Testimony Time

[Guest Katrina Reann]

I just wanted to share my testimony of how Christ became a reality in my life. I am not a good typist so I will apologize for any typo's, and trust me there will be many...lol... I'll correct what I see but some will get through, they always do. And please if you have a testimony please share it.

I was born August 21, 1962 in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan. When I was born I didn't breath for over 5 minutes and almost died. Doctors told my parents because I didn't breath for so long I could be severely brain damaged, but to their amazement I lived and for the most part I am normal. Although my parents argue that to this day...lol...Sortly after I was born we move to a town called Pekin, Illinois where me and my one older sister were pretty much raised. My parents were both from Arkansas orginally and they were raised old fashioned and taught to believe in God. Although in their time of raising they didn't attend church much because all their time was in the cotton fields making a living. They were and are loving parents and they instilled in me and my sister, Godly love and morals. We tried to make it to church when I was little but as we grew up church was not a part of our life.

In my younger years I was always beat on in school and made fun of because I was a slow learner and had emotional troubles. I now knoe it was due to Bi Polar Disorder that went undiagnosed until age 40. But the beatings and ridicule impacted my life deeply and caused me to be very insecure in my self and that in turn lowered my self esteem. As I grew into my teen years all I wanted was acceptance so I started hanging around the very people that were beating me and making fun of me. Needless to say I started doing what they were doing, so it wasn't long before I got in drugs, smoking, and drinking. I wasn't really a trouble maker but I was caught up in the partying lifestyle and began to rebell against my parents. They didn't know what to do with me. I was growing wild and failing in school. So they did the only thing they could.Pray. And it must have worked.

At age 18 I began searching for the Lord but it seemed like nothing really changed. I had asked Him into my life many times but I didn't understand the concept of faith. I am sure the Lord came into my life then but at the time I didn't know it or believe it. And soon I was back into the partying again. Things seemed to be going well for me though. I had a good paying job as a painter. Had just bought my first new car and was getting ready to move out on my own. I thought I had it made, but boy was I wrong. Things started going bad in 1986. The recession was just starting to hit. Dad had gotten laid of in March and I was about to get blindsided on my own job. But that wasn't all, the family was about to get hit hard emotionally.

In August of 86 we got a call from my mom's relatives in Ark and they had some bad news. One of my mom's sister's had found out she had lung cancer and it was in the late stages. Needless to say it upset all of us. She was mom's favorite sister's and was my favorite aunt. A few days after that call I found out things at work weren't good and they were talking major layoffs. Then in September the day came and with our paychecks many of us got lay off notices. All of a sudden I found myself in major debt and had to file bankruptcy and lost everything I had been building up. Basically over the next few weeks my whole world came tumbling down and I found myself in emotional distress as well. Then one night in late November we got another call from Arkansas. My aunt was in the hospital and she wasn't expected to make it through the night.

I remember that night very well. It was about midnight when we got the call and immediately we pooled our money together, packed our bags and began loading the car. It was a clear, crisp, cool night and all the stars were shining brightly. And as I was loading the car I looked up into the night sky to look at the stars, but one in paticular caught my eye because it was shining brighter than all the others. A chill went over me and I knew I was looking at the North Star. Automatically I started thinking about the birth of our Lord and Saviour. Well we got the car loaded and headed out about 1 in the morning. I was sitting in the back seat and it didn't seem to matter what direction we were going in, that star seemed to be following me and staying in my view. So for the whole trip down my mind constantly kept replaying the story of Christ birth. The stable, the manager, the animals, the wise men and kings following the Star, and the gifts they brought to the babe and Messiah.

We drove straight through and went directly to the hospital hoping my aunt was still alive and to our suprise she was. As we walked into the small country hospital we immediately heard someone breathing from somewhere in the hospital, and with each breath you didn't know if another would follow. I knew that was my aunt and didn't even stop at the nurse station to ask where she was. I just followed that sound of breathing down the hall. I got to the door and sure enough it was my aunt. I was unnerved to say the least. I had been around death before but never like this. Never had I heard such anguish and suffering in someones breathing. Mom and Dad finally caught up with me and slowly we opened the door and walked in. My aunt was awake and immediately recognized us. We all gave her a hug and then I went and just stood at the foot of her bed. I couldn't talk to her though, I simply didn't know what to say. She knew seeing her this way disturbed me but she never said anything either. But she would just look at me with eyes of compassion. I saw something in her that went much deeper than the pain she was feeling and I was curious as to what it was I was seeing.

