Where Do I Go From Here?

[Guest daphene]

Not sure what I am or where to go from here but I do know I will make it an adventure. I have been crossdressing for about 40 years privately. I have a wife of 25 years and 3 grown children. My youngest starts college in the fall so I basically will be an empty nester. I really started researching my transgender feelings about a year ago to understand what was going on with me all these years of living a double life. I finally got up the nerve to come out to my wife about 2 months ago. She took it better than I thought she would. She now says no dressing around her at all. She basically wants me back in the closet. I have told her I will not go back, I want to move forward and explore these feelings with her even further. She tolerates little things like shaving my legs and wearing panties but only because these things are covered up by my male clothes. This I do not think is enough for me, so she says I can go explore by myself and when I have had enough, I can come back to her. I am crrently looking for another job out of state so I can do this but I really dont want to be without her. I love my wife and want to be with her but I also need to know who I am and exactly what I need as far as my transgender feelings go. I dont know what to do. I think I want to live part time as a female to see what it is like and I know that is not possible with my wife being with me. Maybe if enough time goes by, she will give in. I doubt it, she is very conservative and closed minded. I need to do something because 40 years of hiding is enough. Anybody out there been faced with a situation like mine? If so, what did you do or what should I do?

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yeah, Daphne.....lots of us have had similar situations....

I came out to my wife of 30 years as transsexual...it wasn't a bed of roses, but we stayed together...so far.

I think that to better explore how you feel would to be...Get a Gender Therapist!

They could help you find out exactly where you are and help you to find out just what you need to do.

And you can do that without moving and your wife will see that you are making an effort to find yourself.

And if it turns out that you DO need to go deeper, at least you have the knowledge that your therapist headed you in the right direction.

Good Luck, Hon!

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi daphene,

The real question is, exactly what do you want your life to be. We tend to skirt around some of the issues here a little (sometimes not, but I sometimes feel some undercurrents, so...) Is dressing enough for you? Is being dressed in public enough? Is being accepted (passing, or whatever we want to call it) as the opposite birth sex enough? Do you want to consider a relationship with someone else? Male or female? How far do you want that to go? How far with changes to your body do you want to go?

And there are all the other considerations. How much acceptance do you want (or are you will to accept) from your family - your spouse, your children, your parents - your friends? Is your job secure or will that be affected? Are you willing to give all that up?

We say here, you have to decide what's best for you, and that's absolutely right. Just be aware that all those people you have come in contact with, will also have to decide what's best for each of them, and that best may not include you in the future. Hopefully, as it has for some here, it will include you, but there are certainly no guarantees as many can attest to.

These are all questions only you can answer. But they're very difficult ones to consider at times and that's why we all here always recommend seeing a therapist if you're unsure of who you are or where you want to be.

I'm 62, and basically I've come to terms with who I am and what I am and what I want. I'm not overjoyously happy, but I'm not depressed either. My spouse is aware, I dress when I can, I savor those moments, I move on when I can't. Some can deal with that, some want more. I'm built to know that my own happiness is in part to care about others. But, that may change. Right now it's where I am.

So, basically you'll have to figure that out for yourself. What will make you happy or content or satisfied, and can you live with that, which will include how others interact you in the future, especially those you may hold dear.

It's not easy, that's for sure. But there's a lot more support and a lot more possibilities today than 40 years ago, when I seriously thought about my gender based future. I hope it works out for you!

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Donna Jean said it first - what we all will tell you - you MUST see a gender dysphoria therapist! MUST. It's not what you think - he or she will be your best friend and really help you sort out what you are.

Secondly - YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE! You can eventually accept what you are and be happy. You cannot self-diagnose this though.

Thirdly - Dee Jay and several of us here are virtually what you describe. Personally, I cross dressed (I thought that was what it was maybe) for 50 plus years. I am married and my wife is grudgingly acceptive. I have three grown kids - and they accepted me as I am.

What did I find out? Truly transsexual! Terrified me and at the same time set me free.

