Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

When Will My Narrative Stablize?!


Guest Jonah

Recommended Posts

This is me: My name is Jonah, I'm 21 years old.

I looked like a girl when I was born and that's what I was assumed to be. By the time I was 3 I was getting in trouble in my religious community for gender bending and the fun didn't stop. I left school at 14 to unschool for a couple of years, which got me a little bit more relaxed, more able to ignore gender. Started college at 16 and freaked out when I realized, a few weeks in, that my professors and classmates were referring to me by male pronouns. At 17, had a near death experience before being diagnosed and treated for a chronic illness which may yet kill me. While in the hospital, one of my doctors made a point of looking at my genitalia and opined that they were virilized. At 18, changed my legal name, and at 19, went on testosterone. Up to this point, I'd say this was a pretty normal FTM story, but then...

The testosterone made me exhausted, red, and bloated; after a few months it was found that my T and E levels were way too high and I dropped the dose and switched docs. New doc looked at my records, said I'd had high T levels before going on T, and that in her opinion I probably had adrenal hyperplasia. Gave me a referral to a doc that specializes in these things, but I didn't follow up on it. My mother then told me that my father has atypical genitalia like with NC-CAH, and then my little brother, age six, started growing body hair. Around this time, my mother's sibling came out as FTM.

Now I'm 21, I take a lower dose than any other transman I've discussed this with who's on T, and I feel no different when the T supposedly peaks or anything. I have a beard and I'm 4'11" tall. My old community likes me much better now that my presentation is unambiguously male and I'm not sure that I like that. I'm wondering about how I never passed as female when I was younger and wanted to. I'm resentful about all that's happened. I'm not interested in surgery of any sort and am pondering going off of T.

In addition, I have in the past four years acquired more medical diagnoses than I've got fingers. I feel like every time I try to tell my story, some new diagnosis comes along and I have to say, well actually, maybe it was because of this other thing instead.

I wasn't sure how to classify myself when registering. I'm no longer sure if I started out with a plain old female body, but I'm not sure I want to call it intersexed either. I'm not sure if I've ended up at male exactly; I do identify male, but sometimes I really hate the way that covers up my past, and I'm not bothered by or planning to change the facts that I've got somewhat feminine bits. But it surely isn't a female body and I most definitely don't identify female. In recent discussions I've figured that some people saying transsexual means only those who have had surgery, and the only surgery I've ever had was to take out my gallbladder.

But I'm still pretty sure that I'm transgender.

Link to comment

Hey Jonah,

i know this is hard. Really really hard. My only thought is to just be you. Dont worry about labels, the way you look, diagnosis. Just be you. Whoever you feel comfortable. Be you each day. I suggest that you get a great network around you and know that we are all here as part of that. You might change from day to day, as you work out who you are in all these labels and that is okay. I find when I am just being for today, that is when I feel most contentment.

It can be really challenging. Your life has been a super tough one. You have obviously been courageous in your journey.

Well done!

Link to comment
  • Admin

Hi, Jonah. Jayke is right on target with his comments. I usually tell people that labels and boxes aren't important, and in your case that is especially so.

You have had a tremendously difficult, confusing and exasperating existence to this point, and I wouldn't blame you one bit for mistrusting the medical

community.

You should feel however you want to feel, and identify with whatever gender or in-between category makes you comfortable, without worrying about

labels. Just be you. Here, you are free to do just that.

Read through the forums, learn about the gender spectrum, and make up your own mind on your own schedule. I encourage you to ask questions, and

we will answer them as best we can. We are all here to support you.

I wish you well.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
Guest julia_d

You say male .. that's good enough for me. Go with however you feel right. From your description of yourself I guess you pass just fine regardless of being small (I had to hold off with the midget comments.. my ex was the same height or thereabouts.. and we always had fun with little n large humour between us.. anyway.. size isn't everything right?)

Tick the box that fits how you feel. Do it with confidence and everything will be good.

Link to comment
Guest i is Sam :-)

Be whoever you want to be on any given day. and if that changes day to day then so be it.

