Dream...

[Guest Emily H]

I was on my way to becoming a woman, starting hormones.

I was scared to do it, but was so glad.

I had just started hormones, I have no clue how it works, so correct the facts for me please, I took a pill, and was supposed to take one every day?

But as soon as I remembered my lover, Ashley, I wanted to stop immediately, and was torn.

I know that this dream means that I am afraid of where to go, of being Emily, because I have this inner fear of losing Ashley. I love her so much and can not just give her up. She completely accepts Emily...but if I were to ever transition...it would kill her. The thought of crossdressing, of Emily being around sometimes and Steven being gone sometimes, she is fine with and is completely acceptant of Emily. She wants a man. She loves me. She can't love a woman.

I was thinking today, in my Study Hall....that I could....be a girl. I really could.....be the same person i am, just with a different body, a slightly different lifestyle.

Which really scarred me....I would be afraid to change my body in a permanent way but at the same tie...It just sounds...right.

But I could keep living as I am. I am happy this way.

But would I be happier if all I ever was, was Emily?

Maybe it explains why I have not crossdressed much....Its not the clothes. Its the feeling of being a girl.

Emily

[Guest julia_d]

Hi

oooo.. somebody else like me who gets flashes of things yet to come.

This is where it all starts but sometimes using people you have around you and maybe not the people who are involved that day when it hits you that you have seen it before.

Many of us have been through the tearing and doubts your dream is dealing with. Some of us went one way and others lived in denial for decades, but we all eventually arrived at the same place.. transition or die. (yes.. it really is like that)

You have to do what you must.. for you.. without any aspect of doing anything for other people, or not doing what you need for fear of losing people..

Take your time but do what you must to be happy. Chances are your "relationship" won't outlast student life anyways.. most don't.

[Carolyn Marie]

Emily, your dream seems to me an indication of a significant inner conflict, and you know, of course, what that conflict involves.

I strongly suggest you see a therapist, preferably a G.T. to help you work through these conflicting needs and desires.

Absent that, I want to point out that I know of people here, and someone in my life who is not a member, who have found ways of living in a world in between

cross dressing and transition. They have found that going as far as they can without HRT works for them, provides them comfort and a way of living with

the "pink fog." They dress at home as often as possible, go out in public en femme when they can, and take up hobbies like sewing that allow them to

show their feminine side.

It might not be enough for you, I admit. If not, then you need to decide what is more important, living a life that makes you unhappy, unfulfilled and depressed,

but one in which you get to keep your love; or possibly losing your love but realizing a "dream" of living the rest of your life in the gender you were meant to be.

Sometimes we do have to choose between two very unpleasant courses of action. You will ultimately have to decide what is more important. Being transgendered,

as Lizzy says, is not for sissies.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

OMG - you are a candidate for therapy! GRIN

You cannot self diagnose and you cannot really know where you are going without a roadmap. That therapist has one!

And baby - its a whole assembly of pills - but the actual female hormones - twice a day!

And they are all or nothing! You cannot ever be a crossdresser on hormones. Not really (my opinion of course).

HRT kills your male libedo totally - its something that you must want.

Hope this helps

Lizzy

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

I'm the same way with my ex. We were supposed to get married and I joined the Army for her and put off transitioning. We're now just best friends and she is helping with everything. It's hard sometimes, but being myself is something I've wanted my whole life, being with her was only like 3 or 4 years. Plus it's better to be happy with yourself then to rely on someone else.

[Guest Emily H]

I don't know what my gender therapist thinks exactly.

And honestly, the idea of making a change that I can't go back on is really frightening, perhaps because of just the unknown? Or maybe, its not really for me?

I'll be sure to tell my therapist about this.