Please Yourself First

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Being selfish and taking care of yourself first was a topic in the Transmen section. A VERY GOOD topic. It was on trying to be yourself and stop being something everyone else wants you to be.

I would like to widen the idea and put it here in the general forum as I think it has a very basic idea that is in the core of transitioning - MTF & FTM. It also applies to the very nature of what cross dressing is all about. It seems core to living as you are if androgynous or pan-sexaua.

In other words - it affects all of us!

If you could finally have enough 'gumption' to be your self, what would you do RIGHT NOW!

And secondly

WHY AREN"T YOU DOING IT!

I would really like to see some discussion on this!

LIZZY

[Guest sarah f]

If I could I would be dressing and acting like a girl everday. Right now that is just not possible because of my wife and job. I am still working on my wife to just stick with me through this. She really doesn't even want to talk about it.

My job like yours is mostly men and I really don't want to take the chance and come out right now.

I am slowly changing my appearance at home so that maybe my wife will understand this is going to happen. I think she is just not wanting to deal with it and hope that it all goes away. I am telling you that it is not going to go away. I already let here know that I have started removing my hair from my chest and belly. Know I have to tell her about my legs. She probably won't be happy but I have to do this for myself.

I am a girl and I am going to see it all the way through this time and not chicken out again.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest BeckyTG]

Sweet Lizzy,

Well, the first thing I'd do just to please myself would be to compliment you on your very attractive new avatar picture. You're a very pretty woman and should be proud of how you look, because you've got it, girl!

OK, this is a core and fundamental part of being trans, or should I say of adjusting or adapting to being trans. Far too many of us hold the false belief that "we can't do anything about it" and/or "we could never pass as our true gender". We believe we were "born in the wrong body". I've never believed this myself, but I sure don't like the one I got. It's not wrong, it's me, but hey, we're missing a few parts and have some other wrong ones besides....

But, back on topic, we just languish in self pity, frustration and stress over how we look and our gender being wrong. I know all about this, as I did this for too many decades.

The funny part is, my GT helped me understand that my hostility was all self-directed. Interestingly, *I* was the source of my problems. I was like the drunk on Mayberry RFD who'd come into the jail, enter his cell and reach over to the peg on the wall, grab the key, lock himself up and then hang the key back up. There he was, locked up in jail in full reach of the key. Isn't that like too many of us? We're all locked up with the keys to get out in our pockets.

Well, getting out is a multi-step process. Step one is to admit the truth to ourselves. The next step(s) are to fix it, which takes years and thousands of baby steps. I'm taking the steps now and will never turn back, ever.

It has to be fear that keeps us where we are, just like jumping off the high diving board. That first step sure looks scary, but after you do it, it's not so bad after all.

It's all about courage,

Love and hugs to all of you,

Becky

[Guest Donna Jean]

Lizzy....

I like Becky's post...

And to paraphrase an Eagle's song (No copyright infringement)..

So many times it happens...

That we live our lives in chains...'

And, we never even know we have the key...

But, another point I'd like to make is ....S/O's in our lives...

Themselves or others will say that we are being selfish to transition because they want us as we are and dang our feelings...

Well, isn't that being selfish on their part, too...to want to deny us peace in ourselves?

So, who's being selfish here? Both parties?

Who wins? Are there any winners or is it mutually assured destruction?

Donna Jean

[Guest BeckyTG]

Lizzy....

I like Becky's post...

And to paraphrase an Eagle's song (No copyright infringement)..

So many times it happens...

That we live our lives in chains...'

And, we never even know we have the key...

But, another point I'd like to make is ....S/O's in our lives...

Themselves or others will say that we are being selfish to transition because they want us as we are and dang our feelings...

Well, isn't that being selfish on their part, too...to want to deny us peace in ourselves?

So, who's being selfish here? Both parties?

Who wins? Are there any winners or is it mutually assured destruction?

Donna Jean

You only like my post because you can pronounce my name now....

The S/O issue is a very interesting one. This is often misunderstood by outsiders as a mental issue, where it's clearly a medical one.

If your husband had prostate cancer and had to have an operation and would never be able to have penetrating sex again, would you leave them for that? Would you tell them not to get the treatment?

