A View From The Edge

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

A view from the edge

Facing the rest of my life

© 2-13-2010

Joanna Marie Phipps

I had my regular appointment with my therapist on Feb 12, she complemented me on how far I have come and on the fact that in mannerisms and behaviors I am about as female as a transperson can get without surgery. This led to another discussion about if I felt I needed to continue with the therapy; given that the Harry Benjamin Standards do not state that psychotherapy is mandatory leading up to surgery. I asked her for some time to think about it and see how I felt, don’t get me wrong I was ecstatic that she said that, but at the same time nervous wondering if it was a good idea.

She told me I would be getting the letter I wanted, the first of my two letters for surgery, but that it would have to wait. She has not worked with transsexuals that are as far into transition as I am and didn’t feel comfortable writing it. The Psychiatrist, who has monitored my case since the beginning, has taken some time off around the birth of his first child, and would write it when he got back. I set the deadline for that letter at mid May since I will be moving back to Canada in early June.

This makes it a scary but interesting time for me since it is the first time in over a year that I would be free of any mental health support. I know I can do this, and not just survive but prosper in my new gender. Many of us long for the day where we can let go of the supports and become the person of the world that we are supposed to be. It is like a child leaving home everyone is nervous, and worried but eventually the child spreads their wings and becomes the emancipated adult, living out in the world, in society doing what they want, need and have to in order to be happy and fulfilled.

This begs the question; am I ready for surgery? In all ways but one I have not completed the 12 months of RLE required under the standards. Given what my counselor has said, my female persona is about as consolidated as its going to get. I have no desire or intention of going back to my old life, in fact if I had to detranstition I would have to be forced to do so. Like I told my counselor on Friday, to me surgery is a door it is the end of transition but the beginning of the rest of my life, being what I should have been 50 years ago when I was born. For me I am nervous and excited all at the same time, I am being told that if I’m ready I can spread my wings and fly solo.

I am like that little bird, ready to leave the nest, as I stand on the edge of that nest looking down into the precipice that is the drop from the branch, I know one thing; Its now that I must do this. I am ready and the rest of my life awaits; I will not abandon those who helped, who nurtured me, and those without whom I would never have made it through those first scary months of RLE, or through many of the meltdowns and near disasters afterwards.

I owe much to my lovely wife, Lyne, for being there for me and loving the person not the gender.

To my brothers and sisters at Laura’s I don’t know how I can thank you for putting up with my tantrums, depression and other things then gently, or not so gently guide, push, or pull me back onto the rails.

Last but not least, my therapist and psychiatrist without whom I would never have had this opportunity.

[Guest IGotThatGoodGood]

Funny I had this same convo with my therapist yesterday. I'm gonna get surgery also and I feel like I don't need therapy anymore. Part of the reason I was depressed in the first place was cause I wanted to be a female. Now that I'm finally myself My depression is gone I'm way more happy in my skin.

[Carolyn Marie]

Joanna, I'm very proud of the progress that you've made since I met you. You've become a strong and insightful and determined woman. You've faced your

demons and come out the winner. You richly deserve this next step in your journey. I know you will succeed and blossom and flourish.

Go get, 'em, girl!

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest BeckyTG]

Hey Big Sis,

You are finally you, now. Classes are over, time to walk across the stage and get your Diploma. The demons are vanquished, the dragons slain and you can finally settle into life like everybody else.

Whether you take the final (additional) step is totally up to you, but I believe you're you now and nothing can change that.

I offer my most sincere congratulations and admiration for what you've done. We both joined here at about the same time. I'm just getting into HRT and you're already you. Way to go, girl.

You know yourself better than anyone, but your apprehension is a normal thing. It's a "confidence vs. competence" issue. I believe you now have the competence to be you and function normally, like everyone else does. The question of confidence is your own. Summon up your guts and leap from the nest, like every little bird does who has to learn to fly.

Good heavens, after everything you've been through, this HAS to be easier than the first steps you took for RLE....

Best of luck to you, big Sister. We'll always be here for you, but understand you may move on to more pressing things in your life.

I love you,

Your 12-year-old little sister,

Becky

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Hey Big Sis,

You are finally you, now. Classes are over, time to walk across the stage and get your Diploma. The demons are vanquished, the dragons slain and you can finally settle into life like everybody else.

Whether you take the final (additional) step is totally up to you, but I believe you're you now and nothing can change that.

I offer my most sincere congratulations and admiration for what you've done. We both joined here at about the same time. I'm just getting into HRT and you're already you. Way to go, girl.

You know yourself better than anyone, but your apprehension is a normal thing. It's a "confidence vs. competence" issue. I believe you now have the competence to be you and function normally, like everyone else does. The question of confidence is your own. Summon up your guts and leap from the nest, like every little bird does who has to learn to fly.

Good heavens, after everything you've been through, this HAS to be easier than the first steps you took for RLE....

Best of luck to you, big Sister. We'll always be here for you, but understand you may move on to more pressing things in your life.

I love you,

Your 12-year-old little sister,

Becky

Ah Becky, my dear little sis

Ahead of you lie several years of changes, not just phsically, but also in your attitudes to many, many things. Just as I watched my bigger sis Angie doing what she had to do and learning from her, you have both she and I to learn from. I am sure that in school they have been talking about the changes coming up with your body and your life, so I wont go into them here.

You know kiddo, you may be bigger than those boys right now, but by the time you get to sixteen or seventeen and are thinking of first loves and firs dates most of them will be bigger than you. So mind that you dont squash any of them if you fall out of that tree you like to climb, I know you've ribbed your big sis Angie about going out with her Bo, its the kind of thing kid brothers and sisters do when they really dont get it about love and relationships. Its interesting that you've not said, or at least not with me in earshot, anything about my GF and I. Well now I've opened that can of worms, best attempt an explanation; I love my girlfriend the way that Angie loves her boyfriend. For now thats probably as far as we need to go with that, however it is one of the decisions that you will face in the future, just who you are attracted to and dont worry about which way the chips fall.