She hung in there and fought for two weeks after we got there. And during those two weeks I saw so much in her that I did not understand or comprehend. For instantce, she never once complained about her condition but seemed to accept it and at times almost seemed to embrace it. She wasn't afraid of dying and that totally bewildered me. I was asking myself what gives her such peace in this? If I were in her place I would have been terrified and angry too, but not her. I recall one night when her husband had a light heartache in the lobby and since the other bed in my aunt's room was empty the nurses took him in and laid him in the bed next to her and pulled the curtains about half way as to not upset my aunt. Now at this point my aunt had not been able to find the strength to sit up in bed by herself. My uncle had a history of heart problems so my aunt knew what was going on when they brought him into the room and to my amazement somewhere she found the strength to pull herself up to a sitting position and she pulled the curtain back to make sure he was ok. This blew me away! Where did she find the strength to do that and how can she show such love and concern when she is on her death bed? I wasn't sure what she but whatever it was I wanted it! After seeing he was resting she laid back dow and fell into acoma for about 2 days as I recall.

In the two days my aunt was in a coma I seen many of her fellow christians coming into pray for and on the the last day she was alive I felt a need to go pray with her as well. I wasn't sure what to pray for so I just prayed like everyone else, for God to heal her. After I prayed for her I turned and walked out of the room. But as I got halfway down the hall I heard a voice with authority say, "STOP!! That was a selfish prayer, go back and pray again!" I looked up and down the hall but no one was there and it dawned on me that I had just heard the voice of the Lord. So without hesitation I turned and went back in the room. My cousins were all there and they kind of gave me a funny look, but I paid them no heed. I was a man on a mission. I walked over beside my aunts bed, picked her hand up and held, and said these words: Lord, if you are going to heal my aunt then heal her and if you are going to take her home then take her. But one way or the other end her suffering now. I ask for your will to be done not only in her life but in mine as well. In your name I pray, Amen." Then I walked out of the room and went home with a cousin of mine to spend the night. We hadn't much more than got home when someone came knocking on the door, I looked at him and his and said, "it's your sister coming to tell she is gone." And sure enough it was.

We went back to the hospital immediately to be with the family that had gathered there and I wanted to go back and see my aunt one last time before the visitation and funeral so another cousin went back with me. When we went into the room her children were still there so I just went to the place I had been going along, the foot of her bed and just looked at her. But as I was looking at her all of a sudden in the twinkling of an eye I saw Jesus laying on that bed and not my aunt. I looked at my cousins but no one else seemed to notice it. Then I realized what the Lord was showing me. He was showing me He was the strength, the love, the courage I had seen in my aunt. After awhile me and the cousin that went with me (Marilyn) walked out of the room and headed back to the lobby. About halfway down the hall she grabbed my arm and stopped walking. Then she turned to face and said: "Rob, I don't know what the Lord is doing in your life but I know He is doing something because you are lite up with His glory." Then she said, "Always remember to walk by faith and not by sight because He will never lead you astray." It made me feel good that someone noticed God was doing something in me but to be honest I had no clue what it was that He was doing. I only knew He was stirring within me.

Then the night of my aunt's visitation me and another cousin stepped outside the funeral home to have a cigarette and he too was a christian. As we were talking he stopped in mid sentence and looked at me. Then he said:"Rob, you are light up like a Christmas tree and I can see by your countance God is doing a major work in you. If you never remember anything remember this, always go by faith. He will never leave you or forsake you." Needless to say I was floored because it was almost word for word what Marilyn had told me. I was puzzled by this and asking God exactly what He was doing in my life and why it was so important to hear those words twice. I got an answer but not one I was expecting. And the answer I got blew me away.

