Figuring Out Who I Am

[Guest Lisa marie]

Hi everyone

Have some questions for you people with a bit more experence than me in this matter.

I can begin with my story, in short anyways

Before i begin thou i'd like to point out that i'm already about 99% sure but ofcourse there are bound to be some insecuritys about all this, can be a scary thing you know.

The earlyest i remember due to alcoholism at home and such is from somewhere around 7-9 years old i think, may have been earlyer not quite sure about it.

So i remember starting wearing my moms clothes around that time , walking around in her shoes and such and have fun with that, high heels are hard to walk in i tell you but i remember loving it

At a little bit older age 12-14 maybe i started experimenting with things well lets just say no normal boys would ever do anything like that, and eventually my mom noticed it becouse of my carelessness, i got so afraid so i stopped doing that for a long time but wore her clothes now and then.

I was in high school at the time and had some relationships with girls but sadly never any love involved , (shame on me for using them) was mostly for show or trying to convince myself that i was a straight guy, i've never tought of myself as gay either , the tought of being in bed with a man as a man (if you know what i mean) just wasnt me,

but i always knew something wasnt quite right, u know running around in chick clothes whenever i got the chance

In the later years i've felt the need to be a woman stronger and stronger(been looking into sex change sites every few years since i was 16ish) , starting to think a bit about men etc (as a female and male in a caring relationship) but have never acted on any of this have to keep social apperances up...

Gotten a few comments about how feminine i am (i knew i ran like a girl, had people laugh at me for that many times so i either ran really fast or not at all to hide it) over the years and people taking me for being gay (only once tho did something while drunk that i dont remember) , ofcourse i defended myself saying i was not, witch is actually true i've never seen myself as a gay man and never will, and in pure defence i did my best to get a girlfriend to put any doubts aside( i did to in 2 weeks amazing how easy it really is, however not something i'm proud to have done, sadly defensive mechanisms can be quite strong) , fooled myself again duh

Sometimes now i dress up becouse of arrousment but mostly it is cause i feel alot better, never in public tho (dont dare, live in a rather small community atm) , except for once a few years back (big city) with some colourfull clothes a psychedelic skirt and a flashy orange hat, bit to close to drag if you ask me, but that wasnt the intention, just felt like me. (got a few remarks about how brave i was that time, wish i'd be able to do that again *giggle*)

Also had a very liberal friend at that time living in the big city, he probably knew when i think back on it, since i've never had a girlfriend in the 7-8 year's ive known him, he was actually the one to get me out in that psychedlic outfitt and pushed me a bit on such things, was around 22 back then. (crying to films etc was a good pointer too i guess, cry to almost every beautyfull song and sad scene nowdays )

I'm just about 27 now btw but i look like i'm 16.. get asked for an ID all the time, and thats a good thing i guess. i'm lucky enough to barely have gotten a few hairs on my upper lip at this age so i'm quite happy about that.

But this is supposed to be some sort of question so i'l get to it

Does any of this sound familiar to you ?

I'd love to hear from someone who has been trough some of this cause i'm very secure and insecure about my identity at the same time, so some advise or well anything would really be nice and welcome.

I havent been to any shrinks yet about this (i will)

Finally accepting myself for who i am and it feels good and very scary, and it does make my question sound a little stupid, i seem to be pretty sure dont i...

I guess what i'm trying to ask, is this real ? i dont know so much about this other than what i've read on different forums and web pages, all seems to fit perfectly

i really dont want to be a fake , been that all my life, or so it feels.

Love - Lisa

[Guest Michelle M]

Only you can answer that question for yourself, but based on what I've heard, I think you are TS. I'm 27, and some of your experiences sound like mine. Even if you are TS, just make sure it's what you really want to do. It takes a hell of a strong person to do it. Read everything, and be comfortable with everything, and remember it won't be easy, and there's a lot of downsides to being female. Do you go about your everyday life thinking of yourself as female, and trying to picture how you are dressed and how you are interacting or fitting in with people around you? Never doubt yourself and be strong, because insecurity and self doubt may pop up sometimes like it does to me.