How about some debilitating cancer? Would you want them to not have chemo because they'd lose a lot of weight, muscle mass and not have any hair? Do you think people would point and talk? Would that be embarrassing?

My wife was dead set against HRT, that's where she drew the line. I had to print off the Standards of Care and all sorts of other things to prove that this was medical and not mental. She thought I just wanted boobs and it was all some perverse fantasy.

Well, it sure isn't a fantasy, I can tell you that. I had to convince her that I would surely die if I didn't get treatment. Yes, it's a serious life-or-death situation for me. I can't go on like I have been, not any more.

The treatment starts with admitting you have a problem and being assertive about getting help. "Yes, I'm injured and I do need treatment. Really".

This may be one of the few medical conditions I can think of where the victim has to convince everyone that they really ARE hurt and need help.

It's really odd, isn't it?

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest Donna Jean]

You only like my post because you can pronounce my name now....

The treatment starts with admitting you have a problem and being assertive about getting help. "Yes, I'm injured and I do need treatment. Really".

This may be one of the few medical conditions I can think of where the victim has to convince everyone that they really ARE hurt and need help.

It's really odd, isn't it?

Hugs,

Becky

(That's true...)

And, yes....

That is VERY true...We must convince people that we need treatement! Well put, Becky....

It's not like you have a third hand growing out of your forehead and people look at it and say...

"You know, you oughtta see about getting that thing taken care of!"

First we have to admit it to ourselves, and then convince the medical people ...and then go out and convince the world! DANG!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

This may seem a bit off topic at first but stay with me as Donna Jean and Lizzy well know in my stories there is sometimes a long road before you round that final bend and it all makes sense when you can see the destination.

I knew a very intelligent woman or so I thought, she was a science teacher and the mother of one of my sister's best friends - she was a very large woman, a little over 5' 9" and a good bit over 280 pounds. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and told no one, did nothing and one would have to ask why - the answer was simple in her mind if she had a breast removed her very thin husband would suddenly find her unattractive and not want to be physically intimate anymore. That was it - fear of a loss of this one physical act (with no proof that it would happen anyway) outweighed the fear of death and so she chose to die, a long slow and in the end rather agonizing death rather than risk any loss in her relationship.

Isn't that so much like us, we put up with our condition and try to be someone else for everyone that we have ever met and in fact drive ourselves to madness and even suicide attempts and for some actual suicide and for what?

The fear of losing something that will be lost eventually anyway.

I delayed my start of HRT for almost a year because of these sort of fears and what difference did it make - she is gone and I am a year older - that's all I'm a year older!

We place our value and worth in the hands of others and in fact it is truly just from within - Donna Jean spent a year and a half teaching me that and it was then that I learned to love myself and to truly love others, my life did not begin with my birth, my self realization or even the beginning of my HRT - that was only existence, my life began the night that I called Donna Jean and told her that I finally got it - I knew that I was a good person and had a kind heart but I had never loved myself and placed my life in my own hands instead of others until that day and I finally told her how much I love yer and how much she means to me - my life changed forever, it is mine now and no one else can control me again.

I am not living full time because of finances - I have to keep my job but that is the only reason - I am able to go on with my family disapproving, it is a bit irritating but I can live with it and now I can tell others how I feel about them, and if I haven't gotten to you yet - don't worry, I am very busy but know that I love all of you, you are special people with a simple condition that defies understanding by so many - ignore them, you are masters of your fates, the captains of your souls (no one has ever said that better than William Ernest Henley in his poem "Invictus" a must read for all transgendered so here is a link http://www.bartleby.com/103/7.html )

I do love you all so much,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Dang it, Sally

Why do you put in links that make me cry??????

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Hmmm how much more me can I get I am 24/7 female, finally after 50+ years

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Hmmm how much more me can I get I am 24/7 female, finally after 50+ years

Honey - this is just my way of thinking - but we ALWAYS need to be better women. As part of the female part of humankind now, we must strive to represent women in the most favorable and elegant ways available to us! We really need to let the best parts of us out! I realize I am just a 18 year old girl! I need to mature as a real female now. It takes work.

24/7 is just a start. We will ALWAYS be transitioning!