My dear lil sis, I may be leaving home but Im not leaving town. Im moving closer to where I work and if Momma lets you come down you are more than welcome. If you have a problem with the busses I would be glad to come and pick you up for the day. I will be back around for things like birthdays and holidays.

Love ya

your big sis

Jo

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Joanna hon,

At all stages of life there is some fear, but a deep compelling sense that the next step is the right step. You may feel that you are going to fly solo from now on, but that is not true You will always have your family and us here with you every step of the way. I sense that you have some anxiety about SRS. Honey, you know this... no one is going to make you have SRS if you are not 1000% convinced that it is right for you.

I am glad to hear that you are supported by your therapist and loved ones. However, the choice to make each step is yours and yours alone.

Whether you ultimately have SRS or not, does not change my love for you, nor our friendship.

All I want is that you to be happy with yourself. Wherever that takes you

HUGS and Love

Brenda

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Joanna hon,

At all stages of life there is some fear, but a deep compelling sense that the next step is the right step. You may feel that you are going to fly solo from now on, but that is not true You will always have your family and us here with you every step of the way. I sense that you have some anxiety about SRS. Honey, you know this... no one is going to make you have SRS if you are not 1000% convinced that it is right for you.

I am glad to hear that you are supported by your therapist and loved ones. However, the choice to make each step is yours and yours alone.

Whether you ultimately have SRS or not, does not change my love for you, nor our friendship.

All I want is that you to be happy with yourself. Wherever that takes you

HUGS and Love

Brenda

Dear Renn

the anxiety about SRS is the same as the anxiety I have before any operation. I know I will always have my family here and I am not planning on just dropping into oblivion. SRS is something I must do to finish this journey, my other cause for anxiety is the fact that after next month I will be away from the mental health community for the first time in nearly 2 years. This is my time to fly, and by solo I meant with out couselors and shrinks. Time to spread my wings, and fly with my family. There are many of us here around the same stage I am, we have learned much from those ahead of us, and have much to pass on to those behind us. If all of us left here when we hit this stage, there would be no older sisters for for the younger women or older brothers for the younger men.

Us old hands are needed

[Guest BeckyTG]

Ah Becky, my dear little sis

Ahead of you lie several years of changes, not just phsically, but also in your attitudes to many, many things. Just as I watched my bigger sis Angie doing what she had to do and learning from her, you have both she and I to learn from. I am sure that in school they have been talking about the changes coming up with your body and your life, so I wont go into them here.

Sweet, Kind, Big Sister,

You are so right and I am very fortunate to have you and others to watch and learn from. I learned the value of "me first" from you. I never got that lesson until you really hammered it home to me. I just can't imagine walking out the door to do RLE before any hormones.... You showed me the value of desire and commitment and forget everyone else when it comes to our own gender identities.

You know kiddo, you may be bigger than those boys right now, but by the time you get to sixteen or seventeen and are thinking of first loves and firs dates most of them will be bigger than you. So mind that you dont squash any of them if you fall out of that tree you like to climb, I know you've ribbed your big sis Angie about going out with her Bo, its the kind of thing kid brothers and sisters do when they really dont get it about love and relationships. Its interesting that you've not said, or at least not with me in earshot, anything about my GF and I. Well now I've opened that can of worms, best attempt an explanation; I love my girlfriend the way that Angie loves her boyfriend. For now thats probably as far as we need to go with that, however it is one of the decisions that you will face in the future, just who you are attracted to and dont worry about which way the chips fall.

Oh, Sis, this is the part that scares me the most and I don't normally scare easily. I really AM 12 years old right now, and you're exactly right, I don't get it yet.... My wife and I have both been asexual for many years, as is our own desire, as weird as that sounds. Neither of us seem to have any serious desire for the act of sex. I was never attracted to women in a sexual way. I always wanted to look like one, but never once thought of ravishing one.

I have had many fantasies of being ravished myself, however. I guess this is the part that scares me. I really, truly can't see myself kissing a boy right now. I just think it's gross and I think boys are gross.

As a true 12-year-old, I am excited to develop, experiment and play with make-up. I do enjoy having my legs nice and smooth never see keeping them that way as a tedious task. I don't need to wear a bra yet and, am not ready to wear one daily yet. I'm sure not ready and prepared to be a woman and I have so much to learn.

I know I'm going to blossom like every other 12-year old and I can see the changes in my body, my face and my hair. It's so wonderful and so scary all at the same time.

Regarding your own relationship, I never gave that a thought. It's been a long-standing, on-going relationship that you value greatly. I don't understand what's so strange in wanting to continue it. I am to be scolded for not sharing your joy at your recent progress in moving back to the same bedroom together. My most heartfelt congratulations to you, sweet Sis. I am really happy for you.

I'll take your shift doing the dishes next week. Oh, you're moving out, so I get that shift every week, anyway?

My dear lil sis, I may be leaving home but Im not leaving town. Im moving closer to where I work and if Momma lets you come down you are more than welcome. If you have a problem with the busses I would be glad to come and pick you up for the day. I will be back around for things like birthdays and holidays.

Love ya

your big sis

Jo

I'm just crying for you right now out of joy. I am so happy to see you realize such great peace when you were so fraught with stress at one time.

Bless you, Jo. You stay in touch and know I'll always love you and always have a special place in my heart for you.

Lil sis,

Becky