What Am I?

[Guest SamIThinkIAm]

Come play the label game with me if you please

Ok, so, as I've said before---I've always felt 'different'---from other people in general. There's years and years of suppression, denial and personas so it's not a clearcut path for sure--but I'm trying as hard as I can seeing as I *cannot* find or afford a gender therapist---college counsellor is the best I can do right now.

As I understand myself right now I'm sure that part of me is very, very male---however---I don't know what I want to do about it or what I should do about it.

It seems that I tend to shift and feel very masculine around females and more feminine/adrogynous around men---at least that's what I've come to think from what I've been told. Women perceive me as giving off 'man' vibes (and around them I have a self-image as a man) and men are likely to see me as more feminine than that. So I'm confused. If I don't seem to the guys like one of them---then maybe the girls just think I'm strange because I'm not girly?

Myself---although I have my more 'flamboyant/feminine' side---I *do* feel more male than female---although I'm by no means a 'macho' guy. My physical body---well I got a bunch of issues with it---some are gender-related some are not--but I'm waiting untill I've lost weight and built muscle before considering anything drastic. Maybe I'll be ok once I'm in shape.

If you asked me to picture myself in my head I do tend to picture myself as a man---but a rather androgynous looking man. There is of course the counter ego of this sort of 'hippie/earth mother' woman---but I have a hard time picturing myself as her even though she does often put me in a tricky situation because I'll have the urge to be her.

The female pronouns when applied to me do give me that 'heart dropping into your feet' sensation though.

In a romantic/intimate etc. situation--- feeling/picturing myself male 95% of the time.

Growing up I told my mom often that I didn't want to be a girl but I don't think I ever told her explicitly I wanted to be a boy or was one.

I suffer from a dissociative disorder like I said---so it's difficult for me to say how I really feel--I tend to just disconnect.

At this point I feel like I've got two very very different people fighting each other inside of one body--and it's impossible for me to be both---they're just waaay too radically different, and I'm trying to figure out which one/hoping that one is the false persona. So frustrated uurrggh.....

[Sally]

Well SamIThinkIAm,

It is only important to life your life the best you can,

You do not have to eat those green eggs and ham,

You do not have to eat them with a fox,

You do not have to eat them in a box,

You do not have to eat those green eggs and ham,

You do not need to live in a box SamIThinIAm

My apologizes to Dr. Suess but it seemed to fit considering your name choice.

My point being why put yourself into a box?

I think that you should go to the profile page of one of our young members who feels very free shifting from male (most of the time) to androgynous (a good portion of the time) to female (hardly ever) Deeedo and check out the Introduction and a any number of posts.*

*You get there by clicking on options and selecting from the drop-down menu.

Self described as a dinosaur, answering to any pronoun - he/she/it/dinosaur and feels rather gender fluid and is very happy just being who she feels like at the moment.

Most people struggle just to thin k outside of the box so it may not be that easy but you might just give it a try living outside of the box.

It isn't for everyone but others do it and it might just work for you - don't abandon what just might be for you to fit into someone else's box.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest sarah f]

I have to agree with Sally and say you probably are androgynous. Sorry I couldn't help more.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest viv]

Hi Hun,

As Sally said , dont put yourself in a box, dont pressure yourself.

Just go with the flow for a spell and dont damand any particular outcome.

Sometimes the harder we try the harder stuff becomes . Your path will

become obvious to you in time. luv,viv

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Come play the label game with me if you please

Ok, so, as I've said before---I've always felt 'different'---from other people in general. There's years and years of suppression, denial and personas so it's not a clearcut path for sure--but I'm trying as hard as I can seeing as I *cannot* find or afford a gender therapist---college counsellor is the best I can do right now.

As I understand myself right now I'm sure that part of me is very, very male---however---I don't know what I want to do about it or what I should do about it.

It seems that I tend to shift and feel very masculine around females and more feminine/adrogynous around men---at least that's what I've come to think from what I've been told. Women perceive me as giving off 'man' vibes (and around them I have a self-image as a man) and men are likely to see me as more feminine than that. So I'm confused. If I don't seem to the guys like one of them---then maybe the girls just think I'm strange because I'm not girly?

