'i Wanna Tell You A Story!'

[Guest Cate Hilton]

Well even if until now it has been lived in the wrong body, I’d like to think it has been something of an interesting life. One of my favourite sayings is ‘Most die without really having lived’, and I’d like to think I’ve lived a little, by which I don’t mean drunken debauchery but doing good positive things.

But seeing as this is a transgender forum, I’d better start with a little of my TS story!

I remember exactly where I was when the dream finally became internalised in me, I even remember the girls around me, their clothes, their names and even their hairstyles! It took over 35 years before I finally gave in to the deep and strong conviction that what was revealed to her in a Drama Class all those years ago is the most vital part of her life story.

However, whilst not giving up on my dream in any of those years, I was looking for the quiet life and did what society expected from a boy like me. Especially in a working-class, hard-nosed, tough Northern Industrial town. Industry was how people used to make money in this country, but that is showing my age! I ended up getting married and having three children with the first girl who showed any real interest in me, despite the fact I hadn't had a girl before and I was then aged 24 (A 24 year old virgin? Yup, I was the one!!!)

Marriage didn't dent the dream as it gave me a ready supply of female clothes and make-up to use. It possibly made the dream stronger as while my wife was a work and the kids asleep I would dress and walk around the town where I live. It gave me such a thrill when I 'passed' although I didn't know the term. I still wonder what would have happened if the children had woken up to see daddy wasn't there or this woman who looked a little like dad had taken his place!

But back, temporarily, to the rest of my life history!

As I said, the first woman I ever slept with basically trapped me into marriage, but at least it meant that my secret would stay just that - a secret. I 'did the decent thing' and married her, but as I later found out the one thing she loved more than any other was money, and spending it. I'm convinced she thought that with my having £2,000 in the bank (a lot of money in 1986) and a good career with prospects she had it made! Actually, I did have one heck of an exciting career as an advertising copywriter, writing TV, radio and press advertisements. Winning awards, working with famous people recording my words, and regular trips to London at other’s expense. It was just a shame that I wasn't 'man enough' to stand up to her ..... what might have been if I’d simply developed my career? But now heading rapidly towards womanhood, having brought Catherine out into the world I live in, I'm so happy it almost hurts!

Anyway fast forward to 1999 and she had got us into many many thousands of pounds of immediate debt, meaning credit cards and loans etc, which to someone who had always been debt free, was a very painful position to be in. This lead to a colossal mental breakdown, leading me to lose my job (being unfairly dismissed) and kicked out of the family home, to make way for my wife's Police Inspector boyfriend, who used his position against me, accusing me of various crimes! I was on a government benefit called Incapacity Benefit for two and a half years, I since heard that if you are on that benefit for more than 18 months you are more likely to die or retire than ever come off it!

But despite my own mental problems, which were almost certainly caused by my hiding my 'secret' deep inside, as to a certain extent proven years later when I 'came-out' to my psychiatrist and almost literally saw a light-bulb go on above his head! I buried myself into using my skills in the voluntary and community sector in the area in which I live. Which was something I proved to be rather successful at in for example gaining £42 million of flood defenses for the town I live in after the disastrous flooding of 2000 ruined over 750 homes. I joined the board of the areas Voluntary Service organisation and became their representative on the Local Strategic Partnership the executive decision making body for the 200, 000 people in my area. I was also involved at up to district level, covering the whole of Yorkshire, in my local Lions International Club!

I was sadly homeless for about six weeks, sleeping on an office floor rather than sleeping rough, but still without a place to call home. Thankfully I was helped to get a place to live by Crisis, the homelessness charity, but as part of my attempt to get my life back together, whilst still keeping Cate in the 'closet'. I started to put my own business dealing in marketing and publicity, mainly for voluntary and community organisations. I was nominated by the local Crisis office for a National Award called Crisis Changing Lives, and I won the business section! For which I went to London, to Barclays Bank Head Office and received my award from Dame Anita Rodick, the founder of The Body Shop.

However, my mental health problems were far from cured, and I'm ashamed to say it now, as I'm the happiest I've ever been, but they included 'self-harming' or as I used to describe it cutting the evil out!! Yuck! So someone suggested that maybe I should try for University. Due to the education system in Britain back in the 1970s I didn’t have the chance when I was young. One of the things that had always had a profound influence on my life since the age of eleven was when it was decided I should go to Secondary Modern School and get a job in industry (If any girls still remember that) while others got to go to Grammar School. The Degree course I was on, and in which I have been awarded my BA, is Community Regeneration and Development. The perfect degree, as I had been voluntarily working in the field for several years, and after my first two years I could easily have been looking at getting a first class honors degree. Not bad for someone written off at the age of eleven!

But then it happened! I started stumbling as I walked, and sometimes falling straight over, which lead to me getting my first ever broken bones – ribs! Thankfully, my doctor decided to do something about it and to hospital I went to see what was the problem! A CAT scan followed, with a diagnosis by a neurologist of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Something I had witnessed my sister slowly weaken from in the twenty years since she got it! I told an elderly lady I know that the CAT scan had actually found a brain, as quick as a flash she replied, “So are you going to start using it now then?” The MS I have is known as ‘Primary Progressive’, where sufferers experience symptoms right from the start that become progressively worse over a period of years without remission.