The next day, Dec 10th, 1986 was my aunts funeral and it was emotionally very hard for me. I tried to hold my composure because I was a pallbearer. But I couldn't because God was breaking me at that time. One thing I was able to do was share a poem God had laid on my heart years earlier which was called HE IS:

He is the Father,

supreme and divine.

He is here and there,

and not just mine.

He is the Son,

so full of love.

He is so beautiful,

and pure as a dove.

He is the Spirit,

that light so bright.

He is the comforter,

in our darkest night.

He is the Almighty,

standing so tall.

He is always there,

so we'll never fall.

After the funeral we all gathered back at my uncles for fellowship and dinner. After we ate my aunt's mother in law called me to her side. I went over and knelt at the side of the rocking chair and she looked me square in the eye and said: "Rob the glory of the Lord is all over you and I know He is becoming a reality in your life. He has many things in store for you but the most important thing I could ever tell you is to always trust and go by faith. He will lead you and guide each step you take." My mouth hit the floor, for the third time I had heard these words. That night we went back up the hill to my grandma's house where we had been staying and were planning on leaving the next morning. Now this is way back off the beaten path about 5 miles down an old dirt road so it was quiet and with no lights to interfer you can see every star in night sky. We pulled into her drive and parked and I told mom and dad I need some time. So I walked out to where the barns and old gray wooden sheds were and came to stop in front of what I would later find out was called the ole sheep shed and began to weep uncontrollably and started crying out and wailing before God. All of a sudden I felt a hand on top of my head pushing me gently yet forcefully to my knees. I didn't have to look around this time to see who was there, I knew it was the hand of God. And there on my knees with tears streaming down my face I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life. After praying I praised Him for a long time. And when I finally opened my eyes I was looking straight above me and what was the first thing I saw? The North Star directly above me. Again I began to cry and slowly looked into the ole sheep shed and in a vision from heaven I saw the animals, and the kings, and the wise-men, Mary and Joesph, and there in the manager the babe who was, is, and always shall be called the Messiah. At that moment I knew I had my own encounter with Christ and I had been born again. The reality of what I had been through had changed my life.

I am here to tell you Jesus Christ is a reality and He is waiting for you to come to your senses and accept Him as Lord and Saviour of your life. All you have to do is knell to your knees and cry out to Him to come into your heart and life. It's that simple, God so loved the world that He gave His only Son to die for us so that we might live the glorious life He desires us to live. If all that isn't enough to convince as we were leaving the next morning just before dawn I was looking out the front windshiel and just above the tree line was the North Star once again. I knew my life would never be the same again.

[Guest viv]

My My Katrina, I dont have faith but your story has me in tears hun.

I hope with all my heart your faith comforts you , luv,viv

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Awww...viv...Huggsss... When I think back to my experiences during those 2 weeks in 1987 I remember it like it happened yesterday. And it still moves me to tears to know God revealed Himself to me in such a way. And He has done other things in my life that are just as moving.

For instance, my dad was ill for many years due to diabetes. In 1997 he had to be put on dialysis because this disease destroyed his kidneys. For the first 2 or 3 years after that he was able to take care of himself. But in 2000 the constant drain of dialysis took it's toll on him and he was no longer able to drive and do many other things. Even getting up off the couch or bed was a chore to him and it was too much for mom to handle by herself at that point. And rather than see my dad go into a nursing home I chose to quit my job and move back in with them to help take care of him. A local home health group that was actually funded by the state at that time actually paid me a little to take care of him. When I first moved in with them I promised God and my dad that I would be there until the end and that I would be there holding my dad's hand and looking in his eyes when the time come.

