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It Sucks Not To Be Me...a "cingentranswoman"


Guest ricka

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You know one of the things I enjoy the most about this journey are the epiphanies along the way. Yesterday a dear guy friend made the comments, "You are so much more alive in female mode. I sense a strong and stable female presence about you." I have been giving a lot of thought to just why I don't have gender dysphoria. I think--in fact I know that all the years I tried to live and be male full time I did---I just could never really be a guy as I saw other guys. I just never fit in, even with other gay males. So starting this journey of my being who I am---no not transitioning really, but just being who I am as a transsexual female seems to be taking me to a good place. I realized it is not my goal to be a cingen woman, as if I could, but to be myself----to embrace and express myself as a transgendered woman that I was born to be---not as a cingen male or female. I guess you could say I am a cingentranswoman. I am finally able to accept my body which I could never do as a male---because I never had a typical male body, and no amount of diet and exercise could change that. For the first time I can honestly say I love my body, having a natural "Rubens" figure with big hips and large breasts and curves. Likewise having feminine facial features which are enhanced with the right hair style and color (for me) and a little make-up. I only just realized I don't get depressed anymore like I used to. And for the first time I feel natural and myself relating to men as a cingentranswoman on an emotional and physical level. Last night I had a very powerful emotionally charged dream in which I was breast-feeding. I remember feeling such loving, tender emotions. I woke up thinking this dream was a gift validating me as a woman.

Like many of you I have learned to adapt to living a dual life because my career demands it of me and I feel totally okay with this, though I find dressing in male mode I have little interest in what i wear and absolutely no interest in shopping for male clothes. I have learned to cherish (and very much need) my "woman time" when I can relax and be myself--even in the little things like wearing a bra and putting on earrings and can indulge my life-long love of beautiful jewelry, but now buy it for me to wear.

Laura's has been a wonderful place in this journey of becoming me. I have learned so much from my transsisters here. I have a particular interest in the study of neuro anatomy and psychology as it relates to gender differences. Have learned some amazing things about the female brain which explains so much about who I am and what I experience and how I perceive things as a female.

Well enough of my rambling! Not sure if this post will make any sense to anyone but me, LOL!

Ricka

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Ricka, it's wonderful to see you in this happy and content place. You seem to have come to terms with who you are and embrace all aspects of who you are.

That is hard to accomplish, so my hat is off to you. Finding inner peace and tranquility is a goal we all aspire to but rarely achieve. It is inspiring to

see you get to that place. Keep those happy thoughts and let us share in them like you have. We all benefit.

Carolyn Marie

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