But I guess you're already at the point, your question was about coming off T, and since it doesn't seem to have the same kind of psychological effect for you as for others I think it comes down to medical, if you're physically healthier on the T then stay on it, if not then maybe talk to your doctor about lowering your dose a little. You've got the beard now, coming off T won't get rid of it, so in your case, we're talking about fat distribution, energy, bone density, muscle building and life span (T shortens it) and if you prefer the kind of aggressive drive it can give people. But regardless of your physical body or what's in your blood, there's nothing stopping you pounding back a few beers with your mates on night, then having a close shave, and putting on a pretty dress the next. Or if you wanna dress non-descript and leave people never really sure that's all good too.

Link to comment

Well Jonah,

I have never liked labels either - the only one I like is Sally!

So let's just label you Jonah and not worry about anything else for the moment.

Come on in and have a nice cup of hot cocoa, Donna Jean just made a fresh pot and I have been baking some cinnamon rolls, I hope you like them - they are a bit larger but I'm from Texas so what should you expect?

You don't have to be anything special to be here - just being yourself is special enough for us.

Welcome to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

Good morning, Jonah!

How are you?

Welcome to the Playground.

I see that Sally has gotten you fixed up with treats and you seem to be getting comfy with the place...

Well, we're happy to have you!

Oh, one thing, please take a few minutes and read the forum rules if you haven't already...you'll find a link at the top of most pages...I really appreciate it!

Sit back and kick off your shoes....

Relax and enjoy.......OK?

Good!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

Link to comment

Jonah turns to shuffle through his backpack for his medications to take with food, starts talking while juggling an array of meters, needles, and pills

Thanks for the hot chocolate, got nutrition facts somewhere? Thanks.

I can't drink alcohol and pubs probably wouldn't be my thing if I could, though who knows, really? I haven't worn a dress in public in years... too scary.

I do pass as male just fine, and I definitely don't want to look female, I'm just uncomfortable with how that presentation seems to erase my past. I feel a liar sometimes, KWIM? Like, when my beard came in and everybody was like, awesome dude, we were starting to think maybe you didn't have one in you. And I was like, phew, me too, but I didn't say, Actually, I didn't really have it in me, I injected the T to get it. Or like when people ask me (like they ALWAYS do),

singsongs Howcome you're so SHORT? And I have a bazillion answers, including that my great-grandfather was the same height I am and that I have some medical conditions known to stunt growth- but it FEELS dishonest not to mention that one of the reasons is that I've got two x chromosomes.

As to whether testosterone really shortens lives, I'm not convinced. Your run of the mill guy with higher testosteorne levels has less chance of developing heart disease, type II diabetes, etc than a guy with lower testosterone levels, and if you compare a guy with high normal male T levels to a woman with T levels above the female range and below the male range, the guy is a heck of a lot healthier. A lot of the difference in life expectancy is associated with occupation and lifestyle.

Also, among people with the biggest of my chronic illnesses, being male is associated with living longer.

I often wonder about my gendered health risks. For example, last spring I developed thyroid disease. Thyroid disease most often occurs in women, and tends to be autoimmune. But I tested negative for both of the more common forms of autoimmune thyroid disease (Hashimoto's and Graves'). In men, thyrotoxicosis tends to be more associated with cancers... so I got tested for those. Still negative. I got some pictures taken of my thyroid, which showed an abnormal thyroid that fit only one common kind of thryoid disease, which I then got tested for.... didn't have that either!

So, I guess I just have Jonah's Thyroiditis, hey?

But the thing is, I didn't tell the radiologists that I was trans when I went for imaging, and that's part of why they gloomily said they thought I probably had a tumor (the thyroid was too messed up to get a good picture, but they didn't see any tumor).

And when I went to get an abdominal ultrasound, I didn't tell them I was trans. I was really nervous when I was told I had to take off my shirts for them to take a look at my gallbladder, kidney, liver and pancreas, but I didn't say anything and apparently... they chalked up my breasts to thyroid disease!

Did you know that breast development often happens in men with thyrotoxicosis because the thyroid stimulates the conversion of testosterone to estrogen (I know, exactly what I didn't need) making a really great excuse?