[Guest Lisa marie]

Hi Michelle

To answer your question, yes i do think of myself as female and its always been in the back of my mind,making up stories in my head picturing myself as a girl, just doing normal things like going on the buss the store to buy food, what pants shoes and sweater i'm wearing, dont really matter where i am, the toughts can come up anywhere.

Whenever i'm out and see a girl i wish i could be like her, it sometimes fills me with so much emotion that i dear not look at them.

Would probably have surfaced sooner if i wasnt on drugs and trying to hide from just about everything (stopped that 3 years ago)

It just feels so right when i'm doing girly things

And i know it wont be a dance on roses.

New year here in 5 min so Happy new year.

hugs

Lisa

[Guest o0tg0o]

I can understand what you went through...

I had to question myself seriously whether I was gay or not too. Although it's kinda gray once we transition though ^^. I kinda stopped letting it bother me since I knew that it was far important for me to be a girl more than to be gay anyways. In fact, if I end up going both ways afterwards, well, I'm just opening myself for more opportunity.

And until recently, I actually forgot that I was caught with my mom's clothes at around age 10. haha. my mom just brought that up today. (maybe she knows o.o) Haha, I guess I got to the point where I tried to deny it really really hard.

Yeah, I'm goiing to the shrink in....2 more days, I'll let you all know how that goes. (This one will be a lady so it should go well)

Hehe. Happy New Year all!

[Guest Rika-chama]

I can relate some with what you are going through. I came out first as a lesbian and then realized that I was not a gay girl but a straight guy. Of course this is real dear. It is how you feel and these feelings are not fake. Doubt may pop up sometimes but remember to always be true to yourself.

Ni-paa~

[Guest Lisa marie]

Hi

Thanks for the replies, means alot to me.

Have been alot of soulsearching so to say the last few days and i just have to go with what my feelings tell me and see where it leads, have an appointment with the shrink on the 8th now so hope i can find the strength to tell them about this, its not a gender specialst so hope its not a really narrowminded one.

How did your shrink appointment go by the way o0tg0o ? was she as sweet as you had hoped ?

[Guest o0tg0o]

Yup!

The best thing that came from her?

She said, "I think you're very pretty already. I think you'd be wonderfully passable"

I was super rigid until she said that...and then I had a huge grin for the remainder of the session. lol, I'm so simple. ^^

I felt pretty comfortable around her...I haven't really had moments outside of the bathroom where I can be comfortably just act as I am...but around her, it kinda started coming out I just hope I can feel like that in general. X-D

Mmm, another great thing she told me was "Just like the leaves on the trees, we're all different"

She's also super affordable for me too, which was the biggest relief since I really liked her. I think I'm definitely going to see her next month

She said that I should look into Electrolysis now if anything...so I'm in the process of that right now. X-( Too bad it's kinda on the expensive side.

I'm more then likely starting my HRT on the 8th

Mm, as psychiatrists, they are binded by law to keep everything confidential unless it is clear cut that you're about to kill yourself, or someone else...or have abused a child...so don't be afraid to come clean to a psychiatrist X-D. Although, be careful if they're not that great...but you'll probably catch it fast if they are.

I'm still going to make sure I see my options and visit the other psychiatrist that my insurance got for me. (I hate Kaiser Permanente btw...but it's what my mom's workplace has for me) That one's not known for gender therapy, so I'll see what his treatment is like. (not to mention, it's a male doctor too...) I'll go in expecting the worst, but either way, I would know what my options are. ^^

She also told me the local informal group for t-girls. I'm going to call the group leader tomorrow and see when's the next meeting. I just hope I'm not like the youngest one there. >.< I'm still looking forward to seeing them. I'll update that part in my blog hopefully once I find out

That was earlier today so I'm still in a good mood

[Guest Lisa marie]

Wonderfull news, i'm so happy for you and good luck with the group