Spiraling

[Guest cjnoble71]

I thought I could get better. But the depression just gets worse. The Department of (anti)Social Services berated me for not having all the documents I needed. Twenty years of paying into the system and I am treated like I might rip them off when there are people out there that spend cradle to grave on welfare. They set me up with an appointment, two weeks later, to see if I am too depressed to work. I don't want a hand out, just a little help up. Meanwhile I find out I am losing my apartment. My family, who are good, good, people, are willing to help me out financially but also seem to think I should just be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps where my emotional issues are concerned. The hospital sent me home after making me wait all day, they seemed more interested as to whether or not I had insurance. They did ask if I wanted to hurt myself then and there, which I did not, but I also told them I was worried that another set back could send me reeling again. Now I have lost my first web design client because I haven't been able to be online. I don't blame him, but it's done what I was worried about. I can't bring myself to kill myself, but I wish I would just have a heart attack or stroke or something.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh my God, Christine.....

I had no idea that such things were going on in your life.

I realize that the "System" seems to move like a snail when you need help and to see so many others taking advantage of it for years can really be aggravating. I understand that you just need a hand...to help you get back on track.

Depression can be hard to overcome, especially during these last few weeks of holidays....And people need to understand that those suffering from depression can't always just "pull themselves by their bootstraps"...it's not that simple!

Honey..I'm glad that you don't want to hurt yourself, but I can sense just how down you are...

And, no...you don't want a heart attack or stroke....you need friends and a hand...

You have friends here that are always willing to talk to you...

We do care about you...

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

OMG!

Christine - I was just posting a poem about the nature of depression and I came back to find this topic!

Maybe there is something to fate, you might want to read the poem and when you do you will fully understand when I say, I am here so just take my hand.

I will be here for your emotional support - I might be away from my computer for a while but whenever I get to it I head straight here to Laura's to see who is around - I will help you if you will let me for i have been there and it was through a dear friend that I am no longer there.

Do take my hand.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest sarah f]

I am sorry to hear about your depression. I also feel bad about you losing your apartment. I know I can't say much right now to cheer you up but just stay with us and hopefully things will get better sooner than later.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest viv]

Hello Christine,

Just read your post and the replies. I am sorry

for you hun and want to tell you you have my support also.

luv,viv

[Guest Anna_Banana]

I thought I could get better. But the depression just gets worse. The Department of (anti)Social Services berated me for not having all the documents I needed. Twenty years of paying into the system and I am treated like I might rip them off when there are people out there that spend cradle to grave on welfare. They set me up with an appointment, two weeks later, to see if I am too depressed to work. I don't want a hand out, just a little help up. Meanwhile I find out I am losing my apartment. My family, who are good, good, people, are willing to help me out financially but also seem to think I should just be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps where my emotional issues are concerned. The hospital sent me home after making me wait all day, they seemed more interested as to whether or not I had insurance. They did ask if I wanted to hurt myself then and there, which I did not, but I also told them I was worried that another set back could send me reeling again. Now I have lost my first web design client because I haven't been able to be online. I don't blame him, but it's done what I was worried about. I can't bring myself to kill myself, but I wish I would just have a heart attack or stroke or something.

You don't want a heart attack, stroke, cancer, blood clot, or anything else. I've known far too many people who survive through these things and end up worse then when they started. It's true, you are getting a bad hand in life. As far as any government agency is concerned, you always get screwed. They don't trust anyone and could care less about your feelings, only your money. It's all a business. Many hospitals, like the one you were in, don't concern themselves with bedside manner any more. I've had my fair share of hospital stays in my short life and I can tell you for a fact that it's all about business. I even had a hospital employee sit down with me when I was very sick and explain to me that the only thing the hospital is concerned about is how much they can make off a patient. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still being undertreated for my medical problems, and unfortunately, that won't change much. Insurance, no matter what it is, isn't good enough any more. It's better to make the patients wait long hours and then send them home so that that they can repeat the process again tomorrow.

As sadistic as it sounds, raw cash and power is what talks in our society. I'm sorry that life is terrible, but you'd only be helping them out if you died. Social Services wouldn't have to think twice about paying for you once you are dead. Don't help those greedy jerks out by doing them a favor. Stay alive and hold on for yourself. You deserve a good existence too. Don't bow out for them.

.Anna

[Guest DeniseNM]

Christine I am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much right. I know how depression is, have battled it since I was about 13 or so, it is hard to deal with and makes everything seem to be impossible and not worth dealing with. Believe me though that all of that is so wrong and it can get better. It is amazing to me how after all the people that have came out about their struggles with depression so many people still don't understand it, you can't "just get over it and pull yourself up by your boot straps".

Also sorry for your problems with Social Services ... but hey if there is a way to slow things down the government will find a way to do that.

Just remember that you are loved Christine and that we are here for you.