Myself---although I have my more 'flamboyant/feminine' side---I *do* feel more male than female---although I'm by no means a 'macho' guy. My physical body---well I got a bunch of issues with it---some are gender-related some are not--but I'm waiting untill I've lost weight and built muscle before considering anything drastic. Maybe I'll be ok once I'm in shape.

If you asked me to picture myself in my head I do tend to picture myself as a man---but a rather androgynous looking man. There is of course the counter ego of this sort of 'hippie/earth mother' woman---but I have a hard time picturing myself as her even though she does often put me in a tricky situation because I'll have the urge to be her.

The female pronouns when applied to me do give me that 'heart dropping into your feet' sensation though.

In a romantic/intimate etc. situation--- feeling/picturing myself male 95% of the time.

Growing up I told my mom often that I didn't want to be a girl but I don't think I ever told her explicitly I wanted to be a boy or was one.

I suffer from a dissociative disorder like I said---so it's difficult for me to say how I really feel--I tend to just disconnect.

At this point I feel like I've got two very very different people fighting each other inside of one body--and it's impossible for me to be both---they're just waaay too radically different, and I'm trying to figure out which one/hoping that one is the false persona. So frustrated uurrggh.....

Given the amout of detail you have put in your post Sam; my reply might sound simplistic but if you chose to call yourself androgenous then from what I can see that is the moniker that best fits you so go with it.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I guess that we all seek/need/want some sort of cataloging of our selves to know that we exist as someone...

But, it's not really needed. Although we do it to get people into a general area like MTF...FTM...CD............it still doesn't cover all of the bases.

If you want a clinical label, a Gender Therapist can get you that...but, what does it really mean?

I know that its simplistic, but just be you and asign whatever you want to yourself for others comfort, if you must!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest SamIThinkIAm]

Well SamIThinkIAm,

It is only important to life your life the best you can,

You do not have to eat those green eggs and ham,

You do not have to eat them with a fox,

You do not have to eat them in a box,

You do not have to eat those green eggs and ham,

You do not need to live in a box SamIThinIAm

My apologizes to Dr. Suess but it seemed to fit considering your name choice.

My point being why put yourself into a box?

I think that you should go to the profile page of one of our young members who feels very free shifting from male (most of the time) to androgynous (a good portion of the time) to female (hardly ever) Deeedo and check out the Introduction and a any number of posts.*

*You get there by clicking on options and selecting from the drop-down menu.

Self described as a dinosaur, answering to any pronoun - he/she/it/dinosaur and feels rather gender fluid and is very happy just being who she feels like at the moment.

Most people struggle just to thin k outside of the box so it may not be that easy but you might just give it a try living outside of the box.

It isn't for everyone but others do it and it might just work for you - don't abandon what just might be for you to fit into someone else's box.

Love ya,

Sally

Haha no worries Sally---part of the reason my username is what it is---love Dr. Seuss

I agree with you and everyone else deep down I am probably androgynous---and I'm learning to deal with it (I'm one of those type A gotta-do-it-all *right now* and figure out everything and anything *right now* so fluidity's a little frustrating )----but man it gets hard when I'm getting railed on by family/friends etc. 'what are you?' 'what are you doing?' 'are you going to get a sex change?' 'do you wanna be a boy?' uggghh....sometimes I think I need to either a) come with instructions or carry around little educational pamphlets

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I think you answered pretty much everything yourself!

Going with the flow is hard. I'm a type A too. Heck I'd say we qualify for A++'s on the right day!

If you have the sense of humor for it simply say "I'm transitioning" and when they ask "into a boy?" you can go "Into whatever I feel like today."

All will comearound and be revealed in good time.

Not to confuse you anymore but I feel very 'male' around women and less so in front of men, too.

It dosen't have to mean a thing- this is all about comfort level nothing else.

There is no Olympic gold medal for most "Stereotypical Trans".

I should know- I would have tried to have taken it by now (I'm greedy for hardware!)

Keep us posted on how things go!

And of course hopes this helps shed alittle light on your way.