By 2002 dad was so weak that he had to use a wheelchair or a walker around the house. And rather than having me take dad to dialysis he chose to use the city handicap bus because he simply wanted to be as independent as possible. Well one day they didn't have dad's wheelchair properly secured and buckled down. They went around a corner and dad's wheelchair tumbled over with him in it and he broke his arm above the elbow. It was a spiral break that went through the whole bone that never healed. After a three week stay in the hospital due to getting pneumonia he had to be moved to a nursing home for rehabilitation. And after a month of that we were finally able to bring him home. Dad's arm was useless at this point but somehow we managed to get him up and down without any mechanical lifts and such. Then about 9 months later I had to run mom to the store since she didn't drive. We had done that many times and there was never a problem. But that day things would be different. While we were gone dad had to use the bathroom and he had a port a pottie at the foot of his bed. He got up to use and stumbled. Not being able to use his one arm to catch himself, he fell again and broke his wrist on that same arm and we found him on the floor because he couldn't get himself up. So again he was back in the hospital and the Dr's told him he had completely shattered the bone and it too would never heal. Dad called us all together and said he wasn't going through what he did with his arm. He said he was soo tired and didn't want to prolong the inevitable anymore. Dialysis was the only thing keeping him alive and as a family we had discussed this often. At this point his G.I. system was shutting completely down. He was throwing up everything he ate and sometimes we would notice in the vomit there was food he hadn't ate any of in over a week. So we didn't argue with him and where as prepared as one can be in this type of situation. All he asked was that we take him home for his final days as he chose to stop his dialysis.

That day was March 2, 2003 and he came home the next day through hospice. We got him all situated in the living room because that was his favorite place. He was very aware and alert when they brought him in at 10:00am. And he was so glad to be home. But as the day wore on he went downhill very quickly. By about 9 that night his breathing had already become very labored and had what we call the death rattles. Now before they had brought that morning I felt led to pick up my pen and paper to write a poerm. This is what I wrote:

CLOSE YOUR EYES

Dad, today is a day of mixed emotions,

For we are bringing you home for the final time.

You can close your eyes and rest in peace,

As we let you go to life divine.

You have touched our hearts and lives.

With a heart full of joy and love.

You have touched more hearts than you know,

And it is time to recieve your rewards in Heaven above.

We will miss you, Dad, all the days of our lives,

But we will take comfort in knowing where you will be.

And we will be thankful in knowing,

That from all the pain and suffering, you will be free.

You have fought the good fight with all your being,

But now your fight is over and victory is won.

Close your eyes, Dad, and let sleep come,

And we will be at your side until God's will is done.

We will hold your hand and serve your needs,

As tears of both sorrow and joy roll down our cheeks.

It won't be easy but we wouldn't have it any other way,

And for God's loving comfort we will seek.

We love you, Dad, and will dearly miss you,

But soon we'll be united on the other side.

Close your eyes, Dad, and look with your heart,

For here come the angels and to your new home they will guide.

A prayer from a loving Son

About 10 pm on March 3, 2003 dad got very restless and something told me what was about to happen. So I grabbed a chair and sit it next to his bed. I looked at him and he was looking up in the corner of the room as if seeing something. Right away by they look on his face I knew he was seeing the angels come for him. I grabbed his hand and stood up and he looked at me square in the eyes. I didn't reaqd that poem to him because I knew I didn't have time. But I did say, "Dad, I know you are seeing the angels come, don't worry about us we'll be okay. You just worry about letting go. Go with the angels dad, go with the angels. With me and mom by his side and me holding his hand, looking in his eyes he let go and went home. And though that moment was hard I knew I had done everything I could for him and that God had allowed me4 to fulfill my promise to Him and my dad. Dad heard me say those words because it wasn't 10 seconds later that he passed away. That moment will always be bittersweet to me and it will be a moment that I will always remember and even cherish because I know God wasn't just there for dad but he was there to comfort and bring closure to me and mom. Knowing that made all the struggles of taking care of him over the years simply fade away. And to this day I still shed tears of sorrow and joy. I miss my dad but have no doubt of where he is at. A place where there is no more pain, no more suffering. And knowing that is what brings me comfort now.

[Guest Lynnx]

Hi Katrina.

When i was a kid we went to church, and i believed, and thought about what they said in church. But as I grew up, i realized that life goes along the same way whether you believe or not, and i also realize that if i didn't remember a consciousness before i was born, then i could go back to oblivion after i die. So essentially i became agnostic. And I wasn't looking for Him. And my life went along pretty well, like the Barry Manilow song: "No jolts, no surprises, No crisis arises, my life goes along as it should, It`s all very nice but not very good".

And then God came along one day and hit me upside the head with a baseball bat. At least that the short story. The point is, i have faith. And life does go along the same way whether you believe or not, but it just puts a different perspective on it if you do.