Denise

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

If you are looking into disability all I can say is I wish you luck. For disability unless you are in a vegetative state you will be turned down. Then you spend 2 years waiting with no help. Then you have a 50/50 chance after 2 years and if you get a bad flip of the coin you wait another 2 years with no help. While this is going on most people die, lose their home, have some sort of major medical problem, go hungry, lose family... I am going through it with my mother, my sister and I have to support her because even though her doctors say she is disabled, we know she can't work, she is on 6 different meds, the courts say she can get better if she tries so it will be another 2 years before they review it.

I spent 5 years of my life never leaving my house, barely even leaving my bedroom. When it first started to set in I went looking for help and was turned down, I was told that there was nothing wrong with me and they can't help me because I had the ability to work. If I had some help maybe I wouldn't have lost those 5 years of my life.

So I have gone through it. I know how the system works. I suggest strongly finding a doctor fast to put you on meds. Catch it before it spirals out of control. Don't wait for the government, because you probably will be homeless or dead before they admit you need help. There are a lot of doctors out there who will work based on what you can pay. When I was younger mine was only charging 20 dollars per session because I was poor. Call around, I know it is hard to get motivated to do that, but force yourself.

Also if you have a close friend or partner you can lean heavily on, ask them for help. Not financially, just emotional support. Have them take you out to get your mind off of life.

*hugs* I wish you luck and wish you the best. I just hope you can catch this before it gets out of control

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Christine, many people dont understand the pain that depression can bring. They cant understand the utter helplessness that we feel and how we cant "Just pick ourselves up, Dust our selves off and start all over" (I think we could manage the first two, but starting all over gets tiring). You have my loving and unconditional support sister, Hugs

[Guest julia_d]

Hey Christine. I really feel that. It's where I get.. exactly there. Sometimes I feel like I have been digging a huge deep hole and suddenly find out I can't reach the top edge to pull myself out... and dang!! I left the ladder and the gun in the car.. either would do!!

What do I do .. I have a cry, and when I can't cry any more I make a coffee and do some housework and mope about feeling sorry for myself for a bit till that makes me annoyed with myself for being such a wuss. Oh yes.. I have smashed things up in frustration in the past. Haven't done that for years since I remembered I have a big axe and there is a large stump in the back street.

Go on.. instead of bottling it up you need to let it out somehow before you burst. Scream.. wreck something.. move a washing machine.. something to get that pent up anger out so you can start over and breathe. The only other option is a complete breakdown.. I have been there too. I have 6 completely blank months.. I don't know what happened but at the end of the blank I had no job and a different name and a very very bad alcohol problem.. must have been my final killing the act off. 1998 March to August.. no memory of at all. My first memory afterwards is waking up lying on the floor screaming.... literally screaming full on in the dark. I stopped and tried to work out what that was about.. hmmm.. never have worked out what I was up to, but since then no more blanks.

Let it out before you end up going through that kind of thing alone.. the outcome isn't guaranteed to be something good.

One thing I learned.. tomorrow is another day, full of different possibilities. It's useful to be around to see it. I hope my experience with depression and nervous breakdown is useful. I walk a bit of a knife edge myself even now, but my control is I learned to turn the frustration and hopelessness into something I can deal with.. annoyance followed by anger.. which I can than take out on something instead of taking it out on myself

happy hunting.. I don't usually dish these out but have some hugs

*hugs*

[Guest cjnoble71]

Thanks everyone your kind words and sympathy mean a lot. My family gave me some much needed tough love. I'm on a waiting list with three different mental health outreach places. One of them does social services advocacy too and is going to help me. Hopefully I won't even need them. Gonna hit the grind stone job hunting. I've felt generally well three days in a row, the best I've done in a while. Nothing in life is certain, but I feel better, keep your fingers crossed.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Nothing in life is certain, but I feel better, keep your fingers crossed.

That's wonderful to hear, Sweetheart....

And, I've had my fingers crossed for you all along....

Don't pass up those huggs either...she don';t give that many out....they're special.....so are you!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest DeniseNM]

Christine glad to hear that you are feeling better and that you got some love from your family. I hope that you are able to get some help from the outreach places. Also hope the job hunting goes well, will keep you in my prayers and sending you all the positive energy I can.

Denise

[Guest doodle]

Hi like the others it's nice to hear you are feeling a little better. It's good that your family is standing by you even if they are not as understanding as they could be. I hope you accept their offer to help you out with some money being homeless can push one over the edge. I was homeless years a ago and it still haunts me. I sure there isn't a trans person anywhere that hasn't had similar problems. when we crash we really crash. I suffer from depression and have been treated for it most of my life. I still have terrible days. this wed I spent the whole day in bed wanting to kill myself. I only got up to go to my support group.

I live in Ny state and know that jobs are not that easy to come by upstate. good luck with that.

better days

kelly