Depressed?

[Guest SilverDragon]

So I lost all my CD clothes. Lingerie, wig, skirts, dresses (ok, I only had 1 anyway), tops, jeans, the whole shebang.

I should explain my story.

I'm a minor. 14 to be exact (not for long). I have dressed for a long time, but I have only began to aquire clothes for slightly more than half a year. And it was time for the (almost) spring cleaning. Of my room. And the attic. But no other rooms, because that is so my luck.

The attic came first, (where my stash was), so I moved it to my room. Then, they started in my room. I could have taken a good chance to come out, but I didn't. It's hard to explain why, but right now I don't want to be out. Anyway, they found it (just a quick look of the packed in jeans) and I make a quick semi-lie about why they were there. They bought it. To goodwill it went. I believe I may be under some scrutiny, but they didn't put me under any more pressure.

And poof. On there whim I lost half a years work and at least 200$ worth in clothes. Things were going so well.

So 2010 starts off crappily.

I get so little privacy anyway. As an apparent expression of masculinity, I don't want any personal space. Accept for that I didn't agree with that. I want personal space. But my parents wont give it to me. Lately my room has been like a meeting place. ARHG!

I came to terms with what happened. It was a major setback, no doubt about that. I tried to see it as an opportunity to assemble a new *stylish wardrobe (because my 1st one was not very stylish. It was only what I could scrape together. And a time to wash away any scrutiny, and to put down a "I want privacy law" while I have nothing to hide.

I was mad, but I under control and able to work normally. I now feel that I eluded myself.

I can't stop thinking about the clothes I lost. It almost haunts me. I will go for a day, an hour, a minute, any variable amount of time, before my thoughts linger to my loss, and I get sad.

I will feel happy for a while, but then I step back, on purpose or accident, and look at the grand scheme of things, and feel like crap. I don't have any large amount of money. I don't have any clothes (besides a few scraps from the dressup bin, but I can't wear them without some of the stuff I had, namely underwear). Square 1.

And I get sad again.

Am I depressed? I don't feel sad all the time, even in the grand scheme of things, but the sheer fact that I can think of one thing and it will set my day to a solemn mood of resignment does make me sad.

Its harder to pay attention in school. My thoughts are constantly (whenever I am not concentrating on something else) on crossdressing. I put on my clothes every day while an internal debate about the difference between masculine and femenine clothes and the pointlessness of it goes on inside me.

I back myself into the corner I allways thought I would never be part of. All I do for entertainment now is play video games. This isn't healthy.

When I crossdressed it was easier to take pleasure in the simple things. I could feel fufilled doing things that are not the funnest or most attention consuming.

I could walk a dog, take a nap, watch the clouds, when I crossdressed (both in and out of the clothes). I wasn't worried. I had everything I wanted.

It isn't super bad. I would say that. But I don't know it. Am I in an unhealthy state, namely depression?

It probably isn't as bad as I make it sound, but I dont know that for sure. I'm not truly sure anymore, about anything in the grand scheme. This loss has clouded my vision.

I'm not suicidal. Trust me on this. I love life too much.

Therapy isn't really in the option. It would probably bring too much scrutiny. I've gone through more traumatizing things without it (do I know that?)

I feel that an emotional attachment to my clothes that is greater than my attachment to things I may feel more important may be unhealthy. My dog's death didn't effect me this much.

I feel that it is because I lost not something outside me, but I lost a part of myself. I can no longer express my femeninity.

I would ramble more, but you have probably heard enough. Thoughts or suggestions, anyone?

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Well if crossdressing makes you happy, then I don't see why you need therapy at all unless you develop further confusion or problems. It's harmless, and if it isn't debilitating then it isn't a problem and doesn't need to be treated.

It's not an attachement to those specific clothes, it is as you say, you lost a part of yourself, or at least the way you had of expressing that part.

Suggestions, honestly, go get a paper round and buy yourself some more nice clothes, you deserve pretty things. If you have any female friends that you think it'd be safe to come out to, then they'd probably be able to help you too, with makeup and stuff, or just let you get together and have a bit of a giggle and let yourself be a little more girly for a while.

Also if they were donated to goodwill are they in a charity shop somewhere, either way you should check them out, you might find a few nice things for cheaps.

and underwear is like a buck, so go wash your dad's car or something lol.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sweetie,

I am sorry for your setback I know how that is. Try to keep in mind that clothes are not what make you, you You will attain clothes again like you did before. Your parents may have seemed to have bought the lie you told, but they are really smarter than that. Dearest, don't be surprised that they know, and hopefully understand. I won't tell you what to do, but consider coming out to them. You may find that things go better for you after that.

This too shall pass hon

Love

Brenda

[Guest ChloëC]

Tough loss, I feel for you. One slight positive out of this. Most of us have purged our hidden wardrobes, more than once, I'm fairly sure, but we usually did it voluntarily. All that money, all those nice clothes, gone. And in the end, we weren't any happier for it. You have a much better excuse, tho you're still out just as much as the rest of us. A very slight consolation, I know. But I'm also amazed that after each purge, I somehow was able to start getting it together again, and it's often nicer stuff than the previous collection. And don't even ask where the money came from, I couldn't tell you.

