-lost

[Guest SillyBunny]

can't stop thinking of being me, or.. becoming me, its on my mind 24/7, when i drive to school, i try to imagine myself as lisa behind the wheels, not that ugly, wrong thing thats behind the weels now. In school, every minute i think of becoming myself, having the surgeries and everything, sometimes i really have to watch what i say, because no1 knows.

i see girls at school, at events, parties, or just in the street, and instead of looking at them with lust or something, i look and all i can think is, god i wish i atleast looked like half the girl she is, or god she has such gorgeous hair, i want that! you know how it goes.. :/ I have my letter ready to give to my mum but im too scared, everything will change, i want it to change, but im scared of it, infact, frightend or hows it spelled.

Im always too depressed and down to bother with school, my grades have been going down alot, my exams start tommorow,i have 2 exams, french and dutch, i didn't even open a book, all i did today was cry and being down. i havent eaten, my body feels hungry, but my mind cant make me eat, my mind is just like yuck ew nty, not now.

Talked to mum about maybe dropping out.. but obv. she wants me to stay, im 19 (in belgium you're school-obligated till ur 18) so i 'can' drop out, because im over 18, but if i did, my parents would kick me out i bet, school is everything to them and nothing to me. all that matters to me is getting out of this trap, this body, this vicious circle and becoming lisa.

i dont know what to do..., other then cry 'n cut & not eating, i know its bad, but i've always done it, its all i know to do to even 'try' and handle with all of this...

im so lost...

Why wont my parents just ask me 'Do you want to be a girl?!' i would DEFINITELY say YES, but telling them myself? somehow i can't, i just brake down and freeze up...

what do i do ? :'(

xlisa

sorry for the rant and the down-mood, dont mean to kill the mood or anything, just lost and dont know what else to do

[Carolyn Marie]

Lisa, honey, come here and let Aunt Carolyn give you a big hug.

(((HUGG)))

I know its really hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but you really do need to

come out to your parents if you are dependent on them for things like seeing a gender therapist. The only way

to move forward is to take that first big step and tell one or both of them. Then, if they are supportive,

you can move on to the next step, which is probably therapy and then approval for HRT.

There are a lot of good ideas and experiences in the Coming Out Forum on how to approach telling them.

Or you can post a new topic and ask the question. We are here to help you, sweetheart, so all you need

to do is ask. But coming out is up to you, and if you really want to be the young lady you are, then

you'll have to do this.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest SillyBunny]

Lisa, honey, come here and let Aunt Carolyn give you a big hug.

(((HUGG)))

I know its really hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but you really do need to

come out to your parents if you are dependent on them for things like seeing a gender therapist. The only way

to move forward is to take that first big step and tell one or both of them. Then, if they are supportive,

you can move on to the next step, which is probably therapy and then approval for HRT.

There are a lot of good ideas and experiences in the Coming Out Forum on how to approach telling them.

Or you can post a new topic and ask the question. We are here to help you, sweetheart, so all you need

to do is ask. But coming out is up to you, and if you really want to be the young lady you are, then

you'll have to do this.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Carolyn Marie

Thanks for replying -hugg-x

I have a letter ready, i typed it all out, i just have to hand it over, but i can't, im soooo scared :'((:'(

[Guest NatashaJade]

Thanks for replying -hugg-x

I have a letter ready, i typed it all out, i just have to hand it over, but i can't, im soooo scared :'((:'(

Fear is that thing that keeps us from doing what we need to do. It's powerful and insidious. Trust me, I have a lot of fear about what I am doing. Everyday and every little thing I do to change is accompanied by the nagging fear voice that says "Are you sure? It would be safer not to..." Lately, I've been listening to the fear voice els and less, but it is always there.

I know dealing with parents is tremendously difficult. You know yours and what they can handle and you have probably scripted how they will react. However, they are also surprising sometimes (both good and bad). Do what feels right and be the person you need to be to be the happiest you can.

luv

Gin

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Dealing with anyone who means alot to us, spouse, SO, parents is always rough you never know how they will react. One thing even if they react with anger, if they dont toss you out on your head then you stand a good chance of having them on board in the future

[Guest rachael1]

I know its really hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but you really do need to

come out to your parents if you are dependent on them for things like seeing a gender therapist. The only way

to move forward is to take that first big step and tell one or both of them.

Carolyn Marie

Lisa I feel your pain.

I agree with Carolyn that you have to come out to your parents as you can't go on the way you are.

I would approach the parent who would be the most likely one to show support and then together you can approach the other.

Be prepared for a negative reaction at first but hopefully over time they will be supportive.

Plan your coming out well and be prepared for a very emotional time which may cause distress to both you and your parents, have all the answers ready and then allow them time to digest the news.

Coming out to my wife was the hardest thing I have ever done and she took the news very badly but now supports me and does her best to undertand my condition. Time heals and people can adjust to almost anything.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

Rachael

[Guest yvonne]

Lisa, honey. I feel your pain and I know it. I know it just like you know it, because I've felt it myself EXACTLY like you do. Click on my profile, sweetheart, and read your own story, because it's mine with the names changed.