Lizzy

[Guest viv]

Sweet Lizzy,

Well, the first thing I'd do just to please myself would be to compliment you on your very attractive new avatar picture. You're a very pretty woman and should be proud of how you look, because you've got it, girl!

OK, this is a core and fundamental part of being trans, or should I say of adjusting or adapting to being trans. Far too many of us hold the false belief that "we can't do anything about it" and/or "we could never pass as our true gender". We believe we were "born in the wrong body". I've never believed this myself, but I sure don't like the one I got. It's not wrong, it's me, but hey, we're missing a few parts and have some other wrong ones besides....

But, back on topic, we just languish in self pity, frustration and stress over how we look and our gender being wrong. I know all about this, as I did this for too many decades.

The funny part is, my GT helped me understand that my hostility was all self-directed. Interestingly, *I* was the source of my problems. I was like the drunk on Mayberry RFD who'd come into the jail, enter his cell and reach over to the peg on the wall, grab the key, lock himself up and then hang the key back up. There he was, locked up in jail in full reach of the key. Isn't that like too many of us? We're all locked up with the keys to get out in our pockets.

Well, getting out is a multi-step process. Step one is to admit the truth to ourselves. The next step(s) are to fix it, which takes years and thousands of baby steps. I'm taking the steps now and will never turn back, ever.

It has to be fear that keeps us where we are, just like jumping off the high diving board. That first step sure looks scary, but after you do it, it's not so bad after all.

It's all about courage,

Love and hugs to all of you,

Becky

Great reply Becky, got your finger on the pulse sure enough.

I would be doing what I have been living for all my life, being

her . Not long to go now,,,love the post, great replies too. viv

[Carolyn Marie]

Sally, you are so right. Your post, and the poem that you linked to it, were exactly on topic.

All of us along the spectrum of transgender face, at some point in our lives and/or transitions, the "bludgeonings

of chance." Sometimes those bludgeonings are literal, more often just metaphoric but nonetheless real. Most of us

do come out of those events "bloody but unbowed." We are stronger for having won those battles, as you now are.

Lizzy, to your question about what I would do right now if I had my druthers? Not much more than I'm already doing, actually.

I think my path ahead is pretty clear, as are my timelines. I suppose I would come out to the rest of my family but I don't

feel the urgency in that. I have good reasons for not rushing into telling my son. I only regret that Carolyn did not "awaken"

from her slumber sooner, but one cannot undo the past. All we can do is make the best of our futures.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sotha]

Well... I'm in a support group. I'm still looking for a gender therapist. I'm taking steps to make myself more feminine.

But... I'm in high school. My mother doesn't think that I intend to start HRT as soon as I can (while I'm still in high school). I know this may be a rather extreme application of this idea, but I wish she understood it nonetheless.

[Guest Katrina Reann]

I think many in the tg community (including myself) are afraid to step our our doors as our true selves. Not so much because of what people will think but because of the haters out there. Many of our brothers and sisters have been killed for simply being themselves. And even more have been beaten to a pulp, cars and homes vandalized. Although things are slowly becoming more accepted and understood there is still a long way to go and we should be cautious depending on where we live.

But we must realize at the same time that we must be pioneers in our communities and surrounding areas in educating the public. We need to stand up and be heard in my opinion, but we need to do it numbers. If there is not a support group in your area (like mine) maybe we should start by trying to figure out what we need to do to get one started. Maybe by contacting some support groups to see how they did it. Maybe by contacting the closest GBLT organization for some help and input. Because the truth is we can't live in fear forever. And nothing is going to change if we don't stand up. We do have just as much right to live our life as we please just as anybody else. But we don't need to do this hastily. We need to think it through and have all our ducks in a row. Like a safe place to have meetings, places safe to go, and ways to co0ntact other tg people in our areas.

I know not everyone can do this because it would ruin relationships and families if they did. But some of us can and maybe it is time that we do. Just a little food for thought. I'd be interested in knowing your why's and why's not's.

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Not much different, I'd not worry about toning it down a little for the people i'm newly out to. Of course if i didn't have to worry about repurcussions at all, then I'd be much more free to dress as I liked wherever I wanted. And I'd use the ladies room.