I want to ask you, if you asked Him what to do about your transgenderness. "Cuz i asked Him, but he might have told you something different for your particular situation.

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Lynnx,

That is one thing I prayed a lot about and about the only thing he laid on my heart was that He loves and accepts me the way I am and I need to do the same. And every time I turned around I would hear someone talking about the thorn in Paul's side. I took that to mean sometimes we have to accept things in our lives that we struggle with. Another thing I feel God has showed me is that we should not be so judgmental about certain things that we don't fully understand. Not everything is a sin or from satan. We live in an imperfect world and there are things that happen in our lives because of the imperfections in this world. Such as illnesses, chemical imbalances, physical handicaps, and the list could go on and on. And since there are fish that actually are known to actual change genders in their lives no one has the right to judge us or say what we struggle with is a sin or from satan. I knew God didn't want me to struggle with this all my life. I simply chose I need to accept myself for who I was in my heart, stop fearing what everyone else would say, think, or do. When I did that I felt a huge pressure lift off of me and the presence of God sweep over me. Now my life is fuull of God's peace, love, and joy. God didn't leave me or forsake me. I am who I am, I embrace my femininity and so does my wife. And I see all the positives. My feminine feelings and make ups are very deep and I truly believe in many ways they make me more sensitive, caring, and loving. Even my male friends have something similar to me over the years and they had no clue about my transgendered feelings. I am a firm believer in faith but I also believe God wants us to live balanced lives. Science has proved many things over the years, religion dismisses the majority of it. And in my opinion that is closed mindedness. As Christians we are to keep open minds especially in things we don't fully understand because with God nothing is impossible.

I hope that answers your question and I hope you will share what God told you and/or showed you. I would love to hear...Huggsss... Katrina

[Guest Lynnx]

Lynnx,

That is one thing I prayed a lot about and about the only thing he laid on my heart was that He loves and accepts me the way I am and I need to do the same. And every time I turned around I would hear someone talking about the thorn in Paul's side. I took that to mean sometimes we have to accept things in our lives that we struggle with. Another thing I feel God has showed me is that we should not be so judgmental about certain things that we don't fully understand. Not everything is a sin or from satan. We live in an imperfect world and there are things that happen in our lives because of the imperfections in this world. Such as illnesses, chemical imbalances, physical handicaps, and the list could go on and on. And since there are fish that actually are known to actual change genders in their lives no one has the right to judge us or say what we struggle with is a sin or from satan. I knew God didn't want me to struggle with this all my life. I simply chose I need to accept myself for who I was in my heart, stop fearing what everyone else would say, think, or do. When I did that I felt a huge pressure lift off of me and the presence of God sweep over me. Now my life is fuull of God's peace, love, and joy. God didn't leave me or forsake me. I am who I am, I embrace my femininity and so does my wife. And I see all the positives. My feminine feelings and make ups are very deep and I truly believe in many ways they make me more sensitive, caring, and loving. Even my male friends have something similar to me over the years and they had no clue about my transgendered feelings. I am a firm believer in faith but I also believe God wants us to live balanced lives. Science has proved many things over the years, religion dismisses the majority of it. And in my opinion that is closed mindedness. As Christians we are to keep open minds especially in things we don't fully understand because with God nothing is impossible.

I hope that answers your question and I hope you will share what God told you and/or showed you. I would love to hear...Huggsss... Katrina

I'm glad you found a way to accept your self the way you are. I'll go along with the "not everything is a sin or from satan" geez, do people get so hung up on that. I really think that the only sin is to not love enough, tho that just my opinion.

I asked God what to do about my transgenderness, and i was expecting an answer like "be a woman" or "be a man", but instead i got the answer "be a her". I find that interesting; "her" is a word that other people use on you... you don't use it on you. So He doesn't want me to officially change my sex. But i don't have to try to be a woman either. I can live with that. I live my life the way a man does. I like being called "sir", but i can live with "her" also.

The other thing he told me is that my soul was created with certain ratios of "boy" and "girl", more "boy than "girl", but not much more. Perhaps that is why i'm not suicidal about it.... i'm not totally boy.