I know who you are and I remember your letter to your mum because it made me cry like a baby for a long time over the hurt. I'm crying right now and it's taking me forever just to finish this.

I've just accepted who I am in the last year. I'm a girl. I had trouble expressing this for years, just like you're having trouble yourself right now.

Honey, there's only one way to stop the hurt and that's to risk more hurt. That's what stopping you right now--you're afraid the "fix" will hurt more than the disease. Well, girl, the greater hurt is only temporary. Expect mum may react strongly and no one knows how that will be. But, a mother's love is special and hopefully, she'll want to help.

Believe me, trust me, the hurt you feel now won't go away by itself. Give that letter to your mum and do it right now.

I lived with it and fought it and learned how to deal with it, but it took a toll on me. After I accepted it, all the terrible thoughts went away. Really and truly, all the awful thoughts have gone.

Tell your mum that all you want is to see a Gender therapist. That's all, nothing more for right now. Just see a person trained to help you. The help is easy and you'll feel better very soon. There's no reason to live with this hurt any more, sweetheart.

I'd give anything just to hold you in my arms right now and hug you tight and tell you everything's going to be all right, because it can be.

Lisa, take that letter and put it someplace where it looks like you've got it hidden, but where your mum can find it. Your sock drawer, the dirty laundry, sticking out from somewhere. Hide it where mum can find it and do it today.

Please do it for me, I want to read about your joy.

Lisa, I'm sharing your pain, so I want you to share mine, too. OK? Well, I told my wife of 30 years a few months ago. I found a therapist, she's helping me and all the pain is gone. A week from tomorrow, I have a Doctor's appointment to start hormones!!! The moment I've dreamed about, wished for, obsessed over just like you are is going to happen in just a few days. I waited 50 years for that moment.....

Don't wait that long. Go hide the letter and let us know how it goes.

Special hugs for you,

Yvonne

[Guest viv]

Hello Lisa,

Things aint going too well for you at the moment huh??. Well, if I were

you I would take a deep breath and go for it, tell your parents , they will most

likely at the very least try to understand , and if they do , all will be so much

better . You will be able to concentrate on school AND work out the best plan

re your transition. Be brave now hun , all will be ok, Luv,viv

[Guest Erika]

can't stop thinking of being me, or.. becoming me, its on my mind 24/7, when i drive to school, i try to imagine myself as lisa behind the wheels, not that ugly, wrong thing thats behind the weels now. In school, every minute i think of becoming myself, having the surgeries and everything, sometimes i really have to watch what i say, because no1 knows.

i see girls at school, at events, parties, or just in the street, and instead of looking at them with lust or something, i look and all i can think is, god i wish i atleast looked like half the girl she is, or god she has such gorgeous hair, i want that! you know how it goes.. :/ I have my letter ready to give to my mum but im too scared, everything will change, i want it to change, but im scared of it, infact, frightend or hows it spelled.

Im always too depressed and down to bother with school, my grades have been going down alot, my exams start tommorow,i have 2 exams, french and dutch, i didn't even open a book, all i did today was cry and being down. i havent eaten, my body feels hungry, but my mind cant make me eat, my mind is just like yuck ew nty, not now.

Talked to mum about maybe dropping out.. but obv. she wants me to stay, im 19 (in belgium you're school-obligated till ur 18) so i 'can' drop out, because im over 18, but if i did, my parents would kick me out i bet, school is everything to them and nothing to me. all that matters to me is getting out of this trap, this body, this vicious circle and becoming lisa.

i dont know what to do..., other then cry 'n cut & not eating, i know its bad, but i've always done it, its all i know to do to even 'try' and handle with all of this...

im so lost...

Why wont my parents just ask me 'Do you want to be a girl?!' i would DEFINITELY say YES, but telling them myself? somehow i can't, i just brake down and freeze up...

what do i do ? :'(

xlisa

sorry for the rant and the down-mood, dont mean to kill the mood or anything, just lost and dont know what else to do

Dearest Lisa,

Please hang in there, things will get better! You have found a great place to converse openly how you feel.

I really hope things get better for you soon!

I would suggest waiting for what feels the right time to come out to your parents. When the time comes you will just know it feels right.

With Love, Rhea

[Guest SillyBunny]

Thanks for all of your replies, it means ALOT <3x

-hugg-

I don't know when to tell mum :'( i think she'll understand, but im scared anyway. I know she always wanted a girl. I know she teached ballet to a boy who wanted to be a girl too, and she found him so cute. So I think mum will be ok with me, but im so scared.

And we're moving atm, today, mum said: "Its gonna get real busy now'', because we move next wednesday, so we have to pack now etc, so shes stressing a bit, but if i tell her after we've moved, then i will ruin their holidays? no? and my nan is coming over for xmas, she lives in Tunesia, but shes coming over for xmas, and shes staying at ours, so i might wait till shes gone (after xmas).

And I know its not a valid reason to add to the sadness but my new room gets painted next week, and i really want it to be pink, i LOVE pink, i even got myself to say ''i would even like pink tbh'' when we were discussing colors, but mum said 'no no'... i know its not a valid reason, but hey, can you blame me for wanting a pink room ? :$

So i dont know when to tell

Ty everyone , ly all <3x