Sometimes I wish I didn't have so many excuses, then I would just say, pauses for another long swig I would just say, I look this way cause I'm trans! So there! Got a problem? Good.

Takes another swallow The thing is though, I don't KNOW why I look how I look. Maybe my growth got stunted those years when I didn't grow when I was sick... but maybe the two inches I grew when I recovered was all I would have grown then anyways. Maybe I did get those short genes from my grandfather and great-grandfather, but nobody else in my immediate family's that short. Maybe the extra X is why I'm short... but my mother is much bigger than I am. Who knows, and why is it their business, anyways?

Maybe some of my chest is from too much testosterone getting converted to estrogen, maybe some of it is from thyroid disease, maybe the whole kaboodle is from that first pubertal rush of estrogen, maybe I eat too much soy... whatEVER.

Pushes cup back You know what's the funniest thing? I used to hate the most how guys hit on me... now I get hit on just as much, just by gay guys. I never knew there were so many gay guys in the world... maybe the guys who used to hit on me were some of them gay too or something.

[peers in cup, drains it] Oh, and aggression? I used to be cranky and blow up a lot. Hasn't happened since the month I went on T. It's like magic, I'm never ever violent anymore. The maddest I've been in two years was at that stupid doctor that put me on T and didn't care that my levels were high.

I guess the good part of that is that now I can say that having had T levels twice upper male I can say that T definitely doesn't make me an angrier person.

Link to comment

I just want to add that I note that my above post was editted for "inappropriate drug use".... I don't feel that I should have to defend my legal and appropriate drug use.

You offer me food... I inject or I say no. Can't inject- can't eat. Not allowed to inject- not coming back.

I inject three prescribed substances on a regular basis. The one I inject with my hot cocoa is NovoLog. I inject with everything I eat, whenever I'm hyperglycemic, and before I do anaerobic exercise. It is very important that I take it when I need to- not a half hour later.

I am proud to be somebody who takes the responsibility for his health, even when that means being seen injecting. I am proud to be visible as somebody with chronic illness.

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

Jonah.....

Honey, please PM me on this...I'm not the one who edited your post, but, I'd like to understand what happened.....OK?

Thanks....

Donna Jean

Link to comment

Hi Jonah,

<<curtsey>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 1 Anonymous, 75 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • Petra Jane
    • Lydia_R
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,103
    • Most Online
      8,356

    BUGFIEND
    Newest Member
    BUGFIEND
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bobbijean
      Bobbijean
    2. Bryan
      Bryan
      (61 years old)
    3. jlw5ju
      jlw5ju
      (27 years old)
    4. ladykirabellum
      ladykirabellum
      (47 years old)
    5. Lizzie17
      Lizzie17
  • Posts

