

I have a friend who's little brother died of bone cancer when he was 12 (and my friend 15).

There's people with real problems out there, and I am so blessed.

Then why - why the frigging crap - can't I just appreciate everything that I have (so much) but ruin it all by coming up with stuff like eating disorders and gender-nagging?

When really --- there is NOTHING wrong. NOTHING. My plate is set, my dinner served.

Gosh. Sometimes I feel that Alex should just stop HER friccing whining and get real and get on with HER life. You were born a GIRL, Alex - and one with all the luck in the world - so just frigging DEAL with it.

[Guest qRachelp]

Hey Bud,

I don't know about that.... If I would have transitioned when I was closer to your age, I would have had a much more fulfilling life. As it is, I'm scrambling to be the woman that I am with the years that I have left. If you think you might be male, don't deny it, like I denied my true self as a woman for so long, EXPLORE it. And don't let too many years get by you before you know for sure who and what you are.

If I may, I'd like to suggest you taking a school counselor into your confidence. And if they can't actually help you sort things out, they can connect you with someone who can.

Love,

Rachel

[Guest AlexanderG]

I have a counsellor. It's the talks I have with him that unleash all these thoughts I don't want to think about. Like... it's all just so entangled and confusing and . Well crap. That's what I feel like. And even more so for bothering others with it instead of sucking it in and moving on.

I don't KNOW if I'm male. I know I'd want to be, but I don't know if I am. I don't want to want to be. But at the same time I don't want to 'solve' this by, say, female hormones that'd make me feel more feminine. I don't want the pain I'll cause my family, and the anxiety, and the talking and thinking about stuff from the past that gets me emotional.

I just want to be a guy, crappit. Not in 5 years, with supplements and surgeries that 'make do,' but yesterday. Or last year. Or with birth. Not because I then would've fitted in perfectly, but at least... I don't know. I could've come out to my parents as gay when I was... well, years ago, and get past that, and by now I'd be fine. Or so I imagine.

OK. that was me flat-out ranting. Ugh. I just feel like crap right now.

_zips it_

[Guest Donna Jean]

Alex......

Honey.....

Thursday in the US is Thanksgiving....

It's also a day that everyone can count their blessings....you have many...

You are a lucky person as am I....

Think about it, Baby.....

You have a lot ...with a long open road ahead of you...

Please don't discount that.....OK?

I love you.....

Donna Jean

[Guest angie]

I went through a time of personal commitment...

Two people that I loved deeply were dying of terminal illness.

I put my want and desire to follow my heart and become the

woman I am on hold for a few years.I learned what really is

important and how to put myself second.Once my loved ones

moved on,I was free to follow my heart again,my obligation done.

You are young and your life is in turmoil.There is time to discover

who you truly are,but now is not your time yet.The feelings of being

wrong gendered don't go away.But you can put him on a shelf for

now until your life settles down.There may come that time when you

will embark on your journey of self discovery again.And Alex the man

will take his rightful place in this world.

Empathy and Understanding,

Angelique

[Guest AlexanderG]

Donna Jean, Angie,

thanks for reading and responding.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Okay, to conclude on a bit of a lighter note this thread.

I had a miniature cry at the psych's today, about 5 of them, and was able to not really cry by - well, not sure how.

By not telling everything I felt, I guess.

_deleted much blah because this isn't a friccing journal_

I left there feeling like crap and wondering why the frick I'd agreed to seeing a sexuologist & a psychiatrist. But somehow I started feeling a lot better after an afternoon of reading, writing some emo-stuff, talking to a very happy friend, and going to theater class.

& then this clear and wonderful thought:

To cross each bridge when I get to it.

Let's hope I can keep my ameliorated state of mind tomorrow (I've been feeling like crap since Friday eve, so it's been long enough).

[Guest ~Brenda~]

My Dearest Alex,

Being Transgendered has nothing to do with how otherwise good your life is. Transgenderism crosses all ethnic groups, and social standings. Being transgendered is a fact of the human experience. I completely understand your sens of guilt, but don't feel guilty hon. Being transgendered is very real and will not just go away. Gosh, I know, I tried. Tellign yourself your a "girl deal with it" will only carry you so far, and then it will no longer have any meaning. You may fool yourself or a day, a week, a year, 10 years, or more, but the fact still remains, the day will come when you cannot deny who you are anymore. I would suggest that you talk to someone professionally at your earliest convenience to explore your gender identity issues. In lieu of that, for the meantime is to please continue to post here about your feelings, and allow yourself to feel those feelings. You know something about yourself. Let's talk about it.

Love

Brenda

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Okay, to conclude on a bit of a lighter note this thread.

I had a miniature cry at the psych's today, about 5 of them, and was able to not really cry by - well, not sure how.

By not telling everything I felt, I guess.

_deleted much blah because this isn't a friccing journal_

I left there feeling like crap and wondering why the frick I'd agreed to seeing a sexuologist & a psychiatrist. But somehow I started feeling a lot better after an afternoon of reading, writing some emo-stuff, talking to a very happy friend, and going to theater class.

& then this clear and wonderful thought:

To cross each bridge when I get to it.

Let's hope I can keep my ameliorated state of mind tomorrow (I've been feeling like crap since Friday eve, so it's been long enough).

Oh I missed this later post

Sounds like you are in a better place now hon Cool!!!

If you ever have doubts again, re-read this thread of yours

Love

Brenda

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thank you very much Brenda, for your wonderful words.

Alex