It's tough being a teen, knowing what you are and what you know you want, but living under tight scrutiny of unknowing and misunderstanding parents. But, trust me, as you're probably tired of hearing, it will pass, you will have your own life, and your own choices. Not soon enough, I'm sure, but it will come.

I also understand about losing a part of the feeling of femininity. I had a really nice moderately expensive pair of breasforms (silicone filled) but one got destroyed in a car crash I was in last month. The other one by itself just doesn't quite do it, you know? I really appreciated them and they seemed to fit right (you can see what they did in the last 6 or 8 pictures in my gallery.)

Do I buy another set? They are expensive. I'll have to figure something out soon. It's difficult right now for you, but we're all mostly resilient. You'll find a way.

Hugs,

Chloë

[Guest SilverDragon]

I suppose I wouldn't be too suprised if they came up to me and said that they thought I was a crossdresser, but I suspect they don't.

I'll admit. I have done some stupid things.

I once left a pair of panties on the floor of my room, and didn't notice them until after my parents had come in (they were crumpled under something, with 1 little edge poking out.

I climbed a tree dressed (not to the nines, but tougher clothes) dunno why I did that.

Was dressed when my folks came home. Had to say I was in the bathroom indecent and had to run back to my room.

But, they never did anything about it. On other things similar to this, they would allways take action and initiative.

One time they found a transgender-related named website in my history. They immediatly brought it up with me. For something such as this, I see no motive for them to withold their knowledge of this from me.

Strangely enough, I am closer to my father than my mother. He works (and worked) abroad all the time. He commutes south and lives away on weekdays. Hes really nice, and as long as I get good grades and get enough exersize (hes in the military) hes cool with whatever I do.

My mom is almost completely unworkable. She has a very stressful job and takes out all her frustration on my and my sister. She blew up on my sister for leaving a lid to a can that she threw away on the counter. That bad.

So, it isn't too much masculinity, because my father is very good, that drives me to crossdress.

Perhaps it is that I am (a lot of times) the only male in the house? My dad is around about 9/10 of my life (so far). Not that either.

I'm betting on nature, not nurture.

Anyway, for now I'm going to assume that my parents do not know. They could, but most evidence present leads me to think not.

The real problem is that I havn't had time to go to the store since I lost my stash. Its been 2 weeks or so, and I havn't gotten to ride my bike out to the store to buy stuff.

Also, Im having trouble finding a new stash. I'm thinking under my matress, but I dunno. Any suggestions for this either?

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

There's often space, under the bottom drawer in a chest of drawers, unless you actually pull the drawer out then you don't see it. I wouldn't put stuff under your mattress your mom will check there for porn, cigarettes etc.

Spies use lockers in train stations, at least they do in the movies.

The other thing is to have a legitimate excuse for having stuff if it is found, like a friend left a change of clothes there so that she could change and you could go straight out after school, something like that. course it doesn't work once you have a mountain of stuff, wigs, forms etc.

your parents might well suspect something, have probably discussed it and decided that it's just a phase that teenage boys go through and if they don't say anything about it, it'll go away on it's own.

[Guest Rebecca Quentin]

Sorry to hear you lost all your clothes like that. To try and put a positive edge on things though, please be assured that it will get easier in just a few short years for you. Work hard so you can fly the parental nest to college digs or your own place if you choose to go straight into a job instead. Then, you'll have plenty of space and can hang your femme attire unashamedly in your own wardrobe and leave your make-up in your bathroom.

My parents didn't give me any personal space as a teenager, my mother would just walk into my room without knocking and when I flew off the handle at her because of this, she looked at me as though I was being totally unreasonable on her justification of "well whose house is it anyway?". Plenty of years later and when a few months ago she came to stay at my home for a week, she took over a bit, but was forced to accept MY argument of "well whose house is it anyway!".

Hang in there, you'll be fine and I'm really pleased to hear you're happy and comfortable with yourself at your age. Don't let anyone make you feel you have to conform to their norms, ever. Not family, not friends (who should accept you for who you really are anyway, otherwise dump 'em, and especially not others at your school).

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well

I just want to say, you are what you are - and not worry about that! Cross dressing maybe something like TS - you are born that way. In any case - you will slowly restore your wardrobe - it always happens (I CD's for 50 plus years) It isn't so bad to lose and replace stuff- irritating sometimes maybe. BUT you can 'upgrade' and also cull out that 'fetish' stuff you experiment with!

Hiding? Get a backpack or duffle bag that can be locked or otherwise secured. That keeps casual lookers from getting into it. It can be full of 'theatrical costumes' or Halloween stuff (USA holiday?) if you get asked - anyway, hide it in plain sight. All your stuff together - having one location reduces the risk!

And feeling good? Yes it is usually that way - but don't get addicted to it. Have other things you like to do. Don't obsess on CDing - you need to have a full life.

Just some experience talking here.

Lizzy

Oh yes - I always knew I had more going on with my CDing that it seemed. Be reasonable with your CD condition - don't EVER feel like you are doing something wrong. It isn't well accepted, but it is so very common. Men just can't be dressed to show a feminine side, while girls can dress to show a masculine side! Not fair, but that is how it is!

Finally - its best to NOT hide this condition from your parents. But that is your call. A therapist could really be a help for all of you right now.