Okay, I Did Something Stupid

[Guest xdearlifex]

Okay, I don't know it this is the right place to post this, but I'm going to anyway, and if I get banned or yelled at for posting in the wrong place, I don't really care.

For the past year I've struggled heavily with being MTF. I never gave it much thought, I only was aware that I would be happier if I had been a girl. I'd always known this, but never gave it much creedence because I thought: A. I can't do anything about it, and B. These feelings just weren't very strong. There's been a dramatic change though, and It's made it hard to make it through every day. A year ago I went to youtube and saw a video of a girl who used to be a guy. She looked beautiful, and it immediately dawned on me that I actually could do something about my gender issues. From that point these feelings spiked into the core of me, making it difficult to think about anything else. My grades dropped, I became incredibly depressed, I cut words and sentences into my skin, I started smoking cigarettes and became kind of a pothead. The only thing that relieved these feelings and returned me to any sense of normalcy or complacency was cross-dressing, although it was a bit of a pale substitute for being female, it was as close as I could come. To all of you this may not be a very interesting story. I felt strange about joining this site because I figured hey, these people have had it much worse than me, who am I to barge in with my wounds on display? That's what kept me from taking my feelings very seriously, and kept me from at least attempting to change myself even though I wanted to. I felt that I simply hadn't suffered enough.

That all changed though a few weeks ago, when I finally broke down and told a friend what was going on. I will refer to her as M, since that's the first letter of her name. She told me everything I wanted to hear. M validated all of my concerns with the right responses: "Yes, you could make it as a girl. You can transition. You do act and think like a girl. I can help you." She put my fears to bed and helped me cope. For the first time in, well I don't know how long, but I finally felt content with myself. With her help I was actually itching to tell my parents about it, something I hadn't seriously considered at any point beforehand. M took me to a few stores, and after one night I looked closer to what I saw in my head than I had ever looked before. I had my own stash of makeup, jewelry, and girl clothes for the first time, and we even went out to a restaurant together with me as my girl self.

It was around that time that I started to feel differently. This has happened before. Every time I make a step toward change, I get scared and start to retreat, so I knew not to put much stock into it, but it was too late. After all the late nights and long text messages, after all the effort and patience M had put into me, I stabbed her in the back by saying, "You don't really believe me!" after she called me "he" a few times and wanted me to listen to "Today I Am A Boy" by Anthony and the Johnstons (If you've heard the song you know what I'm talking about). I felt that she had lost faith in me, like she was humoring me until I realized what a jackass I was making of myself. I have no idea what she was really thinking, you can never really know, but according to M she had never had those thoughts, and believed me completely. My insecurity and doubt ruined that, she stopped talking to me, and I've spent the past couple days not shaving or dressing up or even showering. I'm back to square one, thinking "am I transgendered?" all the time. It just doesn't stop. I'm hopelessly depressed.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. All I want is feedback. All I want is for someone to come up to me and say, "Yes, you should be a girl." I can't decide this myself, for some reason. My thoughts are too scattered and contradictory and confusing for me to decide this on my own. I don't know if that desire alone makes me what I hope I am. Frequently I wish I'd just been born female so I didn't actually have to decide anything, and I don't know if having that desire makes me an MTF. I don't know... what do you think?

[Guest angie]

Well Hi There,

First off,I would seriously recommend seeing a gender therapist with a quickness.

You are in need of having a professional to talk to,unload your worries and concerns.

No One...can say that you should transition,only YOU will know if you are a girl.

Your story sounds like so many others in this loving family of ours called the Playground.

Welcome my new sister,pull up a chair,have a sit,and visit with your news sisters.

Who will all chime in pretty soon.

Huge Hugs of Welcome,

Angie

[Guest yvonne]

Okay, I don't know it this is the right place to post this, but I'm going to anyway, and if I get banned or yelled at for posting in the wrong place, I don't really care.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. All I want is feedback. All I want is for someone to come up to me and say, "Yes, you should be a girl." I can't decide this myself, for some reason. My thoughts are too scattered and contradictory and confusing for me to decide this on my own. I don't know if that desire alone makes me what I hope I am. Frequently I wish I'd just been born female so I didn't actually have to decide anything, and I don't know if having that desire makes me an MTF. I don't know... what do you think?

Hello there,

First off, you have really found the right place. A very warm welcome to you.

Next, I think I'd suggest that you call "M" and apologize. She sounds like a great friend and we all need friends.

Finally, the conflict you're experiencing doesn't strike me as unusual at all. I experienced it for years, myself. Angie gave you the best advice, to go see a therapist with experience in gender identity issues. A therapist can help you talk through the issues in your head and assist you in getting them sorted out for yourself. No one else can make such an important decision for you and our brains do strange things we often don't understand.

I put up with unresolved mental conflict for years and it's just not worth it to keep going through it. It's not likely to go away on it's own. Solutions to this situation all start with a therapist.

Keep posting your feelings and sharing your thoughts and emotions with the group. That, in itself, can be therapeutic and I can't emphasize how many different levels of experience there is here for you to share with. It's really helped me a lot.

So, welcome and find that therapist.

A hug of true compassion,

Yvonne

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I lived with the hate, the pain, the anger, selfloathing and other things for 40+ years and all i got out of trying to be the way society expected a male to be was more depresses and further down a never ending spiral that can lead to oblivion.

We cannot diagnose you here and my Sis Angie said it best, go see a gender therapist. I will add that they are the ones who can guide you along the trail. Nobody can take ou by the hand and lead you because nobody, but you, knows just how far down that trail you wish to walk. If you dont have a GT in your area try to find a therapist who is willing to learn about gender issues and work with them.

[Guest viv]

Hi hun,

I could not add to the other posts , yes to a therapist, yes to giving M a visit and

start afresh . Friends like her are rare . All the love and support you need is here for you . viv

[Guest Sherry7620]

How old are you?

[Guest xdearlifex]

How old are you?

Eighteen. Why do you ask?

[Guest Sherry7620]

Eighteen. Why do you ask?

Are you living or under the direct care of your parents, or are you living away from home? Do your parents know of this, if so are they accepting? If you are living in a larger(60,000+), city then there is a good chance to get free guidence directly from a LGBT chapter, & if not you can go online to find the nearest one. You are not alone, for real.