When I was diagnosed with the MS I wrongly got the idea that it was going to kill me soon, so I needed to finally do something about transitioning! I was totally wrong; it may well kill me eventually and sooner than I would have died but as my neurologist said it wouldn’t be any time now!! But it fired me in to action to move my transition on! Although I didn’t go full-time until I was sure our National Health Service (NHS) would allow someone with MS to transition. They later told me that if they had used the MS as a reason to stop me transitioning I could have sued them under the Disability Discrimination Act!

Ultimately there is one very positive thing I’ve found about transitioning and having MS, using arm-crutches to walk with I don’t have to really worry about walking as a woman, just simply walking is the thing! However, people keep saying how brave I am, but I hardly think so, and at the time of writing I’ve told over 1, 200 people I know of my life choice and had just five negatives.

I have now been full-time for since April 2009, but have only just really started on hormones. That is because the clinic to which I was initially sent to by my doctor wasn’t very good to say the least! And I’ve been lucky enough to campaign against their lack of care from local council level right up to going to visit Members of Parliament in London! I did it for girls yet to come, but I’m in the fortunate position of now having possibly the best gender Doctor in Britain handling my transition! And the NHS paying for it!

Despite the MS I am now happier than I have ever been in my life. I spent 12 or 13 years on anti-depressants yet a couple of months ago I decided I was so ‘god dam happy’ heading towards womanhood, I no longer needed them, and went ‘cold-turkey’!

I quoted the saying, "Most die without really having lived," earlier, I’ve only mentioned a few of the ways I’ve ‘lived’ and helped others, but there is lots more I could add. But for once doing something just for myself, and transitioning really has given me a whole new life to live. A little like the famous last line from the film ‘ Blade Runner’, “I don’t know how long I’ve got, but then again who does?”

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Cate,

Welcome to Laura's and all the wonderful people here.

That is really an up and down life you've lived. I certainly wouldn't wish the worse parts on anyone. And I'm glad you've come through it and are moving towards the life you deserve.

I'm also impressed to see another 'We Serve' volunteer here. Been doin it for 20 years now, and it is very rewarding.

Life can be tough, but sometimes we just have to take what we're given and make the most of it.

I'm sure you'll enjoy being here.

Hugs,

Chloë

[Guest van-na]

Hi Cate ,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Donna Jean]

Good morning, Cate...

Welcome to the Playground, Honey!

Have a seat and I'll get you some nice hot coco and some of Sally's famous cookies...Double Chocolate Chip.!

My goodness, you've had quite the life....(someone asked me .."Have you lived here all your life?" and I said "Not yet."...

Hon, we're a moderated forum..meaning that we read every post before it goes up and that keeps it safe for all of us.

And if you would be so kind to read the forum rules (link at the top of most pages) I'd really appreciate it....thanks!

One of my best friends has MS and I understand it pretty well...the stumbling, numbness in the leg...

But, he will live a long time, so that's good as it is with you!

Sit in this big 'ole chair and just lay your crutches on the floor...they'll be fine there....OK?

Take off your shoes and get comfy and we'll wait for some of the others to stop by and say "HI!" .

It's so nice to have you here with us...and be sure to POST POST POST!

HUGGGGGGS!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Hello, Cate,

I see that Donna Jean has gotten you the cookies and cocoa and gotten you all comfy in my chair - I hope you like it, I have to admit that I have slept there more than one or two nights.

So you are comfy and warm and welcomed by some lovely people so far, I am glad to have you here.

I am so often amazed that so many people who should by most people's thinking just give up and cry, "Why me?" instead turn to helping others.

Well you are now receiving your reward the one that you never asked for just you alone but trying to get it for the girls to come along in the future.

Somehow a life full of strife seems to bring out the best in us - it has in you.

It is my honor to welcome you to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Hi Kate

Welcome to the playground you will find it to be a very accepting and loving place for gender blessed people. I too have lived with a disability for years but unlike you I gave up my transition because I didn't know how long I was going to live. That was twenty years ago and I'm still here but now I'm three years into my transition and I'm happier and healthier than I've been ever. I think that once we start to come out and live life as our true selves we stop worrying ourselves ill. I know MS is a disease that once you have it you will never be without it, but there are times of remissions and with a positive attitude and a healthy loving attitude about ones self you can go along way between exacerbations.

You have friends here.

Charlene Leona

[Guest viv]

Hi Cate,

Welcome to Laura"s. There is plenty of good advice and friendship here.

So , have a good look around and then contribute . I can tell by your post hun

you will be such a good and positive member of our forum. Post again soon, viv.

[Guest jayke]

what a life you've lived. It reminds us all to "just keep swimming" and to stand up for what is right, even when it is hard. What a brave woman you are! Thank you

[Guest ricka]

Cate Darling----What an inspiring story! Thankyou so much for sharing about your life. You sound like a fabulous woman!! I look forward to your presence here on Laura's. What shines through so powerfully is the sheer joy of being a woman. This is a very special joy that we transwomen celebrate with each other that gives such a special bond.

Hugs--Ricka