An Aha! Moment.

[Guest Sephora]

Actually, I lied, it was two AHA! moments.

1) So, a couple of things have happened lately. Firstly, I took part in a conversation about transsexuals on a forum I frequent. There are a couple of TS members over there and it was quite a nice little chat. A lot of people were offering support to the person who had started the topic but at the same time making it clear that they definitely wouldn't want to be TS, stating that the opposite sex's genitalia is disgusting to them (it's largely a gay forum), they'd hate it, etc. This got me thinking, and I did a bit of daydreaming.. imagining myself if I were a girl. I realized that I really have no problem with that. I couldn't comprehend why these people were so disgusted at the idea of being the opposite sex, and I didn't know why. I wouldn't be disgusted. In fact, the more I thought about it the more I started thinking "Hey, I really don't think that would be bad, I think I might even enjoy that.." So, yeah.

2) I was aimlessly drifting through the internet land known as YouTube, and I came across a particular Sarah Brightman (I absolutely adore her..) video that I wanted to check out. It was a song I knew I liked so I clicked play, and I waited for her to appear on stage. The lights came up and she strutted down these glamorous steps looking gorgeous and I was just staring at her with this intense feeling of interest. For a split second I thought "oh crap, don't tell me i'm bisexual after all, I thought I was through all this questioning.." and then it hit me. I don't want her. I want to be her. I wanted to be the one in the nice tight corset, the flirty skirt, and the seductive black boots. It's like someone turned a light on. I'm starting to think that maybe all these lingering feelings I have towards girls are not from a hint of bisexuality in me (or maybe they are? who really knows..) but from this place deep within me that wants to be what I'm seeing.

That said, I know that I don't hate my genitalia (well, actually, I sorta' do, but that's an altogether different story) or my sex. I don't know how to explain it. I don't necessarily want to be a girl.. but I do. But not really.. even though I do. But not completely I know I don't identify as a man but rather as an in-between, third gender. So what have I learned? Not a whole lot.. but I figure these were important moments in one way or another. I don't know why yet.. but I just have a feeling. I haven't really asked any questions here, but I feel like getting these thoughts into words is a good first step.

- Sera

[Sally]

Ah Ha! Sera!

These are things that you have to work out, it could be that you are discovering that you are actually an MTF transsexual or that you have a great imagination and have seen yourself as the opposite sex - I don't know but that is what you have to find out and a therapist specializing in gender dysphoria would be a good person to talk to about it.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ChloëC]

Sera,

I think I know the Sarah Brightman video you're talking about and, yeah, I had some daydreams too. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm more with you about your being unable to comprehend some of the attitudes of these gay people about being disgusted with the thought of wanting to be the opposite sex. I can't understand why they just don't say, hey, it's not something I personally would do, but I can understand your feelings of not being accepted and I support your desire to be who you know you really are. Shouldn't that be what we all want, regardless of gender issues?

I agree with Sally that maybe you might want to talk to a therpist and learn more about your feelings.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Ti?]

Hey forum, I'm brand new here and thsi is the first thread i've clicked on since joining. I can totally relate to the idea of seeing a woman and not being aroused by her, but wanting to BE her. It feel that way about India Arie, she's gorgeous. It was sort of an "AHA" moment for me too. Although i do not currently identify as transexual (androgony for school and daily life while dressing as a girl as much as possible is what i'm doing now. Not totally sure what the word for that is now, but i'm sure someone can help me there)

Sera,

I'm more with you about your being unable to comprehend some of the attitudes of these gay people about being disgusted with the thought of wanting to be the opposite sex. I can't understand why they just don't say, hey, it's not something I personally would do, but I can understand your feelings of not being accepted and I support your desire to be who you know you really are. Shouldn't that be what we all want, regardless of gender issues?

I agree with Sally that maybe you might want to talk to a therpist and learn more about your feelings.

Hugs

Chloë

As far as the whole "bering grossed out" thing goes, i used to joke about how gross vaginas are (methinks the lady doth protest too much) It was sort of a way of "covering my tracks" so that nobody would think that i had any gender identiy issues. I guess ironicly i made people more suspicious that way. So i guess whati'm trying to say is, you never know if any gay men who say things like that are doing the same thing.

Just something to think about

Peace,

Te'Mara