    • Lydia_R
      I had some guy grab my butt on the ship.  I don't know how "real" it was, but I did not enjoy that at all.  Also did not enjoy the hazing I saw other people going through.  One person can only do so much to stop that when there are 10 people doing it.
    • Lydia_R
      Here is a legible copy (hopefully):    
    • Lydia_R
      I pulled this out of a stack of old military mementos yesterday.  I guess I didn't realize how cool this one was because I did so much of this kind of thing back then.    
    • Lydia_R
      This internet video thing is pretty amazing.  I'd call it Zoom, but there are other platforms out there.  I prefer Zoom over Teams because Zoom puts me and everyone else in the same picture.  I like seeing the whole group in one shot.  Teams of course is about having so many people that you can't get them in the shot, or is it?   Just saying that I have never met any of my counselors in person.  Doctors, of course I have and I am lucky there.  They are 3.5 miles from my house as is the main transgender surgery place in town.  I've been doing virtual visits with the medical doctors lately though.  It feels like once I became steady state, they don't need to interact with me physically that much.  I have enjoyed going into their office in my nice clothing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I guess a lot depends on where you start and where you wanna end up.  For me, doing the "boy form" thing has come with disadvantages.  Smaller skeleton, thinner bones, and skinny/tiny everything.  I'll never be taken seriously.  I guess the advantage is that my way of blending in is just kind of confusing.  "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"    One of the biggest arguments for starting transition early in life is I think it gives a person a greater ability to pass.  My two MtF friends started early, and pass really well.  They never got to the larger bone structure, beard, deep voice stuff.  Me being intersex (which is more complicated) and not getting around to "boy form" until my 30's, my body size and features were pretty much set in stone.      You're lucky.  Some folks pay all that and more, even AFTER insurance.  One of my friends faced the choice last year - pay for her final year of college or pay for her meds.  She's taken a year off from college to work and save up money to finish.    My medical expenses have been more injury-related than therapy or medication   The state covered some of it with a fund for crime victims, insurance covered a lot, but there's ended up being a few thousand dollars spent out-of-pocket since 2022 to put me back together again.  I've never found a decent therapist, but my husband has a psych degree among other things, so I figure talking with him is almost as good.  I do have a good doctor, although I have to drive a long way to a big city to see her.  Mostly she takes a basic look at me, and writes another year's prescription.  Since I'm non-op and only using testosterone cream for a localized effect, its pretty simple stuff. 
    • Lydia_R
      I'm a tracker and I've paid for 100% of my transition costs out of pocket.  Counseling was a huge, huge part of my transition and well worth my money.  Not to be uppity about all of this.  I'm just sharing information I have because I have it and it may be useful for others.  Here is my analysis of my spending on transition over the last 2.5 years:   Medical Doctors and Blood Draws: $2,397 Counseling: $3,800 Medications (brand name): $2,702.85 Medications (generic): $485.39 Total: $9,385.24   I picked up on the internet early in transition that transition is a consumer activity.  I tend to agree with that.   This year (Jan - May 18th, 2024), I've spent: Medical Doctors: $102 Medications: $241.52 Total: $343.52   So I'm on a much more sustainable path with it.  I'm pretty happy with where I am with it, although I do still desire surgery and am nervous about how that will all unfold.  But my doctors have me on this steady state thing.  I could seek out other medications, but what I'm doing is good enough.  Oh, I'm missing something....  I did a bunch of electrolysis that didn't appear to have any effect.  I've always enjoyed shaving and I use pink shaving cream now (I've got some lipstick blond in me).  It's good enough.  Not sure if I'll do electro or laser in the future.  The need to shave my body has become less and less.  Before HRT, I was shaving my body weekly or even every 5 days.  Now it is more like 2-3 weeks.  Everyone's body hair is different.  My beard is very coarse and stiff while my body hair has been somewhat minimal and light.  It's nice to have smooth legs and not have to shave as much.   Counseling was $200/session.  I tried one or two counselors before I found one who resonated with where I really was.  When I was prescribed HRT, I didn't fill the prescription until 4 months later.  I had to take some time to decide that I really wanted to take on that lifetime financial commitment.  And of course the possibly negative health consequences too, but I think I was actually thinking more about the finances of it all.  Maybe 51%.   I did a lot of work to revitalize my career before jumping into medical transition.  I started counseling 3 months before I got the best paying job of my life.  The pressure of wanting to transition was so great that I couldn't wait any longer.  She was coming out.  Even though I had very little money, I splurged on some nice dresses and a full length mirror and then started counseling.  Sometimes you just have to move forward and hope for the best.  Other times it is better to wait and do some hard work.  The grace of it all..
    • Ivy
      And when the pressure is released it sucks in heat.  I had a regulator leaking and it was covered with ice.  It's how a heat pump works as well.   Why do they always pick names like this?  It's like the exact opposite of what it really is. I hate politics so much.  But I still have to follow it.
    • Lydia_R
