Advice On A Good Problem

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Ok now the entire world knows that I have come out as both trans and lesbian to my lovely and accepting wife. The last one didnt phase her one bit, I had forgotten that sometime in the past I mentioned to her that I felt that way. Now for the problem, how do we recapture the emotional closeness that we once had. For the past year we have been in separate beds, in separate rooms and have essentially been two people sharing a house with nothing but a friendship bond between us.

Over the last few days I have started sending her little notes again, bits of my verse, and have given her the occasional kiss on the forhead or cheek. Holding hands with her when we are out is difficult because she needs a cane to walk with and that means both hands are taken one with her purse and the other with her cane. Despite all that has happened I have never stopped caring for her and I think on some level she understands that.

I just want to feel a little more connected to her than I do right now.

[Guest ricka]

Hi Joanna! Your post is so very sweet and so indicative of the sweet woman that you are. I learned something in a workshop that I had attended a few months ago: The desire for intimacy with a partner occurs in a specific place in the brain which can be activated (or shut down) by our behaviors. For us women it is more often than not "activated" by a pattern of behaviors by our partner. The little things that you are already doing among these. We respond to a loving touch and long embraces (I love to be held in someone's strong arms), to being told "I love you," to being complimented and told we are appreciated. For most of us hearing these words is much more powerful than reading them. I love getting flowers. This absolutely makes my heart melt! But is primarily in the little things that activate that desire inside for intimacy. I also respond to music---it is huge for me in setting a mood. I once had a guy sing a song he wrote for me which he accompanied on his guitar. I was a puddle on the floor.

Hugs--Ricka

[Sally]

JoJo,

I am so happy that things are going better for you.

Out in public with her cane and all holding hands or anything is difficult so the thing to do is to concentrate on at home time.

You don't have to share a bed to share emotions, Surprise her with a candle lit dinner (if you cook) or just by setting the table and the mood if she is the cook, select a movie to watch together and sit on the couch, put your arm around her and let her feel that you will never leave that is what we all want to feel, with your free hand - hold hers and you will soon feel that same comfort from her.

No words need be spoken, sometimes a touch or a glance can say so much more.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AlexanderG]

Joanna,

first off congratuwelldone of coming out to your wife, and congrats some more on her taking it well.

If she loves you as much as your post indicates you love her Ithink all you'll need is some time. You've made a start, build it up from there.

Nice!!!

Alex

[Guest yvonne]

Oh, Joanne,

I've been working on this very hard for the last few months, as my head cleared and my journey to let out the real woman within me has slowly materialized from a mere fantasy in my head to reality.

I make it a point to give my wife a hug and a kiss to start every day. When I come home (from anywhere, but most often work), I always have to give her a hug. I also give her a hug and a kiss before going to bed at night.

Like any long-married couple, the hugs and kisses become quicker over time. Well, not any more. I've been more emotional recently and I'm sharing warm emotion with her. The hugs are longer now and much warmer and more meaningful. I'm more likely to sit very close to her at times, so our bodies can touch. Pretend you're 16 years old again and pursuing your dream date.

I look for ways I can say nice things to her and thank her for doing the things she does, like laundry or cleaning or any other normal things she's done for years with little or no thanks. There are a lot of opportunities in this area.

I look for times we can talk, as this is another casualty of a long-time relationship--some couples just don't talk any more and it's a shame.

Write up some cool little "I love you" notes and hide them in places she'll find them easily. This is really great fun, both to hide them and also to find ones she's left for you.

I found I can buy a decent sized bunch of "long-lasting" flowers at the grocery store for 5 bucks. I bought a bunch and brought them home. When the wife asked about them in the kitchen, I told her I would use a few of them to dress up dinner plates, for a better food presentation. Yesterday, she set the table and she put a little flower by each place setting.

The woman in me is way more interested in relationships, affection, conversation and warm moments and I'm sharing these things with my lovely wife, who's really enjoying all this. And I mean REALLY.

She was saying how much she liked the "new me" and I asked her if she wanted the "old me" back. She said no.

So, let your warm side out. It'll do wonders for both of you. Geeze, now I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it all.....

Go Get 'em, girlfriend,

Yvonne