When Will My Narrative Stablize?!

[Guest Jonah]

This is me: My name is Jonah, I'm 21 years old.

I looked like a girl when I was born and that's what I was assumed to be. By the time I was 3 I was getting in trouble in my religious community for gender bending and the fun didn't stop. I left school at 14 to unschool for a couple of years, which got me a little bit more relaxed, more able to ignore gender. Started college at 16 and freaked out when I realized, a few weeks in, that my professors and classmates were referring to me by male pronouns. At 17, had a near death experience before being diagnosed and treated for a chronic illness which may yet kill me. While in the hospital, one of my doctors made a point of looking at my genitalia and opined that they were virilized. At 18, changed my legal name, and at 19, went on testosterone. Up to this point, I'd say this was a pretty normal FTM story, but then...

The testosterone made me exhausted, red, and bloated; after a few months it was found that my T and E levels were way too high and I dropped the dose and switched docs. New doc looked at my records, said I'd had high T levels before going on T, and that in her opinion I probably had adrenal hyperplasia. Gave me a referral to a doc that specializes in these things, but I didn't follow up on it. My mother then told me that my father has atypical genitalia like with NC-CAH, and then my little brother, age six, started growing body hair. Around this time, my mother's sibling came out as FTM.

Now I'm 21, I take a lower dose than any other transman I've discussed this with who's on T, and I feel no different when the T supposedly peaks or anything. I have a beard and I'm 4'11" tall. My old community likes me much better now that my presentation is unambiguously male and I'm not sure that I like that. I'm wondering about how I never passed as female when I was younger and wanted to. I'm resentful about all that's happened. I'm not interested in surgery of any sort and am pondering going off of T.

In addition, I have in the past four years acquired more medical diagnoses than I've got fingers. I feel like every time I try to tell my story, some new diagnosis comes along and I have to say, well actually, maybe it was because of this other thing instead.

I wasn't sure how to classify myself when registering. I'm no longer sure if I started out with a plain old female body, but I'm not sure I want to call it intersexed either. I'm not sure if I've ended up at male exactly; I do identify male, but sometimes I really hate the way that covers up my past, and I'm not bothered by or planning to change the facts that I've got somewhat feminine bits. But it surely isn't a female body and I most definitely don't identify female. In recent discussions I've figured that some people saying transsexual means only those who have had surgery, and the only surgery I've ever had was to take out my gallbladder.

But I'm still pretty sure that I'm transgender.

[Guest jayke]

Hey Jonah,

i know this is hard. Really really hard. My only thought is to just be you. Dont worry about labels, the way you look, diagnosis. Just be you. Whoever you feel comfortable. Be you each day. I suggest that you get a great network around you and know that we are all here as part of that. You might change from day to day, as you work out who you are in all these labels and that is okay. I find when I am just being for today, that is when I feel most contentment.

It can be really challenging. Your life has been a super tough one. You have obviously been courageous in your journey.

Well done!

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Jonah. Jayke is right on target with his comments. I usually tell people that labels and boxes aren't important, and in your case that is especially so.

You have had a tremendously difficult, confusing and exasperating existence to this point, and I wouldn't blame you one bit for mistrusting the medical

community.

You should feel however you want to feel, and identify with whatever gender or in-between category makes you comfortable, without worrying about

labels. Just be you. Here, you are free to do just that.

Read through the forums, learn about the gender spectrum, and make up your own mind on your own schedule. I encourage you to ask questions, and

we will answer them as best we can. We are all here to support you.

I wish you well.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest julia_d]

You say male .. that's good enough for me. Go with however you feel right. From your description of yourself I guess you pass just fine regardless of being small (I had to hold off with the midget comments.. my ex was the same height or thereabouts.. and we always had fun with little n large humour between us.. anyway.. size isn't everything right?)

Tick the box that fits how you feel. Do it with confidence and everything will be good.

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Be whoever you want to be on any given day. and if that changes day to day then so be it.

But I guess you're already at the point, your question was about coming off T, and since it doesn't seem to have the same kind of psychological effect for you as for others I think it comes down to medical, if you're physically healthier on the T then stay on it, if not then maybe talk to your doctor about lowering your dose a little. You've got the beard now, coming off T won't get rid of it, so in your case, we're talking about fat distribution, energy, bone density, muscle building and life span (T shortens it) and if you prefer the kind of aggressive drive it can give people. But regardless of your physical body or what's in your blood, there's nothing stopping you pounding back a few beers with your mates on night, then having a close shave, and putting on a pretty dress the next. Or if you wanna dress non-descript and leave people never really sure that's all good too.

[Sally]

Well Jonah,

I have never liked labels either - the only one I like is Sally!

So let's just label you Jonah and not worry about anything else for the moment.

Come on in and have a nice cup of hot cocoa, Donna Jean just made a fresh pot and I have been baking some cinnamon rolls, I hope you like them - they are a bit larger but I'm from Texas so what should you expect?

You don't have to be anything special to be here - just being yourself is special enough for us.

Welcome to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Good morning, Jonah!

How are you?

Welcome to the Playground.

I see that Sally has gotten you fixed up with treats and you seem to be getting comfy with the place...