My wife and I are still together but I know she will leave after I complete my transitioning through the SRS.

Its a rough journey - and as my therapist days transitioning is NOT for sissies!

I hope this helps! Please stay with us. This is a support site - and you are definately in need of support!

Lizzy

[Guest daphene]

Yeah, Daphne.....lots of us have had similar situations....

I came out to my wife of 30 years as transsexual...it wasn't a bed of roses, but we stayed together...so far.

I think that to better explore how you feel would to be...Get a Gender Therapist!

They could help you find out exactly where you are and help you to find out just what you need to do.

And you can do that without moving and your wife will see that you are making an effort to find yourself.

And if it turns out that you DO need to go deeper, at least you have the knowledge that your therapist headed you in the right direction.

Good Luck, Hon!

Donna Jean

Thanks Donna Jean. I thought I would find a good GT, the closest one to my home is about a 2 hour drive. i live in the southeast in a rural area of georgia, and folks here dont like folks like me. That is one of the reasons I wanted to leave this area. I probably will go see a GT and let them help like you say. Thanks again.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Donna Jean]

Thanks Donna Jean. I thought I would find a good GT, the closest one to my home is about a 2 hour drive. i live in the southeast in a rural area of georgia, and folks here dont like folks like me. That is one of the reasons I wanted to leave this area. I probably will go see a GT and let them help like you say. Thanks again.

Hugs,

Daphene

Well, Daphne.....

I used to live in Georgia...Dalton/Calhoun area....rual...

And I do understand what you mean by having to travel a distance for help...I live in rural Ohio and I drive one hour for Electrolysis, two hours to my gender doctor, and three hours to visit friends...I understand...

We do what we must, Sweetheart!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest daphene]

Thanks everyone for the good advice. Now I am thinking more clearly. I dont know how far I need to go with this or exactly what will make me happy. I do know I do not want to be without my wife. I need her more than ever now. This gets pretty scary when I think about it. I will find and go to a gender therapist because I believe that will be the right first step towards finding out what I need to be happy and hopefully keep my marriage. Anyone know any good ones in the Atlanta area?

Thanks Again, Hugs

Daphene

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Thanks everyone for the good advice. Now I am thinking more clearly. I dont know how far I need to go with this or exactly what will make me happy. I do know I do not want to be without my wife. I need her more than ever now. This gets pretty scary when I think about it. I will find and go to a gender therapist because I believe that will be the right first step towards finding out what I need to be happy and hopefully keep my marriage. Anyone know any good ones in the Atlanta area?

Thanks Again, Hugs

Daphene

Go to the home page here - Laura's lists resources. I found my gender therapist in New Orleans on Laura's. When you get a list - call and ask for a few opinions on the telephone - like, can they reallllly help? You might get referals if they cannot help you personally - they network pretty well. And I prefer psychologists over psychiatrists.

Lizzy

[Guest daphene]

Thanks Lizzy, I will look here at Laura's site and see what I can find.

Daphene

[Guest Donna Jean]

Here, Hon.....

To make it quick, here's the link....

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Good luck!

Donna Jean

[gennee]

Daphene, much depends on how far you want to go. I never knew that I was a crossdresser and transgender until 2005. I was fifty-six at the time. All my life I felt that I was different but never knew why.

I told my wife about my dressing when she discover some of my clothing. I came clean and told her everything. She was shocked to say the least . She's accepting of my dressing. We evenshare some clothing. I told my son a year later and he was okay with it.

I sensed in me that my transgender feelings ran deeper than just clothing and going out. This past year I migrated from crossdresser/transvestite to transgender/transsexual. I am not going to have reassignment surgery or take hormones. I consider myself a non-op transsexual. It's been quite a journey; one that is continuing.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go back in the closet. I have no intentions of doing so myself. I'm thankful for an accepting spouse but I know many where this not the case. Maybe your wife will change. Sometimes the people you think would not be accepting turn out to be your bigest supporters.

Gennee