      Wonderful!  This reminds me of a discussion I had with my brother a decade ago.  I said that things expand when they get hotter.  He said, no, they expand when they get colder.  And I had to think about that for a while.  The weird thing is that H20 is special in that when it reaches freezing, it expands.   The pressure makes the cold and then we see the condensation.
    • KatieSC
      I used to have a really good therapist, however, she does not accept health insurance reimbursement fees as they are too low. I had to pay 130 per session. When she decided to jack the rates to 185 per hour, I cut bait. Without a doubt, counseling is very helpful. What concerns me greatly is that we are a vulnerable population. Unfortunately, we can easily be targeted for some pretty high fees. How many of us have been in the situation where our healthcare provider, surgeons, or counselors, have required cash payments? We get jammed as well by the health insurance companies as they often will not pay for items that could be essential to our well-being. It is my contention that our chances of being targeted for violence, death, or harassment, go up when we cannot easily blend in with the female population.    For those of us that are MTF, some of us are blessed with more feminine features, and many of us are not. We get the whammy of a larger skeleton, bigger hands, bigger feet, a beard, a deep voice, and masculine face. It takes a lot for some of us to be able to blend in. My belief is that the better we blend in, the better chance we have of not being targeted. In this, electrolysis, facial feminizing/gender affirming facial surgery, voice/speech therapy with voice feminization/gender affirming voice surgery, and body contouring are all potentially lifesaving. Unfortunately, many of the insurance companies deem the procedures as cosmetic, and yet there is no cosmetic that fixes all of these issues.    If you pay your money, you can get anything you want in this world. The sad reality is that for us, many of these procedures would enhance our lives tremendously, yet we face ongoing battles with our very existence. Yeah, an empathetic therapist helps, but is it just the concept of reasonable empathy at a reasonable cost? When my therapist jacked her rates to 185 per hour, I said enough is enough. Your mileage may vary.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I don't think the temperature matters as much.  Think about how gases like CO2 are stored in cylinders, and they are basically the same in summer or winter.  Any gas becomes liquid under enough pressure.  What does matter is the strength of the pressure vessel.  If exposed to excess external heat, pressure increases and can burst a tank or a pipe.  Household propane tanks are often painted white or silver and have safety release valves, because sunlight can heat a tank enough to cause a significant increase in internal pressure, even though the contents remain liquid. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It has been a long week, and I think this weekend is going to be pretty busy.  The high school is having their graduation later today.  Although we don't have any grads in our family this year, my husband is going because he's involved with the school.  And tonight there's the torchlight ceremony for the county cadets who are finishing their program, and the reading of assignments for the new seniors.  One of my stepkids will be a senior this year.  She's talented, and will be assigned a squad leader position.  My husband is really proud of her, and she's well-liked by her peers even though she's very quiet and serious.    I might get to go on a trip to Texas this week.  The storms that hit Houston caused a lot of electrical damage, so no doubt the utilities in that area will be ordering stuff from my husband's company.  When the big hurricane hit Florida in 2022, we made several trips there with badly-needed equipment, and the entire transportation department was involved in the first convoy.  When he travels, I usually want to go along, since 1-on-1 time is kind of rare for us. 
    • Mmindy
    • Lydia_R
      Maybe surface tension?   I was in a political debate yesterday and it got way too focused on social stuff and I just had to steer the conversation back to how natural gas transitions to a liquid under pressure.  One of the people I was debating had a career working in that field and it was a good opportunity to expose stuff like that.  He mentioned that it isn't just pressure, it is temperature too.  So then I mentioned how the lines are running underground and asked how that played a role in it.  He came back saying that natural gas is a liquid under pressure.  I guess I didn't get a straight answer on that, but it did move my thinking one step down the road.  Perhaps I should have been more direct with him and asked him at what temperature and pressure.  Is there a chart?   I feel people would be better off if they paid more attention to the objects in their environment instead of focusing on some of the things that we hear so much of in the news.  People are pretty clueless as to how much trigonometry plays a role in so many things in our society.  Even land surveyors don't really use it anymore because programmers locked it away in a function.  Much like how cascading style sheets (CSS) is a wrapper for math.  I wonder what former president Trump thinks about all of that?  He must have some knowledge of how his buildings are constructed, right?  There certainly is a part of me that thinks he is just putting on a show about all of this.  Perhaps I'm wrong though.  All kinds of people in the world.
    • Jani
      Me as well.  I can use my left hand for many tasks though.
    • Jani
      Hello Jennifer and welcome back.  I find New England to be a great place to live.  I have a number of acquaintances and friends in Maine and I love the state.  It seems you are doing well.     Hugs,  Jani
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...