Well, we're happy to have you!

Oh, one thing, please take a few minutes and read the forum rules if you haven't already...you'll find a link at the top of most pages...I really appreciate it!

Sit back and kick off your shoes....

Relax and enjoy.......OK?

Good!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Jonah]

Jonah turns to shuffle through his backpack for his medications to take with food, starts talking while juggling an array of meters, needles, and pills

Thanks for the hot chocolate, got nutrition facts somewhere? Thanks.

I can't drink alcohol and pubs probably wouldn't be my thing if I could, though who knows, really? I haven't worn a dress in public in years... too scary.

I do pass as male just fine, and I definitely don't want to look female, I'm just uncomfortable with how that presentation seems to erase my past. I feel a liar sometimes, KWIM? Like, when my beard came in and everybody was like, awesome dude, we were starting to think maybe you didn't have one in you. And I was like, phew, me too, but I didn't say, Actually, I didn't really have it in me, I injected the T to get it. Or like when people ask me (like they ALWAYS do),

singsongs Howcome you're so SHORT? And I have a bazillion answers, including that my great-grandfather was the same height I am and that I have some medical conditions known to stunt growth- but it FEELS dishonest not to mention that one of the reasons is that I've got two x chromosomes.

As to whether testosterone really shortens lives, I'm not convinced. Your run of the mill guy with higher testosteorne levels has less chance of developing heart disease, type II diabetes, etc than a guy with lower testosterone levels, and if you compare a guy with high normal male T levels to a woman with T levels above the female range and below the male range, the guy is a heck of a lot healthier. A lot of the difference in life expectancy is associated with occupation and lifestyle.

Also, among people with the biggest of my chronic illnesses, being male is associated with living longer.

I often wonder about my gendered health risks. For example, last spring I developed thyroid disease. Thyroid disease most often occurs in women, and tends to be autoimmune. But I tested negative for both of the more common forms of autoimmune thyroid disease (Hashimoto's and Graves'). In men, thyrotoxicosis tends to be more associated with cancers... so I got tested for those. Still negative. I got some pictures taken of my thyroid, which showed an abnormal thyroid that fit only one common kind of thryoid disease, which I then got tested for.... didn't have that either!

So, I guess I just have Jonah's Thyroiditis, hey?

But the thing is, I didn't tell the radiologists that I was trans when I went for imaging, and that's part of why they gloomily said they thought I probably had a tumor (the thyroid was too messed up to get a good picture, but they didn't see any tumor).

And when I went to get an abdominal ultrasound, I didn't tell them I was trans. I was really nervous when I was told I had to take off my shirts for them to take a look at my gallbladder, kidney, liver and pancreas, but I didn't say anything and apparently... they chalked up my breasts to thyroid disease!

Did you know that breast development often happens in men with thyrotoxicosis because the thyroid stimulates the conversion of testosterone to estrogen (I know, exactly what I didn't need) making a really great excuse?

Sometimes I wish I didn't have so many excuses, then I would just say, pauses for another long swig I would just say, I look this way cause I'm trans! So there! Got a problem? Good.

Takes another swallow The thing is though, I don't KNOW why I look how I look. Maybe my growth got stunted those years when I didn't grow when I was sick... but maybe the two inches I grew when I recovered was all I would have grown then anyways. Maybe I did get those short genes from my grandfather and great-grandfather, but nobody else in my immediate family's that short. Maybe the extra X is why I'm short... but my mother is much bigger than I am. Who knows, and why is it their business, anyways?

Maybe some of my chest is from too much testosterone getting converted to estrogen, maybe some of it is from thyroid disease, maybe the whole kaboodle is from that first pubertal rush of estrogen, maybe I eat too much soy... whatEVER.

Pushes cup back You know what's the funniest thing? I used to hate the most how guys hit on me... now I get hit on just as much, just by gay guys. I never knew there were so many gay guys in the world... maybe the guys who used to hit on me were some of them gay too or something.

[peers in cup, drains it] Oh, and aggression? I used to be cranky and blow up a lot. Hasn't happened since the month I went on T. It's like magic, I'm never ever violent anymore. The maddest I've been in two years was at that stupid doctor that put me on T and didn't care that my levels were high.

I guess the good part of that is that now I can say that having had T levels twice upper male I can say that T definitely doesn't make me an angrier person.

[Guest Jonah]

I just want to add that I note that my above post was editted for "inappropriate drug use".... I don't feel that I should have to defend my legal and appropriate drug use.

You offer me food... I inject or I say no. Can't inject- can't eat. Not allowed to inject- not coming back.

I inject three prescribed substances on a regular basis. The one I inject with my hot cocoa is NovoLog. I inject with everything I eat, whenever I'm hyperglycemic, and before I do anaerobic exercise. It is very important that I take it when I need to- not a half hour later.

I am proud to be somebody who takes the responsibility for his health, even when that means being seen injecting. I am proud to be visible as somebody with chronic illness.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Jonah.....

Honey, please PM me on this...I'm not the one who edited your post, but, I'd like to understand what happened.....OK?

Thanks....

Donna Jean

[Guest van-na]

Hi Jonah,

<<curtsey>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna